SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It does get better. It is not so noticeable at first. It is more like the tide going out,and you don't really notice the level dropping so much in comparison to the waves. It does eventually drop though.

I think for most of us we are totally consumed and barely able to function at least for a time........... how long depends upon the person, your spouse, and what he is doing to help you heal. Issues like TT will drag out the pain IMO..... for me because there was at least some TT and he refused to give up his "friendship" in the first 3 months it took about a year and a half to really not feel totally consumed and have it take up most of my waking moments - and there were a lot of waking moments since sleep was not an easy thing to get................

it truly is individual though..... meanwhile take care of yourslef and do some nice little things for just you............ put yourself and your health first.

Sunday was 4 months from D-day for me.

I seriously feel that our healing is somewhat dependent on how we found out, the length of the A, how our spouse dealt with the details and if we get all the answers. If we were told from an outside party that is more damaging then a confession. If we dealt with 4 months of TT before the WS is finally honest that is more damaging. If they can't remember details or change the details as they remember more, then that slows the process. If the A lasted years verse a few months then we will have a harder time. If it is the second A or third etc... it will take longer. If our spouse gaslights or minimizes facts or emotions then we have a harder time. If there is a fair amount of rugsweeping then that can slow the process too.

So, if a WS wants to truly help their BS heal and deal with the shit hole they created they should tell the truth, leave no details out that are asked and be honest with themselves as well as their BS at all times. Not hide their emotions, not minimize the impact and truly help their BS with recovery.

I often wonder if I would be doing better on my own verses dealing with him day in and day out. I made a commitment to reconciliation and I don't go back on my commitments like he did, but still I wonder. There was actually a point when I told him that if I had to do all the work of recovery on my own why on earth would I choose to stay with him. I think that got him thinking and soon after that he made some changes. He finally saw that even trying to recover from all this stuff he was still being selfish, pushy and wrong.

I have rare moments when the A is not front and center in my mind. The deal is I know that those moments are possible now. I treasure them when they come. Well, it is when they end that I notice them and treasure them. I am sick of the A running my life. I am tired of thinking of them together every time he touches me or kisses me. I don't want the A to rob me of more time. She had enough of his time and now she is stealing mine. I hate that and right now am working on how to handle it and push her from my mind. I have the unfortunate reality of hearing it from her and the fact that she was a very close friend of mine. My WH wants me to be more positive and have better self-esteem. I don't think he gets just how damaging what he did is. Had he not lied to me for 5 months I think I would be doing better, or the fact that he didn't even tell me, she did.

Final deal is the consuming part will go away dependent on how you deal with stress, trauma, crisis and how your spouse deals with you and has dealt with you.

Oh gosh - for me? 6-8 months, easily. I actually finally found this site when I was at about 8 months and was worried it was never going to get better. I can truly say, now, at 15 months, that it is significantly better - most of the time I am not thinking about it. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like crazy when the thought pops into my head, but I resumed something much closer to a normal life around 8 months.

((avicarswife)). I remember in the early months after d-day feeling like I would never have a day, hour, or even a single minute that wouldn't be consumed by my WH's betrayal. The pain is just so overwhelming, and our brains are trying desperately to make sense of an incomprehensible situation. I won't lie, it does take time, but it will eventually get easier. As the others have said, it is a gradual process. One day, you just notice that you haven't thought about the A in over an hour - two hours, then three... It started for me just a bit past the year mark, and has gotten better every day. However, I doubt that I'll ever go an entire day again in my life that I don't think about it. (sorry - but true) I've just stopped obsessing. My WH did some things right, but he is a master at TT and rug-sweeping, so it took me longer than it needed to. Hopefully, you'll have a different experience. Hang in there.

[This message edited by time to heal at 4:22 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)]