SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

$1000 on our 9 dates combined.

By Chicago standards, you got away cheap.

It's all relative.

but she never took her profile down and told me that she would keep her options open

I thought she might be the last person I dated, so I overdid the spending.

Ahem ...

(((OAIL)))

It hurts. I know.

OAIL,

Gently, you need a friend who is a girl. She'll warn you about the bad apples.

So...did SHE pay for anything?

I always offer to pay the second date. He paid for the first, I should pay for the second.

I guess you should read the "why men like bitches" and use it for yourself. Basically, when you don't like something going on (i.e....still has her profile up), then YOU stop dating HER. Don't compromise on what you DESERVE.

Not only do you protect your boundaries with this attitude, you show that you are worth it. If you value your boundaries, other people (that are worth it) will too. If someone doesn't respect your boundary, then you know you have a problem. Either they aren't ready to date, or are in a different stage of healing...or a manipulative, controlling, spoiled person.

but she never took her profile down and told me that she would keep her options open

I thought she might be the last person I dated, so I overdid the spending.

Ahem ...

Damn. Guess I had my head in the clouds. We dated often, the making out was heavy, the dates were many hours (one was an all day date), so it was hard to imagine she could also be taking someone else seriously.

BUT, she was still entertaining others. I never was comfortable with that. As some of you have said, it's a matter of defining boundaries. Or, as I've been calling it, maintaining my dignity.

cmego, she offered to pay for movie tickets once, and fast food lunch on our all day date. I insisted on paying myself. Should have let her, even though it was a drop in the bucket, just to send the signal that I do appreciate receiving now and then myself.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 6:49 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

OAIL, there's an epic post by wincing_at_light over in Betrayed Men- Part 9. Give him a read.

Always love WAL's posts. Feel like I've been scrubbed clean by sandpaper every time (but in a good way )

I think he wrote this line for me:

And for the love of God, always remember that you know yourself better than anybody you're married to/dating/in a relationship with. If they're full of shit, trust yourself well enough to acknowledge that they're full of shit

I've got to burn that one into my veins. Thanks for pointing it out, LF

I agree with everything written here - you dodged a bullet from a master manipulator.

I wasn't dating anyone else, but she never took her profile down and told me that she would keep her options open until we were committed to each other. For her, exclusivity and commitment go hand in hand, and happen at the same time. Me, I become exclusive immediately when I am attracted to someone. It was a little hard for me to think that she was casually dating others, even though she was kissing me passionately on our dates.

I just don't get her - what the hell does she mean by commitment, if not exclusivity? Was she looking for a proposal?! Never gonna happen when she's dating other people!!! Sounds to me like she was trying to fast-forward you big time.

Also, she's turned OFF by your "lack of experience?!" Personally, I don't think a long term marriage with kids equates to lack of experience. Lack of multiple partners, yes, but I just don't think that's a bad thing.

OIAL, you deserve someone that will care for you and take care of you in the same ways that you do for them. Don't lose heart - there are lots of caring women out there.

Edited to fix grammar oops!

[This message edited by kernel at 8:04 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

OIAL,

I don't know how old your kids are.

When XH left, I told myself that my rule of dating and kids was NOONE meets my kids till we are dating for 6 months.

And I held true to that. My kids knew I was dating, they knew his name, but they didn't meet him as my BF until the 6 month mark. That relationship lasted 8 years and ended last year.

I might keep that rule, although my kids are now young adults...and moving on with their own lives at this point. They are not as dependent on me as they were then.

But I still will not introduce a SO until the relationship is exclusive for a period of time and I feel comfortable with it enough to bring my kids into it.

That is the crux of it... YOU know your kids best.... no one should pit your wishes against what you know to be right for your kids.

Those other men she dated who brought her around their kids.... probably didn't have as strong a boundary as you did. And they didn't protect their kids from her leaving.

You are to be commended for not bringing her around your kids.

Hugs,

K

I'm so sorry OIAL, you deserve better. But I agree with most of what I've read so far - you take the time you need for your kids.

I've been dating someone for almost six months - exclusive but no discussion of me meeting his kids yet. And I respect it. Its only been a year since the D was final - the kids are a most important part of the equation in my opinion, and you do not rush that.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:20 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

Kudos!!! As a mum I'm so proud of you!!! So many people ditch their kids' best interest for a little shazaam, or out of fear of losing someone better gone, etc.

In my own life... You know how people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime?

That's the kind of thing that happens to me. ALMOST perfect storm reason, so that I can be cool/calm/practiced/strong exactly when I need to be later.

To me, her psych doesn't matter.

What matters is that presented with a hard decision, you flailed a bit the first time... But now? Every time thereafter you'll be solid.

Kids first.

Tempered. Tested. True.

Good dad award.

To alter one of my favorite poems:

Libidos & lonliness

can be sorted tomorrow,

"But children grow up

As Ive learned to my sorrow"

CC

t/j

Ladies_first, I have missed your posts.

End t/j

A professional dater is good at detaching with minimal pain. Easy to "NEXT" a guy if you blameshift, "We didn't work out cuz you're not ready."

So true.

Once--

I agree with many here--the "sweep off my feet" is a very immature attitude towards relationships. Wouldn't it be better to fall gently in love with someone a little bit more each day?

Let me tell you a little story about my GDM. For what it is worth, I am the first person he dated after his divorce, and we are coming up on three years. Did I have some trepidation about that? Yes, I did. But I thought he would be worth the risk and he is.

When we were first dating and in that giddy stage, he had to drive a couple of hours and pick up his daughter and drive back. So he asked my opinion about telling her about me. I advised against it--it was too soon and I worried about the family dynamics (the daughter telling her brothers, one of which is estranged from his father over the divorce). I suggested instead he tell her (if anything) he had started thinking about dating/having a social life. I suggested that because if we were eventually to meet, she would have had some time to get used to the idea. My goal was (even though it was early) to be sensitive to his kids' (all college-age and beyond) feelings and understand that maybe change could come in small stages.

He hadn't thought of it that way, held off that time (although he had a CD I had burned for him and played it for her and she remarked that he "never" had something like that before. It was a recording of the group I sing with, and he told her that a friend sang in the group--she put two and two together).

Also, GDM and I never did fancy dates when we were first getting to know each other. We would go for walks or have dinner at home. I would make him the occasional CD. We are still that way, although we do exchange gifts and such.

I think you are coming out of this experience stronger and more positive. I have met you--you have a lot going for you. There is someone out there who will recognize and appreciate that. It wasn't this woman.

Cat

Thank you all, again. Maybe I've given more than I've received in the dating world, but the complete opposite is true here on SI.

The mind fuck for me is that she was so affectionate. The makeout sessions were amazing, she would tell me how she's falling for me, that my smile was "electric," talk about things we might do in the coming summer. I bonded, and became invested.

Her affections had much less behind them than I realized. That's the sting. Shoulda known. She was multi-dating. I will *so* never let that happen again. I'm going to make my boundaries my mantra until they're baked in well and good.

Of course, I'm frustrated. I was fantasizing big time; the bus was slowing down and I could start to taste it. But now it's full speed on the highway again. So... gonna grab myself a nice cold one, a good fat book with no romance, and settle in for a long, maybe endless ride...

OIAL, you dodged the bullet with this one.

So....will you sit next to me on the Bus? At least you've HAD a date and I can live vicariously through you..

Dates are like Sasquatches. Reported but never really seen.

k9

The mind fuck for me is that she was so affectionate.

My inability to distinguish affection from true feeling is what landed me with an emotional abuser. My XH was very affectionate. I thought it meant he loved me. It was just the opposite. This does not detract from my enjoyment of affection, but now I know that there needs to be more.

My inability to distinguish affection from true feeling is what landed me with an emotional abuser.

How do you distinguish? In my case, the multi-dating was an indicator, as was her refusal to try to understand my boundaries around my kids. But without those things, I would have been even more clueless.

I'm going to weigh in on the affection thing, OIAL.

I think you did pick up on this, but her witholding affection when things did not go her way concerned me.

If she was using affection as part of a self-serving reward system, that is probably not good

Wolf

There isn't much I can add that hasn't already been said, but as a mother of three, I COMPLETELY agree with your decision and totally understand it.

She is lumping exclusivity and meeting children into the same timeframe, and that is just INSANE.