Longtimecoming (original poster new member #82808) posted at 8:16 PM on Monday, December 8th, 2025
I’m so glad I did it but I’m struggling because he still is doing the covert narcissist behaviors.
Everything is a competition. He hasn’t taken any accountability, plays victim- it’s my fault or "marriage problems".
His main modes of manipulation are pretending it’s 50/50 with parenting but the reality is I have them most of the time. It’s also that if I bring it up it will end up back in court or a fight where his main concern is his ego and how "he looks" not what the best interest of the kids is. Also it’s all about his pocketbook, his wants. I am paying waaay more in child rearing costs. Spending more time, effort, appointments, activities.
I love my kids. It’s never a chore but I get 0 recognition and a 50/50 court order slapped in my face if I ask for anything.
I don’t need "you should or go to your lawyer"
type advice I don’t have the finances or emotional bandwidth to do that.
Just anyone who has been in this position tell me it’s not all in vain. Tell me doing the best for my kids even if it placates my ex is the right thing to do.
NoThanksForTheMemories ( member #83278) posted at 10:37 PM on Monday, December 8th, 2025
"What's best for the kids" isn't so easy to define or to know. I asked my daughter's therapist a similar question to yours - is it better for her (and her relationship with her dad) to swallow my feelings? The therapist said that if my internal repression is affecting my relationship with my daughter, then no, it's not what's best for her.
Obviously this is the opinion of one therapist, but I think it raises the question of what do we mean when we say something is good for our kids? What is placating your ex doing to your ability to be present, honest, and engaged around your kids? You say he is holding you hostage by threatening to take more custody. Your kids are old enough to negotiate their own custody arrangements. How would they feel if they knew how you really felt and what your ex is really doing?
In the end, I think you are taking the best care of your kids that you're able to do. You love them, and your intentions are good, and that's as much as we can ask of any parent.
WS had a 3 yr EA+PA from 2020-2022, and an EA 10 years ago (different AP). Dday1 Nov 2022. Dday4 Sep 2023. False R for 2.5 months. 30 years together. Divorcing.
