Good morning SI. I wanted to post and let you know how the big confrontation went down yesterday afternoon. This is going to be VERY long, but I wanted tell you how I implemented your advice and guidance. First, I need to thank everyone who has reached out to support and help me, particularly those special people who have PM’d me. I couldn’t have done this without you.
If you can say about any of this pain and destruction “it went well,” our confrontation and discussion went well. I told him I knew about his secret life and the money he had been spending. I asked him how much $$. He said XX. Really? OK, maybe XX. I told him I KNOW it is XX. He said no way! I say YES.
He then immediately went and got the secret file (that I had photocopied that morning, hah, take that WH) of the cc bills he had been hiding (for years, boy do I feel dumb). I went and got a calculator. He spread the file open and handed me the first bill. By bill #2, we were at his second figure of XX. He got pale and quiet. He handed me the next bill and I kept adding. A few more bills in, and WH looked sick. He didn’t say another word, just kept handing me bills with his shaking hands. Welcome to our new marriage WH.
After a few minutes of discussion and him realizing that his secret fantasy life had crumbled to his feet, I pulled out a sheet of paper titled Requirements for our Marriage. I told him to take his time and read it over.
Many hours of discussion followed, but he immediately said he would do anything and give me everything on my list to save our marriage. Often times the discussion followed the very typical WH script, but he never ducked full responsibility for what he had done. He said over and over that it was indefensible.
I told him he has shattered my trust and that this is a betrayal that has cut me to the core and deeply wounded me. I saw my WH cringe and shudder every time I shared my pain with him. I told him of the physical and emotional toll this has taken on me for the past week and his eyes filled with tears. I told him that I would also be seeking IC to help me with the trauma he has created in my life and I saw it hit him like a physical blow.
I’m glad I was as prepared as possible for the discussion. Confrontation is a truly grueling experience. I tried to remain calm and focused. I kept my goal firmly planted in the front of my mind. Get the truth and save our marriage.
TT, well I already knew WAY more than he expected (I know I am prepared for more), so I kept pushing. Only a little bit of blameshifting – nope, not going to happen. He dropped that one pretty quickly.
There was a ton of minimizing. He still feels this was just a game, a fantasy that he indulged in for fun. I told him one thing he needs to figure out in counseling is what kind of “void” he has in his life that made him try and fill it with this kind of behavior. He agreed. I told him I thought he had a sickness. He agreed. I told him that this behavior has taken up an incredible amount of time and energy in his life and he agreed. I told him I felt his behavior and the way he conducted himself in his fantasy life has bled over into his behavior in real life. He agreed this might be true.
I had felt his disconnect and distance. I had repeatedly asked him for small gestures to show me that I was in his thoughts. I told him I felt his time, thoughts and mental energy were consumed by his secret life. He repeated that what he had done was indefensible.
There were many times during our discussion when we would reach an impasse. I would hold up my list of requirements and say, this is now our marriage. He wasn’t trying to duck and cover, but he needed to know that this is the new reality that he has created by his actions.
He desperately wants to know how I found out and what my sources are. He thinks I have been coached and sought outside help (I didn’t tell him I have already been to see a lawyer and he knows nothing about SI). He wants to know if I have told anyone. He wants to know what steps I have taken to protect myself. My response each and every time – At this point I see no reason to answer any of your questions. He agrees and sees the truth in this.
He is still vehemently denying any conduct or physical contact “in real life” that can be considered a betrayal of our marriage. I am standing firm on the STD testing for both of us. Hours into the discussion and after a bit of the shock and awe was beginning to wear off, I think he feels deeply offended by this requirement. Too bad. (He later called my list of requirements heinous but cannot/did not deny its necessity.) I held up the list and told him he has destroyed my trust and broken my heart. “Really, you can’t do this one thing?” He agreed to the testing.
Obviously, there is tons more but I just can pull it out of my brain right now. I was advised to have a VAR in my pocket (thank you!) because the discussion would be emotional and difficult to remember. Absolutely true. I will need to review the VAR over and over again I’m sure. I did take all the recommended precautions for my safety, but they were unnecessary. I truly believed this would be the case, but I also had no idea how WH was going to react. I will say I have NEVER, not once in 35 years, been afraid for my safety in any way. But I will always seek to be SAFE rather than sorry.
In retrospect, did I jump the gun with all my preparations? Absolutely not. Yes, I am thankful that WH has immediately taken responsibility and has apologized to me over and over again. He looks like a broken, battered man. I got the snotty tears this morning. It is hard for me not to apologize to HIM for what he is feeling. Co-dependency is a new concept for me (that I learned about here on SI) and I can see that I have more education in store. But WH did tell me he realizes this is about doing what is necessary to make me feel safe. His words, freely given.
After many hours he told me he thought I was handling this amazing well. I asked him what he meant. He said I was not yelling, screaming, throwing things – I was just calmly, but forcibly, addressing this painful new reality. I too felt it was important to acknowledge his response to this confrontation. I told him that I had no idea going in how he was going to react. I appreciated his immediate confession. He got the cc bills. We went through the online bank accounts. We opened his gmail and he had me read aloud the emails from the sluts. I used the words sluts throughout the entire confrontation.
So, this is our beginning. Am I hopeful, yes. But I know this is only 1 day in. This is our new marriage. Hopefully WH is willing to do the work, and continue to do it. I told him there is no quick fix, this is going to be a long, long process. I told him that if he had lied to me when I confronted him, his stuff would be in hefty bags in the driveway. If he does not immediately cease these activities, his stuff will be in bags in the driveway. If they contact him and he doesn’t tell me, his stuff is in the driveway. I told him that he knows me well enough after 35 years to know I am deadly serious.
Again, SI, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and caring.
nightsky
[This message edited by nightsky at 8:58 AM, June 24th (Sunday)]
