This Topic is Archived
sunnydaysahead? (original poster new member #19449) posted at 4:01 AM on Friday, May 9th, 2008
Hi everyone,
It is taking me alot of courage to look for support from others who are/have been in my shoes.Lately it seems harder and harder to talk about b/c I am embarassed by what I have done,but I know in order for me to work on my marriage I have to work on myself first.Right?Just where to begin is the big question....
me-ws-34 years old
him-bs-32 years old
dd-03/30/2008
Hurtnstill ( member #12079) posted at 4:51 AM on Friday, May 9th, 2008
Welcome, No judgement here. Just continue to read and post. We're all in this together.
FBS-Me 70
FWW-67
M-49 years
Reconciled-41 years
Reconciled for 41 years
The more I get to know some people, the more I like my dog.
FallenSaynte ( member #14284) posted at 5:27 AM on Friday, May 9th, 2008
Welcome.
The best place to start is to be honest with yourself. And just when you think you have been honest with yourself you will probably find that you really weren't and you will find more truth buried under those half truths. Its a long road and its one worth taking.
The FWS of the amazing 17yearsrocked
what_a_mess ( member #14445) posted at 1:32 PM on Friday, May 9th, 2008
Welcome to SI sunnydaysahead?
Does your BS know about the A?
I hope you find the support and answers that help you and yours heal.
FWS(Me)-33; FBS(Him)-32
D-Day 4/25/07
Together 14years; Married 8
DD 4yrs old; DS 1 yr old
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones
Listeningclosely ( member #16472) posted at 2:14 PM on Friday, May 9th, 2008
Welcome sunnydaysahead.
wam had the best first question for you. Does your BS know about the A?
Beyond that, there is a good deal of reading available that can help you start to sort out the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. Click on the Library link (in the menu on the left side) and you will find some great resources to help you get started.
You may want to invest in some of the better books that can help in healing. We used "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends", but there are many other titles folks here have suggested that are well worth a read.
Stop by marriagebuilders.com and pull down their Emotional Needs Questionnaire. It is a fantastic tool to help you refocus on what each partner needs in the relationship and where to focus on making actions that reflect love in their eyes.
And most important of all - post here as things pop into your head. It doesn't have to be perfectly worded or comprehensive. Just say what's on your mind, and you will find this great community of folks ready and willing to help you through this.
BW(her)- 57, FWH (me) 59. 4 month Online EA, M 32 years, together for 36. 3 Daughters and 1 Son - 32, 29, 25 and 24. D-day 6/2/07, in R. FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!". Action expresses priorities." - Mohandas Gandhi
Fallen ( member #4313) posted at 2:35 AM on Saturday, May 10th, 2008
Hi again, sunny.
There's a really great FAQ for WSes in the healing library. Besides all the other reading material, it's a good place to start to see that you're not alone- that all of the WSes here experienced feelings and thoughts very similar to yours.
You can get through this.
You can't heal what you won't feel.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
beach ( member #7533) posted at 3:28 AM on Saturday, May 10th, 2008
welcome sunny!
I remember, I was scared to post for the first time too!!
You can get through this. Keep posting.
If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.
sunnydaysahead? (original poster new member #19449) posted at 3:45 AM on Saturday, May 10th, 2008
Thank you everyone.
Been a VERY long day but I think I have made some progress.I have taken my BS advice and am going to do the no contact letter.I have also changed my cell number(did that a while ago)but one step at a time.
me-ws-34 years old
him-bs-32 years old
dd-03/30/2008
sunnydaysahead? (original poster new member #19449) posted at 3:48 AM on Saturday, May 10th, 2008
re what-a-mess
Yes my BS does know the OM but not very well,we live in a smaller town and everyone seems to know everyone.I have come clean with him ans even though I have shed a lot of tears boy do I feel better!
me-ws-34 years old
him-bs-32 years old
dd-03/30/2008
OnlyLonely ( member #14326) posted at 3:25 PM on Sunday, June 1st, 2008
Welcome, please keep posting. right now is a very confusing time and you can trust the fellow WS's here.
Please share more of your story with them.
Your BH is over in JFO and really really wants them to help you as much as they can.
Again welcome, You have come to the right place on the bumpy road to recovery.
Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years
Status: In R
floridaredman ( member #15122) posted at 5:50 PM on Sunday, June 1st, 2008
Welcome to SI sunnydaysahead?
You are in a good place if you are truly looking to mend your ways. I would recommend reading a lot of the articles in the healing library. There is excellent advice in there to help you get through this difficult time.There are a lot of good people here that will help you. The healing library is in the yellow box to the left. Good luck!!
" floridaredman, it's good to have you here"...DeeplyScared
Sleep Peacefully
Listeningclosely ( member #16472) posted at 8:07 PM on Sunday, June 1st, 2008
Sunnydaysahead -
Just wanted to build on OnlyLonely's point. The more you can share with us about your experience, the more the folks here can pass on what they have been through in your situation.
How long have you been NC with the OP? What steps are you taking right now to help your BS through their pain and frustration? What are you finding the most challenging?
Just looking for a little more insight.
BW(her)- 57, FWH (me) 59. 4 month Online EA, M 32 years, together for 36. 3 Daughters and 1 Son - 32, 29, 25 and 24. D-day 6/2/07, in R. FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!". Action expresses priorities." - Mohandas Gandhi
sunnydaysahead? (original poster new member #19449) posted at 4:31 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
Hi again, havent been on in a while b/c I was feeling still a little uncomfortable about it,I have been trying to do everything to save my marriage.
I will give my whoole story here....
Back in late Feb I starting hanging out with the OM,not all the time just once in a while well, {LOOKING BACK}I now realize that I was having a EA with him.I didnt even realize at the time.Ended up going on a weekend trip with him which I now feel I was pressured into going,I did the deed.My BS was trying to get a hold of me and I told where I was and with who.Not pretty when I came back to the house.Divorce papers waiting for me on my birthday,awesome.
NEXT PHASE....
I moved back into the house right after this all happened,and started to work on our marriage.I thought I was doing everything possible to show BS how much I love him.I am truly regretful of what I did to him and our marriage,it was perfect.
THE THINGS I DID
changed my phone number,have done ALOT of reaing thank you for showing me the healing library,home right after work,no contact with OM,wrote the NC letter,took the mail key,and what ever else he asked me too.I twas very hard and I felt submissive to him,but whatever it took.He is a emotional roller coaster taking me with him and at one monent I lost track of the final goal.He asked for my cell phone records and I refused I had nothing to hide as I had not been in contact with OM since we were trying to fix things.On numberous occasions BS asked me to leave house ,I would but then call me back a couple of hours later.It has been very hard for me to keep up my self esteem as it has been beaten down so many times(I know that sometimes he says knee jerk things i under stand that)
FAST FORWARD TO NOW.
I decided to show BS the cell records and he flipped out.There is now a restraining order against me,I cant even get into my own house!!Now I have to go to court next week for assault charges. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SCARED IN MY LIFE.I dont want to go to jail.
I have now moved in with my mom,which sucks b/c it is so issolated,no cell service, no computer,but I am hoping in the long run it will be better for me ....
This is the tip of the iceberg,but even after all of this I still love my husband more than anything and still want him back....
me-ws-34 years old
him-bs-32 years old
dd-03/30/2008
HippyGirl ( member #10966) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
He asked for my cell phone records and I refused I had nothing to hide as I had not been in contact with OM since we were trying to fix things
Okay, something isn't adding up. If there was nothing to hide on the cell phone bills, why did you refuse to show them to him the first time he asked? I welcomed every chance to prove my veracity and commitment to my M and R.
And, if there was nothing to see on them, why did he "flip out" when you finally did show them to him?
You can't fix what you aren't willing to look at honestly. Something just doesn't add up here. What was on those cell phone bills?
"My religion is simple. My religion is kindness." Dalai Lama
sunnydaysahead? (original poster new member #19449) posted at 4:44 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
RE listening closely
I have benn in no contact with OM since April.He has not tried to contact me through phone or work.Until last week when my BS asked me to leave AGAIN and said it was over in some choice words,I called him then realized I was wrong and said to him I am sorry I made contact and hung up.He called me the next day at work to see if I was ok 1 b/c I hung up on him and 2 he heard that my BS was rifling through my truck at work.OM tried calling me again but I didnot answer or respond.I still want to work on my marriage....
me-ws-34 years old
him-bs-32 years old
dd-03/30/2008
sunnydaysahead? (original poster new member #19449) posted at 4:50 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
re Hippy Girl
Good question,I am at work and hard to go into totally details.I was off on the exact I told BS I was last in contact with him.I was pretty emotional and couldnt remember, then I told him I had talked to him that day.I had been in NC for 2 monthes
until last wed. and none since then.I also think he was reading the bills wrongs b/c they are a month behind but I am speculating on that.OH, then he called OM.
me-ws-34 years old
him-bs-32 years old
dd-03/30/2008
HippyGirl ( member #10966) posted at 4:55 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
Okay, that answers my questions some...
Did you confess to your BH that you broke NC?
[This message edited by HippyGirl at 10:56 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]
"My religion is simple. My religion is kindness." Dalai Lama
HippyGirl ( member #10966) posted at 4:57 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
Did XOM tell your BH the truth about what happened between you? Is that what precipitated the "flipping out"?
"My religion is simple. My religion is kindness." Dalai Lama
dtracey810 ( member #19608) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
Inappropriate post for this forum.
[This message edited by kdny at 5:45 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]
BS (me) 46
WS 50
Married: 3 years in July and there won't be a FOURTH!
D-Day #1: 4/08 - 6-7 month EA/PA with co-worker
D-Day #2: 8/9/08 ANOTHER co-worker
Papers filed: 8/20/08
Put a fork in it....it's DONE!!
sunnydaysahead? (original poster new member #19449) posted at 11:26 PM on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
OUCH!!! But very true.
At the time I fell back on on being selfish, I was pissed off b/c in the past week he asked me to move out,then called me back twice.I know its no excuse and wish I could talk to him but I have a NC order on me right now.Do all of the WS have this magical 'loss of memory'?
In some defence to that a persons emotions are all over the board and yes I admit to blocking shit out.Hate myself for the things I did and want to forget
me-ws-34 years old
him-bs-32 years old
dd-03/30/2008
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