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So my youngest has soccer practice last night, which she has had for the last 4 weeks. I am helping coach and last night I ran our practice. She does not show up for practice (her Mom has her on Tuesday nights). So I get home and send an email stating "Your daughter missed practice tonight. It is unacceptable that I did not get a text or email indicating she would not be there"

She writes back "Sorry - forgot about practice"

Really. 4 weeks of this already. Same day/time each week. You forgot. Please. F-ing muppet.

If you're the coach, could you just swing by and pick your DD up for practice and then drop her off when you're done?

Sultan coached my youngest's basketball team and they had practice and some games during *my* time, but since Sultan was going to be there anyway....he just took DS with him and it worked out really well.

Yes I could do that. I'm not doing well with the co-parenting deal. We have had so much fallout the last month or two with the wrap up of the asset division. I have told her we stick to the letter of the law on the childcare agreement. Which to me means if you have the kids, you are responsible to get them to scheduled events. The problem obviously is the word "responsible". So yes maybe I have to suck up my pride and pick up and drop off even though its totally inconvenient and the opposite way of where I am going for practice. Maybe I'll just forget to bring her back to her Mom's after practice. (I'm kidding of course - but would love to tell her oops I forgot).

She just has other more important "me" things... you should know that by now. "its time to put on make-up its time to dress up right, its time to get things started..."

At least she didn't blame your daughter. Mine blames the littles when she misses something. "He or she didn't tell me the right time," is her favorite blameshift to the littles. The other most popular is, "He or she refused to get ready." And the ole standby double blameshift, "You didn't send the stuff with them... (ten minutes later)... he or she must have hid it." (on the seat of her car)

I still always coach, though. Too much fun. And where else will I get to witness (outside of bad reality television) such bizarro behavior? Always makes me feel pretty darn normal.

experience note (warning).... mine "co-parented" until it wasn't what she wanted and unilaterally quit and went parallel parenting without telling me. This was three years after the D.

[This message edited by quedagh at 1:06 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Que - In parallel parenting do you mean she just did her own thing, not communicate anymore, etc?

I believe we are co-parenting, we are just not doing it amicably. I send very short emails to say this or that. I refuse to text her unless necessary. We do not talk to each other at the few kids events we both attend. I'm sure the kids see it but I will not try anymore. I still have some anger and I can safely say I have a lot of hate for her.

Just curious what your experience was when the parenting changed.

Dad,

In the beginning, we spoke several times a week regarding schedules and the littles- how they were coping, what we could do for them, etc. We attended all activities at same time and sat together to show support. Shared birthday party times. All happy text book co-parenting support of kids through traumatic time.

Then she bailed on the shared input. I am not sure why but I suspect it has something to do with the boyfriend she started seeing. (a couple months after she quit co-parenting she went nutso attack me again and I had to call police... again)She changed all the processes we had in place for the kids, too.

She quit using the "back-and-forth" bin for the kids stuff, demanded all the clothes she bought back (and sent what I bought over to me), wont do the mid week "I forgot my ____" drop off, just a whole bunch of petty stuff. I took it in stride- but it really upset (and still does) the littles regarding some of the things she started doing.

The big things are shared but not discussed... Dr/Dentist visits, home from school sickness, activities, parent/teacher conference.

We have our own home rules here at my house- routines, bed times, chores, front seat practices... etc. I do not know what she does. In truth, this is actually better for the littles because they know exactly where they stand in at least one house- that it will always be consistent, and that they can rely on those structures and boundaries. When we "co-parented" she half enforced our mutual decisions, and pretty much left them confused as to when she would follow through and when she would not.

I do not speak to her any longer (advice from law enforcement, my lawyer (despite decree violation this entails), and mental health professionals) and will only respond to texts and emails that are specific about the little's schedules and money. I keep back-ups of every bit of correspondence and text exchange and still carry a VAR at kid functions just in case.

I admit, my ex is a bit more off balance than most and this horror show may not be your future.

However, it seems your ex ww shares some similar selfish (perhaps narcissistic?) tendencies. Be wary. Stay vigilant. Listen to your littles and let them talk- they need to know you are a safe place to talk (another advantage to not speaking with their mother- they felt safe confiding in me because they knew I wouldn't share it with her).

Validate their feelings (even if they say they hate their mother or you or anything else). And guide them to wise coping solutions.

They love their mother- but you do not ever have to defend her goofy crap or cover for her ever again. They will see her for what she really is in a very short time. They will still love her- but they will learn not to rely on her. This, too, is one of the best things to come out of this horror show for them. Mine saw first hand how she mucked up reality every chance she got... now that they get to experience life without mom's influence and life driven by her. There is no comparison in their heads. I just wish I hadn't agreed to half custody. UGH.

I hope this helps and I actually answered your question... feel free to hit me up anytime. I am by no means an expert, just had some experience and am a bit further along in the process.

(by the way- I have three littles 13, 10, and 6. The youngest is a girl)

[This message edited by quedagh at 2:40 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]