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Mine was on the verge of being caught and still lied. He would never of told me. There are still things not related to the last A that I still don't know.

I think my FWH would have taken it to the grave. His first affair went undetected for over 15 years. His getting caught the SECOND time is what prompted him to confess about the first one.

Otherwise, I probably would have never found out about it.

My H is a very unemotional man, keeping many things inside, including his LTA. Thinking that his secret life would follow him to his grave. He never thought I would find out. Once I did he admitted that he expected his A to simply die a natural death, and would never have to admit a thing. To date he never has volunteered anything, but he had provided only the most benign details, in an attempt to make be believe that his involvement wasn't a major factor of his life.

My WW was happy to tell me (about the PA anyway)...she was/is(?) unhappy in the marriage and tried to take the easy way out I guess. Now, she's realized what she threw away and says she wants it back. So, no my WW wouldn't take the PA to the grave...but, the EA for 2 months before the PA she would... if I wasn't a complete idiot and knew already.

[This message edited by Hurtnhumiliated at 8:26 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

Didn't read the whole thread yet...but my answer is:

My FWH was a drunk, and as he continued in his sad behavior, he would have eventually been caught no matter what.

The drinking, and having sex with whoever was available, was escalating out of control.

I am sure however, in his drunken stupidity the first and maybe second time he cheated on me, he thought what I didn't ever know wouldn't ever hurt me, so why not have some fun?

I guess I feel somewhat secure in knowing that if he chooses the same path, he'll trip himself up...and I'll know it.

My H told me that exact thing. He was never planning on confessing, I was never going to know. He'd ended everything 4 years prior to me finding out, so it could have happened if he hadn't been sloppy (out of stealth practice) around when she died. He fell apart and I started looking for the reason.

So much for his plans....

Oh course a WS thinks the BS will never find out, otherwise why bother hiding the A?

I believe that most of the time, the WS tells themselves that, but doesn't understand how the guilt will eat at them over time.

Some people would not feel any guilt (I believe both xOW are like that). But others might think they can hide a secret like that, and it makes sense while they are in the drug of the A. But out of the influence of the drug, they actually look at the BS and feel guilty and distance b/c they have to hold themselves back in case they say too much. So often, that's why another A happened (I believe this was partially the case w/ WH). They feel so badly and can't go to the BS to fix it, so they begin another inappropriate relationship. Before they know it, it's an A. And the fix/guilt/fix cycle starts all over again.

My WH also is among the majority of cheaters who would have taken it to the grave. He too thought if he hung in there, she would move on and let him go. Well, I guess she did, but decided it was time to "share" their nasty secret with me! Even then, it took time before he admitted to the 2 other ons, and his ex wife!!!! I honestly don't believe I could have a secret like that and maintain a normal relationship. That makes it harder to trust, because we see how EASY they deceive and lie, so how do we know when we are being betrayed again? This SUCKS

My exhus step father told him he should've taken(the affairs) it to his grave. WTH!! He's an elder at their church.

At times I wished he would'nt have told me, bc a lot of the times it was to ease his conscious.

My WH told me! He said the ability to compartmentalize began to diminish and the guilt started eating at him. Partly because we were starting to try to start a family (his idea!). Glad he told me, but it took his ass 2.5 years of deceit to get there.

My fwh confessed about 2 months after it happened. He said the guilt was too much.

I doubt that mine would, in fact, he still hasn't really come clean.

From the moment I confronted him with "evidence", he began to lie. The only bits of truths I have gotten from him have been forced by my getting some truth independantly from his whore.

I have asked for a full and honest account from start to finish in his own words but I have not gotten it and I doubt that I ever I will.

My WH not only told me he would have taken it to the grave but also that he and SOW promised and vowed to each other that "they" would take it to the grave. SOW felt really betrayed when he finally got caught and told "their" secret to me!

[This message edited by missymouse at 10:00 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

I Think he would not have told me but he had no choice he didn't use a condom so he passed on an std. What kind of person does that to someone they are supposed to love?

My H would have taken it to the grave with him. No way on this earth would he have admitted if I hadn't found out. He still denies things yet and we both know that much more happened than I know about. I know for a fact that there has been more and if I don't find out by myself then he will never tell me.

This is a major setback in our R and its why I can't forgive him.

I caught her, and at the time she said she was not thinking of ever telling me. She and I have been close for over 30 years, and if she retained the core of the person she once was, I think she would have told me eventually.

Without. A. Doubt.

AJ's MOM

My husband finally admitted last night that he wouldn't have ever told me because he was convinced that as soon as I found out that the marriage would be over, and he didn't want that.

My H kept secret his 2-3 time (I think) non-attached A for six years because he must have desired to remain married and avoid hassle. Then he had an exit ONS and told me about all of them because 1)it hurt more that way or 2)to make sure I would kick him out so that he could 3)freely pursue his on-going infatuation EA/PA.

EX WW never told me anything really. However, the she could only keep it from her friends for 3 months.

She had to proudly tell them how she was screwing her boss.

Whatever! Glad to be rid of her!