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Your letter touched me very deeply. I hope that one day you could send it to them.

Lost and GG.

Hugs and love to the little ones inside. Strength to the adults.

Lost, your letter brought back some unpleasant memories and a flood of tears.

Thank You.

I can sooo relate. I was raised in a home where abuse was prevalent also. As the oldest son and most rebelious child I caught my fair share of beatings. Some deserved. Some not. My mother was the main abuser. But she would insist my father discipline me as well. Which he did just to shut her up. I have no doubt my parents loved me. And I loved them despite what transpired. I thought for a long time that what happened was normal. I too was never encouraged nor spoken to about important things in life. I was expected to find my own way. Which I did but made some bad choices during that quest. I really could have used some sincere advice regarding relationships and how to conduct oneself properly. It took me a long time to come to terms with what happened. As I said I thought it was normal. But found out later in life through IC that it was not. I carry a large ammount of baggage due to it and it certainly affected my adult life. I dont blame them as I believe that the way I was raised was how they were also. I had 2 uneducated working class people as parents. Their solution to being overwhelmed was to hit first ask questions later.

I made it a point of not making the same mistakes they did with my own children. I do believe that kids do need to be punished for bad behaviors. Punished not beaten. But they also need to understand why they are being punished. I have rarely had to do that with my kids. I try to explain to them why what they did was wrong and the consequences that will follow if they continue. That usually did the trick. I dont blame them for the bad choices I made in life as I feel its a cop out. Shit, I do know right from wrong and did some wrong things along the way. But I try to learn from them and not repeat the same behaviors. What did get to me was the disillusion they had when we were all grown up. My mother was in major denial about the abuse. She would talk about how well her kids as adults and how she rarely had to discipline us. Which was a total lie as I was at the very least smacked around on a daily basis. And my Dad never wanted to talk about these things. So I let it go. They are both passed now. I let go of the anger years ago. But like any other trauma one suffers it still lingers. Ya just gotta learn from it and be the best person you can be.

Im sorry you had to experience this as well. But if you ask around you will find its more prevalent then you think. Its alot like infidelity. It happens much more than you think. But people dont like to speak about it. No sense dwelling on spilt milk. Clean it up, deal with it and move on to the best of your ability. IC really is helpfull in resolving these types of issues. I strongly urge those of us who have been through it to talk to a professional. It helps just to get it out of your mind and it really makes things easier to come to terms with.

(((Lost)))

I hope you are in IC and maybe look into techniques that are specific for PTSD (like EMDR).

I have been watching a lot of the show "Intervention," where drug addicts and people with eating disorders are confronted to go to treatment by their families.

Almost ALWAYS, when they give the back-story of the addict, there was trauma and abuse that was systemic to the family. For women with eating disorders it seems to correlate highly with sexual abuse or a rape. For drug addiction, violence in the home is common.

In the show, if they can, they will interview the abusive parent or the dysfunctional-relationship parents. What is striking is the complete lack of insight or accountability on the part of these adults. They will say something like, "We were strict, but we thought we were doing the right thing." or "I spanked him once in a while but I don't know where he got this idea I hit him with a piece of wood."

It's the addict who is responding with the appropriate behavioral extremity that such abuse causes. It's like they are the living symptom of the sick family, and then they are called the "problem" by those same people.

Often, of all the siblings, the addict is the most intuitive and empathic. So often on the show it will be the "golden child," the artistic one and high achiever who then crashes and burns.

Watching this show and then also reading a lot on SI, I can see huge parallels between drug addiction as a coping mechanism and infidelity. Both have to do with lack of self-respect, lack of trust of love, bad coping mechanisms and boundaries, feelings of emptiness, and a desire to punish oneself as a kind of repetition. Both are compulsions, expressed through the body.

Watching the show reminds me of a phrase I think comes from the Bible, that the sins of the father being visited on the children.

It's great that you see so clearly, Lost. Those people were broken and tried to break you. It's a crime.

I think writing this letter and sharing it here with others is a wonderful first step for you in your healing journey. When you hold things inside, they eventually blow up in one way or another. I'm sure as a member of SI and reading here, you know you're not alone in the obstacles you've faced since your childhood. I hope that helps you to know that. None of us think you're blaming your parents for anything. We can love, honor, and respect our parents while still trying to process the hurts. It's an important step in not repeating all the mistakes or seeking out the same patterns. I think you've inspired many of us to write some letters!

That took guts to put that all down. Oh Lost, what an awful thing to go through.

(((lost))) & (((little lost)))

I cried when I read your letter. I also grew up in an abusive situation with my father emotionally, verbally and physically abusing me. I fought hard to defy what he said I was....stupid, never amount to anything, bad, lazy...ect. But I just recently admitted to myself how badly I wanted my mother, who was quiet and passive and was emotionally abused by him as well, to defend me.

I wish I would have gone to counseling sooner.....hopefully I haven't done too much damage to my own children. Though sadly I think they have issues from me protecting them too much.

Glad to see you recognize the cycle and are trying to break the chain.

You are strong and brave and worthy of love, protection and happiness.

Give little lost a hug from me and little RC80.

Thank you all for your kindness.

I actually have been talking with my IC alot lately about my childhood. It is helping me to process my experiences and not feel so alone. It's funny but five years ago I couldn't even admit that my parents were abusive.

I do not think they will ever really acknowledge what they did-and that is okay. I can heal on my own. Every time I try to talk to my Dad about his behavior he gets mad and yells. If I don't stop he will then storm up to his bedroom. Obviously, my Dad never grew up and does not have healthy coping skills.

I am alot like my Dad and it hurts to admit that. But I am becoming a healthier, stronger person. I do not have to let my past determine my future.

Hugs to all the children in us who were hurt and didn't feel loved.

(((lost333))

I read your letter and following posts.. So brave and insightful to be able to put into words. It hit home with me and I was proud of you that you wrote a letter to your parents. Even if they don't read or acknowledge, it's still important that you wrote it from the depths of your being.

I didn't endure all the type of abuse that you did although I definitely experienced more than a fair share of hitting by my parents, mainly my mom.

I can't shake the childhood memories of all those spankings with kitchen utensils, even as an adult wooden spoons and spatulas give me the chills. I was often told I was lucky it was not the belt. Was I supposed to thank them?

Your letter just reminded me of all the times I ran hiding from my mom out of fear. Finding a good spot for my younger brother to hide first and then scrambling to hide myself.

Good for you to work on this with your IC. Once I dig through some of my obvious issues, its something I too should discuss with mine. I don't have a good relationship with my mom due to how she treated me growing up. She doesn't understand how my fear as a child of her has affected how I see her as an adult.

Thank you for posting and sharing with us

I could have written much of your letter too. It's so sad, how many people were treated this way as children and have parents who are in complete denial of the level of abuse we suffered.

My dad used to make me go get him the belt he was going to use to beat me with. yeah, that was like walking the green mile.

I, too, am trying to break that cycle with my own kids. My parents were beaten as kids too, but that doesn't excuse their behavior. They were (are) also drug and alcohol abusers, even now still. Two of my brothers are now also alcoholic drug abusers. It's sad, how the cycle repeats. I just thank God that none of my siblings had kids.

I know my childhood abuse shaped my adult interactions. I know it has affected my relationships, my marriage, my outlook on life. It is deep seeded and I resent my parents for what they did to me and my brothers.

I am most sad that I don't have any memories from my life before I moved away at age 17 unless they are of beatings. None. I do remember certain things when family members will discuss them or show me photos, but I can't recall vacations we took, family reunions, school activities, birthdays, nothing.

I am proud of you Lost. It's a brave thing to face your demons head on, and even more so to put it out there for all to see. Hugs to you..

I know my childhood abuse shaped my adult interactions. I know it has affected my relationships, my marriage, my outlook on life.

Yes, this. ^^^^^^

It makes me so sad to see just how many of us are linked by this common thread. Gender does't seem to matter, the effects were the same. How do you let go....those of you who state that you have 'let it go'...how?

Apparently all these years that I THOUGHT I was 'my own person' and had separated that part of my life from my life today, the past year and a half has been a rude awakening to just how much I rugswept and the full extent of how the past and my dad still affect me as a 47 year old woman. How did I hide this from myself all these years, let alone others??

I have to find a way to start living MY life now and leave the past where it belongs. But God, where do you start when you can't really go to IC? Does anyone have any reading suggestions?

[This message edited by GullibleGirl at 8:56 PM, August 20th (Monday)]

A wonderful book about healing FOO issues is "Changing Course" by Claudia Black. That is the one I am reading now and it has been so helpful in delving into these issues.

Strength and kindness to you, GG.

Lost,

When I read your letter it scared me. I don't mistreat my daughter's. I've only spanked my oldest once (she was 3 at the time) but

i felt like a monster and never did it again.

But I do expect a lot from them, more than most parents, I think. It's because I have a responciblity to turn these children in a responcisble adult. So I make them accountbale for their actions.

Your words about the main emotion you remeber from your father was anger hit home. That is not what I want my kids to remeber about me. And I hope I add in as enough affection and caring as I do expectations.

You've inspired me to increase the smiles I give them.

Twitchy....just wanted to address this:

Your words about the main emotion you remeber from your father was anger hit home. That is not what I want my kids to remeber about me.

And say....KUDOS to you for recognizing that the feelings you were inspiring in you kids were unacceptable. So many times the parents do what they think is right, but they have damaged that child, and it may never go away for them. I definitely applaud you for being cognizant of your actions and wanting to build a healthy relationship with them.

Lost....I am going to hunt that book down as soon as I possibly can. Thank you so much for the suggestion!

twitchy-it is wonderful that you are aware of your impact on your children. I think expecting them to be responsible and teaching them values and lessons is very important. I think it is also important to explain (age appropriately and within reason) the reason behind the lesson. My Dad would never explain. It was always, "Because I said so".

I work with young children and we tell the parents that children often remember the hurtful/negative messages so for every criticism give 5 positive affirmations.

There is an exercise we do in one of our groups for parents called "taking stock". You put a candy in a bowl for every time this week you thanked the child, asked their opinion, gave them a choice, laughed with them, praised them, encouraged them, let them do something on their own. Then you take a candy out for everytime this week you told the child to stop doing something, asked the child to do something, yelled at the child, told the child not to do something, criticized the child for doing something, asked the child to go to their room, and asked the child what WERE they thinking?

It helps parents get an idea of how much negative versus positive feedback they give thier child on a weekly basis. Parents are usually surpised that they give so much negative.

This is beautiful. I did a double take at one point because part of it looked so much like a journal entry I wrote about my parents. Thank you for sharing, you are definitely not alone.