SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

Im just looking for people's opinion.

Is it right for a wayward wife to say that I should be grateful that she stayed with me and didn’t go off with her affair partner.

It’s started off with me saying that she should be grateful that I decided to stay as a lot of people would leave when they have been cheated on.

Her response was that I should be grateful too, that she didn’t leave and go off with her ap.

That makes me mad her even thinking that she has the right to say that. I know she is right in what she says but it just doesn’t make me feel any better by her saying them words.

To make things worse, she also told me that it was the past. It happened, so get over it were her words.

To me it feels like she is pushing me into getting over it on her terms and within her time frame.

I know how you feel. My wife never said I should be grateful, but she does say "I chose you," or "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you" and that kind of stings. I know it's her thinking she's reassuring me, but it doesn't land quite the way I think she thinks it does. It's not out of anger or to deflect from my pain, tho. She's very careful about that with me. She tells me that she's grateful and thankful for the second chance. She says it very often, if not almost daily.

What your wife is saying to you wouldn't sit well with me at all. I'd point out that I'm not the one who did the betraying, set the marriage on fire, and if she doesn't want in this marriage anymore then just say the word. But that's me. After a month of humiliating myself by playing the pick me game I now have zero tolerance for any shit talking or anything less than 100% effort and gratitude. My wife knows divorce was on the table and she doesn't want that.

You recover at your pace and on your timetable. Not hers. She's the one who devastated the relationship. I've watched a ton of videos and read a ton of articles. There does come a time when you probably shouldn't continually beat a dead horse, but that's measured in years, not weeks or months. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. The rule of thumb is that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from it, and true reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress.

I'm sorry you're dealing with what appears to be a remorseless wayward spouse.

Friend, I just took a quick look at your post history and these are the titles of your threads here.

Am I Being Gaslit or Am I the Problem

Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Stuck with no support and feel manipulated...

Left to deal with things on my own when all I need is answers...

The mind games to don't allow you to move forward...

And then there's this current one. Have things not been going well since your d day? What has she been doing to make up for blowing up your marriage and make you feel safe?

Her response was that I should be grateful too, that she didn’t leave and go off with her ap.

That makes me mad her even thinking that she has the right to say that. I know she is right in what she says but it just doesn’t make me feel any better by her saying them words.

Number one, she has no right to say that. Not if she is anything close to remorseful. She can think it, and even that is bad, but to verbalize it shows a complete lack of respect for you. I heard the same thing that she chose me, and I shut that down quickly. She backtracked and I do think she was trying to say I was the one she always wanted but the way she said it was insulting.

I agree with Pogre. You are like a boxer always in retreat. The second you try to express your feeling she gives you a shot to the head and you back off. It’s been said here a million times that sometimes if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. This scenario keeps playing out, and will keep playing out until you put your foot down and tell her maybe you should go be with him and pack her bags. I’m saying this metaphorically, but until you punch back this will keep happening.

At three years you are still working through this. She may think it’s ancient history, but it is obviously still on your mind. She needs to understand that.

You have a choice. You can keep going the way you are going and she will always keep you on defense. Or you can stand up to her, demand respect. You run the risk of her walking, but really unless you like living like this what are you truly losing. Certainly not a happy marriage.

My guess is she will respect the backbone and will be the first to back down.

Did she suffer any consequences from her affair?

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 7:23 PM, Tuesday, June 9th]

Sorry. She doesn’t sound very remorseful. If that was a premise for R, she just let you know where that stands.