SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your BP and mine. And my GI tract! I won't know unless he tells me or the kids do.

I booked the trip and emailed H telling him I am going. My heart is coming out of my chest.

I booked the trip and emailed H telling him I am going.

YAY! YAY! YAY!

WAY TO GO! Proud of you!

Omg. Stop me from panicking...

I sent him this

Are you going to pick up DS today?

Tomorrow, FRIEND will take DD to the rink til you can get there and DS will be at AFTER SCHOOL CARE til 6 and I will pick him up.

Friday I am going to Atlanta. I will drop kids at school and SITTER will handle everything until you can take over. I'll be back Sunday afternoon.

And he responded with:

Today: I’ll pick Ds up at the Class at 6.

Tomorrow: I’ll pick Dd up at school and take her to the rink. Then, I’ll pick Ds up from school at 3:30.

Friday: please take Dog to boarding before you leave.

I REALLY want to let it rip

This response? Or none?

Could you be any more cold? I guess "whatever is takes" really means "whatever I think it takes". I love you very much but I need to take care of me now.

I REALLY want to let it rip

I'm very serious here; go to the Healing Library, print this out, shrink it, and carry it EVERYWHERE with you. Re-read as necessary:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp

I cannot stress this enough.

You are doing great! I know you probably want to say to him "that's it? Don't you care about me being gone?" I know how hurtful it is. But don't! That is what he is waiting for...for you to cave. But it won't do you any good. Just stay strong and vent to us.

So glad you are going on your trip. A weekend with good friends and a change of scenery will do you a world of good! I pm'd you.

[This message edited by GingerAle at 10:40 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Hi momof3gbb. I almost never come into the R forum, but your story from General touched me, so I went stalking for you

I just wanted to add a few things.

As others have said, your H is DELIBERATELY cruel. Just wanted to point that out again in case you are missing it. It's hard to see it from the inside, but looking from the outside, he is being so hurtful to you, and I wish you would get mad about it instead of sad about it.. Not so that it leads to you yelling at him about it (DON'T DO THAT), but for you to realize that he's not going to give you what you need, and it's really messed up the way he has been treating you.. I really hope you start to see how abusive he has been. It's NOT normal.

As far as the OW and her kids, it's DELIBERATELY cruel for him to expect you to continue contact with them like you have. Let's pretend my H's friend punched me in the face, and then my H told me I still have to be friends with that person and I should just get over it. That's what he's doing, he's forcing you to be friendly with the person who punched you in the face, and then getting mad that you don't want to. It's crazy!! He's more worried about protecting her than he is about your healing and health, and it's nuts that you have allowed it to continue like this. He's obviously not standing up for you, so you need to stand up for yourself..

Another thought I had is that your H isn't here on this website. We can't talk to him. You said in an earlier post that "someone needs to tell him that." We just can't, we can only work on you. And he would only get on this site and take the advice to heart if he was remorseful, and he's just not at this point, so it really wouldn't matter. Showing him this site would only give him more ammunition to hurt you. And continuing to tell him your feelings is giving him more ammunition to hurt you. It's like giving him the knife to stab you with. And given how many exes know about this site and still don't give a damn, he really wouldn't listen to our advice anyway. My STBX could read tons and tons of information on here and still not get it because he continues to think that *I'm* the one with the problem and he's done nothing wrong..

There is no magic pill or action or anything you can do to turn an unremorseful spouse into a remorseful one. We can't suggest anything that will make him love you and care about you and be sorry for his actions if he's just not, but we can suggest ways for you to demand respect from him and stop letting him manipulate you and stop putting up with his total disrespect and disregard of you and your feelings. We can suggest what you should do given how he has been treating you, which is to STOP letting him treat you like that. Begging for him back, for him to understand the pain he is causing, sending him emails, etc., it's only going to lead to him continuing to walk all over you. The only way to get to a healthy relationship with this guy is to truly stand up for yourself and show him the door if he continues to cross your boundaries. Otherwise, he will just keep treating you like a doormat. You may be scared of losing him when you stand up for yourself, but then you have your answer already and just don't want to face it.. He needs real consequences for his actions. Don't be afraid to give him those. If you want to get this marriage on track to something healthy, you have to be willing to lose it. Just keep telling yourself, "HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO HURT ME ANYMORE." If he continues to hurt you, STOP trying to fix him. You can't. You can only give him the consequences, which is you detaching from him and protecting yourself to where he can't do it anymore.

I see so many similarities between your story and mine, so I think that's why it has touched me so much. My STBX emotionally abused me so bad. I was just like you wondering why and what could I do to fix it and what am I doing wrong and what should I do differently to get him to change, etc. That really happened almost our whole relationship, and I'm almost glad for the cheating as it gave me my final push to get away from him and realize he wasn't going to change. Or at least that all the loving and caring I was doing was not working and only feeding the beast.. Please realize that you cannot "love him" into respecting you. It's just not working. You can only set up boundaries and give him consequences for breaking those boundaries..

I'm so glad you booked your plane tickets!! Wish I could come meet your friends. They sound fabulous! You've been doing awesome lately and really making some great strides, so keep it up

Tell him the dog is part of the family and if he can't handle that, then he can board the dog himself.

I would also be sure to pack your night out clothes with sexiest bras and panties, then leave the suitcase open where he can see.

I would leave both him and his ex AP with a f off before you leave.

Now go have a great time and only take calls from your kids. He can suck a big one.

momof3 - just wanted to chime in to say I'm so impressed with your strength and courage with ALL you're going through. Good for you for taking this trip and putting yourself first for once. I truly hope you find a sense of peace and renewed strength to face whatever might need to be done when you get home.

(((mom)))

Hi mom...maybe I have you confused with someone else,but isn't your WH a member here? Even if he's not,is it possible he is reading your posts?

It just seems as if this(ignoring you) has become a game for him. he seems to be enjoying it. Im wondering if he is reading your thoughts and feelings on here?

He is not a member but I have thought of the possibility he is watching me. I think he knows my screen name. If he is watching, then he is playing a game which is also cruel.

Tell him the dog is part of the family and if he can't handle that, then he can board the dog himself.

110% ^^^I hope you can tell him this without feeling guilty...

He is so blase'. He is cruel. Who cares!!! Your going on a fun weekend!!!

Nah. I'll take her. She's MY baby. She's the only one in the house who doesn't talk back, ask for money and gives unconditional love!

^^^That's even better!

Enjoy your mini vacation!!!

Nah. I'll take her. She's MY baby. She's the only one in the house who doesn't talk back, ask for money and gives unconditional love!

I feel the same way about my pup! I totally agree with that statement!

Well we went to the school play. Yet more torture. OW was three feet away from us (she did look pretty grumpy) and H Ignored me. I made eye contact w him and he looked away. He's getting colder by the minute. He's a pro at NC and 180. Aren't I lucky.

Alright enough of the pity....he is not doing the 180 to you. He is a complete A--hole. He is cold and could give a crap if you stayed or left.

Please take the time over your vacation to decided if you are going to roll over and take it or get off the potty. Enough is enough.

Sorry for the 2x4 but I truly think you have made a bad mistake by staying with him.

FWW here. I'm thinking back to my A seven years ago and how I was after I told my BH. I thought for sure he would leave me, and because I hadn't looked at myself AT ALL, when the first words out of his mouth were "Ive never loved you so much as I do at this moment" I was stunned. Because in the back of my mind, this was my out. I was gutless, but because I didn't want to be the bad guy, I went along with my BH blaming himself for my A, and never did any work at looking at why I felt it was ok to have affairs (yes, that wasn't the first one, nor the last)and we then just meandered along for years.

What I get from your posts is that you are terrified he will leave you, as my BH was, but its a terrible place to be in and can go on for a long time, with the Wayward doing nothing at all to figure themselves out. At the moment your WH has all the power and you are running around trying to connect. It needs to be the other way round.

I guess what Im saying, is that you are worth more. You are worth being loved FULLY, and until you realise this yourself, then this dynamic can continue for a long long time.

The 180 as many have said (WNW states it beautifully) is about YOU. And ultimately knowing that you deserve more than this. You deserve better.