SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think this is a very tough issue.

I dated quite a bit in the six years since my D and although many experts recommend not talking about the reasons for divorce, it always seemed like the subject came up in the first date. Like many others, I always made light of the cheating. I didn't get along with his girlfriend was perfect!

I met my current SO a little over a year ago, having been introduced several years ago by his sister who is a very close friend. This time, I decided, after a very similar discussion on SI, that I wasn't going to get into infidelity as the reason for the D - at least on the first date or so. For me, it was important to establish connections on other levels. He actually brought up the subject after a few weeks because his sister let him know my history.

I agree with being honest about the reasons for the divorce, as well as not appearing to be a victim. For me, it worked to lay the foundation for the relationship a little more solidly before sharing this information.

I didn't date for over four years after my d, but have been seeing a man for about three months now.

I didn't candy coat what happened. Not at all. I told him my ex cheated and when I found out, I exited the marriage immediately. I told him cheating is a deal-breaker for me. It always has been and always will be.

I find it that saying She cheated on me and I ended it after that will close all the questions. If you don't tell them the truth they will be so curious and that's what killed the cat! right?

I'm still in the awkward part of over sharing with strangers (and NOT dating)... Fortunately these strangers mostly get where I'm coming from "Girl! You know it. My ex did blah blah blah." But then, these are mostly people Im having to deal with because of my ex. As in

"Hi! My ex shut off my power & water. I need to get them turned back on. And a note made to my account not to shut off, or move payment to another account, unless Im in the office with picture ID."

Which starts the D'd people dealing with nonsense rants.

Or back in the hospital because he's hurt out son, again, and half shouting/half crying at the social worker (who is as powerless as I am).

So to ME... That advice is half right:

Don't be crazy. If you're still in crazy, don't date.

However,

When the divorce is "at fault" (regardless of the pansy state one might live in that sees all divorces as equal)... Whether that's adultery, abuse, or addiction... My belief is that the only "part" the victim plays is in deciding to leave.

Personally, I just play the high card when it comes up.

He fractured my skull.

Or simply say abuse.

Bringing up all the OTHER stuff, is unnecessary.

Not playing the victim

But stuck in the pain & hurt of the past.

Everytime I unload, the CLEAREST thing I hear myself saying (not out loud, but in theme) is

"I'm damaged goods."

Bad juju

Target for predators & KISAs who won't like you when you're better.

Warning sign for normal folk (or should be).

Which is why my NB is going to be alone for a LONG time

So that advice is weird to me. Great for a no fault divorce, I guess. Great for the general idea of not living in crazy town while dating. But bad juju for those who were victimized. Because "your part" would only be sick.

He fractured my skull. = No bueno

He fractured my skull because I = sick

He cheated = no bueno

He cheated because I = sick

For the casual person who asks what happened? my answer is "we had a difference of religious opinion. He thought he was God, I disagreed."

I love, love, love the line "I didn't like his girlfriend." I think I might change it to "his girlfriend didn't like me."

My NB is going to be a solo flight for awhile.