Hello all,
We have been together for 13 years, married 11. Blended family. My biological 20 and 19. Her biological 19 and 14.
I found out this past Saturday, Nov 8th. It happened 15 months ago, I've always wondered about that weekend. Never would have imagined her cheating on me.
We had got into a big argument that morning over the way one of us said something. Trivial, not anything of significance but that is how most disagreements between us happened. This definitely wasn't our first fight and wouldn't be the last. Overall we've made many great memories and bonds in our relationship. That particular day I had my company picnic and she had a celebration of life to attend at a friend's house. Little did I know she'd spend that Saturday and Sunday night there ignoring all of my calls and texts. Drinking heavily and stewing over us. To the point where one of our boys and my father in law got involved because of how out of character she was acting.
She finally came home Monday night we had a sit down on Tuesday to discuss issues that we felt about our marriage. Also how she ignored me, our 2nd oldest Son and her Father all weekend. She unloaded on me with both barrels. It was as if there had never been a positive moment in our marriage of 10 years. I tried to get her to take responsibility for what she contributed to our disagreements or our triggers but she wasn't having it. A week long of her keeping me on the fence about our future and she started to come back around. Eventually life going back to "normal". I did ask her if anything happened that would worry me over that particular weekend because I noticed she was at her friends brother's house nearby to the celebration of life. Our immediate family has Life360 so we can all see where each other are. She denied up and down anything happened and had an excuse for being there. Went with him, her friends brother, to let his dog out.
Fast forward, lots of more great moments and some bad. Positive moments outweigh the negative, however the negative have been dramatized so that they outweigh the positive.... If that makes sense. Several mild disagreements have blown up into her leaving for a few nights, even taking the youngest (14) once and he didn't even know what was going on.
Prior to "that weekend" I caught her snorting coke. I was devastated because of the breach of trust that I felt. What did I do about it? What could I do? I was told that was the only time. Now tonight I find out that it's been every once in a while since we've been together for 13 years. As recently as two weekends ago. It seems the more I dig the more I find out about.
We were drinking together this past weekend, honestly having a blast singing together, dancing together. Something overcame me that triggered me to question "that weekend". At first she denied, then it was "just a kiss" and then it was, "yes, we had sex, but it was nothing, it just happened." When I heard that I removed my ring in reaction without any true thought. To my utter shock, she removed hers several minutes later. This is going to sound ridiculous but even removing my ring in reaction I was still in disbelief of what she admitted to. It was like, that didn't just really happen and I shifted my mood as if I really didn't just hear what I think I did. I normalized our moment and I put my ring back on. She followed my normalizing and suggested we go to a friend's house (different than the one from "that weekend"). I said I'd rather go to dinner. She agreed to that. We get a ride to a restaurant and as we're sitting there it begins to sink in more. I start to vocalize it, without making a scene. She doesn't want to hear it and decides she wants to go to the friends house. I suggest we just go home and she proceeds to call a cab to get a ride to her friends whom are having a party. I'm left hanging and call one of the boys girlfriend for a ride home. All other boys that drive were out of town. When I get home I try calling her, several no answers and then she does. She asks me what's up, I tell her I need her home, I don't understand what's happened. Her reply is, that she's playing cards and hanging out, we'll talk tomorrow. Then I notice her ring still on the countertop. Cumulatively that physically and mentally crushed me. Next to nothing as far as sleep and then I go pick her up Sunday morning. That is when we actually start to address everything. To me, now it's on her time. She got to party all night and not deal with anything. I had to deal with the sudden trauma all alone.
Since Sunday, She is showing tremendous remorse. Says she'll do anything it takes to keep us together, she says her bullshit must stop, she will be patient with me as long as this takes. All good lip service and great words to hear. However, she has also done some rationalizing. Blame shifting. As well as deflecting.
What am I supposed to believe!? This is all very fresh to me, yet 15 months old to her. She told me she called him a few days after it happened and told him she messed up, it was very wrong anything happened. He allegedly agreed. Also claims she's never spoke to him since that phone call.
Again, what am I supposed to believe?
Without sounding like I'm bragging, this guy is a true loser. No job, criminal record. I've worked my ass off for everything we have, I'm successful. She's successful. WTF!?
Do I give her ring back to her? Do I continue to wear mine? What meaning do they have anymore?
Do I contact him to verify she called him? Do I express my anger and grief to him regardless? What does that gain me?
Do I stay? I foresee myself collapsing as if I deserved this somehow. Yet, I also foresee this not lasting if I do. Her patience will wear thin perhaps.
I've begun reading these forums, other related material and started listening to a podcast today that addresses this stuff directly. It's been really good so far, addressing what each parties expectations, responsibilities are without justifying betrayal at all. She's started looking for a counselor that handles this subject although we are rural and it's tough. I told her I would share the podcast that I found today with her since again, it addresses both sides. I also said that's the only homework I would offer her. She has to do everything else on her own for herself. Not necessarily for us.
If you have read this whole thing, I really appreciate you. Well, even if you haven't I still appreciate your attention. I've put a lot of time into it trying to recant as much as possible. If there are any follow up questions please let me know. I want to be as clear and transparent as possible to get the most advice and experience from this community.
Thank you for your time.
