SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone,

Once again, I just want to thank everyone for being honest and supportive to each other while we try to get through this healing process. I wanted to get your opinion about my new therapist. I started seeing someone again because I'm finding I still have a lot of anger and resentment built up and it would be counter productive constantly spewing it to my FWH. Anyway, she told me I was too demanding and if I continue the way I am, my FWH will cheat again. I strongly disagree with the statement because I wasn't demanding until this damn affair happened. As far as I am concerned FWH lost all trust and privacy privileges the moment he decided to betray me. I don't think my conditions under which we continue our marriage seems too far fetched: 1) if he does this to me again, we are through, i am not a doormat and will not be treated as such 2) i am to have access to all email accounts and have the right to question his whereabouts whenever I feel like it 3) he is not to have any further contact with OW and anyone related to her 4) he cannot go out and socialize with female friends without me 5) if he wants to join a sports team, it must be male only. I asked my husband if my demands were unjust, and if they were, then I'm gone, because there is no way I will continue in this marriage because these are what help me feel secure. He has told me all of my requests are fully justified and my therapist is wrong. My therapist's other theory was that I remind my FWH of his mother, and therefore was rebelling against his mother by cheating on me. I don't buy that either, considering I would like to think I am the antithesis of his mother. she is not a nice woman, and my husband has assured me I am not anything like his mother. I only met with this therapist once, but thought I would give her another try before I made any decisions to stay with her or not. Right now, I'm leaning toward no...Thanks for listening!

Is your therapist trained in infidelity?

Anyway, she told me I was too demanding and if I continue the way I am, my FWH will cheat again.

Not the brightest light in the harbor, now, is she?

BSs don't really "do" anything to "make" their WSs cheat. The choice to cheat (and it is a choice) comes from them alone.

That being said, the marital "atmosphere" or "climate" may make the choice easier. But BOTH of you have a say in how that climate is, right?

I call bullshit, but I do say that with the caveat that you both have a lot to do with the dynamics of your marriage, and what is truly important is that you both communicate and talk things out vs. letting things build up and someone becoming overwhelmingly resentful.

Cat

FWS here, I think your therapist is so wrong and is blame-shifting. It is up to you to decide what your husband must do to earn your trust back. It is up to you to decide whether you want to go on with this marriage now that he's destroyed it by cheating.

And if he does cheat again then you will know it is not meant to be. If he is remorseful and wants to make it work with you, he will give in to any reasonable request to help you heal. NONE of your requests sound too demanding or anything close. And even your husband agrees. Good for him. I would do anything necessary to restore my BF's faith in me and it sounds like your husband wants to do that too.

If I were you I would tell your counselor adios and get a new one as of yesterday. That is messed up!

No offense intended, but it's hearing these kind of nightmare experiences with IC and MC that keep me from seeing a counselor.

I don't have a degree in therapy, but the idea that we can "make" someone cheat on us seems like complete hogwash to me.

For what it's worth, I think that what you've asked of your husband is all perfectly reasonable--and so does he, right? Even therapists can be wrong sometimes.

My first IC said "Whatever it takes" for me to feel safe. My new IC hasn't gone that far, but such boundaries are still acceptable.

What a crackpot you have.

It is very hard when you go to a supposed professional and they tell you something that you think is completely wrong. I say get a second opinion. We all know there are good and bad, and really really bad therapists out there. i had a nightmare experience with one right after dday. Get a new therapist. they are supposed to help you and not be judgemental and harsh.

could the therapist be a WS?

It would be a terrible waste of time and money to go to that therapist even one more time. You already know what you need in order to stay married to him! You have already told him and he agrees with the conditions! What? Go back on that now and stop being "demanding?" The Therapist thinks that will CAUSE him to cheat? No, it won't. In fact I think the best chance he won't cheat is just what you are doing. It is still no guarantee, but laying down the law, and letting them know you are done if they do it again, is our best weapon they won't do it again.

If you really want a therapist, just find one who'll lend a shoulder and let you vent and who will sympathize and listen to you when you are hurting. You don't need any advice in how to handle your M. You are doing fine on your own.

I would walk out the door and never come back. Although I might leave her a review of "Not Just Friends" so she could LEARN a tiny bit about infidelity before she tries to "counsel" anyone else about it.

Crock o' shit.

I wish you the best in finding an IC who knows what the hell they're talking about concerning infidelity. We were lucky in finding both our MC and my IC who knew their stuff.

If they don't know what they're talking about, they can say all kinds of useless (and often actually destructive) bullshit.

Hit the Exit.

My therapist's other theory was that I remind my FWH of his mother, and therefore was rebelling against his mother by cheating on me.

Excuse me???

Time for a new therapist. Speaking as an FWW, you have EVERY right to check up on him, state your boundaries and whatever else it takes to feel safe.

I'm mixed on this.

I agree that she is way off base in the stuff about being too demanding. It is your complete right to put down the lines of what you need from your H and in your relationship in order to even *consider* R and all of your conditions seem eminently reasonable. And while I also agree that constant spewing of rage isn't particularly productive, I think it's part of the remorseful WS's job description to take quite a lot of anger from the BS and I'm glad your H supports you in that.

However, the mother stuff. She may be onto something really worth thinking about. Even if you are the antithesis of his mother, he might well have subconsciously created a dynamic where he is either reenacting rebellion against her in order to try to come out on top this time or acting out the rebellion he was never able to have. I know it sounds like textbook crackpot counselor-speak, but delving into issues like that in IC has helped us immeasurably.

By the way-I firmly believe that even if he is recreating the mother-child relationship, nothing you did made him cheat in the first place and nothing you do is going to make him cheat again. That's completely down to him.

Honey run and don't look back!

GET A NEW THERAPIST...THIS ONE IS TOXIC!!!!In fact, she doesn't have a clue!!

http://www.therapistlocator.net/SearchUS.asp

This is a link to therapists with AAMFT training.

Not a guarantee by any means but it does ensure that some qualifications in family life are there. We found our MC this way and she's great.

Run - don't walk to a new MC - !!!

Good luck