SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I still really love my husband and I don't want a divorce.

Yes, I was the one who got myself into a very bad situation. I am the one who didn't have the strength to say no, embody it, and protect my marriage. I know why it happened-- it has so much to do with my childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and poor boundaries. As much as I didn't want it to happen, as much as I said no, it still happened on that dark evening after a few too many drinks. My guilt consumes me.

We worked on it for a while. My husband knows about my CSA, he knows that this AP was a perpetrator. He's even a counselor! But he just couldn't do it anymore. He was in too much pain and started to lose motivation to work on the marriage. Despite my utter apologies, initiatives to save our marriage, and wholehearted dedication to healing myself, he couldn't look at me without calling me something horrible. I told him in May, we broke up in July, I came home in August celebrated our anniversary in November, discussed having another baby and he left in December. He filed in January and I cried every day from December to now

I watched his pain unfold. I cried with him from May to December. I took as much as I could and supported every breakdown moment we had. I still give that man all the love in my heart but it's just not enough. I cannot change what happened. I regret it everyday and I am sure many believe that is my penance. I just don't know how I will ever get over the fact that I love my husband with all my heart. He will hardly look at me. He lashes out at me every chance he gets and I take it. He filed for divorce and was angry with me getting child support.

I don't know what I could ever do to reconcile. I love him with all my heart and made a terrible mistake that cost us our happiness. Any suggestions?

[This message edited by ladypersephone at 9:47 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

Firstly I am sorry about your CSA, I will not team you for that, it is obvious you have had a lot of trauma in your life. I will gently say that while the CSA may have had something to do with your internal dysfunction, you still consciously chose to cheat many years after the fact. I know many women irl who suffered horrendous CSA and never chose to cheat on their spouses. Something inside you is very broken and you need to own it by first owning that you chose to cheat of your own free will.

You could not predict the outcome of your A, or your BH's reaction. It is his choice to stay or go.

Right now you need to truely work on you. Fixing any issues you have. Get into counseling ASAP. Don't focus on you M, focusing on working on fixing your moral compass. True change is the only chance for you to R. But go into it knowing you may not get a chance to R with your BH.

(((lady)))

No 2x4s here. I'm certainly not qualified to give them.

There are a lot of folks who end up here in D/S who didn't want to be here - heck, I don't think any of us wanted to be here. But many struggle with divorce and don't have a lot of choice in the matter.

I know it's tough, but for now, you have to focus on moving forward - learning from this, growing from it, making the most of a place you never expected to be. Keep taking it one day at a time, and take care of yourself in healthy ways.

My story sounds a whole lot like yours and I'm currently going through the same exact motions and panicking as well. Feel free to inbox me-I'd love to talk!

When D-day hit, I gave my ex a chance to stay and work on it. But he had to agree to get help for his own issues (he is a very broken person) and then we would get MC and I would *see* if I could forgive him. Because on D-day, I wasn't sure if I could. I was willing to try but that didn't mean I wouldn't ultimately decide that his cheating was a deal breaker for me. He walked...so I never had the chance to see if I could forgive him.

From what you have written, it sounds like your BS has decided that this is a deal breaker for him. He is allowed to decide this and no amount of begging or remorse on your part will change that if it is a dealbreaker for him.

So, it's time to take a different tack. Time to face the demons from your past. Time to learn how to make good boundaries for yourself. Time to get healthy and be the best mom for your kids that you can be. Be a good co-parent. Find yourself and love yourself. Even though this marriage is ending, you have a chance to learn and grow in a positive direction.

I'm sorry for your pain (((ladypersephone)))

Yes, I was the one who got myself into a very bad situation. I am the one who didn't have the strength to say no, embody it, and protect my marriage. I know why it happened-- it has so much to do with my childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and poor boundaries. As much as I didn't want it to happen, as much as I said no, it still happened on that dark evening after a few too many drinks.

My STBX (a NPD sex addict) has said these exact things to me countless times. I guess what I find dishonest about your post is that you blame everything except yourself. You blame your childhood sexual abuse, your excessive drinking, and the other man (you imply you were weak, he was strong, a "perpetrator" in your words).

I'll be frank: you're not being honest with yourself, your STBX, or us.

You made a series of bad decisions that led to this. And now you and your STBX are locked into a very destructive dance of co-dependency even though you're divorcing. My only advice is to get professional help to work through your issues so you can accept accountability and move forward in a more healthy way.

How bout giving him what you just wrote here. Sounds to me like it comes from the heart.

The only thing I've ever dreamed for two years was my WW telling me something like what you just wrote. It's the loneliest feeling as a BS not to ever hear that.

TOUGH!!!

Guess what? When I was 5, I grown man down the street invited me over to his house to show me the cute baby kittens his cat had the night before. Awwww. After that, my life became hell for YEARS! I became an almost daily sexual abuse victim but not with one person (he had friends! :D lucky me ) . I'm sorry....I almost could have followed your story IF it didn't start with the REASON you could NOT help the fact that you had to CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU cheated on your husband.

Knock yourself out all you want trying to come up with a better excuse but it's YOUR FAULT. YOUR SCREWED AROUND. Admit it, Own it, Live with it.

OR .... (hahahaha) you can say that someone screwed you when you were 7 so you can't help yourself and you have to cheat on people and act like a girl who sleeps with everyone.

Either / Or

You're a mad hatter. When did his affair(s) occur.

It's very important that you out things into perspective.

Mad-hatterdom can be very confusing. You are both to blame for putting your marriage at risk.

My advice would be to continue working on yourself to regain your self respect and integrity. Divorce doesn't negate the necessity to heal your wayward tendencies. Focus on yourself and you will get through this.

It's the loneliest feeling as a BS not to ever hear that.

@ SeanFLA, No friend - the loneliest feeling as a BS is to hear this and have them do it all again.

ladypersephone, Read tesla's words.

This was a dealbreaker for me but I still want monster to get healthy so my girls don't continue to be fucked up by his brokenness.

Guilt will get you nowhere - self loathing is what led you into this mess. Self loathing does no-one any good - not you, not your H.

My suggestion is reconciliation should be the last thing on your agenda. You need to recover. Reconcile with yourself. Get healthy. Start living your life authentically.

Keep digging. Whether or not your M survives if you don't fix this YOU will be in this place over and over again.

Get healthy for you - not to save your M or to get your husband back.

There is not a single thing in this world you can do to make this NOT a dealbreaker for him. Whether or not it is a dealbreaker is about him, not you.

Its also not the level of hideous of a betrayal that dictates whether or not it is a dealbreaker. monsters betrayals were plain, garden variety MLC vanilla. It was still a dealbreaker for me full stop. Remorse or no remorse. Whether he got healthy or not.

I didn't want it to be and raged against it but to no avail - still a dealbreaker. Nothing to do with him - everything to do with me. It is how I am built.

I was molested the first time in my 5th year of life. My uncle did it. When my nana died he showed up in a wheelchair and everyone was delighted! Except me. I remembered. I remember the pajamas I had on. They were brand new. I was adorable. Not anymore though. When I realized who that man was I went directly to him and introduced myself. All my aunts told me to shut up and don't start.

I've been molested by my stepfather. I have had men use me for nothing more than a blow job. I've seen my mother beaten time and time again. By the same man that I told her molested me. He denied, she believed.

So. You tell me what would make it okay for me to be a cheater, liar, cruel, monster.

Go take care of yourself. That's your priority.

When I hear someone blame their past or their whatever it infuriates me. If something is done to you that is wrong you know it's wrong to have it done to you. It does not give you a free pass to do the same. It gives you insight to never hurt another. Hopefully.

@choosing hope,

My only advice is to get professional help to work through your issues so you can accept accountability and move forward in a more healthy way.

I start out my post by saying exactly why it happened. I am not grasping at excuses. Just being real about why my decision making was skewed. I take responsibility for my actions and have from the beginning. But the truth is that I said no. I was weak and didn't embody it. Sorry your ex is NPD but I have been tested and do not have NPD. I am truly remorseful and hate what is happening to my family because of it.

@reeling but Healing,

'm sorry....I almost could have followed your story IF it didn't start with the REASON you could NOT help the fact that you had to CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND.

OR .... (hahahaha) you can say that someone screwed you when you were 7 so you can't help yourself and you have to cheat on people and act like a girl who sleeps with everyone.

Either / Or

With all due respect, I think your logic it very black and white and your either/or logic is quite obtuse. I didn't say that I couldn't help myself... I said I understand WHY I did it from my broken down self. I am admitting to my fuck up and that my moral fabric was a mess because of the CSA. I am in IC for finding myself, my voice and I have taken full responsibility for what I did. I live with it clearly everyday. Your statement about sleeping around (which I don't-- it happened once) is abusive and I do not accept it.

I appreciate the value of what you all are saying. I am as honest as I can be and in the process of digging deep to heal. I hear the dealbreaker statement. I hate it. He cheated on me and I forgave him. I guess our forgiveness is different.

[This message edited by ladypersephone at 5:38 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

@Curiouswiz,

When I hear someone blame their past or their whatever it infuriates me. If something is done to you that is wrong you know it's wrong to have it done to you. It does not give you a free pass to do the same. It gives you insight to never hurt another. Hopefully.

I am sorry for your past. It really is a horrible thing that happened to you. And, as you know, it is not unusual for it to happen to you more than once in your life.

That said, I did not go out looking for the opportunity to hurt my husband. I loved him with all of my heart and we were planning to have another baby at the time. I didn't want to destroy our marriage. I am not blaming my CSA for what I did. My moral fabric was destroyed early on and that is how I could have done such as horrible thing. Would you prefer I just said I am a horrible person? Trust me, I do enough of that without anyone's help.

The AP kissed me, I said, "Oh, no." He pushed me down on a bed anyway, then, I froze. I made some horrible decisions. Truly horrible. The worst was allowing it to continue. I made that bed and made a conscious decision to tell my husband what happened. I am sick about it. Absolutely sick. I could have never said anything. And that is because I have a conscience and wanted an authentic life worth healing.

I understand that many of you are really hurt. I was hurt when my husband cheated. It was awful and I not even supposed to label myself as a BS because I am a madd hatter. But I knew that he loved me and that the sexual encounter was no where near the same thing that he and I shared. I understood how it could happen and forgave him. I guess we are different in that way.....

here's the problem ladyp. you say you were assaulted but you don't explain how. If you really were, why not go to the police?

Then, you went back a second time, said he kept kissing you. So what, you decide to have sex with him?

What actually happened? Did you give him oral in the bar? Then what happened the next time? You end up in his bedroom?

You see, you're minimizing so you can feel good about yourself. Understandable, you're feeling miserable. But, you're not telling the whole story. Just saying, "I was a victim of CSA, etc." You're trying to give yourself excuses. If that was an excuse, why didn't you cheat the first ten years of your marriage?

See? people's bullshit meter is being pegged.

It seems like you are trying to get sympathy. Which is fine if that's what you want.

But maybe you should be listening to the people in the Wayward section. They've been where you are, and they are trying to heal themselves.

btw - your husband did not cheat on you, so you should stop trying to compare his action to yours and say, "I can forgive him, he can't forgive me. I guess we're different."

He already separated and said he was going to file for divorce. What he does after that is not cheating. Cheating occurs when you are in a relationship and doing something behind your spouse's back. He moved out. He let you know it's over. He may be being immature, but he's not cheating.

Mike 7

btw - your husband did not cheat on you, so you should stop trying to compare his action to yours and say, "I can forgive him, he can't forgive me. I guess we're different."

He already separated and said he was going to file for divorce. What he does after that is not cheating. Cheating occurs when you are in a relationship and doing something behind your spouse's back. He moved out. He let you know it's over. He may be being immature, but he's not cheating.

I don't know who you are saying that he didn't cheat, but he did. We were together at that time and it was a ONS and we were in MC at the time. Yes, it was an RA. So that makes it better? Come on!

No, I did not blow him in the bar. That is offensive and you don't know me at all.

you said your husband called you a bar whore. why that?

again, you have still not said how you were assaulted? you became indignant when questioned about it.

and how did you end up in a bedroom the second time?

you are minimizing.

you're trying to say that your husband is just as much at fault as you. not true. if you believe that, you're kidding yourself. An RA is immature, but you need to realize that you started the ball rolling.

mike7,

Please post respectfully or remove yourself from this thread.

Mike7- completely out of line. Yes, she may be minimizing a little but by no means is his RA's not considered cheating. Until that divorce decree is finalized an affair is an affair. Two wrongs don't make a right. And obviously he wasn't completely out the door bc they were in MC...you can't be in limbo and hook up with another person and say its not cheating. Give me a break.

Until that divorce decree is finalized an affair is an affair.

Whoa! 2 x 4 here.

This statement is not true, and any divorce attorney will tell you this.

I've been separated for 18 months now, and if I was ready to go on a date, I would certainly move ahead and do so. Because it's morally and ethically and legally okay to do so at this point. I would feel absolutely no moral ambiguity.