SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm going to try to post here again.

Bear with me while I ramble to get it all out.

I haven't been able to do much of anything lately.

I'll answer y'alls PMs as I can.

I can only do a couple at a time before I break down totally.

I need help with my new issues and I no longer know right from wrong anymore.

Y'all now my D has been going on for 2 yrs now.

It's been hell.I've been eager to get it over and done with so I can move on with my life.

It was supposed to be final this month but since losing Niki I'm overwhelmed with grief.

I can't think straight anymore.I no longer know what will be good for me now or in the long run.

In many ways I no longer care about it or anything else.

I've let stbx back in the house for awhile so he could be here for our son.

I grieved with him also to a certain extent but feel like he isn't really there for me.

It hurts to know that he's still in contact w/ the main OW.

I asked him a couple weeks ago to not go to them w/ his grief over Niki.

He didn't like that but said he wouldn't.

I have no way of knowing if he'll keep his word or not.His lips were moving and we all know what that means.

He went back on the truck May 1st and was back here May 3rd.

I looked in his secret squirrel phone that night and found T&A pics from OW that she'd sent him on May 2nd.

That hurt.

We've been getting along fairly well since losing Niki and I've tried twice to ask him questions about us and what happened etc.

Both times he got angry and defensive.

I told him that he has OW to go to for emotional support and I have no one.That he gets back on the truck and he goes back to his life,I'm still here by myself just with our son now.I told him that I'm so lonely and have never been lonelier in my life and that I've lost so much in the last few years.

My husband, my M, and now my daughter.

He told me that I don't know what lonely is and that he resents the time I had with the kids.

I don't think it's fair to compare being a lover to being a parent.

Also, 2 yrs ago he spent almost every wknd down in Waxahachie at the skanks house telling me "the trucks in the shop" when he could've rode his motorcycle up here to see us.That's time he could've spent w/me and the kids and he chose not to.

I hope that eats on him inside like a cancer.

Another issue I have is that we've postponed the D for insurance reasons.

I need to have a couple things taken care of.

It hurts that that's the only reason.

HELP ME

I'm still stuck where I've been for 2 yrs and now I'm over my head in grief over Niki.

It's too much, I can't cope.

Counseling isn't working.

AD's aren't working.

Trying to keep busy isn't working.

Nothing is working.

HB I lost both my parent tin the past three years, my Mum before I found out about the A (but it took place while she was dying), my Dadabout 6 months after finding out.

The grief I feel at losing both parents along with the grief of discovering the affair and the bullshit that came after (all his lies etc), leave me reeling some days.

I cannot begin to imagine how bad it must be to lose a child in the midst of all this and my heart goes out to you.

I know that it is important that you take the time to mourn your daughter and I think in order to allow the griving process, you need to be kind to yourself AND you need others to be kind to you.

Is there a support network for griving parents locally?

I can understand anti d's not working, you have suffered so much loss and you are experiencing so much hurt and pain, all of it natural under the circumstances.

What you need more than anything right now is time, time to grieve your daughter, the rest of the stuff can wait.

I'm so sorry that you have lost so much. Is there someone you can ask to come over and help you? Is there someone from SI that would come over and help?

I've been thinking of you. ***HUGS***

It's hard to search for what to say, just being honest.

Grief kind of rips the bottom out of everything you have, had or will have while you are in it.

I would look for a real life support group to help with the grief - you probably got literature at some point, but dont' remember what you did with it.

I would not even bother with STBX - while it'd be nice if he'd man up, it seems very unlikely, which seems harsh, but I don't know what else to say about that.

I'm sorry :(

((((HB))))

You have suffered an unimaginable loss, it will take time to heal. Please be patient with yourself- you can only get through this in little steps.

I'm sorry your STBX isn't helping you in your grief- this is just not fair.

Big hugs to you ((((HB))))

tw

Grief group isn't helping either.

Here I am, another sleepless night.

Starting to lose weight and my hair again.

My face is aging daily.

And I wouldn't give a damn about any of it if I could have her back.

He said he had a rough night last night. That it was sinking in that she was gone forever.

DUHHHH MoFo!

Another issue I forgot to add was that I can't even grieve with him as a parent because of all the D stuff and distance between us.

He hasn't really been much of a parent since he started cheating on me.

It's like his priority is still himself.

I can't help but think that if losing our daughter won't change him, nothing will.

And that's pathetic.

For him to be so selfish.

(((((HB))))

I don't read here much and was not aware of the loss of your daughter. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

I don't even know what to say about STBX. I know it's hard not to seek comfort from him, but it seems he's adding insult to injury.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((((((HB)))))))))))

It will be 4 years ago this sunday (mothers day) since my best friends baby was buried. I remember the pain SO CLEARLY. It is a meaningless bottomless pit.

I dont know how to help, there is no advice that can make an ounce of difference... just maybe do whatever you have to take the pain away for a bit. What ever that is, if having WS there helps, do it. More anti-D's, perhaps go away for a while? I dont know Sweetie but we are here for you.

My heart is breaking for you

And you are right, if losing your babygirl doesnt change him, NOTHING EVER WILL.

(((((((HB)))))))))

[This message edited by sammie at 5:24 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

double post

[This message edited by sammie at 5:16 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

I wish I had words or a hug to comfort you. It is pointless to sit here and write that I know how you feel, because I don't. But I do care - I care about your well being, your health, you and your son.

When my WH and I moved to the house we are in now (18 months ago) there were 6 state troopers at a neighbors house. It turns out their 5 year old son drowned in their pool that Labor Day. I felt for this mother that I hadn't even met yet. It took the joy out of the day. One week later I saw this woman stand at the bus stop with her little daughter. Since then, everyday I see this woman at the bus stop with her daughter and wonder "How does she do it - how can anyone be that strong". I don't know the answer, I just know it can be done. Last weekend the neighbors were even in the back yard opening the pool.

So please hang in there - your son needs you, the future needs you and please remember no matter how hard this is (which again I coulnd not imagine and will not pretend to) God only gives us what we can handle.

My prayers are with you and your son. Your daughter is in good hands.

((((HB))))

I am so sorry. I have no wisdom, only prayers.

It's astonishing how selfish he is.

It's like his priority is still himself.

I can't help but think that if losing our daughter won't change him, nothing will.

And that's pathetic.

For him to be so selfish.

That pretty much sums it up.

I'v never lost a child - I only know people who have so I don't want to say it will get better or I know it feels.

the only thing I have to offer is this.

When my life really sucks and I am in a lot of pain, I focus on the "next right thing" - whatever that is - it might be brushing your teeth, washing the dishes, going to work - whaterver, pick one and do it.

Enough of the "right things" will get you through the day and into the next day. The days will pile up and then eventually you can turn around, look at the "stuff" and see who far you've come.

My words feel so empty - sorry :(

(((((HB)))))

I wish I had the words that would help you see the meaning behind all this, but like smoke I had to really search for the words.

You have so much going on in your life right now. You need to deal with each piece individually. First allow yourself to mourn for you beautiful Niki. That is a grief that I cannot imagine. The support group may not be helping now, but give it a chance.

Your STBXH is not going to man up and be there for you now. He is too into himself. He is a selfish ass and is not going to change.

Your D can wait a bit longer. I know you want it over with, but right now you need to take care of you and your son.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

((((HB)))))

(((hb)))

Having lost a sibling and both parents, I know dealing with death is difficult. However, I could never imagine the difficulty involved with losing a child. I just can't, so any words to you on that would be inadequate.

I do, however, recall what my mother went through when she lost my sister. She was in many ways, forever changed. Her grieving took years, HB, and with each year, yes - things got a little better for her.

It appears from your post that your husband isn't going to change his ways. I'm sorry for you about that, but given everything else that is on your plate right now - and allow yourself to realize it is a lot - you must focus on your own healing.

You are trying to "fix" everything right now, and the truth is, you simply can't. You can only focus on one thing at a time, and for the sake of you are your DS, that has to be you.

Try not to put things on a timeline. Things will fall in place the way they should, in due time. The added pressure you are putting on yourself isn't fair to you.

Be fair to yourself. Anyone in your shoes would be overwhelmed with grief. Anyone.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting here so that all of us who care about you can help you.

I wish you peace, HB.

AJ's MOM

((HB))

I wish I could find the words to help you but I am at a loss. I can only imagine how bad your pain must be.

To be honest I think you really have to forget about STBX and focus on you and your son. You need all your energy to get yourself through this. Don't waste it on him. He doesn't sound as if he is going to change and I would hate to see you be let down by him even more.

Try to take it an hour at a time. Don't think further than that hour and when its up think about the next one. Try to fill your time even if it is just cleaning, taking a bath, going for a walk, cooking - anything to pass an hour. Post here. There's always someone around to talk to.

I'm sorry I can't help you more. I wish there was something else we could do for you

((((((HB))))))

Oh, honey. I don't know what else to say. Everyone has said it all. AJsmom is right, though. You need to let go of the idea of trying to fix anything or be on a timeline and just grieve the loss of Niki right now. The other stuff can wait - as long as necessary.

I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to you at this time. The pain must be absolutely unimaginable for any human to bear.

Oh Heartless--Im so, so, so sorry for your pain. And yes, any words Im reaching for seem inadequate. I want to reach out and HUG you.

One thing I do want to say is that the loss of a child, many times, will rip even the strongest marriage apart. Because the grief is so strong and each person grieves so differently. And since your M was already headed to D, its not surprising that these issues are happening. Of course he now 'resents' the time you spent with the kids...because he now realizes what he had and lost and he cant do anything to turn back the clock. And all he can do is 'resent' the person who had what he really needed.

Who do you have to go to for your emotional support? Do you have close family/friends nearby? We just lost my nephew (to suicide) 2 months ago and they say that the 6 months milestone will be particluarly hard. And while I hate to tell you that, that it may get worse before it gets better, I want to prepare you. Now is the time to set up a support system to help you in the coming months.

Im going to PM you my SILs info. Please reach out to her, she is working feverishly hard to understand and have peace with the loss of her own child. She is publicly posting about her path to healing and understanding. And while the circumstances are different, the bottom line is that youve both lost a beloved child. And my heart breaks for you, for her and for all parents who are dealing with this. Please keep posting. We will help you find a way thru this. Huge hugs.

HB,

No one can understand the depths of your pain other than those that have experienced it themselves. Give the support group time to help you.

As for him, well, the initial shock is over, and he is not interested in changing. Stop letting him stay at the house, that is part of what is causing you so much pain. You are reliving the pain of JFO each time you look at his phone or check up on him, and this on top of your grief for your beautiful little girl.

You need someone you can rely on, and it will never be him. You said it yourself...

I can't help but think that if losing our daughter won't change him, nothing will.

Nothing is sacred to him. This will never change.

Turn the D stuff over to the lawyer and let him/her sort it out. Right now you need to focus on doing what YOU need.

Go to IC everyday if you need to. Go to the support group whenever you can. And get him out of your life. Your attitude changed dramatically the last time you got him out, he is poisoning your home with his lies and cheating.

I wish so much that this could be real...

(((((((((((((HB))))))))))))))