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I know this will vary somewhat by state, but is there a general list somewhere online of what a noncustodial parent is expected to provide while he or she has kids for the weekend? I send clothing EOW and get most of it back (unwashed ). But lately, he is asking for more and more. He texted me a list today that he wants me to pack their bikes, helmets, swims suits, and goggles for the weekend (in addition to clothing, etc.). He said I didn't need to pack towels, though. I have been setting boundaries with him, but I want my kids to have a good time with their dad. So, I want to give him a link of what he is expected to provide. But then, if he doesn't, do I quit sending stuff? That seems like I'd be punishing my kids more than him.

I'm just tired of him treating me like he has the right to rely on me to "have his back." I've been trying to teach him he doesn't, but boundaries go over his head.

My situation isn't the norm as XH lives nine hours away. Previously I'd sent clothes and their cots for bedtime as they stay with his parents when he comes to town. Last summer XH and his wife would bring clothes for the kids (she likes dressing them up. She dresses up her cats too.) The kids got too big for their cots so he had to supply their sleeping arrangements.

In your situation, if he is local and takes the kids regularily, I would give him a deadline in the near future and tell him that starting at such and such date he'll have to supply his own bikes, helmets, etc that he can keep at his home. There is no reason why he can't have them at his home as well so you don't have to be lugging all that stuff around.

When I was with XH who had an exwife and children, it ended up the kids coming in clothes and going home in the same clothes. We'd buy nice clothes with no stains, etc and they'd go back with the kids.....and we'd never see them again. They'd then come over with clothes that didn't fit, were dirty, etc. So it was changed to having separate wardrobes at each home.

Set the boundries and stick with them. After you set the date and ground rules and if he asks where _____ is at the children exchange following the date, tell him that "Remember, as of 'date', I am no longer supplying that item. You'll have to plan accordingly."

Once you do this it will be so much easier not having to pack all kinds of stuff!

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 3:35 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]

I don't know where you are at...S? D? What you have to supply is what you put in the papers. My papers say each of us have our own clothing for the kids so they don't have to lug bags back and forth.

Now, my kids are (now) teens, so that didn't last long; they wanted to wear what they liked, not the cheap crap dad was willing to get, so we are suppose to each buy clothing for them...but I buy most.

We split the cost of winter coats/boots, as kids don't need two sets of those.

At first, I had to tell him at one point that he had to go get them toothbrushes, hair brush, face cleansers, deodorant, etc as it wasn't my job to buy that stuff for his house.

The entertainment items? (Bikes, swimming gear, etc.) I think that's up to you. I can see if it's once in a while he wants the bikes letting him take them as it can be a big ticket item...but if he wants them every time he takes the kids, he can buy them some for at his place. Swim gear? He can buy goggles/swimsuits to have at his place.

If you are still drawing up papers...talk to your L about how to do it.

Good question. Mine still asks me to provide underwear when a pair goes missing. He also wanted me to provide a brand new car seat, which I did go out and buy, but I then gave him the old one and kept the new one for myself! Heh heh.

I think I'd be okay with larger items like bikes, sleeping bags, that sort of thing, as long as he comes to get it and doesn't expect me to pack it up and bring it over, but it does annoy me that even though I left enough clothing, undies, and socks for the weekend with him (and for different seasons), he still asks for things like that. I guess I should be thrilled that he doesn't ask for groceries and toiletries.

Thanks for the responses. We have been separated nearly 2 years but don't have anything drawn up. Fortunately, he's held to most of what we verbally agreed to initially.

For the longest time, I was in limbo. I've been done for awhile now, though, but am just trying to afford filing. Plus, I'm self-employed and he still has me on his insurance. (Regardless, I will have some major bills paid off this summer and intend to save up for the D then.)

I think I will share the "big" things and set boundaries for the rest. My biggest issue is that he is always forgetting to return stuff (coats, Nintendo DS, etc.). That's part of why it would be easier for him to just have his own gear for the kids. As it is, because of his work schedule, he only regularly sees them EOW. And he is local, but he doesn't go out of his way to promptly return things when he does forget them. And I'm not driving to her (the OW's) house to get them.

Thanks again. I lurk daily but just don't post often.

get it in writing when you do get that far. SO is the non-custodial parent and he had to have what would and wouldn't be provided added to the new agreement (as weird as that sounds)

She would send the kids in the worst of everything and refused to send even swimsuits. We never expected her to provide equipment (bikes, helmets, skis ect). SO ended up buying that stuff. The his XWW thought she should be entitled to have the kids bring it to her house whenever.

Its just better now that is spelled out that each parent provides the necessary clothes and equipment.

I send whatever clothes they'll need and he sends them back. I usually end up washing them, but no biggie, I'd have to wash them anyway, right? I send a package of hair bands and clips for the wee one, and when they get lost or whatever, x replaces them. When those get lost, its my turn to replace them. They have toothbrushes and such at his place out of convenience, but take their other personal things back and forth. I mean, they'd have to use all that stuff regardless of whether they are at my place or his. I don't have any problem packing any of their things, because its for them, not him. Not sending their swim suits only hurts them, and I won't do that. Now, if x was in the habit of not returning things, that might all be different.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by LadyQ at 7:33 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]

Still---It's none of my business,so you don't have to tell me the details, but in our separation agreement, HE had to pay a big chunk of our bills. Just and idea--maybe you could see a L, and get him to pay you so much a month on that huge bill you have since you are providing the home for your children.

In fact, in my state, SC adultery is 60/40 in debt and 40/60 in marital assets.

Our agreement states that we'l each provide the required items for our son while he's in our respective homes. When we separated I made a point to break up all of our son's belongings into stuff for his dad's house and stuff for my house.

I clothe my son in a lot of hand-me-downs, so I usually go through the lot and pick out the stuff I like and then send the rest to my ex. It helps him out, makes me look generous, and the clothes aren't wasted. My son is two and is constantly a mess. At this point I don't care what he wears as long as he's wearing something weather appropriate. Bathing suits, snow suits, boots, etc I encourage my ex to buy his own sets. My son has snow stuff at my house, his dad's house AND school because it's a bitch to remember to send it all with him.

My son often carries small toys like matchbox cars back and forth from our houses. My ex has bitched about it in the past (the toys he buys ending up at my house), but at the same time, he's not trying to take them when he drops our son off, so I don't really let it get to me. Christmas and birthday gifts are also split up so half goes to dad and half stays with me. It's just easier that way.

For big stuff, like the stroller, the wagon, etc. I have that all at my house. If ex needs it he asks for it (though he's welcome to purchase his own). He hasn't asked in a very long time.

So, I want to give him a link of what he is expected to provide.

There isnt a link because there isnt a list set for every non-custodial parent.

All a parent must provide is shelter, clean food and water, clothes, and schooling once they reach that age - everything else is up to parents.

Just like one person is ok with hand me downs, the next would brand new....its all in what you think it the right way for you.

When DSS was still staying at the house, we had a everything for him here. Clothes, a bike, gaming system and a TV. When he changed for the night, he put his clothes that he came in with into a bag so he coudl take them back to his moms...yes, unwashed most times.

BUT....it didnt start out that way, and it was not easy to do. The bike was 300 bucks, not chump change, and neither was the gaming system....he got those for christmas and his birthday.

However, when I was a kid going from mom's house to dad's house - Dad never had anything for us. Mom let us pack whatever we wanted and if we didnt bring it back, that was our fault. She wouldnt go get it (dad lived in another state) so we had to wait to get it back.

If it bothered her, she never let us know. And really - all your kids want to do is have fun right?

I am not there, so I cant be 100% on the sitation, but what he is asking for doesnt seem all that much.

If it gets to the point where they are ALWAYS leaving stuff, then I would make i a point in the decree that he needs to have clothes at his house and that anything from your house will be returned upon drop off.

Be very careful allowing bikes and such. The reason I say this is my brother ever the nice guy would pack up big items like bikes, and other big ticket items cause he didn't want his son to suffer while at his mother's. BTW my brother has full custody of his son. Anyway that ended rather fast because a bike that was barely 3 weeks old came back with a ripped seat, ripped up handle bar and grip and the paint was ruined. At first the trashed bike was blamed on my nephew. But once he was away from his mom it came out that his younger half sibling and a couple of other kids in the neighborhood the mother lived in had taken the bike and just trashed it. That was the last time big ticket items were exchanged with weekend visits. My brother told her that she would have to supply her own items and that would have to include a helmet since military health insurance can be a real bitch if proper safety isnt followed.

So if you do go ahead and send the big items be aware that stuff can happen and odds are it wont get replaced by dad...or in my brother's case his exwife.

My attorney said EX should provide all the basics at his place just like I do (clothes, etc).

He doesn't, hasn't and will not.

I have to send clothes, toiletries and even had to buy my kiddos pillows for HIS house.

DS's pillow went missing when he was not there and I had to replace it.

I suspect the GF got the pillow so it is so nice I get to buy pillows for his GF too.

Anyway - I know my option is just NOT to do that. HOWEVER, ex would make my DS go without a pillow so what do you do?

They did tote their pillows back and forth for a long while but they came home smelling of cigarette smoke so it was just better to not go that route.

When he took them on vacation - I had to send towels too.

I keep reciting "Just bite your tongue and take the high road......."

But darn it is hard as heck some days!!!