SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Michinaa

You have reason to be a little pissed she is more concerned about a recipe online than being intimate with you. You would like think that knowing how you are hurting that there would be nothing more important than being close to you. To me , the reason that is worrisome is the lack of closeness to you for whatever reason made her be available to in essence just get picked up by some guy without even being drunk as an excuse. If she is telling you the truth and there is not hook up website involved, you need you MC to pull that out of her as to what she really feels is missing

Please do not get complacent about the snooping and consider thePI. And I would search her car, closet, purses ,!wnd anywhere a burner phone could be hidden. At this point I believe you should also not absolutely rule out the possibility that there is more than one travel OM and you just caught one:

There are restaurants and bars in every city she travels too.

I am not saying this to upset you and I apologize if it does, but you need to leave no stone unturned if you are to be able to at some point get back to normal, or as normal can be:

I hope you get this VAR batteries dying on you fixed, you are correct in that if she is still I contact with him it will happen soon: I would keep asking her if he has friend to contact her. The more she has to talk, the greater chance she will say something inconsistent.

Glad you are looking after your health. Just do not be MR Nice Guy. They finish last week n this game

Michinaa

You have reason to be a little pissed she is more concerned about a recipe online than being intimate with you. You would like think that knowing how you are hurting that there would be nothing more important than being close to you. To me , the reason that is worrisome is the lack of closeness to you for whatever reason made her be available to in essence just get picked up by some guy without even being drunk as an excuse. If she is telling you the truth and there is not hook up website involved, you need you MC to pull that out of her as to what she really feels is missing

Please do not get complacent about the snooping and consider thePI. And I would search her car, closet, purses ,!wnd anywhere a burner phone could be hidden. At this point I believe you should also not absolutely rule out the possibility that there is more than one travel OM and you just caught one:

There are restaurants and bars in every city she travels too.

I am not saying this to upset you and I apologize if it does, but you need to leave no stone unturned if you are to be able to at some point get back to normal, or as normal can be:

I hope you get this VAR batteries dying on you fixed, you are correct in that if she is still I contact with him it will happen soon: I would keep asking her if he has friend to contact her. The more she has to talk, the greater chance she will say something inconsistent.

Glad you are looking after your health. Just do not be MR Nice Guy. They finish last week n this game

When you assess what your WW has done, the summary is that a married woman with kids cheated on her husband and family. This is something that takes a huge amount of anger, resentment and disillusionment on your WW's part. It isn't an easy thing for a woman to do.

She also had little interest in sexual relations, which is a sign of withdrawal from the marriage.

Now the affair has been revealed, even though your wife was happy to continue seeing the OM, there is a measure of guilt and shame. That is what has led to a slightly better sex life with you - just guilt. Won't last, as you are finding out.

The fact is that her disillusionment with your marriage is still there; it hasn't gone away. All the reasons that caused her to emotionally detach from you are still present and you need to avoid trying to rebuild with the resentment still in place.

Your choices:

1] Work with the MC to find out the source of your wife's antipathy towards you. She may be reluctant to reveal this; she may actually think there is no solution. To give an instance; suppose she had come to think you were actually boring and tedious to converse with. There is no easy solution to that.

2] Soldier on with the marriage and your wife's distaste for marital sex until one, or both of you, starts having affairs.

3] If counseling demonstrates that your wife will not recover her feelings for you then divorce. This is definitely possible; your wife may have lost respect for you and you can't get it back.

In conclusion you need your wife to emotionally reattach herself to your relationship and remain bonded to you. Then she has to be able to remove her resentment and anger from the relationship and feel that the marriage problems have gone away and you both can make a new start. its going to take total and brutal honesty on your WW's part; she has to be able to tell you the source of her anger, disillusionment, disgust, rage, indifference etc. etc. If she can't do this then little will change and the problems will remain, and infidelity will one day reappear. I think you can see why many BS's choose to divorce. The way back to marital bliss is a very hard road to travel and few find the way back to happiness.

D-day +14

I made it two weeks.

Im a little depressed today.

We are choosing number 1. It will be a slow go though.

She is reading the book I got her and trying to follow it. Honestly she was mostly already doing the things in it.

We had sex this morning. She lets me touch her. We both enjoyed it. Such a change from the last few years where my hand would make her freeze. It was just the act itself allowed and was just for me. This is nice.

But thoughts of om and her have pushed me away from the good feelings this morning.

D-day +16

I went a whole day without adding anything here!

Yesterday she had ic. I haven't heard anything about it. Today is her birthday. She says she feels loved.

Tomorrow she leaves for Boston. The city she met him in.

I setup the var again in her office. This time with a lower quality sound so I get more time. If she plans to see him she will call him from her office today or tomorrow. I don't think she plans to meet him though. I think she is telling the truth. But thinking isn't enough for me right now. I need the var to tell me the same.

Michinaa

Glad you at least think she is being truthful. Not sure if you can be sure she will contact him today from house, and I would not be sure he has not been able to adjust his schedule even though this trip was not supposed to be the next meet up trip. When I travel on business there are a lot of times I can deviate or change my schedule.

What would be interesting to me is if she stays in the same hotel where she met him. You might think that if she was really remorseful she might not want to so soon revisit the place where she got picked up.

With her travel schedule, and you not knowing his, I think it is going to be quite some time before you can relax when she is gone. And it appears if I understand you correctly that you have no way to monitor her work communications

on e mail or phone if she is not where the VAR is.

You sound like a very smart guy, and knowing she knows you are watching her, I would not get overconfident that she is being truthful. What strikes me about your post is that like me you only caught her because she got careless or it would be still be going on big time, and it was very recent.

I hope you figure it all out, and that you are not in this spot for long. I honestly feel, that if i was you at some point, maybe not now, I would ask for a polygraph. there is absolutely no other way that you will know if she has done anything more while out of town regularly. And her response to your request would tell you a lot even if you really had no intention to go through with it. Again, because of how this occurred, there could be other OM out there since she travels regularly.

i am not saying that to alarm you, but in fact your wife basically just got picked up by a strange man and was in bed with him the next night. I would find it difficult to believe that it could not have happened other times with other men.

TT and second D Days from what I have read here are sometimes worse than the original. Please do everything you can to protect yourself from that happening even if it seems extreme. In the care of a WW, I believe it is better to overreact than under react, at least for you.

Hope you stay vigilant and strong.

Set the var at 44k and use long life lithium batteries.

Thank you for your words nononsense.

I hope your wrong but I just don't know yet do i.

One thing going for me is she was very bad at covering up. I have taught her to be smarter but I have not shown her all my tricks yet. I guess I'm hoping I won't need them.

There was an email where she told him to call her work phone that it is safe in her office. She doesn't know I saw that email. I have never checked her work phone in her office in front of her. As of right now she would think it is still safe, Im sure of it. And in fact it would be if not for the var.

As far as another om, yes it's possible. I have no evidence towards it though. And looking back I can see a change in her starting when she met this one. I haven't noticed anything like that before. No real way to know there wasn't another. But I don't feel like there was.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 10:54 AM, November 17th (Monday)]

Set the var at 44k and use long life lithium batteries.

What does 44k mean?

Oh nevermind it is bit rate. The first try was with "shq" setting. Now I'm using "sp". The ratings on the var are lp, sp, Hq, and shq.

If my batteries die again. I'll get better batteries. Good idea!

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 11:02 AM, November 17th (Monday)]

One thing going for me is she was very bad at covering up. I have taught her to be smarter but I have not shown her all my tricks yet. I guess I'm hoping I won't need them.

There was an email where she told him to call her work phone that it is safe in her office. She doesn't know I saw that email. I have never checked her work phone in her office in front of her. As of right now she would think it is still safe, Im sure of it. And in fact it would be if not for the var.

As far as another om, yes it's possible. I have no evidence towards it though. And looking back I can see a change in her starting when she met this one. I haven't noticed anything like that before. No real way to know there wasn't another. But I don't feel like there was.

Michinaa

Don"t check her work phone in front of her. Do it when she is not there, but I would do it.

You now know that you should NOT reveal ANY more of your tricks that you have not shown her. Don't underestimate her ability to learn and become better at it.

And as far as her behavior only changing when she met this guy. He may be the only one she wanted to make a regular thing. Does not mean there were no other ONS.

Your situation is a little similar to mine in the both your WW and mine made a thought out decision to fuck another man, and in my case, multiple men. You wife had 24 hours from the time she met him to think about it, but still went through with it. Mine actively sought out fuck buddies of the Godfather of cheating sites.

Right now, anything she tells you needs to be treated like a lie until proven otherwise.

Ass backwards, but that is why this sucks so badly.

And her story changes....

Story was, met him in Boston in September at a hotel bar restuarant. Felt bad for him over his bad marriage. Had sex second night. Got caught in ea while trying to help him with his marriage. Had sex in Raleigh in mid October. Planned to have sex in DC early November but was caught nov. 1. One text after my discovery saying I found out. Nc since. He was first and only affair.

Now story is

Met in Boston late September. Talked at bar first night. She left next day for atlanta (I will check delta records to see if this is true). No pa. Continues talking by phone where ea began. Met in my city for lunch only early October. Met and sex in raliegh mid october. Planned to meet early November in DC for sex. I caught her nov 1. One text after and then nc. He is the first and only a.

Wth!

She said she didn't know what she was saying when she said pa happened in Boston.

In someways the new story makes more sense. She isn't promiscuous or at least wasn't. Would need an emotional connection for sex. 2nd story gives that. And is a more plausible story that explains being first and only.

But wtf! Why the other story first!

And he was in my fucking city!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhh! Im not even fucking safe here!

I had a dream the other night where he confronted me to apologize at my house. I nearly killed him in my dream with my fists. I woke from that dream with a smile.

Hey man I'm with you I got the email from my the guys wife telling me my wife was sleeping with her husband. It's a horror show. 13 months removed it's still painful, we are attempting to reconcile but it's not easy. First marriage was a co worker. This marriage girls weekend turned into a two year affair. I don't get it we had an amazing marriage or so I thought. I Will tell you this it made me take a look at things I could improve on. Not taking blame, but when a bomb like this goes off one of the positive things is your ability to reflect and improve. I also,got a therapist and trust me it's WELL worth it!

Good luck I know what you ate going through its not easy but keep posting it helps for sure!

Maybe your WW has her OM's confused?

Yup!! You read that right....OM'sssss

I hope youve prepared yourself for the possibility that your WW has been picking guys up at bars while outta town for some time now.

Wow I think it is polygraph time or at least the threat of one to spill the beans.

D-day +17

Sleep not much last night

Weight -2, -18 lbs total

I don't know how one prepares for devastation.

We talked last night about the book and if she is doing what the book says. I asked her for more details on the story. Condoms were used. Physical started in raliegh. She told him that she loved him raliegh. He's cheated on his wife once before my wife. She met him for lunch here near the airport. She gave him a hug. They were flirting but not physical yet. They made plans for raliegh while at lunch. He travels all the time all over the place. She is surprised he didn't try to contact her after her text to him. She said maybe he's off to the next one.

She loves me and wants me. She felt she was living in a movie. She likes helping people and it started with him by helping him with his bad marriage. An ea began while talking. She has been missing an emotional connection with me.

She is very sorry and wishes it never happened. She feels she doesn't deserve me. She would understand if I had cheated on her because she couldn't make me happy. She will fight for us now.

I know it could all be lies. But when im with her she sounds truthful. I do love her. I hate what she did and it consumes me. Im terrified of what I don't know or what could happen.

She leaves today for Boston. I'll be listening to the var tonight.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 5:43 AM, November 18th (Tuesday)]

Have you told OM's wife yet?

Have you and your WW been tested for STD's?

I stated early on that i contacted her. I didn't, I contacted the wrong person who was already getting a divorce. I later found the right women. I texted her, left a message on Facebook and sent her a real letter in the mail. I got no reply back.

The day of discovery i sent an email to om with wife watching as I typed. It said "hi ..., this is .... Husband. Sorry your marriage sucks. Thanks for ruining mine". I sent this before she sent her last text to him.

We did not get tested for stds. Yes I know, dumb.

Michinaa

And her story changes....

Story was, met him in Boston in September at a hotel bar restuarant. Felt bad for him over his bad marriage. Had sex second night. Got caught in ea while trying to help him with his marriage. Had sex in Raleigh in mid October. Planned to have sex in DC early November but was caught nov. 1. One text after my discovery saying I found out. Nc since. He was first and only affair.

Now story is

Met in Boston late September. Talked at bar first night. She left next day for atlanta (I will check delta records to see if this is true). No pa. Continues talking by phone where ea began. Met in my city for lunch only early October. Met and sex in raliegh mid october. Planned to meet early November in DC for sex. I caught her nov 1. One text after and then nc. He is the first and only a.

Wth!

She said she didn't know what she was saying when she said pa happened in Boston.

In someways the new story makes more sense. She isn't promiscuous or at least wasn't. Would need an emotional connection for sex. 2nd story gives that. And is a more plausible story that explains being first and only.

But wtf! Why the other story first!

And he was in my fucking city!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhh! Im not even fucking safe here!

Lets look at the above that you posted about her story changing. And let's assume she has never cheated before or with anyone else (not betting on that but humor me). This entire affair lasted ONLY seven weeks. And a woman who earns a six figure income could not remember correctly where or when the first time she got laid by OM was or the timeline on how it happened, especially since she communicated with him daily.

Also, if you are to believe story number 2, they met in Boston, and then met again near the airport in your city and all she did was have lunch with him and hug him and plan to fuck him in Raleigh. Did he stay over night the in your city?? Now, you travel for business, and so do I. You are telling me you would alter your travel plans with the expectation of a hug only???

Now, you have his name but all you have is her word that it is over. His wife deserves to know that her husband is a scumbag. If she had caught them you would have certainly appreciated her calling you.

Now some will say that by contacting the spouse of OM will maybe cause contact again, I totally disagree with that. it is more likely that his POS world will be blown up a little like yours because right now you only have your wifes word (and you CANNOT totally believe that)it is over. This will make it much more likely he will NOT weeks or months from now put out a "feeler" to your wife like "how are things", and if you do not think that can reignite this thing just read some of the other threads.

The next reason you need to expose him is that your wifes reaction will also tell you a lot about where her head is really at. Is she more concerned about protecting her OM, or about your peace of mind? If she goes bonkers, your marriage is not on the road to R, but to another affair.She should be willing to turn him over to the wolves for you, period. And do not tell her you are doing it. If she finds out, it meanms she has broken NC and is talking to him.

Two more things. Put the GPS on the car. Since he has access to your city, when you are at work or out of town and you call her and she tells you where she is you will know if she is telling you the truth or not. You already have the VAR in her car, or you should have it as well as office at home, and it is cheap and easy to do. And she should be wanting to tell you where she is and what she is doing without you asking. That is called transparancy, and if you read about healing, it is one of the building blocks after NC. It does not seem like she is giving you anything other than what you ask for.

Her telling you she would understand if you had cheated is bull shit. She is just trying to justify what she did. Disregard it!!!

A bunch of others, incl;uding myself, have told you to at some point tell her it is polygraph time. not yet but if your gut tells you to. Do not rule that out.

Nononsense is right.

Hold your wife accountable.

Show her consequences for her bad decisions.....

I don't write everything i say to her. I have told her many times that im not sure I want to continue the marriage. She knows if I catch anything I will be gone. I am NOT letting her sweep it away or forgiving for it. I told her the women i married is dead and I don't know yet who she is or if I want to be with the person in front of me.

She read How to help your spouse heal after your affair. Then we talked about all the things I didn't think she was doing. Including her story.

I have been strong with her.

But I do think she is doing a lot of things I don't see in other stories. We will see. This is NOT an r story yet. This is still a just found out story.

I had ic today with the mc. I told him how I don't believe her story and how I feel blameless in her affair. He didn't disagree with me. The next mc we are going to talk about her story.

She returns from Boston tomorrow. We have a date planned for Friday.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 8:20 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)]