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She seems devasted and completely remorseful. She cried quite a few times.

She has offered to quit her job so she doesn't have to travel

I told her today that I have a very hard time believing he never contacted her after her initial don't contact me text message. I told her you had a physical and emotional relationship for 7 weeks during which you talked daily. It wouldn't be that easy. And if she is lying to protect my feelings, don't.

She wrote back that (well she called but I couldn't talk by voice because I'm working) she understands why I feel that way and that she will not pretend that is has been easy to not contact him but she is focused on repairing the damage she caused and is focused on me and us.

I told her that if she does talk to him she will be eventually get caught. And if he contacts her to tell me immediately.

She says she has no desire to get away with anything. And she needs me.

I said we are lying to ourselves if we sweep it away that you want to talk to him and we need to figure how to deal with it if the emotion to call him becomes too strong.

She agreed.

I'm buying an audio recorder today. If she does talk to him she will be caught.

Hi Mikeinaa. Just read through this thread. Sounds like you may be proceeding forward with your WW? have you checked out any of these other threads that may help you by chance?

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with her:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Recovery Plan:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961

Choosing an IC/MC:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948

Also, these 3 would be for your WW but you will want to remove the SI references first if you want to print out for her to read:

How much does my BS hurt? ...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446

Things that every WS needs to know

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=474387

These are some recommended books too:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=32554840591&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=30222743575190427&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_1bpvpsu3gc_b

Those VAR's are a good idea. Some of that above literature will point out to your WW why she can have no further contact with her AP and what will happen to both of you if she does.

Good luck to you. Keep posting.

yop

I'm in the store buying the voice recorder now.

Thank you for the reading material!

I'm considering trying for r. Maybe I'm doing the actions. But really it's too soon to say I actually am yet.

This is very encouraging news. Take her up on the offer to change her job. I think the biggest worry is not so much whether he will phone/text/e-mail her; more a case of whether he will pressure her to meet for 'one last time' in December. She has an emotional connection with him unfortunately and away from home she could end up seeing him, without you finding out.

You cannot trust your WW to travel; you need a situation where her her activities can be monitored. I repeat you cannot trust her away from home now that you know she cares for the OM. She may be sincere about not wanting to see him, but too weak to say no. If you allow her travel in December you are playing roulette with your marriage.

You cannot trust your WW to travel; you need a situation where her her activities can be monitored. I repeat you cannot trust her away from home now that you know she cares for the OM. She may be sincere about not wanting to see him, but too weak to say no. If you allow her travel in December you are playing roulette with your marriage.

OK now is correct about this, but more importantly---what is your WW going to do to instill trust in you again? If you do not make any demands, will she go in December?

Remember, talk is cheap. Actions are what it is all about. As difficult as it may be, you need to observe what her actions and intents are...hopefully without having to step in, and make demands.

Mike, I am so sorry you are here. It is more than difficult. The anguish keeps rolling over you. I don't remember hardly anything from the first month post DDay 1. Like you - no sleep, couldn't eat, confused where I have been a decision maker and get-it-done kind of guy. Hence, my nickname from some co-workers.

yop provided some reading for you and WW. Not Just Friends (Shirley Glass) is the best book (out of many) that I read. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is a must read for a WS that truly wants to reconcile. All good stuff.

I am providing 2 links to the same website below that I found very descriptive and accurate. I hope it is okay to post these. If the moderators so no I will remove them. They are from a BAN website. I attended a BAN support group a couple of hours away one way. It was very helpful. The location has now moved another hour away and in a small city that has triggers for me. I won't be attending it anymore. There are BAN support grouops all through US and Canada.

The addresses below are from the same site. I think they provide a description to a WS or a spouse contemplating adultery (but why would they read them at that stage). Reading them may give your WW a perspective she never considered. I think the looking for an affair is the first to read.

http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/bloomington/looking-for-an-affair.html

http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html

Again, if I am out of line with these referrals I will remove them.

D-day + 8

Sleep 6 hrs better but not what i normally get on a weekend

Weight -1 lb 14 lb total loss

Yesterday was tough 1 week anniversary of d day

We talked this morning about not contacting him. She said it isnt that tough to not contact that he needed her more than she needed him. She has told me many times that she was trying to help him and that it felt good to be needed. She said she didnt feel like herself in it and that it felt like a movie .

Crap she walked in

Edit. Smoothly put this site away without flinching. Good thing I wasn't the cheater. Im good at hiding things. ... Finish later

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 10:52 AM, November 9th (Sunday)]

Well I hid the voice recorder today. I can't believe I did it. Why am I in a marriage where I have to spy on her! I loved her and trusted her with everything I had and now ... and now... I have to listen to every word she says in her office while I am gone. I am feel like I am a horrible person, but she made me this person!

I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep and pretend it isn't real.

I have one more thing I need to do to put this in full effect. I need to go through the phone records and her email in front of her again. I need to show her it isn't safe to use them. She has a phone on her computer that she uses for work. It doesn't have a call log. I have never called her on it. She told me about it over a year ago when she first got it. Since then it has disappeared from my world (i just call on her cell phone) When she got back from her trip and I went through her stuff in front of her, i forgot about it. But I found an email early on from her to him telling him to call her on it "because I can only hear it if I am at my computer. It is safe, I don't think even remembers I have it". So with her gone I checked it out. It doesn't have a call log.

If she communicates with him it will be through that phone and my voice recorder will catch it.

Another sucky ass day.... when will it end. I know, I know, A long time. blah!

Mikeinaa

D-day + 9

Sleep. 6 hrs (normal for weekdays)

Weight -1 now at 15lbs total

I think she wanted me this morning. I ignored her.

I am leaving for work today for 3 days. It will be a long 3 days with 16hrs in the plant a day.

Im tired of hurting.

Im scared of what I'll find on the car when I get back.

I ordered one of the books that steady Chevy suggested for her

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 9:07 PM, November 10th (Monday)]

Having a real rough night. Im in a hotel. She cheated on me in hotel.

Make the movies stop, please, somehow.

😢

D-day + 10

Sleep 3 hrs

Weight. Don't know in a hotel

Last night was horrendous sleeping in this hotel. The movies never stopped.

I tend to message her during the night when I can't sleep telling her what I am feeling. Last night I sent her a link to the song "Im not the only one" by sam smith. That song and the video describe my feelings well.

Well, if that song doesn't promote intense guilt in your wife then she's emotionally moved on.

She may message the OM in the next 3 days, but it may be to tell him its all over and to kindly leave her alone. Hopefully the contact won't go further than that. I guess the information you gather from the VAR will tell you if she can be trusted traveling in December.

D-day +11 this has turned into a journal. I hope that's ok.

Sleep was ok

Weight -1 16 lbs total

My var failed. I got 14 hours of nothing. I will change the settings and try again.

She never watched the song I sent. She said it would be too painful. She knew the song already. She says she felt like I sent it to punish her. And it made her put up a wall. That's not the response I wanted.

I took the day off work today. We are going to the gym together after the kids get on the bus. Then we are going to have sex when we get home from the gym. :)

We have our first mc tonight. I hope he is good.

Edit:

The recorder did work! I listened to her talking to me on the phone. And I heard her talking to the pool builder guys. I haven't heard anything bad on the recorder yet.

Gym and shower and sex were pushed back. She has a meeting and can't go. 😕

Edit again:

She gave me an apology card today. She told me she never thought she would need to give something like that and she is so sorry she made mistakes and now needs to.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 8:08 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)]

I suppose the MC meeting will involve your WW telling the counsellor how your deficiencies led to her cheating. Don't accept this; she needs to understand the magnitude of what she has done. Its also not good that she got resentful because you sent her the song; true remorse and full realization of what her infidelity has done to your marriage, doesn't involve her feeling resentment.

I still say your WW is deep into rug-sweeping. Maybe you should not be so keen as to offer reconciliation right up-front. Sexual relations just gives her reason to think she can manipulate this marriage and bury her adultery as fast as possible. Think about long-term benefits, not short term pleasure.

Look at it from your WW's perspective. Initially she was worried about separation or divorce. Then you arranged MC, re-established your sex life and now she's pretty sure that the marriage is going to survive and you'll be over this in a few weeks. That is no guarantee there will be no further adultery. Simply no consequences; just a few harsh words. Bet your wife sleeps well at night and isn't steadily losing weight.

[This message edited by OK now at 12:48 PM, November 12th (Wednesday)]

D-day + 12

Weight and sleep were steady

Mc last night. It was mostly him getting to know us and our relationship. We told him about the affair at first but he ignored it and asked about communication and needs and feelings before there was an affair. He didn't blame the affair on those things, he ignored the affair. Near the end ww brought back up. She told him that we were having problems dealing with the affair and she thought we needed help there before trying to work on the underlying issues.

We talked a lot last night after getting home. And cried together a lot last night after getting home. She said that the reason she wants to move forward is she knows the affair is over and she knows she will not have another. But she understands why I can't. She knows that I don't know those things. I don't feel safe. Im afraid of what I don't know right now.

She has ic on Sunday. Her birthday is Monday (42). She leaves for Boston on Tuesday for work. I have ic on Wednesday. She returns from Boston Thursday.

She said that the reason she wants to move forward is she knows the affair is over and she knows she will not have another.

Famous last words.

She will have another affair unless she completely understands the reasons for this one. It is good she brought up the affair again at the MC. It shows she is not rug sweeping it.

So in order for her to never do this again as she proclaims, she has to fully feel what she did and understand why and most certainly learns all about boundaries.

Michinaa

Your health has to be a major concern here. No one can endure what you are going through on a daily basis without bad things happening . First , I would inform your MC that this affair is not going to be rugs wept and if he or she feels that since your wife apologized and said it was over that you should move on to the future, as would find another therapist:

Your weight loss and loss of sleep will not subside with that approach.

I would not put much credence in your wife's comments. She knows until she discusses the affair she will not have normalcy back so don't give her too much credit here . Had she not been careless in leaving her new lingerie visible in her suitcase you would be clueless and she would be having sex with this guy regularly. She DID NOT confess!!!

You both travel for business but unlike some others Indo not think her quitting her job will solve the problem. First of all, if she is telling the truth, but in a restaurant or bar and unless she was out looking for a man, this could have happened a mile from your house at the grocery store. She was unhappy enough in the marraige to meet a guy and the next night have sex with him. Why does the location matter?? If you had been traveling it could have happened right on top of you.

I am sure you know the therapy is not going to solve the "why" riddle in just a few sessions, so how do you keep your sanity and health in the meantime.

Someone else suggested you hire a PI for the December trip when they had planned to meet. If you can afford it, that might give you some piece of mind and I would do it. But you obviously cannot do that long term. And my guess is that she has a work computer and cell phone that you have no ability to snoop on. So the total transparency requirement is useless, although she should have offered it.

Please do not get lulled to sleep by thinking this OM could not alter his travel plans and go to Boston next week.

You are fortunate he is nowhere near your home, but I honestly think the only way in the near future you are ever going to feel safe is to install a VAR in her car and maybe one in your home office if that is where she works, and to also tell her at some point you will be asking for a lie detector test with no notice. Her reaction will tell you where her head is really at.

If she is totally committed there is nothing you could ask for that she should not agree to. Her occupation and travel makes the normal means of snooping much more difficult. And her simple statement that she will never do it again should not be worth the breath it took to say it.

Try to start eating and get some meds: you can't jeopardize your health any more or your job. She fucked up and she needs to hear the burden of the repair if there is to be in one.

D-day +13

Sleep seems to be back to normal. Im going to stop journaling it. Weight- I ate more yesterday than in a while but my nutrition is still not good.

I am worried about my health that is why I am journaling sleep and weight. : /

I finished listening to the voice recorder from monday and Tuesday. It seemed to run out Monday night. I didn't catch anything on it. But I need more tape. I am home today on vacation. But I'll set it up to record Monday while I am gone. She leaves tuesday. If she plans to meet him you would think she would talk to him monday. Remember she has a phone on her computer without call logging and if im gone she is "safe". Well of course my recorder will catch her if she contacts him.

Thinks aren't great between us. She is slipping back into ignoring my needs again. We talked about that again this morning. I have no idea if it will make a difference. It makes me wonder what she truly feels. I know she could be lying to me and cake eating but she could be telling the truth. That's the shit of affairs. You never really know afterwards.

I have a very difficult time reading everyone else's posts here. It seems so clear cut and gets me mad the writer can't see the truth and see what to do. I almost never respond. I wonder if that is how ok now feels about my story. If it is so obvious to others but I am too close to see it.

Writing is very helpful.

Make a list of the exact things your wife has admitted to.

Make a list of things she refuses to answer.

Make a list of the things you believe she is lying about and WHY you believe she is lying.

Think as if you are sitting across the table talking to a friend.

Use common sense.

Write it all out. And then look it over.

Of course continue to snoop, because it really sounds as if she is still having an affair. The reason I say that is it is rather unusual for a WW to act the way your wife is and not be in the affair.

The bad attitude, the aloofness, etc. Her mind is elsewhere and it is obvious where it is.

The only way out of this is to point blank catch her, confront her and make a stand.

It is the limbo of not knowing for sure that makes the BS sick mentally and physically. Once you know for sure, you can then stand your ground without having to listen to her lies and then you wonder and wonder.

A PI would be an excellent thing for you to do when she is gone and a give you piece of mind.

As for contacting him before leaving, there are a million ways to contact someone without you ever knowing. Hell, she could use a payphone, they still exist out there. She could have a burner pay as you go cell phone hidden.

She doesn't have a bad attitude and isn't aloof. The issue last night is we were supposed to share a bath after the kids went to bed. Instead she was searching for a way to cook a turkey and all the sides. Then she said she was feeling tired but if she stayed up longer she needed to eat. And then she remembered the bath and said if I really wanted it still she would join me. My problem was I wanted her to really want it and she didn't. I was wishing it was something was looking forward to and she wasn't.

Her words and attitude have been very good towards this and everything is telling me it is over with him. But I also feel her attraction to me is not fully there.