Mondays are therapy days for both my wife and me. Our therapist is having us work through the book Courageous Love by Stephanie Carnes. As part of that process I put together a "full disclosure" that went through all my sexual behavior and substance abuse from childhood onward including the affair. The betrayed partner then puts together an "emotional impact" letter that they read to the Wayward. Today we did a joint session and my wife read the emotional impact letter.
We have had many talks since I initially disclosed the affair three months ago and also subsequent to the full disclosure. There was not any material new information in the full disclosure, but putting everything together in one document was a heavy process and reading it to my wife took a heavy emotional toll. My wife has shown more emotion in the last three months than in our entire marriage combined. I have told her even though she did not know about the darkest parts of me, I think subconsciously she never felt safe enough with me to be totally open and vulnerable. She also did not come from a family that talked about their emotions so it is a new muscle. I thought in our many talks she had expressed all the raw pain and trauma that she has been feeling; however, like many assumptions I was very wrong.
The combination of therapy and working on the emotional impact statement really pulled some of the deepest thoughts and emotions she has had over the last three months. I thought reading the full disclosure was difficult, but listening to my wife articulate the full impact this is having on her really broke me in a way that reminded me why I have put up walls and compartmentalized since I was a young child. I am a recovering addict and have also not had a drop of alcohol in 20+ years, but my thoughts went very quickly to trying to figure out how I could numb the emotions I was feeling.
I am trusting the process and my wife did say after the session that she thinks reading the letter was helpful for her. I spent the last 30 minutes of the session solo with the therapist and when she asked how I was feeling I told her I feel so helpless and hopeless as I do not see how my wife will ever heal from that level of pain and trauma. The wounds seem so deep right now. I know the passage of time has a way of helping the healing, but I am having trouble seeing a time when all of this does not feel as omnipresent as it does right now.
I know this will sound crazy to some, but I told the therapist that I really wish I was on the other side of the betrayal. I can deal with people hurting me. My biggest traumatic events are from those who are supposed to love us unconditionally and I am finding a way to process that. I am having a hard time living with the knowledge that my actions are inflicting a level of incomprehensible hurt on my wife who is so innocent in this process. That is so not the person I want to be and that conflict is torture.
Posting this more because SI is my outlet for these thoughts, but appreciate any support and love from the community. Today was a really heavy day.
[This message edited by feelingverylow at 12:50 AM, Tuesday, December 2nd]
