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I kind of have do disagree with floridaredman. I mean people have A's with co-workers or neighbours, and they can't up and quit their job, or up and move.

Just because they see the AP does no mean they are not in NC. Seeing or working with the AP does not mean someone is going to intentionally contact them. If your not going out of your way to talk, or see the AP, then you are mantaining NC.

NC means do not contact the person what so ever. This is just my opinion.

NC is an absolute.

Flredman is correct. If you see OW on a regular basis, then you are most certainly not NC. She knows you are there, you know she is there...you are making contact whether you want to believe it or not. After all, I'm sure it wasn't her sparkling personality that made you jump in the sack with her.

It will get easier when she's not there to remind you...cold turkey.

I kind of have do disagree with floridaredman. I mean people have A's with co-workers or neighbours, and they can't up and quit their job, or up and move.

Just because they see the AP does no mean they are not in NC. Seeing or working with the AP does not mean someone is going to intentionally contact them. If your not going out of your way to talk, or see the AP, then you are mantaining NC.

NC means do not contact the person what so ever. This is just my opinion.

It is ok to disagree with me CookiesAZ,

I am not always correct, I believe absolute NC is essential for recovery. Yes I am aware that people can't just up and quit or move, but if they can or when the opportunity arrives..they should.

Do you realize how much of a slap to the face that is to your BS?

For the WS to be seeing the person they cheated on their BS with almost every day?

My job nor my home should come before my BS..that's my opinion.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 8:17 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Well I would view it as what are you prepared to risk for the marriage? Also every time he sees the OW it is going to stoke the feelings. If I saw the MOW it was hell on this earth. Heart pounding. A feeling like I touched a live electric line. He HAS to go NC and that includes not seeing her. This will speed his recovery. I totally agree with FRM about this from experience.

Bit of t/j...

I haven't noticed so many SI vets on one post before. This is really great stuff here.

Thanks all you old-timers.

And thanks distraught for brining up this subject.

Distraught, let me share a little bit of detail about my story.

EA #1 was with an ex. We had had a relationship that ended on ambivalent terms and we never really "got over each other." In around June or July of '07, while my BH and I were engaged to be married, he discovered inappropriate text messages between the OM and myself rhapsodizing about our former relationship and how we missed each other, we considered each other "unforgettable," etc. Now, obviously, there was nothing wrong with having those feelings---even as a remorseful WS I believe that to be true. I would suspect that a lot of people have fond memories about exes, especially if nothing specifically negative happened to cause the end of the relationship. BUT---I obviously should not have been engaged to be married if I wasn't over him, and even if I was actually over him and it was "foggy thinking" to romanticize the past, I should NEVER have been having that kind of dialogue with him while in a relationship with someone else.

My BH (then-betrayed fiance) and I ignored this huge red flag and got married. I was like you: mostly NC with the OM except for work-related issues (we were coworkers also). OM and I didn't talk more than a handful of times in over 3 years, and nothing of a really personal nature.

This past September, I had a profound experience that triggered unresolved feelings for the OM. I texted him, the EA was back on immediately, and within a matter of a week or two had become a PA that lasted for over 5 months, culminating in D-day of 3/6/10.

This could be interpreted several ways. In my fog during the affair, I believed I was in love with the OM. He certainly claimed to be in love with me. He claimed that he had never gotten over me, wished we'd had a second chance, maybe we'd have one now, etc. And I parroted these words right back. All things being equal, I believed that the OM and I had just as good a chance of having a happy relationship as I did with my BH.

However. In the excitement and fantasy of the affair, I overlooked so many character flaws in the OM that it's funny (in a sick way). First and foremost, he was willing to have an affair with a married woman. Obviously I'm no better---but what did that say about him? What did that say about how much he VALUES marriage, and commitment, and relationships, and honesty? There are a lot of other issues with him too, that I excused and glossed over and romanticized because I was too busy being excited that this POS "chose" me again. (Obviously I don't value myself very much if that was enough to get me to kill my marriage.)

Workplace affairs (and even dating in the workplace) are such a bad idea, IMHO, because it is so hard---especially in this day and age---to quit the job if things don't work out. Yes, I should have had the strength within myself to stay away from him. Yes, I was going to send the September text message whether both of us still worked there or not. But it made it much, MUCH easier to take things to the next level because it was so easy to see each other every day if we wanted to. I really believe that "out of sight, out of mind" is true to some extent. Daily contact (even the visual kind) keeps things alive. Ease of access makes it easier to choose the wrong decision. Seeing the OM kept my feelings cloudy toward my husband and my marriage, and I'd be willing to bet that it's doing the same to you.

The really fucked up thing in my case is that NOW I will have an ex-OM and an ex-husband at work with me! What a tangled web we weave.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 1:47 PM, March 12th (Friday)]

Distraught,

IMHO, you cannot get clarity until you are away from the OP. Even then, it is extremely hard. But seeing her every day is, like someone said, getting a little taste of the drug every day.

Do you REALLY know this other person? Have you seen her in the context of a real relationship, with all its ups and downs? Of course not. Even though you may think you know the "real her" from interacting at work, you only see the better parts during an A. Hence, the passion, the fantasy, the "soulmate."

It is really hard, and I am not trying to give you a hard time. Just a reality check.

Hold out at least until you relocate to the new office. Then give it a few months. THEN, see how you feel.

I've tried NC many times with my OW co-worker.

I believe NC can be accomplished even while working together (just my opinion). I think NC is a conscious decision to split yourself emotionally from the OP.

This time, I've notified HR due to additional issues with OW, and let my manager also know of the situation, so that there is little to no chance of having meetings or having work-related contact even.

I've tried NC many times with my OW co-worker.

HelpBLV,

The reason NC was broken many times was because you were in position to break contact, or she was.

How strong do you think a crackhead is around a kilo of crack?

[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:34 PM, March 12th (Friday)]