I wanted to give some context to what I am experiencing and feeling.
Until the poly, it was not as if we slept in separate rooms, never touched each other, never talked about anything and could barely remain civil. His reaction to the poly would have been more understandable if it was that way. Still wouldn't justify it, and only amplifies how very just plain wrong his reaction was.
He does have a history of behaving like this when he is "busted" at pretty much anything, infidelity-related or not, with anyone. Immediately the walls go up, he's defensive, he's justifying, completely inconsiderate of anyone else affected in the matter. This behavior has not changed since recovery. So clearly he is busted at something now.
What had changed in his behavior since recovery is that afterwards, after he has time to process, he realizes the error of his ways. He tries to take responsibility for it, apologizes, tries to make amends. He does show affection while doing it, but feels he needs to ask permission for any sort of touch beforehand. He still is not good at asking what he should do to make amends, or showing his real emotions, bearing his soul, being empathetic outside of apology in general, but he does recognize he was wrong and tries to fix it. But it's kind of like when you are teaching this lesson to your kids, just because you accept responsibility and say sorry, that isn't necessarily enough. And you may not be able to fix it. Anybody say FOO issues? So despite progress, still very broken. I just never realized to what extent. Because he wasn't even capable of how far he had come when it mattered most.
The next night after the poly results, after the kids went to bed, he did try to further apologize for what had happened, reaffirm his commitment to me and recovery, etc. In his head, we both knew the results were going to be bad, and we had already prepared for it. In this head, his mission was to find out what he had to do next to fix it ASAP and get out of there, pretty much at the expense of everything else. He realized afterward it was wrong, but I don't think he understands HOW wrong. It's difficult for him to shift gears when it is not his idea, moreso under duress. So he went right back to the "busted" response I outlined above. Amplified in being called out on it by all of us. (Boo-hoo). He knows all that was wrong too, but he doesn't see HOW wrong.
It reminds me of when little kids get busted for doing something and get caught. You ask them what the rules are and why they weren't supposed to do that, they parrot exactly what you told them the last time they did it. You dish out the consequence. Then later you are having this same discussion again because either they don't really get it, haven't developed the full memory loop for it, or they don't care. Most little kids do this a while, but they grow out of it. Red red red flags.
It troubles him when I tell him it is addict and/or mentally ill behavior. He still really doesn't understand "mostly" doesn't really count in terms of honesty, and he doesn't really understand the ramifications of that either. He did not confront me about taking off the rings, and when I asked him why, he said because he did not want to believe I gave up on him and us. So there is still a lot of denial furthering the difficulty with honesty. And obviously not putting anyone else's needs before his own. I feel like I am filling out a checklist for some sort of personality disorder or mental illness.
We did not go to church together that Sunday, my younger kids were over-scheduled and needed a break. But I had taken my oldest because she is in the choir and sang at the service. And the sermon that day was about hope, and what to do when it seemed all hope is gone and the bottom had fell out (appropriate, no?). When I told SAWH later that night this, and started to cry, he immediately ran to hold me. And then said it was not my fault. WTF? Why is guilt the first thing he thinks I feel, that isn't even remotely appropriate. So he's for lack of a better word socially retarded, lacks true empathy, and is projecting his shit on me.
And this is 18 months after being told he was broken and needed to fix himself, or there cannot be a M. Nearly a year of intensive therapy. This is how far he's gotten.
I know this is ranty, and it usually is not productive to put focus on the WS when this kind of stuff happens. But his reality impacts my life, the life of my kids, and the decisions I must make for myself. I write this out so I can look back in the future if I have doubts, and remember where I have been. Remember what I need to do that is best for me.
Someone had told me regardless of whatever the results of the poly were, I would have answers. Holy cow, I can't believe the magnitude of the truth of that statement. Not about results themselves, but about everything else.
So what I am doing for myself? Today is the first day in a long time I don't *have* to be somewhere. I could go to my 12 step, but I just had a gut wrenching group therapy last night so I don't need a repeat of that. I am staying home, and I am going to make sure I get enough food, water, and rest. Do something that makes me happy.
And take it one day at a time.
