SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been divorced for almost 6 months but have been separated after false R for over 1.5 years. I'm in a relationship with a guy that I have been friends with for over a year.

Things are going well but just saying to him that we would be exclusive kind of makes me feel the beginnings of anxiety attack (very, very mild). I don't want to date anyone else I don't have any plans to date anyone else and I never answered the many messages on okcupid because it didn't feel right. Yet just saying the words is what scares me.

Does anyone feel like that? What helped you get over it? What is wrong with me?

I probably should mention that he was a BH in his marriage so I also worry that something I do might be unforgivable. (I have never cheated. I don't plan on ever cheating but there is still that fear of doing something wrong)

I am in the process of divorcing and just the thought of even seriously dating someone sends me into a tailspin. But I've read several threads and it seems that its normal to feel that way, especially after going through such a difficult and to some extent traumatic experience. It takes time.

I was fine with getting into a commitment soon after dday. Now I'm realizing I got involved too fast. I'm thinking now that I will never want to marry again.

I'm so wishy washy on the whole thing.

I want the good parts of a M, but the idea of having bad parts of a M again give me anxiety (not joking, it sets off attacks).

Gosh, I'm screwed up.

Totally terrorfied of dating/commitment. But ... trying to force myself out there.

Went on one 'date' w/male friend. He said "we have fun when we hang out. you need the practice anyway".

Knowing it wasn't going to go further, I agreed. That was 4 months ago.

completely. Or I afraid that I really do have incredibly bad taste in men and will end up with someone like ex again.

I am 8 years out from my D. I have not been in a serious relationship until my current one (just over a year with him now). I am not afraid of commitment. Things with my SO feel so right that I am almost gleeful about it.

I have run the gamut, over the last 8 years, in my feelings towards relationships. When I was newly divorced I wanted to find someone right away and get remarried. I eventually swung the other way and became vehemently opposed to relationships.

I've been involved with my BF for six months now. He was only five months out from his D at that time. He has his 3 kids week on/week off, so I only see him on the off weeks. So, I basically picked a man who has very limited availability - physically (due to kids) and emotionally (due to fresh divorce) - so yeah, I'd say I've got some commitment issues. Lol.

What's weird for me, and I don't know how to address it, is we are both physically affectionate, but there is very little verbal affection. I'm not used to that, my X and I were always very verbally affectionate. I feel like it indicates a lack of comfort in us together, probably because he is still healing from his divorce.

[This message edited by persevere at 8:03 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]

For me, I've had that anxious feeling as well. However, over time, I realized that it only occurred when it was somebody who truly wasn't right for me. I guess it was my subconscious kicking in to warn me.

I've been with in an exclusive relationship with a good man for six months. By good I mean actions not just words.

My heart is 80% open. 20% closed & afraid of commitment.

The more time goes by, the more open I feel.

Maybe you need time too? That's ok.

Just hold off on saying the words until you have no anxiety? Is he dating others? If not, you don't even need to say the words if both of your actions are exclusive.

My new guy comes over all the time. I feel exclusive with him and he acts the same with me. If and when something niggles at me is when this wheel squeaks.

i held back a lot of words from peterpan, and he let me, even as he said them himself. it made me super nervous because i couldn't imagine him being truly patient in awaiting reciprocity. now i realize that he will always say a lot more than me about our love and relationship...it's just the type of man he is, very affirming and re-affirming.

at the time, as i complained to my IC, i was told that when i felt those nerves, i need to just open up and accept his loven and think about what could go wrong...to be in that moment. she said that it was the idea that he could love me, and how i've associated that with pain in the past, that was keeping me from being comfortable with an honest, devoted person. of course it helped that i was falling in love and really didn't want to let it go.

if this guy is interested, you should be able to go as slow as you need to. if it works out, it works out.

((((courageous))))

I was the same way with current SO in the beginning. We are long-distance and I think my fear of commitment was the reason I chose those circumstances in the beginning. I wanted a relationship that would be slowly paced and the distance forced that.

The first year of our relationship went at a snails pace. SO and I dated for 6 months before we had the "talk" to establish exclusivity, even though we both already were. We didn't say I love you until we had been dating for nearly a year.

As long as you and he are ok with the pace of the relationship take things as slow as you like.

The more time goes by, the more open I feel.

Same here. When I rush my thoughts, I panic, but my current relationship is actually going at a surprisingly comfortable pace and I find myself open to levels of commitment that I couldn’t imagine at the start.

Just take your time, try not to look too far ahead until it feels right.

I don't think anything is wrong with you at all. You're still processing the events from the past couple of years and still trying to figure out what things mean with this guy as opposed to your ex. Exclusive meant something completely different to the ex and you need time to process what it means with this new person.

I've been with SO for over 2 years now and I had no problem committing to him, of being exclusive with him.

However, I would not let him use the L-word for almost a year. I just didn't trust that word anymore - the ex would say it as he walked out the door to go screw the AP or he would sign his emails that he was sending from her home with it - the word had just lost all meaning for me. I actually told SO that I would leave him if he used it - how freaking screwed up is that??

I know it was really really hard on SO but he was willing to wait it out and I finally did get there. I just had to do it on my time and I am so incredibly lucky that SO is very patient with me and chose to stick by me (he's a widow so really has no idea how much infidelity messes up your head - well he does have an idea now but I digress...).

I think SO could tell by my actions that I wasn't going anywhere and I think I needed SO to prove to me, I guess, that he knew what the word love really meant before he used it.

When I was newly divorced I wanted to find someone right away and get remarried. I eventually swung the other way and became vehemently opposed to relationships

This.

It's been nearly 4 years for me. I am realizing how opposed I am to relationships. I have never been like this either.

I just steer clear as to not drag down someone who might be ready for a relationship.

Commitment just makes me stomach turn & feel like I can't breathe!

I started dating my SO after I had filed and what I "thought" was only a couple of months away from divorce. Turns out it was over a year later. While I was ready to date, I was NOT ready for a relationship. I knew this and more importantly, my SO knew this (he had gone through similar things a couple of years prior). We only saw each other every other weekend and only talked on the phone every couple of days. No texts. Kept things nice an slow. Didn't exchange ILYs until over a year later. I knew he was special, I knew we were good, but I had many things to work on. We didn't have a commitment talk it just happened as we got closer and found ourselves making time for each other. Things are really good right now, I hope to spend the rest of my life together, but it took a long slow path.

Topic: Are you now afraid of commitment?

yep. trusting, confiding, talking ect ect ... if it goes any deeper than my LPN level of nursing it terrifies me.

I've been with in an exclusive relationship with a good man for six months. By good I mean actions not just words.

My heart is 80% open. 20% closed & afraid of commitment.

The more time goes by, the more open I feel.

that is kind of how I feel... except the percentage of being open is a little lower.

Unfortunately I can say that I have never had a "normal" relationship. I have settled for being treated like shit. This new guy he treats me very well and it scares me. I'm not use to someone opening my doors, being concerned about my safety, or even caring what I think.

I was pretty much repeatedly "almost" raped by my husband (I can't say it straight out just yet) for 7 of our 9 year marriage (with 1 of those years being separated after the A and the other year was the first year we were married). I was given the silent treatment, told my thoughts were not important and not to say anything until I had something important to say....well to make this shorter.

I was treated very very badly and I took it. I didn't see anything wrong with it. Someone had to point out that it was rape because I always thought I had to do my wifely duties because guys have needs that MUST be met, if I didn't take care of my "responsibilities" than he might go elsewhere, and once guys get to a certain point there is no turning back.

And this new guy... he honestly cares what I think, he wants to hear my opinions, he thinks the world of me...more than I think of myself.

All I can think is what if I do something that makes him never want to see/speak to me again?

A commitment is something serious...if there is nothing serious than there is not much I can do wrong but it's also not fair to him to not give our relationship some definition.

Just a side note.. this is also a LDR which I know makes things so much harder but so much easier.

Sometimes. Sometimes, I want to run. I will find something nit-picky and think....this is it, it is starting all over again because they are all the same, I need to start putting up my wall. So I talk to my support friends and I talk to my new guy, and I talk it thru. And every time I talk it thru, I am so glad I didn't run.....