SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SK, will check on childcare there. I have to find my home group first. I'm hoping it will be love at first sight, LOL.

Had a rough day today. Today in group class I had to own up to a lot of new characteristics and habits I have developed since discovery. I am becoming someone I don't respect or like very much. I want the old me back. I also don't like that I have no real Plan B in place in case the shit hits the fan. So my assignment, other than my real class homework, is to figure out what the heck I'm going to do if it all goes to hell in a hand basket.

Not really what I wanted on my plate, during the first week I attend a 12 step and my first visit with my own CSAT, and my DD's 6th birthday (who is about to explode she is so excited, LOL), but it is what it is. Just keep swimming. Try to enjoy and live in the moment, they will be little only for so long.

Today was my first 12 step meeting, s-Anon. I have to say, if there is any sort of group therapy or 12 step that applies to you in your infidelity situation, DO IT. There is great empowerment in being with others in person that understand your situation. IC (and MC) is all very well and good but it is seeing yourself in others that really promotes healing and growth.

My meeting was a good 45 minutes away, and they had an additional optional step work component to it that I chose to attend, so it took 2.5 hours to do both. So it is a minimum four hour commitment for me to do this, but I feel it is so important for me. I have isolated myself enough already in moving here and not setting up a localsupport network, and now with the shame of infidelity and SA showdowing over me it's that much harder to get one going. This is going to be a critical component in MY recovery.

It feels so good to have this option. I wish I had done this sooner. This is such a good thing.

I also talked to my new estate lawyer today. When you do a post-nup, they recommend you align your estate planning accordingly so it works either way if the post nup is enacted or not. Now I need to really think about custody, because in my post nup I get full custody. I'm worried about giving WH full custody in the event of my death. Only because he is not in active recovery, with a sponsor, etc with people in place that could see if he takes a huge turn for the worse. If he does all those things and that stuff is in place, I have no issues. I don't question his ability to parent, he is a good father. I just don't want him to have custody if he is engaging in acting out/illegal behavior/stuff that puts the family at risk. So I need to work that out in my head. Ugh.

Something I was telling someone else that was questioning the value of group therapy in general:

What helps me in my situation, and I had to get past the initial intros because that is largely about the SA and not the spouse/partner, is to hear what they share subsequently. Then I saw myself in others. I was highly resistant to the whole co-dependent thing initially, didn't think I was at all. Then I listened to seven other women share their co-dep traits with examples, and I had at least one example in common with each of them. Stupid crap, like I would always buy the generic soda because it was cheaper, even though I didn't like it, while my WH has no issues spending money on whatever he wants and thinks it's ridiculous I do so. It took someone else saying that to realize that's what I do. And now it's a running joke in our group, no one is allowed to buy generic soda anymore. So now I am at least open to the idea I have become co-dependent in these new circumstances, possibly I always was and just got worse when all this came down. At any rate I have a lot of the qualities, they are not conducive to my healing or my health, so I need to address them. I don't know if I would have realized this without the group therapy settin

It's really surprising how you hear other's stories, and think why don't they do X, and then turn that thought inward and think, well, why aren't *I* doing X? Or you hear how someone dealt with something, or how they had an epiphany, and you learn something new, either a new coping tool or mini breakthrough, whatever, how it impacts YOU upon hearing it. Today, one member shared how upon initial discovery she dived headfirst into a new hobby that is easy to go overboard in. I share that same hobby, and also went a bit overboard with it when I started. Guess when I started that hobby? When my WH claims the acting out started. He didn't state that specifically, it happens to coincide with the date. Now I'm wondering if I knew something was up on a subconscious level and I used that hobby as a means of escaping my impending reality. I would not have put that together in IC, I know.

The group leader told me today, she tells everyone to try six meetings before they commit to a group. Not necessarily six of the same group or organization meeting, although they can, but six of any meeting to understand how the process works and see how it plays out in your head over time. I think that's wise. I can already see the difference in my third meeting in my class and the first two. I cannot wait to see the difference in the 12 step, because it's a different format and a different mix of people.

Tomorrow I go to my first IC appt with a CSAT. I'm nervous, but excited. I have so much crap bubbling up now as a result of the class and groups and I can't contain it all.

Trying to hold it together. In my previous life I used to have all the Xmas shopping done, presents wrapped, and cards ready to mail by Thanksgiving day. That is so not happening this year. It's hard because since two of my kids have bdays late in the year, I kind of have to coordinate the presents so there isn't overlap.

I just don't know how I'm going to get it all done. The post nup. The estate planning. My car needs servicing and a new key. I have dental work I need done. I need to get all my medical crap done while the deductible is satisfied. And so on and so on. And being classic betrayed spouse, have the attention span of a gnat. Gah!

Well, my IC appt will have to wait for another day. One of my kids woke up with fever and vomiting. Ugh. I was so looking forward to it today.

But at least I have group tomorrow. That's something. IDK, even though everything appears to be better, inside I'm a mess. I've had a lot of things come up to the surface I need help dealing with. Like all of us BS's have from time to time.

Well, WH came through. After initially having his head up his ass, he realized where it was, pulled it out, and stepped up. Moved some things around and covered me so I could go to my IC. I am appreciative he did it, because I know it is very difficult for him to do this on such short notice, but I wish it wasn't tainted by the a-hole behavior beforehand. He totally ruined his opportunity to gain major trust and love tank points. You'd think by now he'd learn there are so many opportunities to do this and take advantage of them.

Anyway, this IC is a great fit for me and I think I will make a lot of progress and healing with her. It was long overdue.

But someone is going to have to miss class tomorrow, since we still have a sick kid and potentially more to come. I'm thinking he should miss, only because I have missed two classes altogether and he's only missed one. I wish nobody had to miss class, but I wish my little girl wasn't sick either.

I definitely am working through all the feelings that I couldn't have because of all the anger initially. They are just bubbling up all over the place. I'm so lucky I have different areas of support, when this all started I had none. It's really easy to believe in a higher power when this kind of stuff just magically lines up for you.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 2:14 PM, November 11th (Friday)]

I haven't updated in a while. So this is what's up.

I am seeing a slow change in WH's behavior. He is being proactive. He still has his moments of a-holiness, LOL, but they are tempered with many instances of doing the right thing. For example, he told me the other day he clicked on a link I would not approve. Once he realized what it was, he clicked away immediately. Fessed up to it that day, asked if I wanted him to show it to me in the history so I could see what happened, etc. Did not want me to stumble on it myself and not know what happened. So clearly he learned from last time.

When I feel anxious, or sad, or sick, or whatever, I am open about my feelings now. He usually steps up and tries to help, do whatever it is to make me feel better, safe, etc. His last position on his recovery was that the class, the homework, and the weekly 12 step meetings were all he could handle at the moment, and that he planned to resume IC with a CSAT in January when his work schedule died down. I told him fine, but I wasn't interested in pursuing anything physical at all after the sobriety requirement had been completed without the blessing of his IC and mine, and he had a recovery plan done with his CSAT in place. If that meant waiting an extra month or so because of his work schedule, so be it. So the ball in his court now, my boundaries are in place.

In my initial appointment with my IC, she had asked about WH's involvement in 12-step, if any. After I told her he was shopping for a home group, being familiar with all the local groups and with WH's story, she told me she'd save us both a lot of time and told him to go a specific group, that it was the best format for him and the people in it were either just like him or would like him, LOL. And it happens to be the group WH likes best anyway, so he's going to stick with that as his home group and has been going consistently.

I however had to skip my group today, my kid is sick. I'm bummed, I really wanted to go to today, needed to go today. I will make up for it in other ways some how.

My post-nup lawyer has done all she can do now, she's waiting on a document that I am having trouble getting and input from our estate planning lawyer, so whatever agreement we have is executable in the event of our death or whatever. So I met with the estate lawyer this week, figured out everything I need to do to set that up, and WH cooperated surprisingly. He is more of a "let's do a simple handwritten will only" kind of guy whereas I am a "lets do all the stupid paperwork that avoids all the mess that happened when my grandparents were incapacitated a long time and then died" kinda gal. So I have to gather all the documentation for that, which is almost as daunting as when I gathered similar stuff for the post-nup. But it is yet another thing that needs to be done, regardless of what the future will hold, and will bring me great peace so I am ok with it.

Mostly I am overwhelmed. I'm trying to get a lot done, post nup, will/estate, my 12 step, my class, my IC, get back into an exercise routine, eat better, do more things for myself, etc in addition to dealing with all these feelings as a result of what has happened, is happening, what will happen, on top of everything else. But I am not crying every day, having mind movies repeatedly, etc and I'm taking back my life. So in that respect life is very good.

This has been a rough week for me. My kids have been taking turns with a tummy virus, and for the next six weeks or so WH will be working 80 hour weeks. So I've missed my 12 step, my writer's group meeting, the Parents' Night Out we ALL were looking forward to all month, and my class today. I'm feeling low and have not had opportunity to work out my feelings with people that understand what I'm going through.

Before you think I'm burrowing in co-dep from all my "sacrifice" LOL, I'm sure WH would have let me go out for Parents Night Out and stayed home with the kids, but I passed out right after the kids went to bed so that didn't happen. And he wouldn't have minded letting me go to class instead of him, but I don't want either of us to ever miss two classes in a row. And he sat out with sick kids last time, so it's my turn. He is going to watch the kids so I can get out this weekend. There aren't any meetings I can go to, but at least I can get away from the madness that is my life right now, find myself again.

Basically I'm going through a lot of textbook BS stuff. WH is doing a lot of things right, is progressing, etc but I just don't know if it's enough. I'm mourning the loss of the M I thought we had. The loss of the best friend I thought I had. But I still have this man in my house that knows me better than I know myself, that loves me and will do anything for me, but I'm not sure I know who HE is anymore. It's hard. It's a lot of stuff to work through.

And a lot of pukey laundry as well. When it rains it pours....

But someone is going to have to miss class tomorrow, since we still have a sick kid and potentially more to come. I'm thinking he should miss, only because I have missed two classes altogether and he's only missed one. I wish nobody had to miss class, but I wish my little girl wasn't sick either.

Considering it's his rotten ass behavior that's necessitated these classes for you, the LEAST he could have done was watch his OWN kids so you could go to class in your efforts to clean up the mess HE created.

You're a brave woman. I would have traded in his sorry ass years ago for a Miniature Daschund.

LOL, BTDT. A friend on mine is celebrating her 10 year anniversary, and she mentioned how her former self 10 years ago would not be overly impressed with her current life (no infidelity involved, just wound up in podunk with a different life plan). I couldn't help but think what myself 10 years ago would think of my life now. Having no kids then, I think my former self would say RUN and don't look back. But having kids complicates things. And having decades of history complicates things. Addiction complicates things. Things that should otherwise be simple.

The way I see it, I am going to have to go through a lot suffering, change, and growth for 2-5 years no matter what path I take. If I can do it WITH him, with his full cooperation and effort, it will be better for everyone. If not, I can say I tried everything but not at the expense of my happiness/sanity and it's still what's best for the kids.

I'm pretty fortunate. I appear to have all the info on the table, where as many BS are left in the dark for a long time. I have a spouse who is remorseful and trying to do the work, even if he has his less than perfect moments and is not always successful. I have systems in place to work things to my advantage. I have my health, and I am young enough to go back to work and start over as a single parent if I have to. I have time. What I don't have is a crystal ball. Only time will tell what my life will bring.

LOL, BTDT. A friend on mine is celebrating her 10 year anniversary, and she mentioned how her former self 10 years ago would not be overly impressed with her current life (no infidelity involved, just wound up in podunk with a different life plan). I couldn't help but think what myself 10 years ago would think of my life now. Having no kids then, I think my former self would say RUN and don't look back. But having kids complicates things. And having decades of history complicates things. Addiction complicates things. Things that should otherwise be simple.

The way I see it, I am going to have to go through a lot suffering, change, and growth for 2-5 years no matter what path I take. If I can do it WITH him, with his full cooperation and effort, it will be better for everyone. If not, I can say I tried everything but not at the expense of my happiness/sanity and it's still what's best for the kids.

I'm pretty fortunate. I appear to have all the info on the table, where as many BS are left in the dark for a long time. I have a spouse who is remorseful and trying to do the work, even if he has his less than perfect moments and is not always successful. I have systems in place to work things to my advantage. I have my health, and I am young enough to go back to work and start over as a single parent if I have to. I have time. What I don't have is a crystal ball. Only time will tell what my life will bring.

Hugs HNF!

You sure have a lot on your plate right now. You know we are all so proud of how proactive you have been in this.

Thanks for keeping us updating. And can I add Im so jealous about those classes you both are taking! Why is nothing like that available here?!

((hathnofury))

I hope the kids are feeling better now- tummy bugs are awful. You're doing a great job juggling, just remember to take time out from all of the chaos to slow down and relax. Just for you.

~ Sabina

Very interesting....

So for the next six weeks or so, WH will be working 80+ hour weeks. It's the nature of the beast of his work, cannot be avoided. He doesn't even have a lot of flexibility with the hours, if the bigwigs come calling - he has to go. So I was not expecting a lot of support or progress during this time. Maybe even some regression.

Parent/teacher conferences were yesterday evening. I told him weeks ago, that I needed to go. Told him I was getting a sitter, he could go if he wanted, but he needed to be home at a certain time to take the sitter home so she didn't have to walk home after the kids were in bed.

He calls midday. Says he doesn't know if he can come. The bigwigs have called a meeting at that time. I'm very unemotional - he could have blocked it out on his calendar, told him he had one hour he was not available, etc ahead of time but clearly he didn't. I could see this was going to be a thing where he would throw a mantrum, say he couldn't come because he *had* to work, or worse come anyway and throw the mantrum because he *had* to come home, I didn't plan well, etc. I'm not playing this game, I hang up. He calls back later and says he will come home to take the sitter home, but he has to go back and will be working until midnight.

He calls later, between my conferences. Surprised I am there, because he was sure because the kids were sick and his theatrics would have drove me to cancel. Tell him no I'm there, and I might be a little late because the conferences are running behind. And as it turns out I am a bit late. He is clearly annoyed, says CFO is staying late waiting on him :rolleyes: but keeps the mantrum in check since the sitter is there.

So I figure he's saving the mantrum for when he gets home. I decide right then and there I'm not going to take it. I will cut him off, tell him if anyone gets an ass-chewing tonight, it's him. That every day I am here is a gift, and if he wants to piss it away fine, that plays into eventual consequences but I will not let him shit on me too. I don't care how difficult it is for him to do it, but this was an obligation to his family, he had plenty of notice and it didn't take that much time. He's not getting any guilt from me or medals for his sacrifice. If he expects that, I should tell the lawyer to change the postnup to divorce papers now.

Then the youngest starts throwing up. So I have to message him that he's sleeping on me on the couch (where he comes in when he comes home), so be quiet coming in and that my phone is charging elsewhere in the house so don't call. I still expect him to think he's putting the youngest to bed when he gets home so he can either have his mantrum, or dramatics about how he "sacrificed" so much today to fulfill his basic duties at home.

But when he gets home, no such thing. Immediate attends to all my and our child's needs. Fixes me food, cleans stuff up, etc. The only mention of work is tomorrow will be crazy and late too, but still let him know if there is anything he can try to do to help. No dramatics, no mantrum, no falling on the sword of his sacrifice, etc.

I don't mean to paint the picture he does his mantrum thing all the time, just at the end of the year when the hours get crazy. And he still doesn't deserve any awards for behaving like a rational human being under duress, for sure. But I still think it is very interesting that there is a definite change in his behavior, a conscious change. I think he finally understands I'm not interested in anything less than full commitment to R and recovery, and he better act accordingly.

Which is a good thing. Whether it is enough, has yet to be seen.

And he still doesn't deserve any awards for behaving like a rational human being under duress, for sure.

I wish my SAWH understood this.

~ S.

Hath, You truly inspire me!!

My hat off to you!!

Hope kids are better soon.

((hug))

Hath, You truly inspire me!!

My hat off to you!!

Hope kids are better soon.

((hug))

Thanks for the continued support, folks. I appreciate it.

I know it's been a rough couple weeks for me, kiddos being sick and having to miss out on all my support options, on top of a holiday and one of my kids birthdays, and WH busiest season at work. So I know I'm tired and physically and emotionally hurting more than normal.

However, I keep feeling like it's not enough. I need more, I deserve more, so I can be happy. I just have to figure out exactly what all that "more" is. I'm literally exhausted and can't see straight, so my brain is fuzzy. But I know I'm not happy. I need to figure out what will make me happy.

So glad to hear he is stepping up!

Mine too, has done a lot of positive changes in himself, but I also feel like its not enough and not sure what enough is. Maybe its the hurt speaking.

btw, I had my first appt with an IC who specializes in spouses of SA. She asked me to start journaling and as part of that, to answer two questions to myself..

1. What do I need from him in order to stay in this marriage?

2. What has his actions done to me and how do I feel about that?

Just thought I would share

DrivingPast,

Thank you for sharing those 2 questions your SA/IC gave you.

I need to think hard and long on those two things.

In a rough patch again and I need to verbalize these things so I will work on that.

Thanks again