SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This topic has always been a hotspot for me. ABuse, violence does happen. My stomach always turns when I read so often, "not to worry about it because it rarely happens".

It happens. Not saying this should prevent you from informing the other BS but please don't think abuse can't happen when a spouse is informed about an affair.

Of course it happens, but using that study here is taking that information in the wrong direction. It was done from a pool of DV events, not a pool of infidelity events. If we were to run the same study here using the BH's that post on this site as a demographic I'd be stunned if infidelity as a DV event trigger was over 5%.

We say here that it rarely happens because what is most often the case is that the WW spins a tale of bullshit about an abusive husband in order to justify her situation, when in fact it really is very rarely the case here. I'm sure there are cases of that but the DV stories I read are about on par with the number of stories I read where the OM is abusing the WW.

In the end we caution people about this because the only real established fact about the AP's is that they are liars, whereas we often know nothing about the BS. If anyone should get the benefit of the doubt by default, it is not the established liar.

Yes, that study wasn't a study on first time abuse from infidelity.

We (as in the members of SI) are only a small part of all the people who infidelity affects. On this board violence rarely happens due to dday but it is probably higher overall if you could pull everyone affected by infidelity.

Interesting how the topic here focuses on the man being the abusive partner.

Women can also easily be the abusive one while the male is the victim.

And being hit by a woman can hurt as much as the other way around, especially if she knows martial arts or something too.

You don't know if a man who is jokingly referred to as henpecked or pussy-whipped in public is also the victim of abuse behind closed doors.

A lot of men due to the "men must be tough and tough it out on the own" cultural training may just as likely be afraid to seek help either though ridicule or even also worrying about retribution too.

Don't even get me started about emotional abuse and manipulation. My ex was a master in that department.

No, the sex of the abuser makes no difference, that is why academic reports use gender neutral terms.

PR

Forgot to add, I agree with the original poster.

The OW needs to deal with any consequences that arise from her actions or affair.

That includes her BH finding out regardless of how.

IMO if a violent BH was a concern, why was she fucking around on him, rather than leaving or escaping?

Don't buy it.

Ignore the PI, if you play with fire (ie: have an A), one day you may get burned (face any consequences).

PR

ETA: clarity

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 6:19 PM, August 17th (Friday)]

I agree that abuse goes both ways. The show "snapped" is often about very violent, abusive women. Lots of examples in the news also. Unfortunately way too many men probably do not report it.

So many posts and I am away with limited Internet access. Just to clarify,when I said I was not concerned about the OWs spouse being violent it wasn't that I didn't care that he might be violent. I do believe he is not a violent man. As much as don't like the OW I would never want her hurt or abused.

I do think the PI was too emotional and concerned. Not very professional. I was hiring him to deliver a letter. It wasn't his to judge me or my motives.

Sadly his actions made me trigger in a very bad way. It took me 4 months to get to this point to send the letter and today I felt hopeless.

Time for bed. Tomorrow I hope will be a better day.

Peace

A new day. I am going to find a new PI to deliver the letter. I did get the impression that this job hit a nerve with him. Yes, I do think he was a WS

OWH needs to know. I believe it will help me heal.

Thanks for all the input. SI has been a huge help in helping me work through this hell.

Peace

MOW's husband wasn't violent. Although, I was lead to believe by EX that he would be. That's why I naively didn't tell after the first A. I certainly did after the second.

A co-worker's friend was killed by her H in a murder-suicide upon finding out about her A. I'm sure it happens, but it's not you or the PI's responsibility to protect her from "what ifs". The truth needs to be told, period. You can't hide the truth because of some perceived response.

...and what EX put me through was certainly abuse. Just because he didn't hit me, doesn't mean that I don't have the scars of his lies and gaslighting.

If there is an abuser in a relationship, they are far more likely to be a WS. Just something about that abuser mindset of entitlement that makes it easier for them to cheat.

This is not saying that being a WS makes one prone to being an abuser. I want to make that clear because I am not interested in starting a flame war under a stop sign.

There is no doubt situations like these are complex - I disagree with some of what is written on this thread. But then I work in the DV area, so I'm particularly sensitive to the topic.

When a WS warns a BS away from revelation because of a possibly violent OBS, then the BS is right to be skeptical. After all lies are all part of the infidelity horror. When a PI expresses reservations then it is important to know whether they are basing that on information they've uncovered (possible violent history) or just their own discomfort. If its based on nothing more than their own discomfort then find another PI, as frustrating as that is. Giving the other BS truth and choices is a valid part of the process.

Tinysteps, I can certainly get how upsetting the PI's stance would be. But I don't know that it makes him unprofessional. Really it is an example of good boundaries - he knows what he is and isn't comfortable with and acts on it, regardless of payment. It makes him not the person for the job, but it doesn't make him unprofessional. I don't really like the thought that people override their values/comfort level for money, and yet I believe it happens all the time. Imagine if a desperate OW wanted to pay a PI to deliver a letter or photo to their AP - it would be great if the PI said 'I don't feel comfortable with that'. Any example of healthy boundaries is good IMO.

The OW needs to deal with any consequences that arise from her actions or affair.

That includes her BH finding out regardless of how.

Mostly, as a BS myself I know the rage and ill-wishes that I have for the OW in my situation. Still I wouldn't be comfortable (if there was a real risk uncovered and not just an imagined one) putting a woman's physical safety at risk. In fact I've seen threads by WS's here on SI where their partner has behaved violently and the overwhelming response has been, even given the WS's cheating behavior, it is NOT ok. Hence I can't see any potential violence as just part of the consequences she should accept. At all.

[This message edited by Akire at 5:29 PM, August 18th (Saturday)]

Here's my opinion for what it's worth.... physical violence/assault is never okay! However, affairs have consequences and we cannot predict how someone will react. I don't feel it's my problem or responsibility if a BS lashes out. I don't want to see anyone physically abused... but perhaps they should have considered that possibility before they chose to have affair. When you chose the behavior, you chose the consequence. I wouldn't concern myself with whether the BS will lash out... that is entirely the WS's problem. It may sound harsh... but us BS's have enough to worry about after infidelity... I'm not spending my time worrying about a person that stepped inside my marriage.. JMHO

I wouldnt worry about the other betrayed spouse's reaction. She made her bed, let her sleep in it. The pi/ summons dude should be fired and or reported. No excuse, he should do his job. He must've got there and realized he knew them, or something. Regardless, he should've done his job. And the other betrayed spouse has the right to the information. If he breaks the law , he should go to jail.

When I met with the PI I asked him if he knew them. He stated he did not. I think he should have qualified what I needed before he took my letter and his fee. Now I have to meet with him again. He also said something wholly inappropriate along the lines of maybe OW "did things sexually" for my H. Hence the reason for the

A. He deserves a smack upside the head for that

It would seem to me that a PI would have seen it all. I'm sorry but I don't think there is much of a highroad here.

Don't they find the very worst in people and then present it to the client? Lets say a spouse hires him to investigate their spouse and the Pi finds infidelity. It is possible that the client spouse could become violent. Would he then feel responsible if the info he provided caused the violence?

I am going to qualify the next server. Fully.

Peace