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One of the things I've come to realize that totally sucks about being divorced, is taking an adult vacation. Well not actually taking one, but having the foolish notion that one is even possible.

When you're single (prior to kids) your not responsible or accountable to anyone but yourself and no one will think or say boo (except maybe your boss), if you just travel off anywhere, anytime with anyone.

When you're married, it's a given that for the sake of the marriage, you must leave the kids with a relative and fly off somewhere for a weekend at least once a year, under the pretext of rekindling the flame.

When you're divorced, (with kids) it's a whole different ball of wax. You can't just spontaneously jet off on a moments notice, you have co-parenting responsibilities that must be coordinated and kid functions to plan around. Having to ask the Ex to cover for you, whether it's a school function, Tae Kwon Do class or swim lessons, it almost feels like you're asking your Ex permission to leave town. Even just letting the Ex know ahead of time that you won't be in town in case of a kid emergency seems like a loss of autonomy.

If you can get past the coordination and the go-ahead nod from the Ex. You have the reality that your available travel funds are more limited then before. When you were single before kids, you didn't have extra mouths to feed, or an obligatory mortgage, or college saving plans for your offspring and retirement planning was something you would get to when you settled down and started a family. When married, at least you have the advantage of dual income to chase the traditional American family dream and acquire all the requisite chattel. (Which I now believe is a farce.) When divorced, the income is split and the expenditures are doubled maintaining two household. So what use to take 6 months to a year to save for a getaway (keep your sanity, break from reality) trip, now takes several years to finance without robbing your kids future or resigning yourself to a cardboard box dwelling in some back alley during your golden years.

Once you have put away enough cash to make the dash, then the dilemma is who do you go with. If you are in a relationship, then it's probably not an issue. But if you're still relationship gun-shy or haven't found a yin to match your yang and are presently resigned to single-dom, you find yourself running the names and faces of family and friends through your head, pondering who might be a suitable travel companion. This person is married, that person is penny-poor, I'm not that close to what's his name any more, so-and-so is a total drag or maybe wears drag, friends-of-the-opposite-sex might get the wrong idea if I ask them. Basically eliminating most everyone for one reason or another. Then BLAM, reality smacks you dead in the face. If you're going anywhere you'll be going solo. If I had to do some sole searching or needed to find myself, that might sound appealing. But I was craving some adventure, some adult (not necessarily sexual) interaction, someone to share an expensive bottle of wine, maybe hit a bar or night club or sight see. Just not kid orientated for once. I deserve that! I need that! An adult vacation! Why is that so hard?

Humpf! Being single after divorced and wanting a kid-free vacation... ridiculousness! I guess I'll start planning the next vacation for the kids.

You can still experience travel, adult interaction and a little adventure. You can and should.

Instead of the big week long vacations, I actually find that long weekends work a lot better. Even when I was married, it was tough to get away for a whole week. More frequent, shorter trips may work better for you. They tend to be much less expensive, you can do it without having to juggle a schedule at a time when your ex has the kids for a long holiday weekend, and you don't come back to loads of crap at the office, or tons of housework that got ignored in anticipation of the trip. Also, shorter trips usually lend themselves to way more available friends and family.

After my dad passed away, my mom always said that she found it most important to have something to look forward to. This type of planning could give you more to look forward to and more opportunity to just relax and heal.

I actually have found taking vacations with the kids better than alone, or when married. Well, I can remember my exH checking out all the waiters when we were on vacation.

Vacationing with the ex was always stressful. Always had to go where he wanted to go, do what he wanted to do. Now, I have the freedom to go to the places I want to go, and my kids are still young enough to think hanging out with me is cool. I know my time with them is limited...so I'll take it and make the best of it while I can!

Vacationing with the ex was always stressful. Always had to go where he wanted to go, do what he wanted to do. Now, I have the freedom to go to the places I want to go, and my kids are still young enough to think hanging out with me is cool. I know my time with them is limited...so I'll take it and make the best of it while I can!

ITA. Loving my freedom even if it doesn't mean a fancy vacation. Right now, I just do day trips with the kiddos. I have so much more fun with my kids now that they're old enough to not need naps and diaper changes, and although I'm short on cash right now, day trips are affordable and fun.

so-and-so is a total drag or maybe wears drag,

I would totally go on vacation with someone who wears drag. Just sayin'.

One other thing-- I stayed home over spring break and spent time with the kiddies for the first half and then enjoyed time with friends and family during the second half when the kids were with their dad. When I got back to work, I was in a good place-- laundry was done, groceries purchased, work all up to speed-- my friends who went away were scrambling to readjust and said that they needed vacations to recover from their vacations. So, those week-long getaways aren't always what they're cracked up to be. My next "big" vacation will likely be a long weekend.

Seeking sanity, I don't know how old your kids are, but mine are 16 &18. I am actually doing something this summer that I never in a million years could have done if married. But I can now because I don't have to ask permission, and the kids are old enough to drive to ex's house or activities on their own, or stay at my place on their own. Also, if ex went with me I could only go for a week, and have to play by his rules. If I tried to stay longer while he went back to work, he'd accuse me of trying to pick up guys.

Life is in a constant state of flux. Your financial situation may change for the better, the kids will definitely grow older, drive, become more responsible. Ex may ask to have them for an extended period and you can say yes, then jet off somewhere. Or drive somewhere.

Even when married, I frequently traveled alone. Ex would go on business trips and refuse to take me (because OW had that privilege) so my parents would watch the kids while I went somewhere alone. One of the biggest secrets is how much fun Disney World is when you are there with no one to answer to but yourself. And now with Facebook you never have to be alone. Go to a sports bar/restaurant on a game night and someone will definitely ask to share your table. That happened to me at ESPN club at Disney.

It seems like a lot of people have found that life is greener on the other side of divorce. I don't think that holds true for me. The grass is very much dead where I'm at right now, with a lot pits and pot holes that keep tripping me up. Even with the infidelity on her part, given the chance, I'd be more than willing to climb back over that fence.

A lot of people seem bitter or jaded about vacation with their former spouse. But again that is not my situation. We had a wonderful time together and amazing Vacations. We could have a wonderful time with kids, with family, with friends and when it was just the two of us.

Over the past few years, I've taken several vacations with my kids. I just crave something a bit more mature, like a cruise (non-Disney theme) or a weekend in New York or Las Vegas. Some place you can let your guard down and have more than one beer or glass of wine, and not worry if the kids see their Dad get a little tipsy or worry if it's past their bed time. My youngest are still 6 & 7, so I can't just leave them in a hotel room or a cabin unsupervised to go out and do my thing for a night. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful time with my kids and I'm there for them 110% when the vacation is about them.

I'm not a facebooker, so I don't understand how that keeps you from being alone. If I go to a sport bar or restaurant it would be to actually socialize with an adult friend not go pick up someone. I'm not to that stage in my rebuilding yet.

I don't know maybe the grass is greener on the female side of divorce.

[This message edited by SeekingSanity at 8:13 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

one of the first 'big' steps I took was to go on an o/s holiday. The reason for this = I have been cheated on by him every single time I have gone o/s.

It was hard and it was very early on (I am still early on in the rollercoaster) so I had to deal with a lot of triggers and comparison crap. Spent a lot of money blowing up his phone during a low point (one night out of 5). Luckily he kept kicking me whilst I was down so I had no option but to pick myself back up.

What I found was that when I let go of the pain and crap and started living in the moment I really enjoyed the holiday on my own. I got to chose what I would do and when. I got to decide for me what made me happy. I started making good memories for me.

It was hard initially, going out to places on my own in a strange country. You know what though all it did was open me up to meeting other people. It wasnt such a bad thing after all.

Long story short = best holiday of my life and I met some wonderful people that I am still in contact with.

I think taking a vacation by yourself can be very rewarding. Keep it as a consideration, you dont have to do it now, when you are ready you will know.

ETA - Oh and I didnt get cheated on! The only way I plan on doing travel now

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 9:02 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

Nothing scream "hey your single" then traditional couple or family events or being sick. I think when you are so focused on the fact that things are different now and that you think you stand out like a sore thumb, that typically other people don't even notice you.

But try and think of it from a different perspective, maybe think of it as a new adventure for yourself.

I have gone a couple of short holidays with my kids and it's been great, the first one was difficult as it was a constant reminder that hey your all alone now, but the xwh was such a drag on any thing we wanted to do. We typically enjoy things a lot more on our own.

Do you have any friends you could go on vacation with, a sibling or another family member? Check out if there is any travel meet up groups, I know we have a few here so people aren't travelling alone.

It is difficult for me to travel due to our court orders and an x that has pretty much checked out of being a parent, but I am looking forward to the future when the kids are a bit older.

Maybe there is others even here on SI that have you could travel with?

I just crave something a bit more mature, like a cruise (non-Disney theme) or a weekend in New York or Las Vegas.

Doesn't your ex ever take the children on vacation? That's your cue to go off and have your adult vacation. You can do all those things you just listed on your own.

SS,

Go to a SI G2G.. they are listed in Fun and Games. You will need people who have been where you are. It's a good way to get away for a weekend and meet people you know but have no idea what they look like.

Yes Vacations are different.... I have gone by myself for long weekends to the beach. And hit a local tavern for trivia night.. The restaurant puts everyone into teams... and you play as a team. It was a way for me to meet some people in the area.

Check out Meet ups in your area.. there are plenty here that do weekend biking trips, camping and kayaking.. etc. Hiking and camping.. etc.

Look around... there are things available for you to do... It takes a little searching..but there are activities and trips out there.

Hugs,

It's not that I can't get away when the kids are with their Mom. I'm past the first two first hurdles of my original post. I have the opportunity to get away, and I've the saved money to go. I will probably go something in the near future by myself. But I was just thinking I would be nice to have a travel companion. Most my male friend are married and they save their Vaction time for their families. I was contemplating asking a single female friend, but I'm concerned that might be take the wrong way. I'm not looking for a relationship and definitely not the hook-up getaway. It would have to be platonic and I'm now sure how that would work.

I'm in my 40's now and I have not had to think about doing things as a single since my early 20's. I've have not really look, but where do you find places that have local group gatherings where it is not about trying to find a relationship. I just want to hang out with fun people?

I'm not a facebooker, so I don't understand how that keeps you from being alone. If I go to a sport bar or restaurant it would be to actually socialize with an adult friend not go pick up someone. I'm not to that stage in my rebuilding yet.

I didn't mean to pick anyone up in the sports bar, just to share a table and watch the game.

If I get lonely I go to Facebook and see what all my Facebook friends are doing. You can see who else is on and start a chat with them.

I am going away for 8 weeks this summer, 5 of those weeks I will be by myself in a foreign country. I'm trying to learn the language before I go, well brush up as I had 3 years in High School. Maybe it's a comfort or personality thing, because I am not at all worried about being alone or lonely. In fact, I know I will get lonely at some point and it doesn't bother me. Yet, I have a friend who won't even go to a restaurant by herself. She will get take out and eat it in her car rather than be seen eating by herself in a restaurant.

Perhaps you just aren't the kind of guy who likes to travel alone.

ETA: meetup.com is a great site to meet people, and you join and leave groups at will. I was once a member of 11 meetup groups, now I am down to 5 that I really like and match my interests.

[This message edited by stillstrong at 9:32 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]

Going to Hawaii all by myself for a week end of this month. I can't wait! I have plans and some tours etc booked and other than that I will hit the beaches and just be! Nobody will be there to tell me they need food, a bathroom, they are bored, instead I can go where I want and stay as long as I want.

But then again, I never like going on vacation with my Ex. We did great before we got married, after that for some reason he never had the patience for anything. We had to keep rushing. For me it was all about the journey and not the destination often times.

I joined a single parent group and we do lots of outings together.

I am going on a cruise this year. I do have a boyfriend who is coming but orgionally I just planned it for me and DS. The great thing about a cruise is there are clubs where the kids can stay all day if they wish and do activities adn you can do what you want. lol.

I love vacations with my DS, probably more so now that he is growing up and I know that a time will come that I can't do that anymore.

It is hard though. My ex works out of province three weeks out of the year and I don't have a lot of money as a single mom. Thank goodness for a great tax refund this year..lol.

If you are clear to your single friends about the invitation to go on vacation with you I am sure they won't take it the wrong way. I have taken vacations with friends in the past. You just have to let them know that it is platonic and not anything sexual.

Good luck

It's not that I can't get away when the kids are with their Mom. I'm past the first two first hurdles of my original post. I have the opportunity to get away, and I've the saved money to go. I will probably go something in the near future by myself. But I was just thinking I would be nice to have a travel companion.

Maybe it's a personality thing, but I don't hold myself back from enjoying vacations because I have no travel companion. I find I meet more people and do more things as a single traveler. I'm in my 50's and I'll travel internationally (most often) or domestically (now and then) on my own whenever I get the chance. When I say "do more things," I mean see a lot more and fit more activities into my day because I'm not lingering over meals or drinks or in bed with my husband.

I'm in my 40's now and I have not had to think about doing things as a single since my early 20's. I've have not really look, but where do you find places that have local group gatherings where it is not about trying to find a relationship. I just want to hang out with fun people?

meetup.com is one place you can look for local groups having fun together doing various activities. Especially in an urban area like mine, groups are meeting for everything under the sun, from hiking to football to gastropubs to biking. The list of special interests is endless! Some are simply singles groups that meet to socialize over drinks and dinner. Some go to shows. You should check it out. There are even travel groups.