SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of them is asking the other if they are going to come see the other one the next day.

Gee, I wonder what the answer to that question is?

Like we've all been saying. He needs a wake up call. Approaching him about it and whatever counseling he has had apparently hasn't worked.

If you're having a hard time with divorce (which we all can certainly understand), offering a different suggestion. Of course, these are suggestions only, and it is your life, your choice. Anyways, here it is. Next time you see him, tell him that you want him to get tested for STDs. When he objects, tell him that you know about his EAs, possibly PAs, and before you will even consider staying with him, he needs to get tested for STDs because you don't want none of that. And in all honesty, you really don't. It truly is for your own health.

When he objects further, show him the door, change the locks, etc.

In the unlikely event he does comply, then I don't know, maybe file for separation only where he has to leave the house until he has gone to counseling and made rather significant improvements.

Of course, anything I suggest should be taken with a grain of salt. Talk with a lawyer.

We kind of had a little blow up last night. I didn't want to talk about it because the kids were here, but he knew I had been crying and he kept pushing. I told him I found those messages. I haven't shown him because I don't want him to know how I found them yet. I still want to see if I cn find more. He just denied it and kept telling me to show him. He said he was going to pack some clothes and leave. He didn't yet. He just ended up sleeping on the couch. I'm not even sure how to talk to him about this at this point. Thanks for everyone's advice and encouragement. I am a lawyer, so I know how to protect myself that way. It's the emotional part that I don't know what to do with. I'm a strong person in most situations, but now I just feel weak.

There is no magic pill to take that helps deal with the emotional shit. Honestly, putting the separation there helps you figure out what works for you to deal with it. But if you're not giving yourself that secret place, what can you do but suffer. Trust me, I have suffered too long because I wasn't giving myself that space.

That's why people are saying do everything you can to protect yourself and your environment. Give yourself what you need.

As my sig says "Arise and be all that you dreamed." You have to give yourself time to dream about what it is you want. You can't do that if you're constantly dealing with his lying ass.

I found out this morning that when this girls mom died, last August, she called him to come over because she was upset. And he did. Her dad and my husband are friends, so we have become fairly close with her family, but still... It seems odd to me that he is the one she would call. He was on duty and he still went over there. I asked him why she didnt call her boyfriend (fiancé now). He said because he was working. Come on! Her mom died and her boyfriend couldn't go over there? He's making me feel like I'm the one being unreasonable. That this is all normal behavior. It's not, is it? I am so confused! I don't want to live like this. I'm just so worried about the fall out from a divorce and being alone. I've been with him since I was 16. I'm 38 now.

He said because he was working. Come on! Her mom died and her boyfriend couldn't go over there?

Yea, that sounds fishy.

I'm just so worried about the fall out from a divorce and being alone.

Amberdawn, you are not alone. Don't underestimate the power of these forums. This place truly is a treasure. If nothing more than an escape and a place to vent, that's enough.

Frankly, worry is a waste of time at this point. You know what you have to lose at this point if you don't do what's right for you? Your own happiness and sanity. He is obviously robbing you of both at the moment, and will continue to do so until you put a stop to it.

I will say the best thing I have done in my situation is to simply separate myself from xWW emotionally and just concentrate on my and my kid's future. I'm not saying we'll never get back together, but the odds are slim.

It seems he has no intention of thinking about how you feel about these things--only how he feels. What is the likelihood of him changing?

Its not normal behavior for a married man to have a private relationship with another woman. He should not be her emotional comfort, and should not be secretly seeing her, especially if he has a history of infidelity. He should respect that the relationship makes you uncomfortable.

I so feel you pain...I think all of us BS do. You say you fear being olone...but don't you feel alone now anyways? It is torture to love someone, be together and feel lonely. I relate 100%. Yor WH needs a 2 X 4 wake-up call. You nned not divorce, but he doesn't get it now. Think about a legal seperation, with groundrules for no relationships during the seperation. I think you will fing you can/will be fine on your own, and he will be the big baby...change is harder when someone else forces the change.

Amberdawn – My WH acted the same way. Always had an excuse that I my suspicions were wrong. Whenever I did not back down he would threaten to leave or sleep in another room. This is just his way to get you to leave him alone. I found a crumbled note WH denied was his. He actually tried to convince me the note must be from our 14 your old daughter – a note that said I can’t wait to fuck you. How disturbing is that? After I found a text he couldn’t deny he confessed. When I mentioned the note as an example of how low he went to not tell me the truth he felt awful. My point is that they will say anything to get a BS off track. They will convince you are crazy to think they are cheating. At times I wanted to believe the excuses, the stories. Anything to not have to admit my husband was cheating.

The sad thing is they say they want the marriage but they felt entitled to cheat. I read another poster writing something like that you have to willing to lose the marriage to save the marriage. I believe this is true. I did finally tell WH to leave if he was not going to tell me the truth. I was having problems with our son and WH was so busy with his other life and trying to keep me off track to help me with our son. I finally had to tell him to leave. It has not been easy trying to R but deep down he realizes I will tell him to leave again – and I have. Children add to the difficulty of the decision. None of us want to raise children in a single home and worry about how it will affect them. If it wasn’t for our children I probably would have left him. That is sad to admit.

We are going to MC and I hope one day to trust again. I hope to stop looking for clues and not react to behavior that reminds of the past. Each month that goes by it gets easier. But it takes the WS to try to change their behavior and be honest. We are all different and recovery from an A is different for each couple. The important factor is WS needs to be willing to be honest and change. I am sorry but from what you describe yours does not seem willing to change yet.