SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not excusing his behavior, BTW, putting it in context. It is still a blatant violation of my boundaries. I told him nothing remotely suspect. Nothing that he wouldn't want his kids to see. He knew it was wrong and he went there anyway. Not once but twice, even if not on purpose.

So he's got to decide what he's going to do to prevent that from happening. Because I fully admit I occasionally read stuff on the internet, click links that take me to bad places on accident once in a blue moon but not twice in one day. And I don't keep looking at it. It's going to be interesting to see what his next move is in that respect.

I'm just sorry this has happened...Because: Unless you're willing to continually play "Husband Police" - You really have no way to know if he's crossing boundaries and viewing porn, or not.

Enjoy your trip - you deserve it.

Yeah, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't want to spend so much time snooping, I don't have it to spare and shouldn't have to. But at the same time, I need to know if my boundaries are being violated or if he is acting out and putting us at risk again. So I'm trying to find that balance, check things sporadically, use methods that do not drain so much time, or have systems in place that I can activate when I suspect something. But then I do check something for the first time in a month, and find this, for stuff he did the day before. So either I'm super "lucky", there was divine intervention, or I'm getting my gut back.

Not to make light of the internet stuff but my H does not do internet porn at all. I have had the keylogger on for a bit over a year and nothing!

EXCEPT one time, recently he was viewing stuff for his race car hobby. Now, they always seem to have a "girl" associated with cars. So, he was looking for stuff on the car..came across a utube thingy on car racing. I could see from the links and stuff that he was looking at one utube after another of cars racing. THEN, there was one that had one of those statements that until you opened it..you wouldn't know that it wouldn't show another car racing but of a scantily clad woman doing a dance. I believe it said something like watch this beauty juggle the track.

From there, I noticed he checked out a few more.

Okay..so he was not intentionally looking for it but when he did stumble on it..he didn't exactly stop. THAT is where the boundary error is.

I hate the internet for this reason. My kids have done research and had to google things which in a real context is legit but would have porn sites pop up because it could represent something along those lines too.

Blocks had to go on for them but now they are grown and have computers of their own.

I believe my H doesn't use the computer for this stuff because of the troubles we had when the kids were stumbling on it and he saw how crazy and devastating it was to them and how hard it was to get rid of the pop ups, links..once it grabbed on. We had to re-format computer because of that.

Plus I am computer saavy (not an expert) but enough that he knows I would find it.

You know after writing all of this...I am not even sure what my point is!!

So it has been an interesting week.

Saturday I went to my first group session in the class. It's a great cross section of spouses, we all have been affected in different ways so we get to see perspectives not familiar to us - which is good. Because eventually we see it all, don't we. And it's nice to know you are not alone and have your feelings validated. Looking forward to the rest of the course, since we have seven more classes in this format. I can't really share their stories, of course, but it was interesting to see how SA/infidelity in general manifests in so many different ways for different people, and profoundly affects them all so differently, yet we are all in so much of the same pain, frustration, anxiety, etc.

Then right after the class I went on my trip to join my FOO in building homes in Joplin. My sister is on the design crew of television entity that does this stuff regularly, and this is the first time I've been able to go and see what she does. It was tremendous not only to see her work and see my parents and bond as a FOO, but also just to see what has happened in Joplin. Such mass devastation, it's just really overwhelming to see in person. Makes me grateful for what I have and makes my problems seem a bit smaller now.

WH held down the fort, took care of the kids, etc. but did some of his typical a-hole stuff while I was gone. Didn't ask about my trip at all, made me feel guilty for doing stuff I had asked him to do while I was gone, etc. Came home to a dirty house, not a load of dishes or laundry done for the time I was gone, no food or diapers left, etc. But the kids were fed and taken to school and their activities every day and they appear no worse for the wear, LOL, so I guess it's all good. I mentioned some of his behavior and true to form, didn't receive the info well but then recanted and tried to rationalize and apologize for it later. Whatever. I guess as long as their is forward progress, I won't hit him with a shovel and bury him in the backyard.

Back to reality...sigh.

Living with someone who is a white-knuckling dry drunk, still not totally accepting their issues and willing to do anything and everything to fix them is draining and frustrating. It's just like the FOG that all WS have, with additional predictable patterns that make our lives living hell. Not that he isn't trying, and that everything that is going on isn't totally normal for his stage in the game, I'm just tired of watching the trainwreck, so to speak. It's kind of like playing Candyland with the kids, LOL, it is such an ridiculously long game for what it actually is, and you are ready to stick a fork in your eye long before the game actually ends.

And while I'm glad to have my group therapy class for now, I'm struggling finding a group for me. I live in a fairly major metro area, I didn't think it would be that hard. I may have to hit up my sistahs at the class, IDK.

Thank goodness for SI. So many people here with similar stories, in varying places of the same plotline. Nice to have your comrads in this battle.

I think it is interesting that WH gets physically ill after any serious confrontation/discussion regarding his infidelity or otherwise related bad behavior. The stress and whatnot actually manifests in physical symptoms. He has not put it together that it happens right after each time it happens, he thinks he is legitimately sick each time, no matter what the symptoms. This time he got aches/chills and bad headache but no fever, last time it was hives, etc. Whereas I get physical symptoms on a regular basis (less frequently as time goes on), and I am very up front about why I feel bad.

I have been trying out my new toy, the passive GPS logger. It worked great while I was tracking me, LOL. But just like the first time I tried using a VAR on him, I somehow didn't turn the thing on right when I used it on Wh the first time so I got no data while I was away. So I tried it again today, which probably won't give me anything interesting since he's still "ill" but if it works this time, I can verify its accuracy by where all we go this weekend. I like the idea of being able to slap it on the car whenever I get a gut feeling, but not being able to track it in real time so I won't obsess over it.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 8:36 AM, October 28th (Friday)]

So for the second group therapy class, we discuss some of the characteristics we shared in the Codependent No More book. I'm still not sold on being one, but I do see that I have picked up more of those behaviors post-discovery than pre, so I am concerned maybe I am turning into one due to my circumstances.

Anyway, we discussed some things, and I made a few decisions to do some things to put myself first more. One lady and I had joked about feeling guilty about buying even generic sodas while our WHs never felt guilt about buying anything for themselves. So I've decided I'm not buying generic sodas any more, only the real stuff for me from now on. Also real cream for my coffee, and not begrudge the occasional treat (this week was toffee biscotti). And I went out and got another haircut finally, new underthings, and supplies to do proper manicures/pedicures at home. Because the end of the year is a time and money crunch for me - in addition to Thanksgiving and Xmas, two of my kids have birthdays before the end of the year. So I want to have stuff to spoil myself at home in case I am short on money and/or time.

Both I and WH found all the 12 step meeting available to us and will be figuring out what nights make the most sense this week. He of course has many more and closer options than me, but we still have to coordinate it so we aren't planning to go at the same times without sitter coverage. I can't count on him to cover me, end of year is the busiest time for him. Which sucks, he has all these meeting options and can pretty much go whenever he wants whereas I have to pick which one of the meetings that are 20 miles during rush hour from me, and arrange for a sitter. Well, at least I have options, I guess. So many don't have any meetings at all or good CSATs anywhere for miles.

Wow. Your posts show a great deal of inner strength, honesty, humor, and courage. Good instincts, too. I may have seen this thread before, but not for awhile. Stay strong like you've been and I wish your family all the best as we head into the holiday season. Your story is never ending, as is how many of us feel. One part that stood out was the funny way you described coming home to no laundry being done, no diapers left, no food, but the kids had been taken care of, and were 'no worse for wear.' (The shovel analogy made me laugh out loud.) That being said, when I leave and come home to that, it feels like I'm being punished. It deters me from ever making plans to leave for a much needed girls weekend get away. Is there a 'fix' to this problem for us?

If you come up with a way to avoid coming home to feeling punished a little, I'd love to hear the solution. In the meantime, keep your sense of humor and thanks for sharing your story.

Hee hee. I don't know that I ever expect to come home to a clean house after a trip, honestly. To be fair, three kids under 8 is TOUGH for anyone - even when my parents do it for me, they do manage to clean stuff as well but they are EXHAUSTED and ready to hit the pitcher of margaritas when I come back.

I used to cook meals beforehand he could heat up when I'd go, but he'd just take them out or make sandwiches, so I quit. I leave chicken nuggets and such in the freezer and let him figure it out now. And the funny thing is this time, he actually went to the store and bought ground beef, Hamburger Helper, and canned veggies, and fixed it for them. Then posted on Facebook about how he was juggling dinner in the skillet in one hand while managing a billion dollar deal in the other hand via blackberry :rolleyes:, like that was a momentus feat, ROFL. Entitled much? And the kids just looked at it like what the hell is this, LOL.

At least he took them places and did things. Even if it meant he let them tromp their good shoes in the mud in the corn maze, LOL. He could have sat on the couch and texted an AP, or ignored them and watched football, etc, all the stuff you read about other WS's doing.

I only focus what is in the realm of my control. If I want to go on trips away, I can't micromanage what happens while I'm away. It's his house and kids too, he can do whatever he wants while I'm away as long as the kids are safe and fed and the house doesn't burn down. If I were working and going on vacation, I'd likely have more work and messes to clean up when I came back - this is the same thing. I can't let it keep me from taking time for myself.

Sigh. He's lying in the class. To himself and the group. I am not supposed to know (we aren't supposed to share what happens in our group), so I really shouldn't confront. I made the mistake of asking something benign about it and he offered more info than he should have. I'm irritated I put myself in this position and mad at him for not being able to move forward to recover. And it's not like I didn't already know this would happen, that it is textbook for where he is at in the process. It's like getting mad at the trees for dropping their leaves now it is fall. Pointless and doesn't solve anything. Keeps me faunching about him instead of focusing on me. Gah.

Ugh. This sucks.

HOF,

Don't have any real words of wisdom for ya..just want to say I hear you and sending you strength for the day

(Hug)

I've decided not to confront WH about what he said about his group homework. Nothing positive will come of it. I just have to focus on myself.

I have been testing my passive GPS logger on his car, and it works well when I turn it on properly. This is pretty much the only way I have to know if he steps out when he is supposed to be at work, because he works in a secure building and otherwise cannot be tracked other than VAR in the car, which is way too time consuming and wouldn't help if he went to secret places and never said anything, LOL. So now whenever I get a gut feeling, I can just slap that on the car and check on it a week later. No potential to obsess over it or waste a lot of time. If you want to know more about the logger, I started a thread in Investigative Tips (which you need 50 real posts to see).

I am trying to work my schedule to go to a support group for me. While there are five meetings available during the week, three conflict with my kids' activities and two are many many miles away. So this week I'm exploring moving one of the kid's things around so I can go.

Trudging along today. Some days are better than others, LOL.

So two days ago WH asked me to pick my 12 step meeting so he could be sure not to pick one at the same time, so we never have to skip if we have a babysitting fail. I'm glad he was trying to be considerate but it felt like more stalling. So yesterday I confirmed a new source of childcare that takes dropoffs, so I can go to a daytime meeting instead of a nighttime one that requires driving 20+ miles in rush hour traffic and conflicts with the kids' ever-changing extracurricular activities. And I called the CSAT I like back and told her I have a childcare source that allows me a more flexible schedule, that I don't have to have the same appointment every week.

I had injured my leg yesterday and was in a lot of pain. So when I told WH when he got home, I was handling my stuff and it had no impact on him, do what he needed to do, he could see I was in pain. But probably wasn't convinced it was all leg injury, LOL, so he said he needed to use the computer for 10 minutes then he'd be back up to take care of me. In that ten minutes he compiled all the 12 step meetings reasonably close by (12 to choose from, WTH!), emailed it to himself, and then came back up and told me he'd try one tomorrow, assuming no crisis at work. I asked him when he was going to call his CSAT, and he said he wanted find a 12 step first, he might even go to a different group's meeting this week if it worked out that he could. We shall see if it actually happens.

My leg still hurts today, and I forgot to slap the gps on his car this morning when I had the chance. I really wanted to see if he goes where he says and nowhere else. But maybe it's better this way, I can focus on getting better and not on him.

I'm frustrated. He's trying, but until he gets out of the initial stage, accepts his issues, etc he's not going to make any real progress. I just have to hope that continued exposure to class, 12 step, and IC will knock some things loose in his brain.

And I'm frustrated that the more I read, the more I see that I didn't used to be co-dep but am rapidly becoming one. I am reading How Can I Forgive You now and plan on reading Boundaries of Marriage or whatever it is next. Every book just points out more new characteristics I now have that I don't like. It's rough.

Today I made an IC with a CSAT for me for next week. Long overdue. Yay!

Today I also realized that I may not be able to go to the support group I had hoped to go to on Tuesday because schools are out for election Day. I'd have to find a sitter for all three kids. So now I'm trying to decide between doing that, or going to a different evening meeting I might not be able to regularly attend just for grins. I'm starting to freak out a little at the babysitting costs for us to go to the class and for me to go to IC and a support group. It's something I will have to work through, maybe cut elsewhere to make it work.

WH went to his first 12 step last night. It went well. He wants to try a different group next week. Both good things.

One day at a time.

Today is a do-over day. My plans within plans did not go as well as I had hoped yesterday. I took the kids to the play place and 2 out of three just imploded and had a bad day. You know, when you get to be *that* mom with the kid having an unsavory moment, several times (times two kids). I got really angry and expressed my disappointment in the car ride home, told them I didn't want to take them places if they behaved like that, and the kids all begged forgiveness and promised to clean the house and all sorts of bribery so after spending the rest of the evening voluntarily doing chores and being exceptionally good, I relented and said we could try again today.

I hope this symbolizes mercy and compassion, how everyone can potentially succeed given a second chance, etc and not that I'm a big co-dep patsy.

My lawyer called this week and said now is the time to call in the estate planning lawyer to start drawing up our new wills/trusts so they are congruent with our impending post nup. So that is promising. I think that would be the best self-care gift to me, have all that resolved and done.

Hugs HNF-

Am so sorry about the playplace implosions, what a tough day for you! I hear you on the babysitting costs, it's bound to add up fast. I hope you can find the funds elsewhere in the budget. Good news re: wills & the post-nup. I hope SAWH will sign so you have peace of mind.

Have a good weekend~ Sabina

hathnofury,

Goodness - I don't believe I've ever seen a BS working so hard at reconciliation...while it seems the WS is just drifting along, trying to figure out when he will/or will not attend a SA Meeting.

I admire your ongoing strength and how patience you are being.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 2:50 PM, November 4th (Friday)]

Well, I don't know how hard it is at R, LOL, as much as recovery at this point. I am basically spinning my wheels until the post-nup is done, I can't very well walk out unless he does something really stupid, I have too much to lose. And I do want the kids to have a healthy dad whether or not we stay together. If I can support that effort I will, as long as it is not at the expense of myself or the kids.

I'm trying to put the focus back on ME. Trying to figure out how to heal myself, how to prepare myself for all possibilities, fix the internal problems I now have as a result of what happened. Maybe fix a few that I have always had that aren't helping me currently. Be a better parent so none of my kids become addicts of some kind too. Or at least not have such a sad, angry, compromised mama every day. They miss their old mama, and I do too.

The do-over went well at the play place today, and I signed them up for a daycamp there on election day so I can attend my first 12 step meeting and maybe have some time to myself during the day.

I realized I didn't post here that WH did actually attend a 12 step meeting. One of the most conservative and secular ones at that, and he liked it fine. Still wants to check out the less conservative and religious ones, but he is on the right path to finding a 12 step home. He's dragging his feet on going back to the CSAT tho. Whatever. We all have to find our own path, don't we.

It's not a barrier to MY progress. And that's what matters.

Hath honey...we offer childcare at our s anon meetings if there is a need. Ask.