SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I left STBXWH on dday and have been on my own for over a year and a half. I filed a year ago. The divorce is FINALLY in the court system and papers should be final

In a few months. We are mostly NC except for business. Tonight he sent this email:

"In having my housekeeper  help go through papers she stumbled across

several letters from you and I. She was clearly upset almost to tears

and it was the letter that you left in the house stating you were done

and had decided to file for divorce but that  you had loved me with

all your heart.

It gave me the same panic  that it did back then.  I think it always

will , should I have the strength or courage to keep it."

That was it.

I just don't get WHY? Why does he feel the need to tell me this? What does he hope to accomplish? Me changing my mind? Feeling sorry for him? An obtuse apology? Wanting to poke my bear? Make me feel bad/guilty? What?

Now I can't sleep.

He has also taken to calling me lately instead of emailing. I try not to answer unless necessary. Last time he ended the convo. with "have a good day kiddo!"

What the heck??!

I will not be responding. Tho I want to - and ask him the exact above questions. Any ideas or comments?

What does he hope to accomplish? Me changing my mind? Feeling sorry for him? An obtuse apology? Wanting to poke my bear? Make me feel bad/guilty?

I would say the email is every reason you said. You are walking away and it's about over so he's going pull out all the stops .

You are going forward without him, how dare you !

Stay on you path and NC. WTH do they think you would do if they don't change a thing or fight for the marriage ? Some WSes never see why the BS can't stay married to them..clueless.

Hugs and you are getting through the divorce mud and walking gets much easier when it's over.

Gma

IMO, he is looking for a re entry, if initiated from your end.

His housekeeper cried, and what about you mate, it was panic for you ? Wow.

All i got from that email was....

Dear Treble,

Found a letter, decided to get my rod and reel out and head to the lake to FISH...

Here fishy fishy fishy.....

Sincerely yours,

Fucktard

****

Mentally email him back....

Dear Fucktard,

Here are some fucking crickets to go fishing with.

Cricket, cricket, cricket.

Because it's all about them. All the time. At the root of it, cheating is all about selfishness- people whose first thought is about their wants/desires. That selfishness does not go away after we leave or after the A ends.

IMO, he is looking for a re entry, if initiated from your end.

This is what I'm afraid of.

Although it was the hardest decision I've ever made, it was also one of the best. I KNOW he is not reconciliation material - for a zillion reasons I won't go into here and now - but unfortunately this bypasses my head and hits me in the heart. What if he wants to R? What if he still loves me? What if he's finally feeling bad?

Oh wait a minute- even I can whack myself with a 2x4 over that.

Note to self Trebleclef:

"Did you see anything in that email that indicated understanding of YOUR pain? NO. Was there any whiff of "I'm sorry" ? NO. Any regret for what he did? Any acknowledgement? Any taking responsibility? No, no, and NO. So theres nothing there that negates anything you already know. Just another opportunity for him to tell you how hard this has been for him. Because he's NPD/BPD and lacks any shred of empathy and it's all about him. nothing has changed. Take this as confirmation that you are still on the right course.

As you were."

PS: remember - this is the housekeeper that he emails a dozen times a day - the foreign married woman the he has become the KiSA to, ( gee what a surprise) the one who he has actually replaced your SIL with as his new "sister", and his new family instead of restoring relationships with his own kids, including your daughter who is about to have a baby he may never see. This is the housekeeper for whom he somehow expects you should pay half the wages. HE HAS NOT CHANGED!

(and what the heck is she doing reading his letters anyway???)

Ok. There. On with my day........

Thanks SI peeps. I appreciate your helping to clean my glasses. And undefinabl - you made me laugh out loud!

Now I can't sleep.

He wanted a reaction. He wants to still have an effect on you.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

Poor STBXWH. He no likey consequences.

And Undefinabl3...thank you for the snorting belly laugh.

Here fishy fishy, go fuck yourself!

I think it's everything you and others say it is. And I think it's that they like to feel they are noble, full of love and longing and all these beautiful, romantic ideals. I think many of these WSs are truly living in some fantasy world inside their heads, where they believe themselves to be someone entirely other than who their actions show the world they are.

I think compartmentalization has a lot to do with it.

Lol, am I the only one that thinks the housekeeper crossed a personal boundary by reading the letter? =o

Lol, am I the only one that thinks the housekeeper crossed a personal boundary by reading the letter? =o my first inclination if he was having her go through letters is read the first part then (when it is obvious it is personal) set it aside.

No, DI. I thought the same thing. WTF is the housekeeper doing going through your personal papers? Even IF he asked her to. Yuck.

Treble--he is *waxing* nostalgic and acting as if your M just *poofed* one day for no reason. Too bad your *I'm D'ing you* letter didn't include a list of his transgressions....bet the housekeeper wouldn't have been crying after reading that!!!

I don't even get the feeling that he's fishing for you back. His email came across as a big old pity party for himself.

PS--I was glad to read that you are finally getting the heck out of your basement room and that your dad came through for you.

Update with another piece of the puzzle. - found out tonight that STBXWH and wantonwonton have broken up. THAT may explain the recent over-friendliness.

Good lord. Do I have this to look forward to.

FFS, seriously. There are no fish in this pond. This pond has no water. Fuck off.

Hey treble, you're doing great. This clown so doesn't deserve an iota of your empathy or attention other than finalizing the D.

Reading your profile, I can totally relate... X had the same laundry list of issues I just couldn't face, and the decision was really hard to make because he really wanted to stay married.

You just know when they are not up to doing the hard work.

Big hugs and congrats on your new home.

From what I can see, active WSs are emotional vampires. If he's broken up with or is having issues with the OW (or any "GF" after her), then he needs to feed.

Reading the letter wasn't enough as he probably took one too many hits off of it in the past. So he's trying to feed off of any reaction you give him.

Holly-Isis-

That is a very interesting concept-

"feeding". It strikes a chord. I'll tuck that one away for future use. Thx!

active WSs are emotional vampires

I prefer the term parasite. Vampires have too much heart and parasite appeals to that universal loathing thing he has going on.

There are no fish in this pond. This pond has no water. Fuck off.

God, that is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed that.

I prefer the term parasite.

Or leech?

Leeches are able to display a variety of behaviors that allow them to explore their environments and feed on their hosts. Exploratory behavior includes head movements and body waving. Most leeches are hematophagous, as they are predominantly blood suckers that feed on blood from vertebrate and invertebrate animals.

Here's how you "kill" a leech. Sprinkle large amounts of salt onto said leech and it will fall off. If one is particularly stubborn, light a match then blow it out and with the hot tip burn the leech. Be extremely careful to not burn yourself!!

Trebleclef,

I can see how it would/could look like a "fishing" letter. I actually interpreted it a bit differently, though. To me, it read as:

"I'm feeling a little guilty and bad for screwing you over so badly, now that I'm lonely."

What he might hope to gain would be some kind of feel good response from you,much as:

"Even though we are over, my heart will always remember the specialness of us."

...which he could interpret as

"Even though we are over, you are and always will be an awesome human being who simply made a little tiny mistake of temporary infideltity. Feel good about you. You are awesome."

-----------------------------------

It's actually a very interesting letter. I can see why it kept you awake. Just trying to figure out.....WTF!!!??

It's interesting that he said it "gave him the same panic". The panic of losing you? Really? He's had this long to get used to the idea and he gets the same panic, or the same guilt? And "should behave the courage and strength to keep it"...again, possibly doesn't want to forever feel that guilt pang every time he reads it in the future.

Finally, his calling you "kiddo, felt wrong to me. It felt like, "hey, everything's cool now, right.". My wife and i used to call each other "sweetie". She lost that right when she fucked her boss and told him she loved him.

That's my take. The note is selfishly written without any concern for the emotional disruption it might cause you. ...hey, that sounds familiar. ......kind of like......an affair.