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I have been on the D or R fence for a long time. I know it's only 7 months since the first Dday, 2 since latest day more lies about his A were uncovered. I know I don't HAVE to make a decision yet. I also know, I *need* to, for me. I can't live in limbo. Limbo is holding me back. I need to know which path I am on.

I started back into IC today and this was one of the big topics (the rest was filling her in on last 4 months, I saw her in the beginning). She has asked me to contemplate a one month separation, for ME. To get head space, work on ME and see what life is like without my WH. I am leaning towards this being a really good idea. I have tossed around something like this in my head for awhile now.

So, for those who have done this - any suggestions on what works and what doesn't? I am thinking we go MOSTLY NC (kids and money excluded obviously). Maybe one night a week where we get together and talk about our week. I don't want this to be a time for him to woo me back but I do want to see who he is becoming. How do I balance those two needs out? What about sex? It's REALLY sad that going a month without sex has me stressed but it does :-(

Any thoughts or experiences VERY welcomed here.

Well based on your post, I'm sorry to say that sex would definitely be out.

If you want to experience what life would be without him, it should be WITHOUT him. No ties except kids and money. Mostly NC is best. It really brings clarity.

I wasn't able to get real clarity until STBX and I physically seperated (previously 5months of in-house hell). And begin to heal.

I was on the fence right after DDay. He moved out for 5 months, then we had 4 months of in-house separation and now we have 1.5 yrs since I moved out.

You will definitely find out fast that life is very different for you both.

I don't know if you have kids, but that is a whole shit storm by itself when separated. Also I found that my WH did not like the back and forth, driving around.

No more mutual cooking, cleaning or whatever you did as a couple. Its all by yourself. Noone there to greet you when you get home or help with the kids/pets at your house.

Separation definitely does open the eyes and reveal many parts of your relationship.

You can also stipulate the timeframe, 1 month, 6 months. There is no time limit on your decision. Its just what is best for you.

Keep in mind that for me, that first separation didn't allow me to see what he was doing, who he was texting, etc. This may drive you a little crazy, but its a necessary part of the process.

You will also get a benefit to see how committed he is because you won't be right there to talk to him at home. He will have to make an effort to call/email you. My WH was distraught when I went NC. I didn't see him for a week at a time. He would leave messages saying "just call me, I want to talk to you".

Oh yeah and um No sex. It just complicates the learning experience of separation.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 5:39 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

Are you considering in house separation, or would one of you phyiscally vacate the home?

I think that there are a lot of emotional benefits to this. I agree with your IC that you need to headspace to focus on yourself.

That said, please talk to an attorney about the implications of things like moving out, or separating finances at all in your jurisidction. WIth the reality that this could lead to a more permanent solution, you want to be sure you protect yourself. I would be afraid of losing use of your home later if you move out, etc.

If you are worried about no sex, I'm not sure you are seriously ready to leave your WH.

My IC believes (as do I) that separation is not to be taken lightly. It typically is the first step towards divorce. Be very sure that's what you want, because if you are thinking about separating just to teach him a lesson, or make him see what he will be missing, then you need to rethink that.

I am talking about him leaving for a month, not me. I have kids, not biologically his but he has been there since my youngest was only a year old.

We don't own anything worth fighting over nor do we have mutual or individual debt that wasn't there when we got married. We are defiantly a paycheck to paycheck family most weeks.

I have no intention of taking a separation lightly. I have been thinking about it for months. We have been talking about it for weeks.

Yeah the no sex thing bugs me, I shall admit this. If we were to D, I know darn well I wouldn't date for a VERY long time but I surely would find a safe "friend" to help me in that area. I am not a fan of no sex, never have been, call me shallow, I am OK with that.

I am struggling with a few core concepts and not rushing this decision at all. I know just how serious all this is, I live it daily.

Thank you everyone for giving me more stuff to "chew on" while I try to sort out my head.

IMO< you should not separate unless you are ready to D. You cannot work on your relationship if you are separated. In addition being mostly S except that you are fuck buddies is a bad bad idea. All that does is mess with your head and his head.

If you want to D, then start with S. If you want to R, then do not even consider S. If you are unsure, then you are not ready to D so you should not S. JMHO

Get a battery powered BF if you need sex.

Seriously.

It's my impression that a trial sep is really a practice divorce

I am desperately in need of advice on this topic. My husband asked for a trial separation on 3/4/13. Aside from utter and total shock from me, he then moved back into his parent's house on 3/11/13. He says over and over he wants "space" and time to get his head straight. Bear in mind he is an Iraq Vet, suffering PTSD and depression and to top it off, just hit his 10 yr anniv of the day he deployed. I will give him that he is dealing with a lot emotionally. But now it gets tricky, so I find out on 3.20.13 that he has indeed had an indiscretioin on 2.1.13 and I found out in a bad way. When I confronted him, he felt D was the only option and said he was too guilty and has been considering a separation for the past 6 months. I am soooo confused on how he went from A-Z when he never talked to me and we have been actively trying to get pregnant with our 2nd child. We have a 4 yr old who is the light of our lives. I could write a book on our love and the beauty of our marriage, going on 12 yrs next month and 14 yrs together. But this is clearly an issue with him feeling guilty about his indiscretion, which he swears was just a kiss in a drunken moment, but he also doesn't seem to feel bad, he is walking away from me and making me suffer, so I lose out of everything? He only keeps saying "separation", and "space" and has never again brought up the D word, since 3.21.13 and he didn't even bring it up then, it was lots of confused sentences after being confronted with what I know. I have more to say but I'm already so lost and am emphatically against separation as it is not giving us any opportunity to work on anything but keep him in a "bachelor" zone. However, a month and a half into our "separation" and we are still married, I have no idea where we are headed and have gotten strong mixed signals from friends and from him. Friends who have been talking to him, not one person supports him leaving me but all our friends are couples so they are trying to help us both but nobody knows what to say to me and I'm keeping faith and standing by him and giving him space, is there ANY hope he will come out of this distressed fog and come back to his family?

I'm soooo scared and lost and hurt and sad. But somehow, I'm keeping faith that he will come back.

[This message edited by Willowtree at 12:34 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

I was in R for 7 months but felt that I needed a trial separation in order to get some space in order to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't think I could decide what I really wanted without the chance to see what life would be like without him. We are S now, not formally a trial, but I am open to the possibility of R somewhere along the road. Plus his accommodation is quite temporary and our finances are still joined as I have no other means to support me and my kids at this point.

IMO, a trial separation can be a good way to get some space to really work on healing yourself and deciding what you want. I haven't been able to go NC, it's too hard to lose my best friend as well as my husband. That does really muddy the waters and get in the way of finding that clarity, so if you can go NC, or as close to it as possible, I recommend doing so.

[This message edited by ShockedAndHurt at 6:07 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]