SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

lostone, you have stated that your wife is going to leave if you refuse to stop feeling fondness for your AP, or the memories that you share with her. The FACT is that she is leaving, and you are STILL, after 13 pages, unwilling to hear what this community is telling you you need to do. At this point, your wife is better off leaving, but what you can't see past is the door. Once it closes, you believe that it's closed for good. I don't know your wife, but I can assure you that continuing down the path you're on is going to poison every fond memory of you that she has.

Whether she leaves or not doesn't change the work that you need to do to be a healthier person. But if you need it, here's an extra motivator, once you are making definable and honest progress, with yourself and your emotions, there is always a chance of winning your wife's regard back.

Will disposing of the things feel like a little bit of death to you? You say it will, but until you do it, how can you be sure?

One question that I have yet to see an answer to is, would you rather have those "things" or your wife?

Hmm. Lostone, do you think you have ended the affair?

I think, from a BW's perspective, keeping mementos and thinking about the AP in anything other than an ashamed light ("good" memories of the AP), is continuing the affair.

When we say NC, we don't just mean physically. We mean emotionally too.

Even though you think that you'll be throwing away a part of yourself by throwing away those mementos ...you won't be. At least, if you are, you'll be throwing away the unhealthy parts of yourself. And as for throwing away your feelings for the AP...

You can do it. You can throw them away. We all have more control over our feelings than we think.

The first step is committing to doing it. It's choosing, everyday, that you aren't going to feel that way for her anymore. It is consciously deciding to let go. But until you make that choice...

You're still in the affair.

At least, if you are, you'll be throwing away the unhealthy parts of yourself. And as for throwing away your feelings for the AP...

But until you make that choice...

You're still in the affair.

Yes, you're still in it.

AND you are the common denominator.

So leave BW, go with AP. You'll find out soon enough...you'll still be with you, once the shine wears off.

You'll still be thinking someone else will "make you happy". It might take time, but you will eventually see that AP will stop making you feel so "alive".

Maybe this just isn't your "bottom" yet..

[This message edited by beachbunny at 12:52 AM, August 10th (Friday)]

WarpSpeed...

You have a PM.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:48 AM, August 10th (Friday)]

I have a very simple---yet genuine--question. You say you tell your wife everything; I believe you. But I wonder if you do so in a language she also speaks.

I ask this, because you have a great skill for talking about things, and around things.

The brain of a BS is traumatized. It is so, so different that the mind of the wife or husband pre d-day. It literally functions differently as a result of the trauma.

When I ask, "Does she know?" I don't mean, "Have you discussed your difficulties letting go?" I mean, have you stated your intentions, in clear terms the traumatized (and ----wow--despite it all, ever-so-hopeful) mind can understand? Have you said, "I can't let go of the mementos and good feelings. I know this means our marriage will end. Go ahead and sign that lease; I'll pay for the movers."

I'm not kidding when I say her brain cannot process any but the clearest communication; that your ability to talk around a problem can cause unspeakable damage, at this stage. I know, because that damage was done to me.

Please--be very clear with her. If you've spoken as you've written here, she needs an unvarnished and very simple statement---including acknowledgement that she will be moving out immediately. She needs to know to remove herself from her biggest trigger so she can begin to heal.

I also wonder, because this is something that never occurred to my husband, whether you have considered that your wife will no longer be your friend, and likely will no longer be in your life in any way as a result of your choices.

I'm not being facile or facetious. It would be heartrending to realize, when it's too late, that you've truly exchanged mementos for any sort of relationship at all with your wife. You may expect otherwise. She may expect otherwise in her traumatized state. But that is quite likely to change.

(Edited because I remembered your wife is preparing to move out, rather than you.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:21 PM, August 10th (Friday)]

With all sincerity, if OW is your choice then make the choice.

The one thing I hope you are not doing is believing that hanging on to the momentos and fondness for OW, which results in your wife leaving the marriage, allows you to believe it was your wife's choice to end the relationship.

Hanging on to the momentos and memories of OW, knowing it is a deal braker for your wife, is still making a choice. It's a passive choice, but still a choice to end the relationship with your wife.

1. Keep momentos and memories - you choose to end the marriage.

2. Get rid of momentos and memories - you choose to save your marriage.

It's that simple. If you answer is 1. just be honest about it. Own your choice.

.

She wasn't really into kissing and kissing like that would have been an obviously romantic thing which would have destroyed our self-delusional game.

This comment made me think that perhaps you were playing out some sort of fantasy with her. You recently posted that your affair was not fantasy based. I don't we how having a girlfriend and a wife who is not really okay with a third person in the relationship is reality based. It seems like you put your wife on the spot several times on your vacations. My husband used similar methods during his long term emotional affair with an exgf. She was special to him, there's no reason why she and I couldn't be friends, she's in a bad marriage. Before I had read NJF or even figured out what an emotional affair was I felt bullied into going along with their Special Friendship. It took more than 20 years for me to wise up. We want to trust the person we choose to dedicate our hearts to. Years a to I asked him to burn her letters. He was sad afterwards and occasionally still kept in contact. He obviously still harbored good feelings for her. It cause years of damage until he finally admitted it to himself and wrote a real no contact letter. We did not seize the opportunity to grow and heal. He was unwilling to look at himself. It took his recent affair last October to begin facing up to the ugly

truths. He didn't hide all of his EA but he was hiding himself and his intimacy. We work on building intimacy daily and he is working on becoming aware of boundary issues.

It was all about fantasy and cake eating and feeling entitled to selfishly hold onto something that hurt me deeply. It took him awhile to see the cruelty and mean-ness of his actions.

What ever the outcome I wish food support and healing for your wife and I hope you find a counselor who doesn't applaud staying attached to affair memories. I hope you find peace and healing as well.