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kimber67- thank you for the support. Unfortunately, I think the solution is a long, rough journey in which one must be completely truthful with themselves and do the things they are most afraid to do. I think I am only beginning on this journey. Maybe the only way to go is one small step at a time....and even when we step backwards to never give up.

Hi Lost...

First of all, I concern myself a bit with the label "codependancy"... I read the book, Codependancy No More, and I got a lot from it, but it also made me a bit uneasy. Maybe because it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I loved my WH and I wanted to save him from the "fall"... I thought ZI was being responsible to my vows and to my commitment. How is that wrong??? It's not... except when his change becomes my obsession. I had to find a balance... and the balance was how far was I willing to go... and that is when I started focusing on BOUNDARIES as oppossed to the "label" codependancy...

I'm scared to detach because I'm afraid that he will say fuck it and spiral down further.

One thing I have learned is that I have control over my actions. I am solely responsible for them. DTOM is solely responsible for his actions and the consequences of those actions. I know you love him, but just like you are taking responsibility for your poor choices and currently suffering the consequences of them , so must he. YOU. CANNOT. CONTROL. HIM. No matter how good your intentions are...

I am scared to detach because I detached prior to and during my A in an unhealthy way and I don't know how to detach without building walls.

YOU HAVE GROWN so much since being on SI... You will not be that person pre and during A... I know it, you won't... you know why you had the A so you won;t do it again. Detach and do "POSITIVE" things for you and you WON'T walk down that road again!!!

I am scared to detach because I feel like I would lose my mind without him, because he is my best friend.

Is he your best friend??? Really??? This DTOM that you are with in the present moment is your best friend, or the DTOM of the past??? The DTOM that you "fondly" remember??? Oh, yes, he is there, but he is hiding, and he is responsible for finding himself again... he has to do the hard work, just as you have done when he lost his "best friend" when you were in the A... You did the work to bring yourself back, now he's made some choices that he got lost and he needs to do the work to find himself again... Right now, I don;t think he is your best friend...

I am scared to detach because I feel weak and ready to fall apart.

Yes, I understand... Find "SOMETHING" anything to help you realize how strong you really are... You have weathered a great deal I know you have the strength to keep going. START BEING KIND TO YOURSELF!!!! Read the Serenity Prayer... it really helps...

I am scared to detach because I fear he will not love me anymore.

He doesn;t love himself, and you can;t give what you don;t have... You can't control how someone feels about you, you can only control how you feel about yourself... Love yourself first and foremost... It will give you the strength and courage you need.

So I guess I'm going to be stuck until I have the courage to make some changes within me. Any advice on finding courage?

Courage is knowing that you are much more important than your fear... and taking one step at a time.

It's a journey, Lost. It's a huge, complicated and difficult journey... It's one that you needed to take and you have come so far... Don;t give up on you right now...

I have seen so many changes in you since you came to SI... Stay positive, positive things will happen...

YOU are your greatest obstacle right now... Love yourself, accept yourself and please be proud of yourself...

((((LOST))))

brokenandfedup- well, when you break all of my fears down like that they do sound pretty irrational.

You are right. He is not my best friend right now and he is not loving himself. He is lost, just like I was during my A. I hope he finds himself. I know how dark and deep the rabbit hole can be

Thank you for the encouragement.

BTW- I definitely think I have been my biggest obstacle for a long time.

[This message edited by Lost333 at 9:03 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

You have "SA" - sex addict - listed for your WH on your profile.

Yet you spend absolutely no time dealing with that issue and only worried about his anxiety meds and your ONE past affair for which you beat yourself over the head with daily, as opposed to his many affairs, which I assume are many since you put the SA on there.

I think that blaming yourself and counting pills is how you don't deal with the SA issue. I realize dealing with one at a time is important, and addictions to pills is the primary one to deal with, as is the case with alcoholism or any other substance.

But sooner or later, you have to decide if the pills stop but the SA behavior doesn't, what you're going to do. Because you will have to make that decision one day, since SA ends only rarely.

In the meantime, you're absolutely right to stop being responsible for his pill addiction and being his caretaker. Because then this will trigger an oppositional defiance attitude, and he can make his pill addiction issues your fault instead of his own. Already, he seems to have changed his attitude now that you're DONE being the pill police.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:20 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

Heavy Sigh,

I think SA is for Substance Abuse in this case, not Sex Addict.

My bad...there are so many abbreviations for things. DTOM is not a sex addict. He has a substance abuse problem. I changed that in my sig line to avoid any other confusion.

brokenandfedup- well, when you break all of my fears down like that they do sound pretty irrational.

I didn't mean to imply that they were irrational...

I meant to show you that sometimes we just can;t seem to see the trees for the forest...

You have come a LOOOOONG way... I just don't want you to lose sight of where you were, how far you have come, and how much courage that you really have... You've been so courageous already!!!

As a BS, I am PROUD of you for your efforts... Stop beating yourself up to the point of paralysis and forgive yourself and BE the person you deserve to be...

You are an inspiration... but most importantly, continue to inspire yourself... that is the key to your detachment... self kindness because it's your journey!!! And you've been on such a strong and postive one...

((((Lost))))

brokenandfedup-

I'm GLAD you pointed them out to me like that and I could see them for what they are. I know you didn't mean to minimize my feelings at all, but let's be honest, they are irrational and illogical. Arn't most fears? I will not lose my mind without him and no matter how scared I am of some of these things happening-I can't control them. Part of my issue is that I use fear to have a sense of control-but it is a false sense of control. And right now I am having a difficult time seeing the whole picture.

Thank you for the kind words

Since he seems to be in the process of working on his addiction, I'd say both of you have a very good chance to succeed.

Since he seems to be in the process of working on his addiction, I'd say both of you have a very good chance to succeed.

White knuckling his meds and alcohol isn't really dealing with his addiction. I see very little where DTOM is actively working on his issues, let alone dealing with his addiction. What I see is a pattern that he white knuckles, uses, refuses outside help, blames his usage on his wife, and then apologizes the next day. Rinse and repeat.

What I see is Lost making great progress and mustering courage to face her fears. I see a great potential for her to succeed, with or without DTOM.

What I see is a pattern that he white knuckles, uses, refuses outside help, blames his usage on his wife, and then apologizes the next day. Rinse and repeat.

Yes, unfortunately, this is the pattern.

And thank you for the encouragement. One step at a time I will succeed....

Take the leap and the courage will find you.

^^^^This

Courage is action in the face of fear.

^^^^and this

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

^^^^and this.

You can't wait for courage - doing is courage. :)

(((Lost))) - one day at a time...

Lost,

I really recommend looking into a local Al-Alon meeting at this point. When HT quit drinking I decided to start going to meetings because I felt that was what a supportive wife does. It turns out that I got just as much, if not more from those meetings than I did from IC.

Al-Anon will address all of the issues you are currently going through. Many even apply to A behaviors. Your co-dependency, how to detach with love, and the simple fact that you aren't so powerful that you can control him. Al-Anon will give you the tools to work on your issues in a healthy manner.

Honestly, I have been able to find some nugget to take with me from every meeting I have gone to. I feel like you could really benefit from this type of support.

WalkinOnEggshelz- thank you for the suggestion. I have already joined an online forum and have been reading there. However, I will also look into a f2f meeting in my area.

Huge redflag and thread jack... you said a "different anxiety med"

What is he on? There has been a huge push in the psychiatrict community to get patients either off PRN anxiety meds like Xanax and to a lesser extent Klonopin and Atavan.

Several reasons but the primary one is addiction reasons then the added growing reality that many persons are "checking out" emotionally with anxiety meds which only compounds their anxiety when they are off their meds.

The goal is to get them on meds designed to treate depression and GAD generalized anxiety in steady doses not PRN meds like Xanax.

So normally our clinic MDs will start with a dual use AD med like Zoloft, Lexapro, Cymbalta. Adding Buspar first with the hope of avoiding prn benzos like Xanax.

So if your husband has more than one anxiety med I sure hope it is not two PRN anxiety medications.

If not too intrusive could you post the meds he is suppose to take?

There has a been a huge rise of respiratory failure from taking too many medications with sedating properties.

Way too many patients now take muscle relaxers, blood pressure meds, pain meds, sleep aids, anxiety meds and more all from multiple MDs often not telling or some cases deliberating concealing some of their meds from each different MD. And the result is they wind up overdosing simply by taking so many different meds not once exceeding the prescribed dose.

And if he is drinking on top of it even in small amounts it could be a fatal combination.

At first he told me he got deodorant. Then he tells me he only went to refill his antidepressant. Then after continual pushing (me crying and yelling) he tells me that he refilled a different anxiety med. So two days ago he started taking extra meds again and lied to me about it. He is not weaning off. He is still in his addiction. He told me again that this is because of my affair and stormed off.

We talked later and I reminded him about his promise to go to rehab. He said we would talk about it. I told him that if he doesn't get any help than at some point I can't stay in the relationship. He said then maybe I should go now

Hi Lost,

As I stated in a previous post addicts will blame everyone and everything except themselves.

You need to learnt to detach and quit trying to rescue him. That is what my daughter had to do. Told me she no longer would do things for me if I kept drinking. She was basically washing her hands of me.

Easier said than done I know.