SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wanted to throw in a couple of things that worked with my moderately intelligent, willfully independent 4 year old.

I began, at the suggestion of my son's play therapist, to phrase things to him in "If-then" statements.

Example, "If you want ice cream, then you have to take three more bites of dinner."

It took me a while to get the hang of talking to Teslet like that...but it works like a charm. And this is a kid that time outs have zero effect on.

When he was having behavior problems at school, a simple sticker chart and the knowledge that if he got a sticker mom was going to do something special with him did the trick. And by special I mean stuff like making a batch of cookies, going to the park, playing a game of soccer, sitting with him and watching his favorite show.

I bet you that she really comes around once she feels a bit more safe and in control.

Couple of things.

People DID call him a brat and an ogre. I know for me, there are certain members on here that when they post, I avoid commenting. Something about their posts, their attitudes, etc rub me the wrong way and I know it. I am SO tempted to post and I never do because in the past I used to and it never got me anywhere but involved in a fight. So if you don't like Bulldozer's post or you strongly disagree with him, maybe don't post. I know it's hard to control yourself trust me. I have the biggest mouth in the south ... but perhaps sometimes a little self control is necessary. Especially if you know what you say will be inflamatory. I am SO NOT calling anyone out here, just saying I've been on this board forever and that's the thing I've had to do to restrict myself when someone I don't normally agree with posts.

Secondly I AM a stepkid. I think those relationships are so hard. There are times when I was a total, out there brat. On purpose. I wanted to see if my dad loved me more than her. I made life hard for everyone. I've also been a good kid who was being treated unfairly - because she loved THEIR kids more. Because I had to clean more than they did. Because she hated my mom and by extention, me....

But fast forward 30 years and her three kids are jerks and she knows it. I am the kid who comes home for Christmas, doesn't live off them, calls on Mother's Day, flew in for her mom's funeral. She knows she got lucky and I consider her my mom but BOY was it a painful 30 something years.

The reason I don't have kids and won't are largely due to my experiences growing up in that house without MY mom, being raised by her and my dad and their sometimes awful children. I've made the decision to stop the buck HERE.

Relationships are HARD.

Well, I wish Bulldozer would come back and read this. I do agree that people called him a brat and an ogre and totally missed his point.

Much of the "advice" given was was how to make a four year old behave better. This would have been great if he had any authority. The problem is his wife does not want the child to HAVE any discipline or boundaries! Oh sure he should have figured that out before marrying her so quickly...but you know what? Life is a journey. He already married her and it is a waste of time to say what he should not have done.

Maybe I have a bit more sympathy and understanding because I married "too soon" and also had extreme mixed family complications due to my H not wanting to set any boundaries or discipline for his DD.

I had a great relationship with my Step-DD in her later years (but she only lived to be 24). Even though my H and I "made it" and are very close, I will not back down from my belief that his refusal to discipline or even acknowledge his DD needed any boundaries was detrimental. He could not ever say no to her. It was damaging to everyone involved including his DD.

It caused me to resent her, it negatively impacted her relationships with her two biological sisters, and severely impacted her relationship with step-siblings.

So isn't that nice to have only one person in the world in your corner?

The one parent who lets you get away with murder while the rest of the world doesn't want to be around you because you are so selfish, arrogant and entitled.

While so many come on thinking they would never call a four year old child running around a restaurant and being loud and disrespectful to everyone, a "brat" I'm sorry but I don't believe them! I'll bet two thirds of those who condemned the behavior have done it themselves (referred to such a child as a brat). And few people like to be around a child they consider to be a brat.

This is reality. But the bigger reality is the adults are the ones who need to take action to reign in that behavior. I agree children need love and affection but they also need discipline and boundaries. His wife refuses. THAT is the problem. In time, it won't be just Bulldozer who will think she is a brat.

Everyone will, relatives, others kids at school, teachers, and more. So it will adversely affect her relationships and be far more damaging than what is immediately obvious. But somewhere, somehow, when this child has problems in school, we are all going to say it is because her mommy remarried too soon and didn't rush the four year old to counseling, and her step-dad didn't like her and made excuses to get away instead of being around her. It is far from the whole picture.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:26 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Much of the "advice" given was was how to make a four year old behave better. This would have been great if he had any authority. The problem is his wife does not want the child to HAVE any discipline or boundaries!

^^^Ditto

Telling Dozer what he needs to do in this situation doesn't amount to anything. The issue is his wife. Unless she is willing to get on board, there isn't much he can do.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 9:21 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Bulldozer hasn't been back since 5/17.