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I was at a conference yesterday with 150 managers/directors/vice presidents from my corporation. I sat at a table with a man who used to be vice president of my location but has recently moved to another of our locations. He has always been extremely professional with me and has been a great mentor and leader to me in the two years I have known him.

After the meeting, several of us went to the bar at the hotel to discuss the meeting and work in general. This man - I will call him Steve - sat near me. I had expressed to him several weeks ago via e-mail that I was frustrated with my job because of some new management (my new boss is sleeping with the married CEO of the company, allegedly, and I am not comfortable working for her) and that I was hoping to move to a different position within the organization. I had asked him for some advice on a new career path, and in what area he thought I would be a good fit.

So, he started a conversation with me ;ast night about if he could put me in any position, what position would I like. I ASSUMED WE WERE TALKING ABOUT WORK!!! I told him several areas of the company that interested me, and he just smiled. A short time later, he said goodbye to us all and left to go back to his room.

Moments later, I received a text from him that said "I think you misunderstood my question, but if you want to join me in my room for a drink, we can discuss it more..."

I responded "I don't think that's appropriate, Steve, and it's even offensive. Nevermind your help."

His response "Aw come on, I was kidding, though I wouldn't stop you if you gave me a lap dance."

I didn't respond at all, and I left the conference and drove home immediately (I hadn't planned to stay as it was).

WTF? Does NOBODY have boundaries? I am so disgusted because I REALLY respected this guy - who is married and old enough to be my father!!!

Just had to vent. I'm sickened the more I think about it.

Disgusting. Please tell me you're reporting him to the company immediately.

You know I hadn't even gotten to the point of thinking of reporting him - was too busy being disgusted. Thanks for reminding me.

My concern is that it appears now to be a rampant thing in this organization - heck, as I said, my boss is sleeping with the CEO (allegedly... but I have heard from MANY independent sources and I believe it!).

Maybe I need to report him AND find a new job. In the industry I am in, though, everyone knows everyone, and I would likely be blackballed.

Guess it's time to find a new industry...

(Edited for typos)

[This message edited by stroppy_wanadoo at 9:36 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

Except if they fire you for reporting sexual harassment, they're on the hook for unlawful retaliatory action. I don't know how that works with prospective employers, but frankly, if an organization would not hire me because I reported sexual harassment with hard evidence (i.e. text messages), I wouldn't feel comfortable working there anyway. Cold comfort, I know.

Good luck, stroppy. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Some people have NO boundaries!!

I am sorry you had that happen.

I have always felt that drinking and business could never mix.

how much did he have to drink?

I am not excusing his behavior (he was way out of line) but it has been my experience that a lot of people think that anything goes in places like that!

Ron

I would keep the message but not report him yet. He could wiggle his way out of it by stating that you were 'responding' to him in the bar.

I am no lawyer, but I do know that it takes more than one single act to claim sexual harrassment.

I would be more inclined to let the man know that you did not appreciate his comments and have a witness there with you, giving him notice.

Otherwise, keep the text msg for evidence if needed later.

JMO

Being proposition is an insult when the OP knows you are married. OP is making a judgment that you have no integrity, just like him.

Sad.

Ron - in response to your question - one drink. That was it. We were at the bar for about 20 minutes before he left. (ETA that we were there with a group of about 15 people - men and women - and the talk all centered around the information that had been presented earlier in the day... kind of a continuation of the brainstorming session in which we all had just participated.)

Meg - you know, I WAS the OW once a few years back - an EA with someone at work. And in February of this year - two years after it was said and done with NC in place - someone raised to our executives here that the former OM and I were actively having an A. It simply wasn't true, but I got a talking to by my boss... and OM received one from his. Though his boss and this guy are not the same person, this guy IS one of the executives. So this may be yet another example of how my formerly horrible judgement has come back to haunt me - and obviously label me as an easy hussy.

The whole thing is SICK, SICK, SICK. This just goes to show how an A can impact you for the rest of your life, long after you have rectified and addressed your behavior and reconciled with your spouse or significant other.

Will life ever be normal again? (Sorry for the self pity party... there is a small part of me that feels guilty that this happened even though I am DAMN SURE I didn't ask for it or send any signals... it really, truly had been ALL BUSINESS right up until that text.)

[This message edited by stroppy_wanadoo at 10:18 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

So this may be yet another example of how my formerly horrible judgement has come back to haunt me - and obviously label me as an easy hussy.

Now stop right there, girl - you are NOT responsible for this moron's pathetic behavior. Don't even go there. Don't do it! You did NOTHING wrong, you did NOTHING to encourage him...NOTHING! Don't take any responsibility for this, stroppy.

The guilt and shame of bad choices in the past will keep you in bondage if you let them. Resist the urge. I know, honey - I've been there, many times.

(((((stroppy)))))

This just goes to show how an A can impact you for the rest of your life, long after you have rectified and addressed your behavior and reconciled with your spouse or significant other.

NO stroppy!!

you did nothing to cause this to happen NOTHING!

Yes you can blame yourself in your mind but it ain't true!

He was the one out of line and it would not matter if you were even currently in an A he had no right to proposition you with out you encouraging him in some manner (which you did not)

If you feel that he has not recieved the message to stop and never let it happen again you could tell him that you have saved the text message for evidence and I would bet he gets lost quick!!

Ron

(((stroppy)))

Make sure you are focusing on the positives here. You held to rock solid boundaries. You are repulsed by "Steve's" behavior.

You have walked very far away from any tendency you might have had as an OW. Take pride in that!

Thanks all for your words of encouragement. I'm feeling better as the day goes on, especially after reading listening's words...

Make sure you are focusing on the positives here. You held to rock solid boundaries. You are repulsed by "Steve's" behavior.

You know what? I did do that!

Now here's a question for you all... by the time I got home last night, everyone was asleep. Do I tell my husband about this? On one hand I think I should... on another, I don't want to give him any reason to think about me going to a bad place again... especially since I KNOW that I WON'T give in to these advances.

Stroppy, you did great.

Do I tell my husband about this? On one hand I think I should...

Yes, I think you should. You did nothing wrong. Your boundary is firm. ("boundary bitch" the term borrowed from 2bf's post.)

[This message edited by beach at 2:51 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

I am no lawyer, but I do know that it takes more than one single act to claim sexual harrassment.

I am a lawyer and I respectfully disagree. All it takes is ONE single act. Now they may say there's no evidenc eof a pattern that the organization knew about and encouraged by remaining silent, but you definitely have enough to report him to HR so they know what he's up to and can disclipine him accordingly. And if he does it again, to you or any other woman, it is certainly a pattern and they will have to fire him or severely disclipline him b/c if they let him keep working there without doing anything, they will definitely definitely be in huge trouble (and they know that). So take your cell phone to HR right now and show them the text messages. File a claim if you want. You have every right.

Also-- I understand what you mean stroppy about feeling like the office hussy b/c you had an A with a MM there. I was in the same boat and I started to realize that people who suspected (no one ever found out "for sure" but you know how those things go) would think I'm easy and I would do it with *any* guy, married or not, b/c I had done it with him. That is one of the hardest things to get over -- how I showed everyone what low self worth I had back then and ruined my reputation.

stroppy;

Yes tell your H!

this is the best way to let him know that you are committed to him.

a while ago my FWW had a guys address, phone number and birth date in her purse!

when I found it believe me there were some thoughts going through my mind that were not pretty!!!

it turns out that another gal that my FWW works with was asking for this information!

Now if my W would have told me about it up front I would only have had an issue because she should have not been passing on personal info about another person.

Instead of the issues of "what the H** is going on!

Tell him he is your best supporter!

Ron

This is definitely sexual harrassment. You should report the incident to your HR and then it is up to them to investigate. They cannot terminate you for reporting and most likely this guy has been a pig many times before.

OMG...this post makes me want to cry!!!

Sorry, but my WH goes to these conferences all the time. I know what happens, but he refuses to change jobs to avoid being in those situations. He was at one this week, just 60 miles from home and refused to drive back and forth everynight, even though that is what I told him I needed to feel safe.

THESE CONFERENCES ARE MY BIGGEST TRIGGERS...I HATE MY H'S JOB!!!

Somebody shoot me!

My personal opinion, as a BS - tell you H. You know, he may freak out at first, but eventually it's going to hit him when he reads those messages and sees what an AWESOME job you did of protecting your boundaries, that you did damn good, girl.

It will build trust, in the long run. MHO.

(((SW)))

Oh, sorry, I just realized that I was on the Wayward forum...please forgive my post!

Ok - you are all right. Tell my husband. And I will. There is evidence through my text message response to him that I clearly rebuffed him.

I did go down to HR this afternoon and talked to the one gal that I would consider myself "friends" with. Do you know what - she encouraged me NOT to file a report! "It won't get you anywhere but looked down on by management, you know, because of Steve's position."

WTF?!? I didn't listen and filed a complaint anyway.

I really do - and I mean it - need to look for a new job.

I'm tired, I'm exasperated, and I am going home to talk to my husband. This can only have a good ending because I am doing all the right things.

(((LostinSoCal)))

I am so sorry to have triggered you. I do want you to know that I go to these often, too, and this is the first experience I have had with this. It doesn't mean it always happens.

My prayers are with you for resolve and peace!