SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think it is called "future faking". You've only been on 9 dates and not exclusive? Why the hell would she be talking future?

These things become easier to spot with more dating. Not just first dates, but the kinda dating you were doing with her. You can spot the "fakers" better, or your BS meter picks it up faster.

I've learned to not question every tiny thing, but look at it in a "bigger picture". I am concerned about something Ginger (new guy) said, but I"m not going to question him about it. It isn't time. I'm going to tuck it in the back of my head and leave it there. The "big picture" will give me the answer when it is time.

So, just watch actions/words, know when things aren't adding up, there is a problem. Look for patterns in behavior.

At some level, she did like you and was attracted to you. What happened after that was her issues, not yours. Also, my WS was like that, so it is easier to spot, that blame shifting where you doubt yourself.

I firmly believe when the right person comes along, it will simply be fairly easy. No questioning, no mind games, no demands. It just happens.

Try to find the positive, learn the lesson you needed to learn from her, and go back out there and date. Your "picker" is getting better, you had chemistry!!

OIAL-

Great advice here. It seemed like she was using you: drawing you in with affection, accepting lavish dates, and then blaming YOU for the reason she was dating others. She used "meeting your kids" as the reason. If it wasn't the kids, it would be something else. Good for you not to fall into the trap!

But you did learn something valuable: you are capable of a relationship. I believe what other posters have said: the floodgates now will open for you.

One thing I suggest: break it off with her. Don't wait for her to break it off with you. "After last night I think we both realize we are at an impasse. I enjoyed the time we spent together immensely. I wish you luck on your continued journey".

It's time to move on. You, indeed, dodged a bullet. Take control. Your feelings matter too; not just hers. By initiating the ending of this relationship you are not only showing her the importance of your beliefs, you will also respect yourself more.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 12:17 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

She used "meeting your kids" as the reason. If it wasn't the kids, it would be something else.

Do you mean that she was never wanting to get into a relationship, period? I have trouble understanding that. Why else would she be dating? Just for the free meals, some kissy kissy and ego boosts? Do people do that???

I think she wants to be swept off her feet by a fearless man, who without hesitation takes her off into her new life. A grand new beginning.

I'm letting it wither on the vine, along with my dick (oh, excuse me). She certainly likes the man to pursue, so that's likely the end of it. After my email, she only said that email was a poor forum for that sort of discussion (which I agree with), but that she was open to discussing anything.

Thing is, I made it clear I wanted a relationship. She made it clear on our last date that that won't happen unless she's part of my whole life, her rationale being that otherwise I wasn't "all in."

There was no give. Email may have been the wrong forum, but it was my last appeal. If she had anything invested and she was at all open to rethinking her stance, then the least she could have done was minimally acknowledge my feelings and state that she might reconsider.

But no, too little. I'm not accepting crumbs. There's a new boundary item for my list.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 12:38 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

You did the right thing. I refused to introduce my DS8 to my WH#2 until we had been together 6 months. we started to exclusively date after a few dates, but I told him then that he could not be at my house during the week and every other weekend. It was my free weekend and a Sunday when it started to snow. We had been dating a few months at that time and he was at my house. XWH#1 decides to drive my son home on Sunday night instead of Monday to school because of the weather. Right!!! I made WH#2 leave in the snow storm because idiot wanted his time to play, he didn't work and there would have been no school. He just did it so I would have to miss work and stay home with my son. Anyway it took my WH#2 6 hours to get home. We lived about an hour from each other at the time. He never complained and said he understood why he had to leave, that my kids came first. This is the way it should be and don't let anyone tell you different. If they do, they are not worth your time or your kids time. Good luck and cheer up, she just wasn't the right one. She is still out there and hopefully yu will find her before long. ((HUGS))

Edit: Sorry I also wanted to add that next time you start getting these feelings after a date or two, let the woman know how you feel about it then. That way if she had objections you don't have so much time and money invested in the person and can move on without regret.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 12:51 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

Do you mean that she was never wanting to get into a relationship, period? I have trouble understanding that. Why else would she be dating? Just for the free meals, some kissy kissy and ego boosts? Do people do that???

Yes.

Do you mean that she was never wanting to get into a relationship, period? I have trouble understanding that. Why else would she be dating? Just for the free meals, some kissy kissy and ego boosts? Do people do that???

Oh yes! I know plenty of woman who do this, unfortunately. I still think she found an "excuse" where she can blame you for the fact she 'has' to continue to multi-date. She gets the best of both worlds.

I think she wants to be swept off her feet by a fearless man, who without hesitation takes her off into her new life. A grand new beginning.

Maybe, maybe not. Come on? It took 9 dates and 6 weeks to figure out you were not this man? No, I doubt it; she knew this early on. You were willing to wine, dine and entertain her in exchange for some kissy, kissy. She was a willing participant.

Next.

She said on the first date that she's not interested in dating guy after guy, that she's looking for a long term relationship. If you're right, Happily Unmarried, then she was either lying through her teeth or utterly lacking in self-awareness.

Well, the good thing is that with this new day, answers to these sorts of questions matter less, except as a learning experience.

I have only read the first page of this thread for now.

You, sir, have just dodged a bullet, in my opinion.

This lady, for all that you thought was perfect for you, is not. How self-centered she must be! To pout and act this way because you are protecting your children from future hurts? Wow.

It's not like you told her she would be a secret for the entire time of your relationship, for God's sake. You just asked for a decent amount of time to make sure things would work out before bringing your kids into it.

You are a really good dad and I admire that you did not back down.

[This message edited by cissi at 3:07 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

It is about what people do, not what they say. People lie alot. Take a look at the forum we are on ... all due to those who lied to us (a lot in most cases!). This is a person you hardley know, so yes, she was probably lying through her teeth. And if you look at her actions, she didnt want to date just one person, she couldn't even hide her profile and give you her undevided attention for a whole 6 weeks. My SO hid his profile after our second date. He still wasn't sure (because how much do we really know after 2 dates!) but he was willing to give me his undivided attention, because he was interested enough. Some of the other guys I went out with didn't, and they were not really looking for someone exclusive. I am not saying that is what it means for everyone, and sometimes you may not be the right person for someone else and they may just be keeping options open.

As for her withholding attention because you didn't want to introduce your kids to her for a while .... take note, this is how she is going to act EVERY time she does not get her way, irregardless of how YOU feel about the situation or what it means to you. That is controlling and can progress to being emotionally abusive. If you would have given in to this request after these reactions you could be assured you would see this reaction frequentally.

I think enough have addressed the whole "swept off her feet" ... very immature!! And congratuilations for standing your ground with meeting your kids. She should just respect your wishes, especially when it comes to your kids!

You will find someone so much better! congrat's on taking the step and getting involved. It can hurt, but when it is good, things can be wonderful so hang in there!!!

((OIAL))

She talked about "falling" for you and said your smile was "electric" and she wants to be swept off her feet?

This chick reads too many romance novels or something.

I'd be scared to death to get hooked up with someone who needed that much in the way of sparkly rainbows. What would happen when it all wore off and she was picking up your dirty socks. Or catching one of your kids rolling their eyes at her? She'd be wiggling out.

This chick doesn't live in the real world.

Being in a relationship with her would have been a nightmare of the hugest proportions.

Well, I told her I was falling for her as well. Gloppy language, I know. I can get pretty sappy

It's okay to be sappy.

As long as you're authentic and true to yourself.

You're a good man and a good dad. Now that you dodged a bullet , the universe will open up and bring the woman of your dreams... she's been looking for you!

Here's some advice from one of those kids movies...

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

OIAL,

What I have to say is that I hoped you enjoyed some of the sexy time with her.

It sounds like you kinda got swept off your feet too! I have been there. We get lonely, a beautiful woman comes along, shows interest and affection; has kind words and boom....next thing ya know....your making out.

Don't beat yourself up for enjoying what we all enjoy...affection, ego strokes,etc.

She was enjoying all the attention. Sometimes these people live in that fantasy world of their own. They create fantasy situations.

Anyway, it sounds like you learned something. Dust yourself off and carry on.

OIAL,

What I have to say is that I hoped you enjoyed some of the sexy time with her.

It sounds like you kinda got swept off your feet too! I have been there. We get lonely, a beautiful woman comes along, shows interest and affection; has kind words and boom....next thing ya know....your making out.

Don't beat yourself up for enjoying what we all enjoy...affection, ego strokes,etc.

She was enjoying all the attention. Sometimes these people live in that fantasy world of their own. They create fantasy situations.

Anyway, it sounds like you learned something. Dust yourself off and carry on.

P.S. Let that be a lesson to you; trying keep this from us SIers....just kidding!

As far as her liking a man to pursue the woman, it only works if the woman respects the man. And she clearly did not respect you or even try to understand you.

She is confusing dating exclusively in order to nurture a budding relationship and being in a full blown committed relationship. She wants to skip a step.

It's so annoying when someone refuses to understand the plain english you are speaking and instead blathers some pop psychology analysis of your readiness. She is the one that is obviously not ready. Not ready to be exclusive. Not ready to be moving towards a real relationship. Not ready to listen to another person's needs.

Well I want to applaud you for getting through 9 dates with one woman you felt excited about. You are making progress, but I'm sure this hurts like hell and is a huge disappointment. Big hugs.

OIAL, as we have learned in this forum, many people date for the wrong reason.

Clearly, she is too. Maybe she likes the attention, the money, reeling men in, the ego kibbles, or she has a broken heart that hasn't healed.

The biggest problem? You were listening to her words and not paying attention to her ACTIONS. Her actions showed you the answer, she wasn't invested the same you were.

What her moral, psychological, FOO reasons are, is a mystery. WHY people do this is a mystery. The simple fact is...well, they DO.

Now you have experience in this problem that we all discuss on here. Actions and words not meeting. Now you can spot this behavior earlier. Or, when the actions and words suddenly don't meet, I'd say, in my experience, about 3 to 4 dates in is when I've noticed it.

So, at what point did you notice things were "off"? Are you at the point that you can go back and figure it out?

BTW, you need to end it with her. You need to put the nail into the coffin for your own sake. Do not let it wither and die, end it. You will feel so much stronger for taking the control back instead of hoping it ends differently. YOU need closure, and you need to be the one that closes the door.

[This message edited by cmego at 7:52 AM, March 8th (Friday)]

OIAL, definitely dodged a bullet.

Just a quick comment. Not all "players" are men.

Strength.

There are some aspects of this that I see differently - perhaps due to my own experiences. Admittedly, I haven't read all the responses but what stands out clearly to me is two people using different methods to protect their hearts.

My first serious relationship after my divorce burned me in a way that I can relate to your GF. It was long, it was serious, it was exclusive. His overnights eventually turned in to living with me - though he never actually gave up his own place. It even reached a point where an engagement ring was bought. But month after month, there was no formal proposal...he was always "waiting for the perfect time". Several months later I called it off, told him he needed to go home, stopped all the sex, and suggested that we date other people. And I did see other people, which he seemed to be fine with. Until I actually started to *really* see one person (my current H.) more often - at which point XBF then proposed. It was a blessing for how things had happened because I said NO - and was absolutely sure about that.

The point being - it changed how I behaved in my relationships forward. I liked one guy (my now H.) very much; it was no doubt who I wanted to spend time with. But I also forced myself to date other people specifically for the purpose of not getting too serious in the relationship until I absolutely knew he was willing to make a commitment. Not a commitment by all appearances - like my prior relationship - but one that involved really having me in all aspects of his life.

Your situation is complicated - especially given that your GF doesn't have children of her own. There are some parts of this that she truly doesn't understand. I don't think anybody can tell you when it's appropriate for you to involve your children. That's just something you have to decide. But at the same time, I think your friend has also decided that there are some things she's not willing to put on the table without more commitment (ie, exclusivity) - and I think she's perfectly within her right to do that. As I see it, you are wanting exclusivity as a security blanket and she's wanting complete inclusion. (And just for the record as well as personally speaking, if your kids are an important aspect of your life - and potentially one day, mine - I, too, would want to be able to know you in that role before getting very serious.)

All this to say, maybe you got ahead of yourself, OIAL? Obviously, you don't feel good enough about this relationship yet to introduce your kids. Maybe that's a sign that it needs more time to develop. It sounds like she needs more time, too. So give it more time. Why do you have to direct where it's going? Of course, there may be some boundaries you need to negotiate along the way. The sex was a really difficult one but we (H & I) managed it by agreeing to exclusivity within that one area (and I really think he upheld it until we got married - Ok, so maybe disregard all my advice. )

I think what you need to ask yourself is what you want from the exclusivity request - especially given that you are (understandably) not willing to invest completely in this relationship right now anyway.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:39 AM, March 8th (Friday)]

truthsetmefree, I understand your points. You're expressing very much the same sentiment that she expressed. And because I understood, it flummoxed me at the time, and sent me for a spin.

The thing is, it's not *my* heart I was protecting, it's my kids' hearts. I'm terrible about having boundaries and respecting myself enough to honor them. But thank heavens, there is one boundary I have that cannot, will not, ever be crossed, and that's the best interests of my children.

If not for them, I'd be serious with her now. We'd probably have fast-tracked it to living together all the time, because that feels safest and surest to her.

She wants complete immersion before any exclusivity. No exclusivity before then.

Thing is, how does one decide you want complete immersion in another's life based solely on dating (and while dating others, I might add)?

Seems like zero to a hundred in 0.0 seconds to me. Why not see how things work out by trying an intimate, exclusive relationship first? Is that more likely to fail than sudden, complete immersion?

With dating, there are stages. Hand shakes, then hugs, kisses, gradual opening around vulnerabilities.

Same goes for relationships. Spending more time together, having overnights, doing some day to day together, declarations of love and intent, introducing children, living together.

Isn't that the natural progression? To do it all at once seems foolhardy and reckless, especially where children are concerned.

I'm a hot mess. This is not easy for me, people, and I'm still floundering.

As far as me directing things, after the number of dates we've had, and the romantic nature of those dates, yes, I demand exclusivity. Intimacy doesn't have to come at the same time (hell, I was exclusive immediately). Exclusivity is one thing that really declares interest without introducing much risk to the heart. The only thing lost is other romantic opportunity during that time. That's all.

But yes, I also asked for an intimate, relationship. Perhaps that was asking for too much at once (which is silly, because she said it wasn't enough).