SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Who takes your car away overnight so he can replace the power steering pump and then throws in an oil change because the car needed it anyway?

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 1:15 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Marry him!

Hmmm..depends? Who paid for the steering pump? You?

An oil change just involves removing a drain plug and oil filter and adding new oil and filter....easier than fixing a PB&J sandwich.

Now...if he inspected your hoses/belts/fluids and checked your tire pressure...then I'd give him a second look.

All kidding aside, he sounds like a great guy!

From your post in General and here, it is quite obvious that you have a strong attraction to your and your late husband's friend. You spend a lot of time alone together at your apartment, listening to music, or going out to eat with friends. He has confessed that he has "feelings" for you. While all of this sounds quite lovely, has he actually filed for a divorce yet? Because if he has not, (and you have said he had a talk with his wife and she wouldn't fight a divorce), then I would ask him straight out why he is waiting? Since he and his wife are living apart anyway, and he has feeling for you, there should be no obstacles to filing, right?

How sexy is a man who does that for you?...... very

woundedwidow, he only figured out that he had feelings for me once I moved into my new apartment across town from him on March 1. He just confessed to those feelings a week ago. He gets social security once a month and as soon as he gets the April payment, he told me he plans to file. He is not moving one bit slower than my late hubby did. When I met hubby he'd been separated for a couple of years and he filed within a month of when we started dating. I don't expect more from my friend.

By the way, my cousin had a disastrous 3rd marriage 2 years ago. It lasted all of 6 weeks. She hasn't got around to filing yet either, although I think she will soon now that she's met a nice guy.

LOL @ lineinthesand....he got sand up in his hair crawling around under the vehicle (itchy).

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 4:11 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Who takes your car away overnight so he can replace the power steering pump and then throws in an oil change

This does rate very high.

From how you've handled the infidelity and recently your H's illness and death, I have no doubt your head is not in the clouds and you are seeing reality. Like you said in othe post, this isn't your first rodeo.

One of his love languages is definitely giving gifts and gift of service...not a bad combo. It's especially nice when you have never had much attention like that in a relationship.

I'll be watching for updates.

I hope to someday be brave enough to date much less a relationship again.

Gma

he only figured out that he had feelings for me once I moved into my new apartment across town from him on March 1. He just confessed to those feelings a week ago.

And what are you feelings towards him? Your husband hasn't even been gone for 2 months and you are speeding down the relationship highway already?

lieshurt, sometimes the assumptions that people make about ME hurt....even online.

You have no idea how hard I have grieved for my husband nor how much the two of us grieved together for the last 26 months of his life. You don't know me well enough to know just how tough and resilient a person I am, nor how many traumas I have survived and then gone on afterwards to thrive.

The sheer relief I felt once I escorted my much cherished husband up to the gates of the

next world and

saw him painlessly and peacefully off on his journey to the next life is hard to

describe. I will always

miss him. But I promised him that I would be all right and he could leave without

worrying about me.

My friend loved my husband dearly and spent as many as 8 to 10 hours per day during my

husband's

last few months safeguarding him. Husband asked friend to look after me once husband

died. Friend

promised to do just that. My husband loved both of us. I tried very hard to explain in

other threads about this friend why

some of my earlier worries and misunderstandings about this situation may have occurred.

Sometimes, the sky is NOT falling, after all.

lieshurt, sometimes the assumptions that people make about ME hurt....even online.

I didn't assume anything. I asked you two questions about this situation to clarify.

My man-o-meter is very rusty but I would say this kindness rates very high. My recently divorced builder told me my two front tyres were bald and needed replacing. Somehow this does not measure up to actually doing the work. I say enjoy the attention and kindness, you deserve it. FR

lieshurt, I know that you "only" asked two questions to clarify. Sometimes more communication comes through in the tone than in the words...

Your husband hasn't even been gone for 2 months and you are speeding down the relationship highway already?

Can you see how this kind of phrasing could hurt? Your sentence comes across to me as judgemental, and even perhaps a deliberate attempt to induce guilt. You could have asked the same question in a more neutral way - for example:

Your husband died very recently, so what is it that makes you seemingly rush (from my, lieshurt's perspective) into a new romance?

To answer both of your questions:

1. I am having some growing feelings towards him. We had already developed a close friendship. When you eat two meals a day with someone and then see them on and off throughout the day, you get to know them. My husband and I trusted this man enough to have him stay in our home for 12 days and take care of our 3 furbabies while we went out of town last April. This man went to the ER with us (he drove me and hubs rode the ambulance). He massaged hubs feet (socks on) to comfort him in the ER. He helped me in my first and only attempt to change my husband's diaper once he became bedridden.

So I had already developed a close close friendship with this man.

2. Life is short and it is precious. I will NOT wait one year because it is what most people might expect me to do, or any other arbitrary time constraint, in order to avoid shocking/alarming folk. My friend is doing everything that I could possibly expect him to do, in the time frame that I am most comfortable with.

I don't think for a minute that you set out to hurt me with your words, and I hope that you can see that I have no intent to hurt you either.

I don't think for a minute that you set out to hurt me with your words, and I hope that you can see that I have no intent to hurt you either.

Absolutely. From my perspective, you are heading down this path too soon. You are no different than anybody else who comes to NB after the end of a relationship and immediately jumps into a relationship with a new person....or sometimes a friend of the family....and declares that they are ready. We invariably tell that person to step back, take time to really heal and then slowly work their way into something new. We also invariably hear all of the excuses for why they are "ready" and that we are wrong, cynical, blah blah blah.....only to have them come back to tell us we were right. I do not want to see you get hurt at all and I'm very concerned that this guy will do just that.

I know it's too soon, just like I knew it was WAY too soon when I met my late husband only 3 weeks after I told my exH that I would file for divorce.

My late husband hurt me terribly with his PA and then his EA. I hurt him in all the small ways that you can hurt someone simply by being you in a lasting relationship.

My friend will hurt me if we develop a lasting romance and I will hurt him. I do NOT believe that he is trifling with my affections, as he has a steady and reliable character and once he sets a goal, he achieves it with a strong will.

Maybe this is generational, but at this point I'm so incredibly happy with my own level of independence that if a guy tried to do that, I would probably be turned off by the presumption that I needed help.

I'm 64 and maybe THIS generational, but I tend to swoon....and then to get a quick, chaste hug from the guy (now smelling slightly of grease)?

Oh. My.

hmmm...I think I just felt my strap come unclipped....that is daaamn sexy!

Hit-by-a-train, I am very happy for you and I think one or two of the comments you have received are very unkind.

You have already had a great deal of time to prepare for your husband's death. You seem very level headed. I wish you well. Yes, you may get hurt.

But getting hurt is not the end of the world. It is your risk to take. Life is short and I hope you take the opportunity to live it to the fullest. I for one have never lived on the sidelines and my life has been very painful at times as a result but I don't think I would change that.

Good luck and please keep posting.

just a general comment, but I'm making it on hit's thread because what I would like to comment on is happening here:

Hit posted specifcally about how she felt about what her friend did with her car. She likes this and, yes, she thinks it's sexy.

Hit did not ask for advice about whether or not it is too soon to be seeing this man at any level.

We should all feel free to express ourselves (respectfully) here, but - dang it! - she isn't asking for us to be armchair quarterbacks and she should not have to defend herself.

Most of us have no idea what it is like to go throug what she's gone through.

This is true on other threads, too. Someone will post, "I don't know if I should cook chicken or fish for my SO" and he/she will get responses like "It's way too soon for you to cook for this person". If the question has to do withthe duration or approriatness of the relationsihp (he wants to move in after two weeks .. or she still lives with her husband but says he's liek a brother), but sometimes we get a bit carried away with the advice.

Ok, end of rant. Can y'all tell I'm cranky today?

Wolf

[This message edited by WhiteWolfWinning at 9:07 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Well, I for one enjoyed the rant. And you're the nicest crankypants that I've ever met, WWW!