SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Charlie (I refuse to call you Dummy). Your WW has a personality disorder and she is bipolar. These things aren't going to change. She sees the world through the lens of me,me, me and is unable to look beyond herself to others. She isn't going to change.

So you need to and you have already started by standing up to her and moving the money for a laywer.

You and your girls need IC. Get that started as soon as you can. They need you to be their sane parent. They need you to always be honest with them and always be there for them. They need you to provide them with consequences and boundaries and to teach them right from wrong. Ideally they would benefit from having a safe haven which would be your house where they can learn what it is like to have a home free of the craziness that their Mother brings. They need a place where everything is normal so as they get older they can compare their mothers behaviour to normal behaviour and see her for who she is.

So 180. Get into IC and get strong enough to use that money for a lawyer to help you start your and the girls new life. And yes get a VAR to save you from false DV charges.

Your WW is like my WH. He is NPD. In his mind I did abuse him everytime I stood up to him. Every time I challenged his selfish behaviour. Every time I set a boundary and enforced the consequence. You know that you didn't abuse her and that is your truth. Hold on to that truth as she will continue to shift the blame towards you as she actually isn't able to see the truth.

[This message edited by HardyRose at 6:01 PM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

I understand wanting to be hopeful. But she's giving you nothing to work with. Nothing.

Please start the 180. Work on getting some clarity. IC would be so helpful for you and your children. Right now you are in too deep to see the forest through the trees.

I'm glad you're here posting. Don't stop...as you can see, we understand. Your story is horrific and I'm sending you strength and clarity as you claw your way out of this cesspool...

(((Dx8)))

Dx'd Borderline

I spent two years in college as a psychology major before deciding it wasn't what I wanted. The discussions about Borderline stick in my mind because the professors said that, of all the Cluster B disorders, this was the one they hated treating the most because it was the most difficult to treat and the most likely to fail. They said very rarely did a Borderline patient get better and all of them said they would take a Narcissist over Borderline any day because even though success is low with Narcissism, it's still more likely than Borderline. Further, one professor said she hesitated for a very long time and until she was absolutely certain her patient was borderline to actually diagnose because she said it was a diagnosis that followed the patient and made it difficult to get psychiatric treatment from new doctors if they knew about it.

I do think people can change. But people have to want to change. And then people have to put forth consistent effort to change. And people can't just declare themselves changed after having an issue like this for all their lives. Change is action, not words. Here's the other thing, just because she says she's changing, it doesn't mean it's for the better. You have got your work cut out for you here, man. Be very careful and please follow the advice about the VAR. It's not impossible for your wife to change but, with Borderline as a diagnosis, there are many other miracles that are more likely. (By the way, you should look up the relationship between Borderline personality disorder and sexual behavior).

My eyes are wide open. This bullshit about the physical abuse continuing was a complete shock to me. I asked her about it last night. I said are you talking about me slapping you when I found out you cheated on me 17 years ago and she said yes. I said why are you talking about that now? I completely owned up to that to my friends, family, MC at the time. Her cheating on me was no excuse for what I did, and I have never tried to give an excuse. It happened. I owned up to it. I have proven that that was a mistake by the fact I never did it before, never have done anything like it since. I let her punch and hit me for years and never touched her back but instead threatened to call the cops. She went and fucked 7 more guys and I never layed a finger on her. She agreed with ALL of the above last night. She admitted I dont hit her, she admitted she hits me, she admitted that when she punches and hits me she yells at me "hit me back" and I NEVER DO. She hits herself and cuts herself because she says she get a release from it and I whole heartily believe thats why she try to bait me into hitting her. The accusation of continued physical abuse has really began to open my eyes and make me move away from feeling bad for her, to more concerned about being in the same house as her.

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 6:45 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

I highly suggest that you go back and read all of her posts since she's been here. She has not accused you of abuse once, or twice. It's an ongoing theme. I think it will be a real eye-opener for you. If you don't know what her username is, message one of the people on this thread that said that we have figured out who she is, and we will tell you.

Did you get the VAR?

I agree that you need to protect yourself by carrying a VAR at all times. Your WW is unstable at best. Consult with an attorney about divorce and custody so that you will at least know what your rights are and know what to expect. Also, doing so will help you avoid any missteps along the way when it does come to separating from her and her toxic drama.

Get your kids into counseling ASAP. There's no telling how much lasting damage your WW has already done to them with her antics and poor parenting. Who knows what lasting damage the older one already has from how she undermined your authority with them all of those years by treating you as though you weren't just as equally their parent as she was.

Your WW is talking out of both sides of her mouth when in one breath, she says she is done with hurting you, yet turns right around and completely craps on you by going to the party with absolutely no regard for how that made you feel, yet then claims to have no control over how she made you feel. Doesn't sound like someone who is owning their shit to me. If anything, it sounds like it's way too easy for her to completely dismiss anything doesn't go her way in life and then run you over while blaming you for it. To me, it appears to be a little game where she sets you up to get your hopes up, then bowls you smooth over, and then blames you for it for getting in her way. Talk about being selfish and very abusive.

I don't blame you at all for being concerned about being in the same house with her. If her current pattern of setting you up and blame shifting continues, I wouldn't be surprised at all if she once again runs you over to get her way in life. And that includes accusing you of abuse in order to have the advantage in a divorce/separation. Making wild accusations and pointing fingers at you for her own heartless behavior seems to be a recurring theme. Being a grown up though, you can take care of yourself. Your girls need you to protect them from this toxic mess that your WW likes to create and then blame you for. They need a positive role model and your WW is NOT it.

The kids have a counselor that they see. WW must have read this post cause she asked me last night if I had a VAR. Also, she corrected her post about the accusation of "the physical abuse continues". Because it was a manipulative lie.

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 7:31 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

Your wife has made the "abuse" she suffers at your hands an ongoing thing of her posts since she has been on this site. I asked her if she was abused why she was working on reconciling with you and got crickets in response. Make sure you protect yourself.

^^^THIS^^^

I agree, she's talking out of both sides of her mouth.

She has very little regard for how her actions And behavior impact you. A truly remorseful person would have EVERY regard in that way.

Please be safe.

accusing you of abuse in order to have the advantage in a divorce/separation.

I divorced a BPD more than 20 years ago. After I filed for D, first came the 911 call claiming abuse(False) then came the ex-parte(can't defend yourself) hearing where she tried to remove me from the home because she was *afraid*.

Both attempts failed. I *won* custody after a nasty, nasty trial. The court actually split the family(XWW had a daughter from a previous M) to award me primary custody of my son. She became a EOW mom. She disagreed with that and filed an appeal. She lost there also. She didn't agree with the appellate courts decision, so we went to the state supreme court. I won there also.

The cost of the D went well into six figures. I had to endure a year and a half of in house separation, because she would agree to nothing less than full custody for herself. All of our finances were gone through with a fine tooth comb. Each and every check was scrutinized to make sure I wasn't financially abusing her. All of our medical and counselling records were opened and examined. Do NOT delude yourself, there is no *confidentiality* when the court is considering what is *in the best interests of the children*. Everything you feel is private? Nope, it will be exposed. Her A's? While not directly relevant to your divorce, they WILL show her lack of judgement and disregard of consequences and be relevant to awarding custody. Don't let the two become intertwined.

There is a distinct possibility of legal ramifications when the A's come to light. The two opposing counsels are sexually involved? How many of her clients/cases are compromised? What concern did she show for her children if she was willing to risk disbarment/jail time just to satisfy a sexual urge?

I'm not saying there is no hope. I am just not seeing remorse. Her evolving story seems to be designed to elicit sympathy rather than to seek help or guidance. Classic BPD traits. Have you ever gotten a *straight* apology? One where there wasn't a *but* involved?

I know she is reading this. I hope she will truly look within and seek help. It won't be easy. It won't be quick and it will be a lifelong struggle. But, it would be worth it.

RUN......RUN.....

She is still seeking ego kibbles and making allegations of abuse. She is still using your healing(you agreeing to go to IC) as away to "prove" you are aware that you are "psychologically abusing" her.

She is DANGEROUS! Its still about her...she is still the victim. You are the abuser. She brushed over her going to the party even though you asked her not too and went straight to you being abusive. She didnt need to justify why she went BUT she needed to update/inform that you are seeking help for your "abusive" behavior.

I spent two years in college as a psychology major before deciding it wasn't what I wanted. The discussions about Borderline stick in my mind because the professors said that, of all the Cluster B disorders, this was the one they hated treating the most because it was the most difficult to treat and the most likely to fail. They said very rarely did a Borderline patient get better and all of them said they would take a Narcissist over Borderline any day because even though success is low with Narcissism, it's still more likely than Borderline.

From someone who was a psych major a bit more recently, there's been a lot of hope with dialectical behavior therapy and EMDR for helping people with BPD. Some of the most challenging aspects of treating someone with BPD is getting them to be honest and having them want to change.

Dummy, if your WW doesn't acknowledge her behaviors and want to change, it doesn't matter how much IC, med, and books she reads. She will never get better until she starts being honest and gets a dedicated, experienced IC to work with. Without that there is no hope for this M working out for you.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 11:05 AM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

EVERYONE - The Wayward forum is a protected forum. Posts from Wayward are not to be taken to any other forum for discussion.

Support the OP without bringing his wife's posts in to it.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 6:25 AM, December 8th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 6:25 AM, December 8th (Thursday)]

BPD is unfortunately something I had to deal with. Not my wife, thank god, however, my former business partner is married to a really beautiful woman who has BPD. Her symptoms destroyed our business. Her actions destroyed our friendship (our kids went to school together, she throws a party for the end of year, and my kid calls me from the party: Dad, she is serving booze, and this is getting out of hand. I had him round up as many of his friends that would come with him and I was in their driveway in 3 minutes)Turns out, my ex-partner's W, decided to sleep with two minors. As I was driving away from the party, I called the police. She received several charges, not the least of which left her with a sex offender tag. I do not know whether or not they are still married, neither do I care.

X8; I hurt for you having to deal with this. I am told there is little that can be done. Whatever your decision, please take care of you. Your kids will thank you.

Holy moly. This had me on the edge of my computer chair cringing...

First I am so so sorry that you are dealing with such a shitstorm. Good God!

Second I am sure most of us have called our WS some choice names.... but calling a spade a spade is not abuse.

I broke my hand punching my WH in the face when I found out. My biggest regret. And owning up to shit and ic all show that YOU have morals and remorse for all of your shit.... even tho you are not the one sitting in the asshole chair here....

Your ww seems like a gem.... she is toxic. She is abusive. She is not safe. Not now. Maybe not ever. I truly hope you are carrying a VAR. Avoid her like the plague... and when you can't, record the shit out of all conversations. Hell I'd set up security cams.

You need to put you and children first here and get her out of the house. She does not deserve to be there. She may be doing the textbook work but not the emotional work.

Time to love yourself.

Keep posting and keep telling yourself you are worth so much more!

Your ww seems like a gem.... she is toxic. She is abusive. She is not safe. Not now. Maybe not ever. I truly hope you are carrying a VAR. Avoid her like the plague... and when you can't, record the shit out of all conversations. Hell I'd set up security cams.

You need to put you and children first here and get her out of the house.

^^^^^this^^^^^^