SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm still not doing well. I have been struggling with why I don't respond like a normal person,

As a former logical, rational, linear thinker, problem solver, "doer" I just want to add my usual two cents and encourage you to allow yourself to vent and "feel." This trauma catches up to us. I am so glad you have a trusted IC and IRL support. But you also have to allow yourself the occasional meltdown if you need it. It MAY not be you. But maybe it is once and awhile...

Yeah, I probably do, Kat.

I've been plugging away at IC, group C, my S-Anon meetings and this week my therapist goes on vacation. She INSISTED that I call her while she was on vacay. I never call her, unless I have had to cancel last minute (only a couple of times over a year). I never call my S-Anon sisters, I feel weird about phone support to begin with, and it's hard to call with three littles all day and SAWH around all night. It kind of freaks me out she was so insistent to call her. Maybe I am about to go off the deep end because I DON'T have meltdowns.

Yeah, I probably do, Kat.

I've been plugging away at IC, group C, my S-Anon meetings and this week my therapist goes on vacation. She INSISTED that I call her while she was on vacay. I never call her, unless I have had to cancel last minute (only a couple of times over a year). I never call my S-Anon sisters, I feel weird about phone support to begin with, and it's hard to call with three littles all day and SAWH around all night. It kind of freaks me out she was so insistent to call her. Maybe I am about to go off the deep end because I DON'T have meltdowns.

So how am I?

Eh. I am trying to set up routines for good health. My house looks good. I'm eating a little better. But all in all I am not doing well. I have a horrible time sleeping, have a short fuse, lost my sense of self and nothing feels good anymore. I feel like I'm going nowhere.

My IC is sending me to someone to get meds. Something for temporary and occasional sleeping assistance, and a very low dose of a very mild AD. She said I was physically exhausted and my brain/nervous system (and probably other systems too, LOL) were completely depleted and not able to restore levels without some medical assistance. That this is common in people with bad PTSD and it's critical to address it now. She doesn't usually put clients on meds but I need them.

SAWH is trudging along. He wants so badly to do right, but he doesn't know what he's doing. And frankly he's not up to the task of recovery AND saving the sinking ship that is me right now. He's bailing the boat as fast as he can, but he doesn't know how to plug the hole.

So I trudge along, and take comfort in the small victories in my life. It is a valley in my healing, sooner or later it will upswing to a hill. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, if I keep up the faith and the good work, it will be.

I realized I didn't really fully explain what an Impact Letter was, and thus how it has affected me lately. So let me explain what it is, then post my actual Impact Letter in another post. In all honesty I don't understand why this is not a component of MC for all types of infidelity, not just treatment of sex addicts.

An impact letter is a component of formal disclosure for a sex addict's therapy. Many people think that disclosure is just the SA getting to confess their entire timeline of infidelity and acting out, their coming clean with everything they have done. That is part of it, but also part of it can come from the spouse or others affected by the SA's choices and actions. The point of this is so the WS/SA not only has to admit everything they did in one sitting to their partner, but they also get confronted with the impact of all their choices on the ones they loved. It can be very traumatic for the WS/SA because they honestly usually aren't in a place where they could have seen this on their own. If they could have, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

So the spouse gets to write a detailed narrative of how all the WS/SA's actions have affected them. You write it out so you can put it in one place and be able to put it in a format that makes sense. If you tried to do this verbally on the fly, it would quickly dissolve into a emotional mess and not be very productive. Many BS's have had small discussions with their WS about how specific actions have affected them, but it is rare that they lay ALL of it out on the table at one time.

So it is very traumatic for the spouse to compile this. You have to relive a lot of horrific things. Admit all the things you have endured as a result of someone else's choices, someone that you trusted to act in your best interests who failed you. Admit what you have become as a result of what's happened. And face reality in general that you really wish wasn't true.

IMHO it is devastating to the BS as it is to the WS, maybe more, to do this exercise. Especially if the WS does not react in the way the BS anticipates or feels they should. But it is worth the effort, it makes you both face the music and see what happened, and you get some clarity about the path you should take in the future.

So composing my impact letter, which my SAWH has not yet read, has greatly impacted my mood and my general health at the moment. And he can't help me with it specifically, because I need to save that discussion for the actual disclosure process so we both have advocates to help us address it productively. He knows something is terribly wrong, he likely caused it somehow, and he wants to help me but doesn't know what to do. It's a rough place to be in.

So that is what an impact letter is. I will post my actual impact letter in a separate post.

Impact letter

I hate that the person that is supposed to be my very best friend, who knows me better than anyone, has lied to me every day for the past 16 years. And never felt compelled to come clean of his own admission, ever.

I hate that the person who promised to love, honor, and cherish me, in sickness and health, in front of God and 150 of our closet friends and family, and never did any of it. Repeatedly violated his vows to me, repeatedly chose the most raw and serious of betrayals, and risked my life, our children's lives, our future, our finances, our safety to break these vows.

I hate that I have as a result lost my innocence and blind faith in people, and will never 100% trust ANYONE again.

I hate that I chose to marry someone who was never ever fully honest with me from the beginning. Who never intended to be faithful to me. Who lived by a separate set of rules that I didn't know existed, and never gave me a chance to see you as you really were so I could make fully educated decisions about my life.

I hate that you have spent hours, days, weeks, months of time acting out while I was at home pregnant and/or caring for your children. Spending thousands of our dollars to do so.

I hate that I have to tell my OB what you have done to me, see the reaction in her face, and that I need to get tested every year for the rest of my life. That you could get hit with a truck and die tomorrow, that I would still have to do this every year, and that you could kill me from the grave as a consequence of your choices. Worse yet, that I have to tell her I'm still with you after all you have done.

I hate having to tell my lawyers what you have done to me, and they tell me it's always worse than I know. To hear them say that sexual addiction is the worst kind of addiction to happen to your spouse, the most invasive and personal betrayal. That I can look forward to you bouncing between several addictions and continuing to be put at risk, so I have to plan accordingly if I choose to stay in order to protect myself. Worse yet, that I have to tell them I'm still with you after all you have done, that I know all this and am still here.

I hate when I share my story, the reaction of people when they hear it. To see them physically wince, recoil, look at me with horror and pity. I hate even more when it is someone who has already walked in my shoes, and has seen it get worse. I hate that I know it can get much worse, and specifically what all that can entail, and yet I sill choose to risk that it will.

I hate when I read back over my journal of everything that I have been through this past year, how bad it really was and is. That for my own protection, you can never know the full extent of everything I have went through. And worse yet, even if I could, you do not have the capacity to understand it. No one should have this story. No one should every have been through what I have been through this year.

I hate that you have spent thousands of dollars on drugs to do the things you did, and lying and covering it up for years. That now you will always have ED as a result of abusing this drug (talk about irony), and I have to figure out how not to take that personally if I ever choose to pursue a sexual relationship with you. That you have blown out your hearing and put vital organs at risk, and have shortened your lifespan as a result of this abuse.

I hate that you lied to me, even as early as a month ago, about what you did. That you think I couldn't have figured out you've cheated abroad, on business trips, with streetwalkers and transgenders/men, anonymous encounters, group sex, the excessive drug use, the unprotected sex of all kinds, the sex recordings, etc. without you telling me. That you have ALWAYS underestimated what I am capable of.

I hate that I will never be able to trust you on trips away without me again, and that you have put me in a position to place boundaries like no more travel for work, ever, that make ME look like the unreasonable one to everyone else because they don't know the whole story.

I hate that you chose to make recordings of me explicitly against my consent, and that I will never be able to know if with absolute certainty that no one will ever see it again.

I hate that as a result of your actions, I will spend thousands of hours and thousands of dollars in therapy and therapy-related activities and doing self care like preparing a post nup, excessive medical care, etc. That is not how I EVER wanted to spend my time and money, both of which are critically tight for me.

I hate that as a result of your actions, your choices, I am going through the absolute worst crisis of my life and I can't share it with my best friend, my mother and father, or my sister because it will forever impact they way they view you, your relationship with our children, and with me. Because I can't remotely risk them exposing our children to that knowledge right now and forever damaging them no matter how noble their intentions and efforts. I hate that I have had to rely solely on a network of complete strangers to get my through this.

I hate that my greatest fear is I am setting an example for our children that it is okay to endure something like this from the one you promise to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your life. Even worse, I fear you are teaching them it is okay to do this to the person you make such promises to. That one day one of them will be a sex addict, and I will find out when they die or are imprisoned, or after some equally horrific event, as a result of their actions that they learned from you.

I hate all the secrecy we have to maintain because of your actions. I live in fear the wrong person will find out, and it will forever ruin our lives even further than they are now. That you will lose your job/career, no one will want their kids to come over, no one will touch us with a ten foot pole. I hate how the general population would assume that it is in some way MY fault you are the way your are, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I hate that even a year later you are still very broken and can't see what you are. Can't see how you treat me. That you still feel entitled and victimized and still stick your head in the sand and pretend you can go on like nothing happened for the most part. That you are still lying to yourself and others, about more minor things, but still lying pretty much all the time without even realizing it. That I can't know if you will ever be able to overcome any of this.

I hate what you have done has made me become, over our marriage and especially in the last year. When I read what typically happens to spouses of sex addicts, I thought that could never happen to me, that only happens to people who choose to stay with addicts that refuse to get help and continue to lie to their spouse. That I would never become the bitter, resentful, crazy person that spouses of addicts can become. But I have. And I hate that I have to reassure myself about things like it is ok that I don't want to violently kill you, that that can be a normal and healthy response. I hate that I envy people who would have taken a Xanax, filed for divorce, sent the kids to the grandparents, and gone on a girlfriends only cruise to vent and plan the ultimate revenge.

I hate as result of this transformation in me, you have compromised my ability to parent. That our kids miss their old mom, the one that was fun and spontaneous, patient and loved them beyond question, that was always there for them and always put them first. Now they have a mom who is often sad or angry, has a very short fuse, has trouble doing fun things with them and lines up babysitter after babysitter to go off to do unknown things that she often comes back even sadder and more unfocused on them than before she left.

I hate that you have made the possibility that I will have to leave you, that I will have no choice, a very real possibility. That you had a YEAR to try to make things right, and you chose for the most part not to. Through the worst of it, I never wanted to leave. But I can't keep living with someone who lies to me.

I hate that I feel like I will never be safe again.

I hate that against all odds, even if we both do everything in our power to save us, and we succeed, I am still settling for less than I truly deserve.

(((hathnofury)))

You've been heard sweetie.

You're a strong and awesome woman.

Hath

I have been following your story for the last year. (My first antiversary is tomorrow ). You amaze me with your strength, organization, and insight. You are way too hard on yourself. I still feel like a blithering idiot who can't string two coherent thoughts together most days and has trouble deciding what to make for supper never mind making any important decisions.

Your impact letter is powerful. I can see how composing it would be traumatic and emotionally draining, but hopefully you also found it somewhat therapeutic to get all those feelings down on paper. It puts into words so much of what I feel myself. My WH is also a SA.. There is only one CSAT in our area. My WH has been seeing her since Jan. I have just started seeing her myself as I hadn't found any regular ICs to be of much help. She hasn't suggested anything like this to us so far. I'll have to ask her at my next appt.

I hope that you are getting some relief with the new meds. Sleep deprivation just compounds everything. You are strong, you are brave, you are awesome, so don't forget it.

((((((((((((((hath))))))))))))

This truly made me cry... Actually bawling here.

I hate so much that you are forced to go through all this pain, against your will, in spite of the fact you did nothing to incur it.

(((((HHNF)))))

I don't cry much, but your impact letter brought me to tears. I have followed your story from the beginning and you continue to amaze me. Your strength and grace are an inspiration to us all. I hope that you will find peace whether you decide to continue the relationship or ultimately part ways with your H.

I also wanted to say that I was reluctant to take meds as well, but was ultimately prescribed a very low dose of Celexa and it helped me tremendously--I was able to disengage my brain more easily from the mess, and it helped me to be a less stressed parent, and to see a future for ME again. I was on meds for a year, and was able to go off them without a problem.

Hugs and peace to you...

I have to say that I don't understand why you stay. Years and years and years of abuse. Can any love be so deep that it can forgive that? And your future isn't certain. Where did he cultivate such love? What actions did he take over the last decade to earn such love?

IMHO I cannot see the advantages to staying with him.

I'm here, too. Your impact letter is too familiar to those of us married to SAs and serial cheaters. I wish I could hold you and hug you IRL....

******(((((((HATH))))))))))********

Hath,

Perfectly written letter. Very powerful. You are so strong.

I am 2 1/2 years out from dday and just over the last two months my sawh is FINALLY getting it.

I am telling you this because when he hears/reads the letter, he may close up emotionally because of the toxic shame he feels. Toxic shame is a bitch. Give it time to sink in. Try not to freak out if he does not react the way you expect.

I am just so sick of all of this . . . For all of us. Add up all the hours we spend on SI, thinking about what they did, crying about what they did, reading books about SA. . . We have lost precious time with our children, friends & families . . .

Sorry for the t/j & vent . . . Just wish all our pain would disappear.

FWIW, I have been on Zoloft for 1 year for PTSD -- best thing I ever did for myself (and my kids)

(((((Hath)))))

Hath, when is your formal disclosure day? I hope you have RL support...

As an aside, I too, used ADs for quite a long time, and still have a stash of ativan that I use on occasion. The ADs had some side effects that I found undesirable so I am now taking an herbal supplement that has similar good results and fewer side effects. We need to take whatever help we can get, without feeling we are weak. We have survived things others couldn't...

Thanks for all the support. I do really appreciate it during this difficult time.

I've been to a psych doc to get meds. They have to be ordered so I can't start taking them until Monday. It was brutal having to tell yet another stranger my story, on top of defending some of my other medical choices (which I have to do with every doctor) in other areas of my life. But I have the scripts, that's what is important.

I do not know when the date of disclosure is. His CSAT is on vacation right now so it's up in the air. I have my group therapy and my S-Anon people to provide me support, in addition to my CSAT. I also have a few online friends I can call.

Why do I stay? That is a very good question. I think the best answer is because I am not prepared to leave. I am getting those ducks in a row now. I think after disclosure (and it's more about what happens AFTER disclosure than what he reveals at disclosure), and after the meds start to work, it will be more clear to me what my path should be. A betting man would say the money is on my leaving. Like Knutz said, he's not going to react the way a rational logical person would. He's not going to do everything in his power to make it right. And I deserve better. He could surprise me, but a betting man would not take that bet.

I reread my whole story on here again last night. This time, knowing his full history. Viewing now his actions and what he said with more educated eyes. It was also brutal, being confronted with his lies, the blameshifting, the gas lighting that at the time, I could not see. Because I thought at the time, he was capable of being truthful and capable of logic and rational thought. I do see the abuse, the years of abuse, now. And it is a very good point what exactly could possibly overcome that.

But I have no regrets about the path I have taken. I can tell my children, his mother, pretty much anyone that I honestly did EVERYTHING in my power to save us, everything I could to support him to get better. I left no stone unturned. I can also say that I have done everything I can to SAVE MYSELF. And will continue to do so.

Hath,

I hear what you are saying about why you have stayed.

Here is what has helped me with my decision to stay -- I thought about what my husband was like before we were married -- what our life was like -- sexually, emotionally, socially, etc. I knew that deep down, under all that shame, all that filth that he was with while betraying me (not as many as yours, but enough to make me want to vomit daily), all the lies, TT, blame shifting, rug sweeping and manipulation --- the man that I fell in love with in 1987 is there.

The problem is --- will he ever come out and will he stay out? Will he betray me again? This is what we worry about constantly.

For me, I waited almost 2 1/2 years for him to come back to me. He is not all the way back yet, but I am slowly seeing that he is getting it.

You have put up with more than anyone should be able to bear, and you are doing SO great.

You've got the prenup -- you're getting your ducks in a row. You're taking care of 3 kids while juggling all this crap. I know how hard it is to not let the kids know what is going on -- crying on the bathroom floor, crying in the car when a certain song comes on the radio, looking at older couples together, holding hands (that one rips me in half).

You. Are. Amazing.

Don't forget that.

We wives of sex addicts are a special breed -- WE are strong. Together.

We wives of sex addicts are a special breed -- WE are strong. Together.

Ahhh, but it sucks that THIS is the reason we have to be strong. I would choose to be strong in the face of other "normal" adversities.

As I look back, I so regret that my entire life was spent with someone who just couldn't love me, someone who just wasn't capable of doing that. I fooled myself and hid the realities of the dysfunction from the world (even as I was unaware of the sexual acting out) YOU are so smart to be making methodical plans based on knowledge.

And yet, I STILL believe in the power of recovery. As you know, I have a son who is a recovering alcoholic. So I have to, don't I? And if our SAWHs work the program in SA, they, too, are capable of long-term recovery. Is it then safe and wise for you to stay with your SAWH? Well, that, of course, is something none of us know. Where is that crystal ball when we need it?

Love to you as you continue in this saga. I'm here if you need me.

Thanks again for all the support. Nuther update, LOL.

I have been taking the meds for a few days. They appear to be helping. The sleep meds do help me fall asleep faster and keep me from waking up so many times at night. The low dose of a mild AD is bringing back my ability to focus and leveling my mood. Both really good things. Both allowing me to develop some more good habits to take better care of myself and my family.

With this new focus, I have delved into the finances more deeply. WH and I have argued about the logistics of our finances for years, and for the past five or so years I've let him handle all of it because I was in over my head with caring for little kids without the help of a SA. I can see where we are, what's going on, and what needs to happen. We've had a few unexpected hard hits this year, and they have put us in the red for overall ongoing expenses. I see short term fixes where I can get us closer to breaking even, and long term fixes to get us back in the black, most of which WH is on board with - in theory.

But what it comes down to is, it is time for me to go back to work, at least part time. We need more income to cover these sudden expenses, pay off the credit in my name, and to pad my safety account he can't access. I need to get back into the workforce and become potentially employable full time, should worst case scenario happen.

I have not discussed this with WH yet. He has not been keen on this in the past. He feels my staying at home is worth way more valuable than the meager funds I could bring in working part time. He also is not in a position to really accommodate me working during regular business hours without significant effort. So I don't expect he will be on board with this new revelation either.

Tough. I'm going to find a part time job, during overnight and weekend hours. A lowly hourly entry-level position with a big company that hopefully will let me work 10-15 hours a week. That will put a little change in my accounts, and set me up with a work history and references in this state. Then, if disaster strikes or after all three kids are in school full time next year, I can make the move to a "real" full time job if I want or need to, probably even with the same company.

I have already started applying, today. IDK when I will discuss it with WH, tonight or when I actually get some responses. I'm leaning towards the latter, because I have enough going on and I'd rather cross that bridge when I get to it.

I think finding outside employment, even p/t is a great idea. My job was my safe place; my employer supported me fully and I felt they all had my back during one of the darkest periods in my life. The OW works in the building behind us and just knowing that they were all looking out for me was huge.

After all you have been through, a job will give you a sense of control and empowerment. It really doesn't matter what you do.

I am very proud of how well you are doing with all this.

Hath, I'm sorry I missed so much on this thread. I almost never come up here because the pain is a trigger, and I almost missed this. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself with meds, they've been a tremendous help to me as well.

And frankly he's not up to the task of recovery AND saving the sinking ship that is me right now.

^^ This has been the hardest part for me to accept. That Nathan (SAWH) *literally*, *literally* does not have the internal, mental and emotional resources to help me. I still reach out to him for support and understanding & healing- even though I know he can't. I've reached out to family members and friends and shared the truth of my life because Nathan can't support me. He hasn't liked it, and the consequences have been lasting, however I've zero regrets asking for my circle of family to support me. I'm done with keeping his secrets. I'm learning to stand on my own and take care of myself in healthy ways, and even though I had to learn this in a crucible of agony and despair, I recognize that this is a lesson I need to learn.

I hope you can find a part time job to help you meet your goals, both professional and personal. My job has often been my salvation- truly. Perhaps your WH will see job hunting as a loss, perhaps he will react well. Who knows, really? The important thing is for him to honor you by respecting your wishes & supporting your goal. And if he doesn't- then do it anyway because that's you taking care of yourself..

Hugs and Light, hath; hugs and light~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 10:15 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)]