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I can't stress enough that black men are/were and OBSESSION with her.

I would say this not an obsession. It is a fetish. Just like some people get off on shoes or lingerie she gets off on Black men. Her issues go way deeper then infidelity. She needs professional help ASAP. I would demand for her to have I/C along with M/C.

I personally do not think cheating is about race, it is about something forbidden that the people are engaging in.

The point is there is no loyality or boundaries. Yes there are some myths about men of color. Big deal. Took me a long time to realize that A's can affect anyone.

Regardless of what you call it, fetish or whatever, can it go away?

Should I believe her?

It wont go away till she realizes she is broken and does the hard work required to fix herself.

That is a funny questions

OK, my ex-husband is white and I am Asian (but fair skin). I think part of reason we were together is because maybe EX thinks Asian girl are gentle, but actually I am not .

So OW is Asian too, but the moment when I found out affair EX lied to me saying she is white. I think my EX is really timid, must have been dumped by a few white girls before, thus taking easy road being with Asian girl.

The reality is - pls do realize, Asian women look like being gentel or weak, actually they (their mind) are very strong.

I think she said those things to make you feel insecure, and well it worked. She found something that you absolutely can not change, so therefore you can't achieve it. It is very cruel and unfair. I'm sorry she said those things. It is actually very racist of her to assume all white people are the same, and all black are the same.

I believe it is possible for her to be attracted specifically to black guys.

I did post something about this on your other thread.

Can she change???? Who knows??? But at this point she doesn't sound like she wants to change.

And I am not referring to color. I am addressing the infidelity. Because that is really what the problem is.

I know I have a penchant for dark haired, dark eyed men. My H is both of these. However, if he wasn't I would hope I would not use this as an excuse to cheat. You were good enough in the beginning and you still are!!! THERE IS NO EXCUSE!!!

This has nothing to do with you. You are not at fault for her choices.

You obviously cannot change the color of your skin. You are who you are. Nothing else and nothing different.

If she cannot give you the love, support and fidelity that you deserve then you need to move on and eventually find someone that will.

I am by no means saying the relationship is over. I am simply wanting you to see that you are worth more than this.

Dimple

Yes, I the race issue seems to be besides the point, is she in counseling to address why she has cheated?

[This message edited by Duwang-Jai at 7:28 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

I can't stress enough that black men are/were and OBSESSION with her. I'm serious when I say that if she met a black guy, she at least tried to sleep with him.

Her obsession sounds like a bi-polar manic phase. Her preference for black men has nothing to do with anything other than mental illness. She's not attracted to them more than white men, they're not better in bed, etc., she's manic and the irrationality of being manic has zeroed in on black men.

I think it's preference....and her being cruel to you at the same time. I see blameshifting and it's not fair to you in any way.

I am white (mostly Irish) and my H is spanish/Italian. It was the first racial relationship I had but I was attracted to all types of men, not just white as long as I can remember. My SIL (Spanish/Italian) lives with a balck man and says she would never date any man who was not black from now on, although her previous H was Latin.

Maybe your W's experience with black men was positive in the past A's and she's being honest about her preferences.

You need to set boundaries and consequences that you Will follow through with. Nothing to do with race.....but because you Deserve that! If she doesn't want to be faithful then throw her butt out, heal with time (and you Will), and go find yourself a sweet thing with morals.

You DESERVE better. You didn't do anything wrong and her comments are just hurtful and cruel. That's not a very nice person in my opinion. Not at all.

I dated a Native American man, and he admitted that he cheated on me because of my race (I'm mostly white; ironically my dad is half NA).

It's an issue with them, not us. Don't beat yourself up. If it wasn't skin color, it was going to be something else that she would have fixated on.

btw my post was edited by a mod about my father's friend and his perception of the black women he seeks. IN case there was any misunderstanding for anyone else. I wanted it to be absolutely clear my father's friend's feelings are not my own. These are his perceptions, his mucked up notions about race, and I was merely commenting on how common it is to sexualize race, and sexuality in ways that are racist and not respected. I thought from my post that would be absolutely clear that I was restating his feeling, his motivations, and how insidious they are but I guess not.

[This message edited by Syzy at 8:07 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]

I don't know if FWH's A had anything to do with race. OW was half black, half white. I know it is wrong, but I feel like I can't compete. FWH tells me that I am prettier than her, but the fact is I am as plain as they come for a white girl. I have brown hair, blue eyes, not too fat, not too thin. How can I compete against a perpetual tan and long thick curly hair?

I feel your pain and my FWH didn't even say anything to me as hurtful as your wife did. I would confront her on it.

Also, it doesn't matter your color, you can make sex what you want it to be. If she has a perception of Black men being a certain way in bed ask her what she likes and see if you can give her what she needs.

As others have said...the bottom line is that this is not your fault, it is her problem.

BSgmr

Well, I don't really care what she liked about them, in bed or otherwise. I'm not going to reward her for what she's done.

Sometimes having a preference for partners of other races is simply that, a preference.

However when a line is crossed it can become a fetish. Fetishism is racist because it sexualizes a person strictly based on their race.

I ask if your wife goes to counseling because I think that is the only way you are going to get to the bottom of what her motivations for cheating are.

Also, is she indicating TODAY that she would cheat with a black man if she had the opportunity?

or are you telling us that it is now a trigger for you to see her talking to a black man?

If you two are in R and working out issues, than the triggers are unfortunately part of the fall out. She made some bad choices and said some hurtful things. Believe me her comments are based more on her need to make you feel inadequate than anything that is probably true.

She married you and in that promised to love honor and respect. What she said and did is the total opposite of that. It's demeaning on so many levels. I can't even get into.

At the end of the day, it's about her own issues. Not yours.

I can't believe this. The WS will say anything to justify their A's.

IMO your wife has some issues to face. The fact that she is singling out a particular race is demeaning and racist. I'd call her on it. And then tell her your not interested in what she's going to do next time. And if she's really thinking about futute A's maybe you should ask yourself, "What kind of future do you want?"