SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those who don't have a very foggy XWS, as in your D or S was more that the A was a deal breaker than your spouse still in A mode - how did your pain change when you left? I know it doesn't stop the pain and healing has to happen either way. Just wondering how much more intense the pain is when trying to R as well as recover as an individual.

Hopefully my horrible week of triggers and mind movies and detail obsessing that clearly now has added insomnia back haven't stopped me from almost making sense.

For me it happened in waves, back and forth through all the different kinds of pain.

The humiliation pain, sad pain, angry pain, primal fear pain, rage pain, regret pain, fooled pain, heartbreak pain, heartache pain, death of dreams pain, fear of future pain, hurt pain, vengeance pain, DIAF! pain, mamma bear pain... etc.

For me its less raw as time goes on. At first the shock winded me and I felt like I lost my mind. I got lost in the rubble.

I could not recover whilst in R - R was hurting me more each and every day. I had to forgive him for something new every single day (some things he did, some were moments that were ruined because of the bomb he put in the middle of our M).

Mostly, I would never have been able to forgive myself for staying with someone who would do this to me - who would risk losing me. That is all me - nothing to do with him or whether he had shown remorse or not.

His lack of remorse was a gift - I may have stayed out of sheer willpower had he not forced my hand. That is no way to live. Not for me anyway.

For the pain to go away you need to detach. My XWH and I did a live-in separation for four months following DD. It was the toughest and most emotionally draining four months of my life. I was in survival mode, just taking one day at a time and doing what I could to save money, prepare for my move, and not rock the NPD hell I was living in.

Once we moved I was able to detach. It made asserting myself and putting boundaries in place so much easier. Without the constant barrage of emotional abuse and manipulation coming from XWS I was able to start working on me. At that point the pain started lessening. It's now been nine months since we moved. While I can't say the pain is totally gone, it gets a little less intense every day and with the passing of every new milesone and holiday.

I agree with both of the above posters. I don't know if I would have ever been able to reconcile even if WH had been truly remorseful. The pain was too great. I couldn't breathe in the same room. I HAD to leave. And he's never given me a reason to go back.

The longer we're apart the easier it is. The pain will always be there, especially if I poke around in it. But gradually there are fewer killer days; less intense, less frequent, more of them focused on what's ahead instead of what's behind.

I doubt that would be the situation had I stayed. I too am kinda glad he wasn't R material because I don't think I was either. I think the As were deal breakers for me on top of the screwy relationship we had for 42 years. As I told him once, "unfortunately you chose the wrong wife to cheat on".

S was hard because no matter how much i knew the deal was broken, some part of me felt like the decision wasn't completely made. the fact that we had an infant made it hard. some annoying part of me kept "considering" R, even if XH didn't know it, even if i never said it outloud.

however, i eventually came to see that as i detached, things got a little easier. as i detached more, it improved further. by the time D came, the thought of R felt like dying, suffocating and panicking...my body wanted to flee.

XH was as remorseful as he knows how to be. what changed in my pain was that i wasn't trying to trust him anymore. i wasn't vulnerable to being "taken in" again. i could take things at face value if i chose. i could choose to care less, know less and fix less over time. i could make his actions or boundaries with women not matter to me or my life anymore. i could relax the muscles in my face. i could take real solace in friends and activities without the sinking feeling of returning home to trigger city. i could be with my daughter without wanting to slug him or complete with him and without doing facial gymnastics trying to contort into a "happy mommy loves you face."

it also let me get far away emotionally before he started hanging with OC and introducing her to my DD.

i tend to encourage people to go if they feel inclined. i just couldn't stay. i had to let go of the anger and calm myself and do it somewhere more peaceful than i do looking at his face.

(((sodamnlost)))

[This message edited by stretch13 at 9:33 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

I could not recover whilst in R - R was hurting me more each and every day. I had to forgive him for something new every single day (some things he did, some were moments that were ruined because of the bomb he put in the middle of our M).

I am very strongly wondering if this is me as well. It's like I can't DO both - heal me and heal US and I want to choose ME, just not sure if I am OK with losing US in the process. KWIM?

I don't know if I would have ever been able to reconcile even if WH had been truly remorseful. The pain was too great. I couldn't breathe in the same room. I HAD to leave.

My WH *IS* remorseful and is trying super hard now. My feelings are much like I can't breathe as well. I relax when away from him and tense up when around him. The guarded feeling just isn't working for me right now :-(

what changed in my pain was that i wasn't trying to trust him anymore. i wasn't vulnerable to being "taken in" again. i could take things at face value if i chose. i could choose to care less, know less and fix less over time. i could make his actions or boundaries with women not matter to me or my life anymore. i could relax the muscles in my face. i could take real solace in friends and activities without the sinking feeling of returning home to trigger city.

I wonder if detaching will *MAKE* this a deal breaker for these reasons. It is my WH's fear as well. I am contemplating a separation, just posted about it.

Deep down, I honestly don't WANT to be on THIS board, I WANT to be on the R board. I just don't know if I *CAN* R.

((sodamnlost))

I don't envy your position.

All throughout our 3m False R I insisted on Separation for a year. I wanted to sell the house, live separately come to a settlement with everything, change my name back, hell - I even wanted to divorce.

He begged and pleaded not to separate. Cried about it all the time. I had a LOT of pressure "I DON'T WANT TO SEPARATE" was all he could say. I was upset he wouldn't give me this one thing that I thought would help me heal.

I did not want that M - it sounds weird but I wanted S we could start again. Like a do-over if you will. That M was dead and I wanted to bury it for good.

TBH I also wanted to make it clear to him that I was not afraid to do it. I told him I wanted to put a blowtorch to our M(relationship) to see if it would survive. He thought I was trying to punish him - I don't think it was that exactly - I was testing him.

He failed. Between selling the house and moving out - at the turn of midnight on the night of our 8th wedding anniversary (I had been struggling needing space all week) he turned to me and gave me what felt like the most heartfelt apology he had every given me. I was too stuck in my own pain to reciprocate but I thanked him. Then moments later he snapped. Told me I wasn't committed to R, told me I was using him, punishing him etc. I went to leave because it was getting heated and he stopped me at the door and said: "if you walk out that door we are over". I said "You promise?" and walked out.

20 weeks after S he told me he was ready to introduce his office gopher as his new GF to my 5 and 2.5 year olds.

I hoped he was remorseful, he made all of the right noises. But something was just not quite right. The fact that he wouldn't stand by me on my request for S told me he wasn't in this if it got 'real' for him. IMO it needed to get a whole lot 'realer' for me to even have a chance at giving R a go.

In truth he wasn't remorseful - it was all regret. He was doing things because I asked, not of his own volition. I felt like the M-police, its no way to live.

His lack of remorse made the decision I may never have found the strength or courage to make. In a way it was a gift.

I don't envy your position here.

WS here. My BS was in limbo for a year and a half. It was so much harder for him because I was remorseful and "did all the right things." He told me how proud he was of all the changes I have made. However, it was a dealbreaker for him and he knew he would never be able to honestly love me again.

Since he made the decision and told me he wanted to D- he is so peaceful. He has come to terms with much of what happened and even told me he forgives me.

As painful as it is to lose him, I am so relieved he is more healed and happy now. Strangely, we are closer now than ever and are working towards agreement on all the D issues.

I guess what I am saying is I think there is something in the BS that just knows. When you make the decision that is alignment with what your soul knows you need, you will find peace. Not saying it will be easy or painless, but that it will put lighten you to know yo are on the right path.

WishingForLethe, Thank you. I hadn't thought of it from a Remorseful WS perspective before.

I don't envy your position here either. I do think you are in a better position than an unremorseful WS. You are healing - you will be healed. You won't be here again.

My XH actually moved out a few days before confirming the A. The only reason he told me about it was in an effort to get me to stop asking him to go to MC together. It was presented as proof that he was done with our marriage, nothing else. So slightly different situation maybe?

Definitely Un remorseful though, and we divorced as soon as we could (waiting period state).

I like to describe the pain as ripples in a pond. Dday was the initial stone dropping into an otherwise still pond, a big splash and disruption of pain. The waves of pain immediately surrounding that initial touch were big and close together. As the waves of pain got further from the initial dday, they kept coming, but they were smaller and further apart each time. Those waves represent the bad days. At first it was all bad days, total tumult. But eventually I had the occasional good day, then a few good days in a week, then 50/50, then gradually more good days then bad, then eventually the bad days were the ones that only came occasionally. Now, when I've been separated/divorced from him 4x longer than we were married, I still have an occasional (very rare) twinge of awkward (more than pain), but my bad days are from other things in life, and I do feel healed and moved on completely.

We all have a favorite four letter word around here - time.

by the time D came, the thought of R felt like dying, suffocating and panicking...my body wanted to flee.

rereading my post i wanted to clarify...R always felt like dying to me, full of suffocation and panic. i guess what i meant was that over time, as i detached, i got less panicked about leaving and losing. eventually, staying felt like prison and leaving felt like starting over, as me, with a chance at a life lived more calmly.

((((wishingforlethe)))) i was the same way. letting go gave me a sense of my kinder self back.

I was liberated on the day we separated. I was hysterical, but liberated. I alternated between hard sobbing which lasted for a few seconds at a time and almost giddy laughter that I was finally going to be free from him.

I've been very honest here that this has overall been incredibly painful for me. I'm still going through hell. I'm just not setting up residence in it. Too hot for my liking. I'm just passing through.

I am only about 6 months out and desperately trying to stay on the R board, but this thread struck a real chord with me. I have been reading/posting about the detachment issue as I have felt more and more detached as he seems more and more remorseful, but I am now wondering if its more regret.. I am not sure. I don't have anything to add to this thread, I just wanted to comment that I appreciate this thread and people being so honest, it helps validate that if or when I do decide that D is what I want, I am not alone . thank you.

For those of us with an unremorseful WS I think the pain just slowly subsides as we move on.

sodamnlost - I have said this to others in your position. One thing I will always envy of you is that you at least got the chance to try. Some of us here, including me, would of given anything to try and R. To try and fix things. We were so in love with our spouses. If we had tried and then determined things were too broke, then so be it, it was our right to move on. But the fact we never even got that chance, that hurt me deeper. For me it forced me into that dark place where you ask questions about yourself (am I a good enough man, a good enough father, etc). Plus I tried too hard to hold on, I became an overly attentive idiot to her. She was never coming back, I just couldn't see it. Once I got here and the great friends I have here set me straight I started taking action to benefit me and my kids. Once I told her parents and my parents she claimed everything was too broken at that point, she couldn't face them for the rest of her life. All BS if you truly want to R so I knew at that point she was already gone. But my long winded point is, at least you got the chance to try. I wanted to try so bad but it was never there for me.

Yes, with time and distance the pain does change. At first it is a real loss of self and all that you have known (in my case, 20+yrs). I was already somewhat detached when I found out about his latest fling (EA?PA)so it was easier to seperate. He was regretful one day and then the next said I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with. That was the final straw for me. I filed for D the next day. The D took 2.5yrs and by the time it was over I was just so glad to finally be rid of him and his contant mind games. I had already moved on and was in love with my WH#2, so indifference came a little quicker for me. I now have no feeling for XWH#1. I wish him no pain or misfortune anymore. Our children are grown and living on their own. We hardly ever have reason to have contact, but are cordial when we do. The pain does go away eventually and you can find happiness after a D. R is very hard to do after an affair and really takes two people who love and respect each other to make it work. Sometimes the pain is too much to get past in a marriage even with a remorseful spouse who is doing everything they can. Sometimes the cut is too deep to heal while in the marriage and you no longer have the blind trust that made your marriage special to you. You now know what they are capable of and that is a very hard thing to get past. I know I have stayed longer this time than I would have had I been younger when this happened. I am still debating what my best option at this point is. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you and if you can get past this and try to R. (((HUGS)))

So much in this thread rings true for me. We were in false R for 7 months, about half of which I knew in my heart I wanted to S, I knew I would not be able to forgive him. R felt suffocating and confusing and just horrible. We are still only weeks into S, it is still painful and confusing. I am really hoping that it will get easier soon.

One thing I will always envy of you is that you at least got the chance to try. Some of us here, including me, would of given anything to try and R. To try and fix things.

I have to say this is honestly dead on. I have been through the ringer and back trying to get out of limbo. I have decided to give R a chance. WH is remorseful and has some serious potential as a man. Kinda crazy the way it happened really and the weight that lifted off me once I made the decision.