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IMO I'd send it.

You've tried everything to make your M work and your WW hasn't.

It may be time to move on.

You are NOT justifying the divorce.

What you are doing however is letting her know that you have given her chances and she blew them. IMO, this is a perfect letter.

(((Just Crushed))))

ETA:

If she DOES seem to 'come to her senses"...be prepared.

Make sure you have your plan lined up before you send this.

Are you done, no more chances, she blew it.....

Or are you doing this in the hopes that the threat of divorce will be the 2X4 she needs?

[This message edited by mybrokenroad at 9:27 AM, March 12th (Friday)]

First off, let me say how sorry I am for your pain, but so glad that you found this site. It was literally my life saver and I do not know where I would be mentally without it.

Your situation, as you probably know, is not really that unusual. Some of us do NOT get that truly remorseful spouse, the one that would do anything and everything to make it all up to us. The one that cares about how WE feel every moment of every day and is willing to move hills and mountains to make us whole again.

No, we get the nonremorseful one. The one that thinks that the mere fact that they are still physically here is healing enough for us. They think that 'they' are the ones that have to live with what they have done and never see or acknowledge the hurt, betrayal, and devastation that WE have been thru and are most likely still enduring.

Do I think you should give this letter to your WW? Yes, by all means. Even if she chooses NOT to acknowledge it, which I am guessing she may (the voice of experience here), at least YOU will feel as though you have done your part to make your feelings heard and clear. YOU did not do this to your marriage or your family; she did. She is the broken one; it was all her choice--and it sounds like she is still making that choice by her inability to go NC, the fact that she has still not started IC, that she is doing nothing to even beginning the healing process.

Now the hard part. What do YOU want? How long can you live in a marriage void of love or respect--even if you are doing it for your four children? It is tough, I know all too well. How much can YOU stand? Because I believe you know by now how it eats at you mentally and then physically until you are a shell of the person you once were and then you start to dislike YOURSELF for becoming that sort of person.

Truth be told, there is nothing you can really do to bring your WW around. It is all up to her and has been since she started the A; she is in control of her behavior and she decides what she wants to do. But, do you have to tolerate it? NO! Do you have to continue to wait around for HER to come around? NO! The key is the strength to walk away when you know YOU have done all you are willing to do, done all you can do.

Have YOU had IC? I am there now. My counselor, bless her heart, had also been thru a PA with an OC. She isn't great for the A discussions, pretty much sits there and says things such as 'I don't know how you do it; I don't know how you put up with that.' But, she is working on rebuilding ME, as she has been there herself and did a pretty good job at that. You need the strength to make the decision that it sounds like you want.

We cannot do that for you; we wouldn't do that to you. Only you can and from what I have heard, once you are okay with it in your heart and in your head, it is soo easy to move forward. But you should make a list of questions to ask yourself everyday to get to that point, if it helps. Such as:

-Is this a 'marriage'?

-Can I truly forgive her for what she has done, or at least accept it to the point that I could put it all behind someday?

-What do I deserve?

-Am I only here for financial reasons?

-Am I only here for the kids? And, if the answer is yes to this one and is your main reason for staying at this point, ask yourself this question. What sort of example am I setting for my children and their future relationships? How would I counsel THEM if they were going thru the same thing?

No matter what you decide to do, we will be here for you. We will support you thru thick and thin; we are family. And, if you decide it is time for you to D, then know that we will be behind you, holding you up. But, most of all, remember that if you do D, then you can walk away with a clear conscience, knowing that YOU did everything you could do to help repair the mess that WW made and that you were NEVER the one at fault for ANY of it.

Please take care.

I think its a fine letter, JC. stay strong

bigpicture3236.......that was an amazing post. Great advise and insight.

JC listen to her.

SourCherryDrops…As pippy says if the intention of the letter doesnt match whats being said in it then it could back fire.

The intention of the letter is that I am 90% done and these are my reasons. I can deal w/ D, but not living like this.

Aloneinthedark…Even if you don't give it to her, I hope it was healing for you to write it.

Yes, this was very healing for me and it has helped my focus my feelings...thank you.

Greeneyedlass…IMPO...these are the things you needed, these are the things she couldn't/wouldn't provide or do for you either and you have every right to choose not to stay in a marriage with someone who obviously doesn't want to be in it with you...why sentence yourself to that??

Agreed...thank you.

Mybrokenroad…If she DOES seem to 'come to her senses"...be prepared….

Or are you doing this in the hopes that the threat of divorce will be the 2X4 she needs?

Both, really. I can't/won't live with a person that still has feelings for OM and will not treat me w/ respect or help me heal. If the 2x4 helps her come to her senses, there may be a chance...there are not guarantees here. IDK if I could R even if she gave me everything on my list. All I know is I can't live like this.

bigpicture3236…Now the hard part. What do YOU want? How long can you live in a marriage void of love or respect--even if you are doing it for your four children? It is tough, I know all too well. How much can YOU stand? Because I believe you know by now how it eats at you mentally and then physically until you are a shell of the person you once were and then you start to dislike YOURSELF for becoming that sort of person.

Truth be told, there is nothing you can really do to bring your WW around. It is all up to her and has been since she started the A; she is in control of her behavior and she decides what she wants to do. But, do you have to tolerate it? NO! Do you have to continue to wait around for HER to come around? NO! The key is the strength to walk away when you know YOU have done all you are willing to do, done all you can do.

…But you should make a list of questions to ask yourself everyday to get to that point, if it helps. Such as:

-Is this a 'marriage'? No

-Can I truly forgive her for what she has done, or at least accept it to the point that I could put it all behind someday?

-What do I deserve? I deserve better

-Am I only here for financial reasons? No

-Am I only here for the kids? And, if the answer is yes to this one and is your main reason for staying at this point, ask yourself this question. What sort of example am I setting for my children and their future relationships? How would I counsel THEM if they were going thru the same thing?

BP...your response was so well written and I could tell it came from experience and wisdom. I looked at your reg date and # of posts and was confused. Then, I read your profile and it all made sense. You are in a similar spot and have been through all this pain for quite some time. I'm sorry for your pain as well.

I think I would have left a lot sooner if I did not have four children that mean the world to me. I had the "wonderful" experience of growing up in D'd household w/ an asshole drunken/abbusive step-dad. My "real" dad cheated on my mother. TBH...I think all this stings so much more b/c of my personal experiences with cheating and divorce. I don't mean to take away from anyone elses pain. I guess what I'm trying to say is pulling the D chord has been a very very hard decision.

how it eats at you mentally and then physically until you are a shell of the person you once were and then you start to dislike YOURSELF for becoming that sort of person.

This particular passage is exactly where I am...a shell of the person I once was *sigh*

I was in the shower today and felt a sense of peace I have not felt in awhile. I think I am very close to being able to deliver this message.

I know this was long. I want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone that responded. I picked out a few responses that struck a particular chord with me, however I appreciate ALL of your responses.

[This message edited by Just Crushed at 11:12 AM, March 12th (Friday)]

JC....Just my opinion....but

I dont think a BS should use Divorce as a tool. I think if the word and/or action of a Divorce comes into the picture, it like one of those things you can't take away.

I would tread very lightly on using this as a wake up call for her. Because if she does come back and cake eat....the threat of divorce as a consequence is now jaded and she may not believe it again.

I dont mean to confuse you...I just want you to know that this has happened before and i would hate for you to be in prolonged pain.

MBR...I appreciate your opinion. I laid this out on the forum to hear all opinions.

I understand what you are saying. This is why I've delayed delivering the message. I want to be sure I'm comfortable with my decision to D.

I'm at the point where I can't live in this M the way it is presently. So I would rather D than live like this. If the realization of D woke my WW out of the fog, then I would reasses the sitch.

I don't think I'm using it as a tool. More like, I'm choosing a healthy relationship and that will most likely be w/o my WW.

JC, I'm very sorry. Sending you hugs and prayers.

I too had an unremorseful WS then when I decided it was too late he by the grace of God seemed to defog!

I know how you felt reading those comments Sometimes I think the WS's "feelings" for the OP are actually harder than the PA stuff. Although that still stinks.

You have to do what YOU feel is best. I have never believed in D but when I told WH, I am done working on this M alone I think he may have finally realized that was how it was and I could not continue. The 180 made him see that yes, I would always love him but I could now move forward with or without him. It's about me/us now. Not just about him. I too wrote WH a 6 page letter then put it away. I'm glad I did. I then gave him a short note that said "either get on board with me or jump off so I can continue my ride forward"!

I think you've been on S.I. long enough to know your WS's A is NOT about love. My WH confessed last week that he must have been crazy, crazy, crazy to have even entertained the idea of leaving his family for such a pig. His words exactly. I was floored!

So you decided. If you still feel there's a chance that's great. But if not that's OK too. Do whatever gives you the most peace. Much luck to you in whatever decision you make.

Oh, someone once told me- we all end up doing things for our kids we never thought we'd ever have to do...

JC, I think your letter is really good. Just a word of warning, I wrote one similar to this, laying out all the lines in the sand that had been crossed over and over. It was a wake up call and WH seemed to really pay attention all of a sudden. He did not want homelife to change, he did not want to live without the kids (we also have 4), he made lots of promises and cried a lot and asked for another chance. I was so grateful that he'd turned around so quickly and I didn't have to actually go through with breaking up our family and hurting the kids, that I leaped back in. Within 6 weeks he was back in contact and back at it. Along came another dday.

My point being, if this does have the effect of breaking her fog, move cautiously. She needs to earn a place in your life again. With that said, I do not see this as using this as a tool or bargaining chip as was mentioned. I really do see it as you setting up a healthy boundary for what you will and will not accept. Good for you. I have similar FOO issues as you and it took a long time getting to the point where I was ready to put my kids through the nightmare I knew was ahead of them. I understand your struggle with this and just wanted to offer some support and strength. Good luck to you.

truly a thank you to all. I did send the letter. So far the result has been par for the course...ww not concerned about me, just concerned about kids scheduling for upcomming week.

My decision was sound. I see how much my ww "really" cares about me. So sad...but just time to move oh.

peace

jc

A great break-up letter and you were right to send it.

All you can do at this stage is exit stage left with as much dignity as you can muster. Your WW's seems committed to her new relationship and you could wait for years for her to emerge from the fog.

You deserve better than waiting around for her cake-eating to end; eroding your self-respect and your love for her turning to hate.

(((jc)))

The most telling statement in what you've shared is this:

So I would rather D than live like this.

There comes a point at which you realize that the certainty of remaining hurt and miserable in your current state trumps the uncertainty of a future following a D. You seem to have reached that point.

It's clear that remaining where you are is no longer an option for you. You were right to send the letter, and you are most certainly right to follow through on the process as well.

I wish I could offer suggestions in how to get your WW to wake up and see what she's doing. But one of the things I've learned the most since coming here is that not all FWS's are created equal. For some of us, the consequences of our actions were enough to snap us out of our fog and also to inspire us to work on the things within us that were so screwed up from the beginning. But some cannot find their way out of their fog even in the face of the consequences of their actions.

Do your best to take care of yourself (many of the suggestions in the 180 list are great ways to be strong whether in R, S or D). And take good care of that family of yours!