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Thanks, Dare2Trust. Yes, the pills are expensive, anywhere from $18-30 a single pill depending on what brand and such. You can see why I easy misread the script as being 30 day supply, who knew they were that expensive. Obviously not covered by insurance. Like many of us in SI I am just FURIOUS at the amount of money being thrown away on infidelity.

Thanks, ScaredyKat. I'm hoping to work in something like that soon, as soon as the older kids are back in school. It is hard to justify treating yourself when a) your WS frittered so much money away and b) you need to spend every available free moment doing stuff for self preservation (post nup stuff, getting tested for STDs, etc.). But it does do wonders for the soul. I did go get a hair cut and all that a month ago, and it felt so good.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 9:51 AM, September 4th (Sunday)]

So an update to where I'm at.

Gathering the documentation for the post nup is tedious and taking a long time. You are essentially gathering all the docs for a divorce in advance. I've had to switch to a 3" binder and I'm about 2/3 through getting everything I need. I want to have it done and in the lawyer's hands by the end of the month.

In securing this documentation, I've confirmed WH has been sloppy with bill paying, which could affect my credit. I am taking *all* of that over as of next month as well.

WH still has agreed to attend the SA/SAS course with me. We are working with a babysitting service to find us childcare while that happens.

He is minimally meeting my requirements, but not going out of his way to prove himself. Once the post nup is signed I am going to go 180 on him if he doesn't fully step up. By then the course is in full swing as well, all our savings will be in my account, so if that doesn't get some stuff started I don't know what will.

Hathnofury~

Dropping in quickly to give you a hug for support. I've read through the whole thread plus the posts down in ICR and I'm proud of you for all of the work you've done so far. I attended a 'short version' of the 3 month course, and I highly recommend it to you. Keep going with the post-nup, at a minimum it'll offer you some peace of mind for the future. IMO, if you can get an individual appointment with the CSAT I'd do so simply for clarity. If you don't already have one, get your SAWH to sign a disclosure form so you'll have the maximum amount of information available to you and the CSAT will be legally protected also. Meanwhile, try and take care of yourself, find a good IC for you and start going. SA is a long road, I've found that regular IC has been a lifesaver for me.

Hugs! Sabina

It sounds like you are doing what you need to take care of you. That's great!

I agree with Sabrina about getting a one-on-one with the CSAT. I think what you'll need to have your WH sign is a HIPAA privacy form so that the CSAT is free to discuss his situation with you.

I think it will help you to get more clarity on your WH's situation and you'll be able to provide the CSAT with information he may not have.

Good luck!

I forgot to say this in the last post, but because we are attending the class he is not going to see the CSAT again until it is warranted. So I am going to hold on contacting the CSAT again at least until the post nup is done, and then decide if I still need to talk to him.

We had a minor setback yesterday. I've been having trouble getting our savings into my account. Previously, I have just written checks but I'm trying to set up electronic transfers and they aren't working properly. Anyway, since there has been a lag he told me yesterday he needed to be named as the beneficiary on my solo account, he was not comfortable with taking our life savings if he couldn't access them in the event something happened to me. He told me this on the phone at work.

It was more his tone and attitude that set me off. I wanted to rail at him, say you have already confessed to blowing almost this amount of money, which means it is likely much more, if you were a real man you would just give it to me up front, no questions asked and say I can do whatever I want with it. But I didn't, I said we could discuss it at home. And that currently the beneficiary of my account was my sister, it's not like it was totally inaccessible. I think that really hurt his feelings.

But I kept it together, and was very 180 when he got home. He brought me all the documentation I had to get from him for the post nup, asked me about how he wanted him to pay for the course, etc before broaching the subject. Again, the tone was not the best, and I told him to tread lightly. Then I asked what was his concern about it, why wasn't my sister listed enough. He said my sister was out of state so that could make it more difficult to get the money in an extreme situation where I was dead/dying. <rolleyes> Reiterated he did not need access to the account, just needed to be the beneficiary in case something happened to me. I reluctantly agreed, but between you and me I am not making it a priority to get down to the bank and change it. And then later when I said I was just taking the bulk of it, not all of it, he was visibly less stressed.

IDK, it's probably a control thing and not so much a money thing. I had considered, before talking to him in person, saying I'd be happy to do it AFTER I had finished reviewing all our records to ensure there isn't MORE stuff I didn't know about. I finished looking at all the records I can instantly access today, and there was nothing, so I'm glad I didn't.

The main thing from this exchange is I'm worried now he is going to fight me on the spousal support for the post nup. He wants me to run the budget numbers and prove what I need if we split households (on top of child support, assuming the estimate for that is correct). I want to get the maximum I could reasonably expect if I went to court and divorced him, and the child support court estimate (which we are both ok with). Those numbers together are higher than he would want to pay. SO I'd have to figure out how to present it so it looks like a good/fair deal to him. Any suggestions on that front duly appreciated.

There are other options, besides making him the beneficiary, that would solve his concerns. You could make the beneficiary a trust for your children and appoint someone local as trustee. Talk to your lawyer--he/she could be the trustee, if you don't have a friend that you trust. Actually, there is no reason to have someone local--with online banking, transactions can be handled by someone out of state with no lag in time. It appears to me that you are right--it is a control thing.

P.S. He's a lawyer--he knows all of this.

Right. We will be updating our wills and such at the same time we do the post nup, so they match, and set up trusts and whatever then. This is just our immediate emergency fund, which is what you use when you suddenly lose a job. This is not our savings for the sake of savings, or the 6 month emergency fund, or anything like that. Having been through this a few times, LOL, we know how important it is to have one and accessible and not tied up in something that it not liquid.

But yeah, totally a control thing and him being a lawyer makes it worse, LOL. But having observed others close to me what happens when you suddenly lose a spouse/parent and trying to get the money to pay for things, I know what he is talking about as well.

Well, crap, doing it his way and doing the separate households budget is the way to go. The child support estimate and the maximum spousal support I could reasonably expect would barely cover expenses. In my head I thought it would go much farther.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 12:23 PM, September 8th (Thursday)]

Some links:

If you want to know why I was so on the ball from the beginning, I read this thread early on before I started taking action:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

I mentioned in a previous post how I took the time to explain my boundaries and consequences in a specific manner as guided by a post by Serj. This is that thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

I mentioned in an early post a thread that gave me guidance on surveillance prior to having enough posts to see Investigative Tips. That thread is here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=401810&HL=31671

HTH.

Hopingforhappy, I just realized I didn't really fully address you suggestion. Part of the problem for me is I have only lived here a year, so I don't know anyone well enough locally to be a trustee or anything like that. I am literally thousands of miles away from people I could entrust with my children's future or our savings. But I do have a very good friend one state over, that is a possibility. I will have to consider that.

Like I said before, this is the emergency fund, it is not an excessively large amount of money at all. So it seems silly to make it more complicated than it needs to be. In all honesty, if it came down to it and he was desperate for cash and I was dead, it's not like he couldn't use the debit card in my wallet if he went looking for it.

But you bring up valid points that I will have to consider. Thanks for that.

Just read you story and wanted to tell you I admire your strength. I don't know how I would have kept it all together while still being a mom to three kids. Kuddos to you and wanted to wish you good luck also.

Thanks, Foolish. Honestly the kids are a huge motivator, and they suffer a bit from mama being sad, stressed, and overwhelmed. I don't see how people go to work every day when hit with something like this, I would be so fired.

So this is where I am at:

I've gotten all the documentation for the post nup that I can myself. I am just waiting on a few things to come by snail mail, ugh. I don't want to meet with the lawyer until I have everything in my hand. And I don't want to discuss alimony/child support specific terms of the post nup with WH until I have all the docs, so I can be ready to file immediately without hesitation regardless of the outcome of that discussion.

I have the bulk of our emergency savings (AKA our only savings, LOL) in the account in my name only. I have not switched the beneficiary on that account yet. The streets around that bank are under major construction, so it is a PITA to go there. WH hasn't asked about it again, so I'm going to let it lie until he brings it up again. He's done that to me many times, on purpose and accidentally, so I don't have much guilt about it.

We have our first SA/SAS class this weekend. I'm really nervous.

I'm in the process of figuring out what kind of activities I can do for just me, so I can put the focus back on me. Obviously easier said than done with 3 young kids and a spouse who works long hours. But I'm getting there.

Probably because I have a second to breathe and not chase down documents, I am having second thoughts about everything I have done up to this point. Why didn't I just throw him out that first day? Even if I get everything I wan tin the post nup, and he goes to the class, I have no guarantee he's going to change. If he "slips" or whatever, he could put his job at risk and no post-nup will fix that. What if I prevented him from going rock bottom, and now I have to wait for rock bottom for him to get better?

And I'm ANGRY. Angry at what he did, even though there is no evidence he has done anything else since dday. Even though he is meeting my requirements and boundaries, he's minimally meeting them. He's not going out of his way. I feel like he really doesn't appreciate the gift he's been given, that he should be kissing my butt and he's not. But what can I do, he's doing what I asked for. Ugh.

This sucks.

We had our first SA class today. It was not what I thought it would be and greatly exceeded my expectations. Basically, they have identified through decades of research on SA what specific tasks SAs in successful recovery have completed (not to be confused with the 12 steps, though those are helpful too) and have geared the course toward educating SAs and their partners on completing those steps. So you basically can accomplish what would normally take 2+years in therapy if you participate and cooperate accordingly. First third of the course is classroom learning environment and second 2/3 is group therapy environment, spouses are in a separate group. I feel really really good about taking this class, and WH seems to be responding to it as well.

Yay. Something positive, LOL.

Wow that is fantastic about the class. I wonder if there is something like that around me. Did you only learn of it through your csat? Is your csat religion based? I found only three in my area and they are all in the "ministry" whcih I dont think is a good fit for us... though I may still give it a try.

About the anger... I think mine is settling there too. We are in a similar time frame. I mean, do I want to wait around the next 20,30,40 years of my life wondering if and when he will slip?!?! and frankly, for men who visit escorts, it can be once in 5 yrs, and I would never be able to catch that.

(((hathnofury))) so glad the class is better than expected...even if after all this your WH messes up again at least you will know you did everything in your power to give your marriage another try. Leaving the marriage on DDay & saying I'm not going to deal with this would have been the easy way out (though understandable) but staying & fighting...thats harder. You are a strong women & a great example to your kids!

Thanks, Forks. I never meant to imply I should have left the marriage immediately, I meant I should have thrown him out or some other grand gesture to bring on the rock bottom. But I am coming to peace with my decisions, that everything happens for a reason, etc and that this is the path we need to take to get better. Both of us.

DP, I live in a large metro area, so I have a lot of options for therapy, S-Anon, etc. This center has been around a LONG time, the guy who runs it is a expert in the field, publishes/speaks all the time around the country, etc so I am very blessed to have this opportunity. The class is definitely not religion based. We have both S-Anon and SAA here, in multiple locations, so I don't know how religion plays into it. I do know he said today that SA (here anyway) defines sobriety as no sexual activity outside of marriage, so that it could be limited to those that are gay/bi, not married, or have similar issues may not find it the best fit - that implies some religious content to me. We haven't pursued 12 step things yet. I have asked him to go to one eventually.

Update: I am almost done with the post-nup documentation. Once I have the stuff I can only get from WH, which I should get the last of tonight, I am going to talk to him about terms of spousal support and child support. I'm about to hit a very heavy month schedule-wise and I need to have that lawyer meeting sooner than later, even if I have a few documents still outstanding. Worst case scenario I can pay the law firm to secure them, but obviously it is cheaper for me to provide them and just have them verify it.

I need this done. I NEED this done. I know everything appears to be moving in a positive direction but I won't be able to sleep peacefully at night until it is done.

Hi hnf~

Dropping back in to say good for you & give you a hug. Second thoughts are common for all of us, I'm sure, so don't worry about them too much. You can always kick him out, it's just easier if you already have legal paperwork in place. I'm sure you already know that, but no one here will judge you for getting your ducks in a row before making a major move.

Keep on keeping on, HNF. You're fighting the good fight. Perhaps it's time to begin thinking of other ways to care for yourself? What have you always wanted to do just for yourself, something that feeds your 'soul bank' as UnexpectedSong says? It's very important to honor your inner needs in addition to your legal ones!

~ Sabina

Thanks Sabina. I am actually doing stuff for myself. I took the flight credits from the two weddings WH had originally planned to attend this summer (before all this went down) and have exchanged them for two quick trips for ME. One to go see my sister, one to go see my BFF. Unfortunately I scheduled them both for this month because travel is more difficult once snow/ice is a factor.

I'm hoping I don't regret that later, LOL. Not because I'm worried about WH, my kids don't handle change in routine well, so my two trips out, plus a visit from my parents, may be their undoing, ROFL.