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He had an 18 month EA that was physical the last 3 months to the point of 3 BJ's when our last child was 3 weeks old. I found out about the physical part almost 6 months ago and the full story 4 months ago. We are committed to R. Our m/c says I can't let myself explode with rage when I think about the horrible thing and get into hate mode. That if I call him names and tell him how much I hate him (try to say hate what he did but doesn't always come out that way) I just hurt him and she thinks he's fragile and he may get to a point where he can't take it. I try and try to keep it in (no one else at all knows) but probably once or twice a week I break. I try not to call him names but sometimes they slip out. (they are in my head 25% of the time.) I think he deserves everything I say - he should take it. Sometimes he does, sometimes he retreats, sometimes he explodes back. He keeps telling me I am driving a wedge between us when I say the "hate" things but I tell him he put the wedge there in the first place. Yes I would love to not feel the hate anymore - I have read everything I can but just not to forgiveness yet. The m/c says it hasn't been long enough and I need more time. I am sick of waiting! Do I have to focus more on keeping it all in? She said I should cry and he'll know what I'm going thru but not to rage. I can't seem to do that. It would be better to somehow get rid of the hate but I can't seem to do that either. Advice?

I'm assuming your dday was recent, as your sign up date is in April...

in the beginning it can be hard, so so hard to contain the rage you feel. it will take time to get that under control, and learn to communicate (listening and talking) in a healthy way.

in a perfect world BS's would be able to productively get their anger out and communicate their pain without harsh words..... but that's just not realistic most of the time. emotions are raw right now.

healthy communication is essential for R, and it can take a bit ( on both sides ) to get there.

maybe you can find some ways to get some of that rage out? punching bag, journaling, exercise...... it needs to be released, as keeping it in will only cause resentments.

I too would explode with rage...used terms that would make a sailor blush, and that is SO not me.

Perhaps IC would be good for you if your H doesn't have the strength to accept the consequences of HIS actions. Personally I would simply say that this has to play itself out. You HAVE to get that anger out and I KNOW that you feel much better after you've done it!

The anger will subside as you go through the various stages of grief for the marriage you thought you had. Read as much as you can about infidelity to try and understand. At this stage, I think you have to look after yourself and let the C look after him. It will get better with time... You'll NEVER be the same but you'll be stronger.

Grrrrrrrrrr!

She said I should cry and he'll know what I'm going thru but not to rage.

Tears are what we women have been brainwashed to use to express our anger for the last 1000 years or so...

BULLSHIT!!! I'd find myself another counselor ASAP! How DARE she tell YOU to substitute tears for your true emotion. She should be helping you find constructive ways of purging your rage!!! ASSHAT!!!

Tears are appropriate when you're feeling sad.

"FUCK YOU!" and fists are appropriate when you're angry.

That being said... you don't have to use your fists on your WH... that would be counter-productive (most men expect their wives to momma them when sick or injured - no need to create more work for yourself! )

I have this idea for a small business... it's called the Rage Cage... stock a small room, say 20' x 20', with dishes, glasses, anything glass... provide full protective gear to the client - goggles, gloves, padded body suit, face shield...

and for a dollar a minute, they can go in there and destroy the shit out of everything!

There's NOTHING as satisfying as sending dishware flying and having it explode. That shattering glass sound is sooooooooooo GOOD!!!

I think that you--all of you. You, your H, your mc--have to accept that it's just going to happen sometimes. The rage is going to boil over and you're not going to be in full control. It goes with the territory and it *is* part of the job description of a remorseful FWS to suck up a certain amount of it.

What I found helpful was to try to stop myself at those moments and try to identify what the rage was really about right then and put it into words that actually communicated *something*. If you have young children you've probably spent a fair amount of time reminding them to "use their words" to communicate what they're feeling instead of having a tantrum. It was almost like that for me.

In the end I found that "I'm feeling so furious I can't even articulate it about the fact that I was giving up career opportunities to stay home washing underwear and going to 50,000 Music Together classes so our lives would be structured so you could travel for work and you were using those trips to fuck someone else" to convey more than "you scum sucking piece of shit."