It is with a very heavy heart I write this post.
The therapists were adamant we both be there for the results, at the same time, and the kids be cared for elsewhere. I signed them up for a Parents Night Out program last night so we could go over the results.
He failed the poly. Massively. I would later find out that my therapist has never seen someone fail so massively and consistently across the board. She actually wants to follow up with the poly guy (who as I have said is on vacation for this entire month) to find out how common this is with SAs and with his clientele in general (he also does polys for the legal system for sex offenders).
I was in shock and devastated. I was sure we would come in, and they would say all results were inconclusive. That he has been lying to everyone and himself so long that he actually can screw his biofeedback up to ruin the results and I would never be able to get answers. Even though I knew it was an all or nothing thing, I was not expecting him to fail at this magnitude.
But I am more disappointed in his reaction. He just sat there and didn't say anything. When they asked for his reaction, he just said he was disappointed, he worked hours with the poly guy to get the questions right and he felt like he was telling the truth. They asked for my reaction. Of course I am shocked and disappointed. I know this could mean just a minor omission, or major one, or anything between. I know that the standard procedure is to dig further with the SA and find out why the results are going that way. They confirmed all this. He never looked at me, touched me, asked how I felt or basically checked to see if I was still conscious. he told the truth and was very frustrated. And nothing else. They asked if we had further questions as a group, then we split off to discuss with our ICs individually.
I was devastated. My ICs continued to confirm that it could just be a minor omission throwing all the tests off. She did feel it was a major one, and she did not sense the children were at risk. She felt is way of responding to anything was to avoid direct statements, especially provable ones, and that in itself was enough to fail the test. But I told her his behavior, his actions indicated otherwise. This past week he has been behaving like when he was initially diagnosed. And when he would be confronted with omissions of truth, which at the time appeared minor but turned out to be major. I told her if he breaks out in hives, I will know there is much more to the story. And I told her it didn't matter if it was a minor omission anyway. The trust was gone. I can't model a mom/dad relationship for my kids where I cannot trust my husband. I cannot be sure there isn't further risk to them. They deserve better, and I deserve better.
SAWH and his IC came back. He looked at me and apologized. Again vented his frustration, but said there were minor omissions that probably skewed the results. Like he would cross-dress when masturbating as a teen, etc. That he was going to work with his IC to further pinpoint the truth so he could pass the poly next time. Could I forgive him and give him chance to do this?
Not once did he ask how I felt. Not once did he ask what I needed to feel safe or stay in the relationship. Not once did he even reach out to touch me. When the therapists called him out on that, he agreed but only minimally asked these things. I told him I was devastated, that it was clear he was holding back things, major things, and I did not know why he would continue to lie to me, or continue to pay to lie to his therapist, his sponsor, etc - all these people that are trying to help him. What was SO bad that he thinks I was going to leave?
Again some minor omissions. One significant one, after being asked TWICE why he was failing the question about sobriety, was that he was pushing the limits of sobriety - touching himself, but not bringing himself to climax, fantasizing, etc. - basically not breaking the standard as written but breaking the spirit of the agreement. Again a lot of justifications and "I" statements. Again no touching me, no real baring of soul, no heartfelt remorse that indicated he felt this was his last chance. I called him out on it. His IC asked how that made me feel. I told him now I am worried not only do I have an addict I don't trust in the house, I possibly had a NPD or mentally ill man as well. I told SAWH as he followed the new course of treatment, that usually people don't fail the poly twice. But in his case, he would have to do a LOT of work to be able to pass.
SAWH asked if I would help him through that process, so he can rebuild my trust in him. I told him I would always love him, always support his efforts in recovery. He had three kids that needed him well. But he needed to extend that same courtesy to me, and he was not.
He did not ask what he needed to do to accomplish that. He said he would sign the post-up ASAP to help me feel safe. I appreciated that, but clearly he did not get it. Shortly after the therapists decided to close the session as it was clear despite my laying it all out explicitly, he wasn't getting it and it was going nowhere.
It was eye-opening for me. This is not what would have happened at home. And to be fair, he was not expecting to have to go into this level of sharing in front of a stranger, and I knew that. But when it is fourth down and punt, you do whatever is necessary. And he didn't.
I rode with him to the appointment. I don't see well at night and it's even harder for me to driving at night when I'm upset. And because I had no idea how long it would take, I didn't make other arrangements for transportation. I had my purse so I could take a cab, but I didn't want to make the therapists wait any longer on a Saturday night. So we went out to the car, and he asked if he could hug me, and I said yes.
He wanted to discuss things in the car right there. I did not. I told him to take me to church. If it wasn't open, I'd sit in the car in parking lot. But that is where I needed to be.
We drove there. The parking lot was entirely empty, and it was freezing outside, so I didn't want to check all the doors that were probably locked. I sat there. He asked what I was thinking. I am trying to figure out what I need to do. He asked if he could talk, or if I needed quiet. I said if he needed to talk, go ahead. I figured that would also help me figure out what I needed to do.
He continued to ramble on about the same things. Disappointed he failed, when he thought he told the truth. Dude, you didn't tell the truth, you told us that - that is why you failed. He was angry my IC called him out on his reaction, that she insulted him. I told her perhaps she was not tactful or polite, but what she said was dead on. He was not prepared to discuss things at the depth they went as a group, he thought he and I would discuss it afterward, and he'd also discuss them with the IC and his sponsor later. I told him they were trying to see if he was capable of a human response, that is the only reason it played out that way. And he didn't deliver one. Still hadn't delivered one.
We talked about some of the boundaries I had, how the new circumstances would now change them. I need the debt in my name paid off ASAP. He said he was happy to put most of the bonus toward that, but it meant we could not continue to improve the house. I told him depending on the upcoming appraisal (for dropping PMI), we may not need to do them. If the house was really worth what Zillow.com was saying it was now (and of course that is not exact), we could sell the house as is, and there would be enough money to pay off all my debt and for me to start fresh.
He said that there were other means to pay the debt, but that didn't make sense unless I was planning to move back to Texas. I said I didn't want to move, I love that house and it would be hugely disruptive to the kids, but if we could not stay together, we could not afford separate households and keep that house. He reminded me of some expenses that will drop off next year, that perhaps we could. And he asked if living in the basement would not be an option. I told him we may be doing that anyway, but I was talking long term. I was not going to decide anything like that today.
I then realized I hadn't eaten dinner. So I said lets stop talking, go through a drive through so I can eat, and then go pick up the kids because it was close to time. The drive there he was trying to be supportive, asking if I had enough to eat, if the temp controls where ok, how we wanted to navigate the next day's activities with the kids. We arrived to pick up the kids early, so we sat in the car for ten minutes. He opted to read the manual of his new company car to figure out the AC/heat controls rather than discuss things further with me. I told him right before we got out to pick them up, I needed to sleep by myself tonight. Furthermore, since he gets up uber early on Sundays to go to his 12-step, he needs to get everything he needed so he would not wake me up when he left.
We came home, and he did everything to get everyone in bed so I didn't have to. He asked if he could hold me, continued to say he was sorry. He told me he loved me several times, but I did not return the favor.
He is gone now at his meeting. I have taken my rings off. I only need to take it one day at a time now, but today I don't want to wear them. I have a lot of thinking I need to do before I make my next move.
Yesterday morning, someone sent me one of those inspirational messages on Facebook, that disappointments are God's way of saying "I have something better." I had reposted it because I recently had a discussion with my daughter, and I wanted to show it to her. She had asked if people who believe in God and pray get what they want. And I told her no, they get what they need. And she didn't like that response, and I felt this one was better. But it rings very loudly with me now. He has chosen to show me who he really is, whether he realizes it or not. And while it may be the only thing I believe from him, I do.
[This message edited by hathnofury at 8:18 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]
