SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Exww is getting remarried. Since the collective wisdom here is the best ever... I need advice, support, or 2x4s regarding an issue with this.

Background:

Officially, I do not know she is getting remarried because I have only heard it through my littles after she made the announcement to them, explained how she needed someone in her life, how it was important for her... (as my eldest said, "I heard me, me, me and I wondered about us."), and how it would be good for all of them to move on as a family.

They do not like him. I don't think for any horrific reasons (they would tell me- they tell me EVERYTHING), they just don't like how he makes them feel like strangers in their mother's house. (he has been around since June) Littlest is most tolerant, eldest is least.

I validate there feelings, support them, encourage them to discuss things with their mother, encourage them to speak out (they do not like him at their events), and give them a safe place to vent and talk.

I do not tell them to get used to it, make the best of it, accept the situation, and try to build a relationship with the mother's boyfriend. I think that invalidates their feelings and doesn't give them the time and space to develop a way to cope with things on their own. I also believe the new marriage will not last (third for her, fourth for him- statistically doomed at 26% success rate) and I feel I would be complicit in causing even more emotional damage to my littles if I encouraged them to calm down and open up a relationship with this person.

Personally, I do not want them to develop a relationship with this other male. It is tough to admit, but it is true. I am their father. I have them half the time (often more because of first right of refusal). I am their rock, their go to person, their confidant, their support, the disciplinarian, the teacher... all things they do not get at the mothers... They know they matter to me.

So, is my complicity thinking just a fat juicy rationalization because I feel threatened?

is it because I still want to be a the shield father (protect kids from mother and her bad decisions) even though I can't half the time?

I do need opinions. I want to do the right thing by the littles- while minimizing the harm to them... but I want to do it for the right reasons, not because of some irrational fear that I will lose more of them beyond the half time they are not with me.

(background- their mother threatens to take me to court for more custody every three weeks- often more- and despite knowing it is near impossible to change custody agreements... it really puts the zap on me)

I honestly dont see the "complicity thinking" here.

You're allowing your kids the freedom to come to you with their concerns, complaints, and thoughts. Just because our waywards are "ready to move on" (since the world revolves around them), does not mean the kids and everyone else involved should be on that same time table.

Unless you're outright blasting your XWW and her current boyfriend, I see nothing wrong with what you're doing.

Thank you.

No, I do not blast them.

I just feel social pressure to encourage the littles to accept the situation, be resilient (hate that term for kids- forced adaption isn't resilience), and accept this person because...

Dont fall into that social pressure crap. If we go by what society seems to think is ok, then we should all be cheating or whatever feels good at the moment.

Instead I believe we need to teach our kids that sometimes the right thing isnt always the easy thing.

You're their safe place. Don't change a thing (in my opinion).

I validate there feelings, support them, encourage them to discuss things with their mother, encourage them to speak out (they do not like him at their events), and give them a safe place to vent and talk.

That's perfect, keep on doing just that. My feeling is that it's not your job to encourage them to develop a relationship with this new adult. That job belongs to him and their mother.

However I would suggest is that if they DO say that they like something about him, be positive or at least neutral.