SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have been here a little over a year and the two things that I have taken away from SI more than anything else are these nuggets:

1. You absolutely have to be willing to lose your M and your WS in order to R.

What that ultimately means is that you have to get to a place where you decide that you love yourself more. It is an important concept and one that is often lost when in the discovery phase. BS are often so desperate to hold on that we forget that we are the prize. Anyone who is not willing to do the work, who does not want to be in this relationship, is truly not worth our time.

2. You have to start working on yourself in order to heal and in order to R the right way.

I have read my fair share of people who say they are in R and who aren't. I myself was one of them, or maybe I was and R is just a process. What is really important, though, is that you come to an understanding that YOU have to rebuild YOU and the life you want to have. That means that you have to start doing things for you, being selfish, putting yourself first. Start doing things you enjoy, find a new hobby, enjoy an old one, make new friends or call the old ones you let slip away. Go out, be busy, enjoy life. I am convinced that this is way more attractive to any WS or anyone else for that matter, than sitting and wallowing. And I am guilty of that!

^^Part of doing these kinds of things means that you have to be willing to lose your partner. Why? Because often we, as the BS, are so scared we will lose them, we stay at home. We're vigilant. We look at emails, phone logs, text messages, scour the internet for clues to secret emails, search for advice. Basically, our fear of losing our WS chains us to this pain and agony.

It took me a long time to realize these two nuggets. I am writing them down in hopes that maybe some noobs will find it helpful.

I have started to do these things. I wish I had started earlier. I have wasted a year of my life chained to my fear. I have felt less worthy. No more.

So I ask anyone willing to share, what have you done to reinvent yourself, to find yourself?

I'll start:

I had posted awhile ago that I wanted to run a 5K. I was down on myself and scared etc.. Well, I have started training.

I put myself out there and asked a few friends. It was scary because a few told me no. Then I found a friend who said yes so we started together. I didn't even know her that well. She has since brought two friends and now we have a group. I feel good. This is separate from my WH and its about me. I also have had a few texts from friends asking me how I am doing and encouraging me. I can't tell you had good that feels and it has absolutely nothing to do with my WH!

I also started to plan things without my WH. Not in a mean way, but just to start building my life. So on Sunday, I am having some girlfriends over to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. We are going to eat and drink and talk and laugh. I am looking forward to it so much.

So these are two tiny steps I have taken. What steps have you taken?

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 2:27 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Thanks for the advice 'brokensmile322'. I haven't been here very long, but appreciate your thoughts, and they make perfect sense to me.

I can't answer your question - what have I done to find myself - because I've been too focussed on 'fixing' things. But now I'm going to take a little time to plan something just for little old me.

[This message edited by jj21 at 3:07 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

what a great great post!

Thing is, I did all those things before the shit hit the fan... I still do. I have friends, hobbies, etc.

I told my Mom this weekend that I had done everything on my bucket list. I really have. Now what? Make a new one? I just want peace in my life and to be happy with what I do have..

I so get your message to be willing to let the marriage go to recover and heal.

Basically, our fear of losing our WS chains us to this pain and agony.

so true. Thank you for posting all this!

You're totally right,first we've to rebuild ourselves and our life as separate individuals. I'm struggling with learning to love myself, not begging for love from WH. Also trying to forgive myself for not seeing who he really was, for the mistakes I made for the fear of loosing him.

On the silver lining part of A, that is the things I would never had done without A:

IC and discovering a lot about me, my issues but also my strong points

Learn a new language.

Take tai-chi-chuan lessons and dance lessons- really good for my health and met new interesting friends

stay in constant contact with friends and try to make new ones..

I've other plans, too, but no time for them now.

I don't think this is being selfish or that I should feel guilty if I try at last to improve my life. I've still some bad days, miracles don't happen, but doing things helps a lot.

Great post! I totally agree that these are very key. Our R didn't really start until I really got this. Within weeks of Dday, I started training for a half marathon. I met a great group of women and purged so much negativity during those long runs! I did a lot of other things for myself as well. However, it wasn't until I really decided I was ready to leave the marriage unless everything changed, that R really started...4 months after Dday. The biggest and best thing I did for myself? IC, hands down.

Need the like button for this thread

So so true. Both partners have to heal and work on themselves and be healthy before the M can be.

I have been back in school full time in this past year. I almost dropped my classes in the semester that I found out, but I managed to stay in and pass them all. I start at a University this fall. I have taken dog training back up again, that is my passion.

You have to invest in you, not just the M. Or your WS.

Great thread.

You are so right. I am starting to take up jogging and go back to activities I foolishly gave up because WS did not like them. Yes I am guilty of being a pleaser ( my FOO issue and working on it). I am determined to get in shape and feel good about myself.

[This message edited by Wonderingwhy11 at 11:31 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

I started boot camp 2 months after d day. I have also begun reconnecting with my girlfriends again. Takes nights out with the girls and letting WH stay home with the kids.

Next week I will start my college classes to help further my career. This will either help our family get ahead or help me care for my children in my own if r doesn't work out. Either way I will be okay.

This is so spot on. I had a light bulb go off in my head yesterday when I posted about inflicting more pain on ourselves. I NEED to work on me. I looked at the days I was doing better. All those days were days I was doing things for myself. I did ALOT in the past 24 hours.

1. I stopped playing the songs on the radio and put back on that old rock music that I love. That I stopped listening to when I lost myself identity

2. I started learning how to accept my reality and not let it have such a hold on me. The key is finding myself again.

3. I plugged in my guitar and rocked the hell out full blast, worked up a sweat and had a blast

4. I decided if my wife didn't want to read the books our MC suggested I would just read them on my own (Amazing thing my wife picked it up without me asking and started reading it to me)

5. I decided that I deserve my spouse to speak my Love Language. I am learning how to speak hers if she doesn't put in the effort to give to me what I need to feel loved then that is a deal breaker for me.

6. I started journaling today

7. I am meeting up with my BIL tonight and we are hitting the gym

8. I told my WW what I need from her to make me feel love and told her if she really wants the marriage we have been talking about having she is going to have to learn it. Just as I have been learning to show her the love she needs.

9. I told my W that I need to do stuff for me more. I also told her when I do it gives her time to work on herself or just relax.

Future things for me:

Start Rock Climbing, Play more raquetball, go hiking on Sat Mornings, have more fun!!!

*If my W wants to join in on any of these things she is more than welcome. But I am doing them regardless.

I FEEL SO MUCH MORE ALIVE!!!!

THANKS FOR THIS POST!!!!

Brokensmile...your post could not have come at a better time. I just posted that I am comparing and wallowing, and torturing myself! It's just terrible.

From time to time I can remember to care for myself, make my own plans, do what I need to do, but I so easily go backwards with the checking, with the worrying and it makes me more anxious not less anxious.

I have been running a lot, bought new workout clothes, spending time with friends, etc., but the last 3 days we have had horrible weather and I have not gotten out. I think that has contributed to my feeling down.

Your post gave me a nice slap upside the head! You are my angel today!

THANKS SO MUCH!!! I am going to copy and hang on to what you have posted!

Maybe I am the exception rather than the rule here. During my first marriage, I completely lost myself to a verbally/emotionally abusive spouse. I knew for a long time I needed to leave and find myself again. It took 2+ years, but I finally did. I played in the orchestra, I went out dancing, I had regular dates with my girlfriends, I started running. I swore I would never lose myself in a relationship again. When my current H and I started dating, I told him those things straight up. I was fortunate enough to get a full-time job that layer well, kept my kids in the same buding as me and that I LOVED. Within a week of me starting that job, my H started his EA that turned to a PA in less than 3 months. My efforts to focus on me, kept me from focusing on him either because I was physically gone or because I was exhausted. (Note, this is not be taking blame for his choice, but recognizing that my actions pre-A left him feeling lonely and abandoned). I still play with the orchestra. I still have lunch dates (or pedicure dates) with my girlfriends. I will start running again as soon as my dr releases me (I just had a baby). But, I stay home. Expendable income and that extra boost of self are not as important as my being home when my H is here (he works 24/7 on call, so we never know when he will be home). It also boost his ego that he is the sole monetary provider for our family. So, for me, R meant taking some of my focus OFF of me and giving it to my H.

Musiclovingmom,

I hear what you are saying. I, too, Pre A was not attentive to my WH. I was wrapped up in my life and he in his. I would say that I was probably more like your WH though. I felt more lonely as my WH had way more going on in his life to fulfill him.

You are right. I do need to focus on him and we have done that. We have reconnected, but you know what? I was still missing something. The something that I am talking about, is that no matter how full your life is Pre A, once dday happens everything blows up. A lot of BS go into panic mode. Their busy trying to save something they often didn't know they were losing. We get sick, we lose weight, we can't get out of bed, we are depressed, we don't shower.... You get my drift. Many of us get stuck in a vigilant trap of checking and rechecking on our spouses. Stalking the AP. We spend countless hours trying to figure it out. What really happened? Why? It can be obsessive.

^^None of that helps. This is where I mean that you have to be willing to STOP. This is when we lose ourselves. This is where I am talking about that we have to stop the madness. Start focusing back on you. You have to be willing to realize that you cannot control your WS. You have to let go.

Thanks for the post brokensmile.

I have to say that I was determined to get out of bed and get dressed every single day and I did. I went to the gym and I worked out...HARD! I kept volunteering within our community and at the school bc each time I was there my heart felt a little stronger thanks to the kids. I treated myself to things I had LONG been denying - a hair cut and colour, a massage, a new pair of winter boots!

Honestly - I would put everyone in this house (and even outside this house) before me time and time again. The A sort of snapped my head back and made me STOP that kind of madness. I had to realize that while it is wonderful to give time to others, I also needed to give time to me too.

However, as great as getting a hair cut is, I also knew that if we wanted to R, we needed to start talking - we needed to listen to one another. We needed to RE-connect. He was doing everything possible to demonstrate remorseful behavior. He continues doing this. I realized I had to be fully in or fully out. I chose the former. I read the books (still do), go to IC and MC. I want to be a better me. I knew that I needed to heal, regardless.

The discovery of the A was a brutal awakening to have to realize this but this is what happened and we are dealing with it.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:27 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

We get sick, we lose weight, we can't get out of bed, we are depressed, we don't shower.... You get my drift. Many of us get stuck in a vigilant trap of checking and rechecking on our spouses. Stalking the AP. We spend countless hours trying to figure it out. What really happened? Why? It can be obsessive.

I totally get you. And thank you for the great post. I think this^^^ is part of the process. I think it is unavoidable. I don't think any of us should beat ourselves up for it.

There was a 3-4 month period where I only left the house a hand full of times. I couldn't. I would get a few miles from home and I just couldn't do it. I hated myself for not being able to go on with my life.

It was a vicious cycle. The more I tried to force myself to heal the more I felt like a failure. The more I felt like a failure the harder I tried to heal.

It wasn't until I let go and accepted that what I was going through was normal and believed that one day , some day, it would somehow get better that things started to change.

Since then I have been able to recommit to work, fully recommit to my 12 step fellowship and reconnect with friends. I started yoga a couple days a week and exercise regularly. I started eating healthier. I have become much more focused on me.

We get sick, we lose weight, we can't get out of bed, we are depressed, we don't shower.... You get my drift. Many of us get stuck in a vigilant trap of checking and rechecking on our spouses. Stalking the AP. We spend countless hours trying to figure it out. What really happened? Why? It can be obsessive.

I totally get you. And thank you for the great post. I think this^^^ is part of the process. I think it is unavoidable. I don't think any of us should beat ourselves up for it.

Thank you for this. This is me.

I have lost myself. My # 1 priority for the past 20+ yrs has been the family that we created. And during the past 2 yrs since I found out that he betrayed that, I have been lost.

Today I was near AP's house & almost without thinking I started to drive in the direction of her block. I really don't think I will see WH's car in front of her house, it's just that I have this compulsion to monitor what's going on, & intellectually, I know its because I think if I know maybe I can have more control.

But the truth is, I have no control over what WH does. If he is going to do it again, I can't stop it. They still work together, so he can see her at work.

Today, I said to myself, you have already wasted too much time & energy thinking about OW. Don't give her 1 second more. Someone said on another post No Contact=not caring.

Guess what, I was able to turn my car the other way,towards home. All of the energy I have spent being hyper vigilant I could have spent on myself. Hasn't she already stolen enough from me?

So, I have to start all over again, finding out who I am now.

I am super excited! I am registering in a few days for my first 5k!!!

I have been training for a few weeks with my girlfriend and we have added a few more here or there at times.

We are pushing each other.

My WH has asked to join us. I think to support me. He is encouraging. Not sure if I will or if I want this to be just about me...

I wanted to share because a few months ago I was so sad. Comparing myself to the OW who is a marathon runner and places in first three in her age group all the time. Running a 5k was on my bucket list before my mom died and then it got lost because of her illness and death. Then this happened and I lost my way.... Then I didn't want to do it because I thought my WH would think I was doing it because of OW.

I just wanted to share because I know when we are on the down part of the roller coaster, it feels hopeless sometimes.

Have a great weekend everyone!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:22 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

Good for you brokensmile322! You will feel so proud of yourself when you accomplish your goal. Just registering is a huge deal!

I completed my first 5K a couple of years ago but then I didn't keep up with it for a few reasons. Now after Dday, I have started back with a Learn to Run group to get back into it. I have registered for a 5K in less than a month and I won't be quite ready to run the full 5K by then but I am going to keep at it.

My WH has asked to join us. I think to support me. He is encouraging. Not sure if I will or if I want this to be just about me...

Perhaps you and he could go out running together so he can feel like he is supporting you but you keep running with your friend and the 5K for yourself.

You can do it! We can do it!

I just reread this bit of text this morning. Working on my own uncool.

Sol LeWitt's advice to Eva Hesse

Learn to say “Fuck You” to the world once in a while.

You have every right to.

Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose-sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding grinding grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO.

Don’t worry about cool. Make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world.

Spot on. Thanks for the reminder.

Year 1:

I picked a half marathon, trained for it (obsessively with Hal higdon program), completed it

I went away for 3 nights by myself to a beautiful relaxing place.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:15 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

What a great thread. It has taken me over three years to finally snap out of the idea that I need to earn him back. He needs to earn ME back! I signed up for a weekly Pilates class, and am committing to exercising at least two other times during the week. I'm going to meet girlfriends for coffee and take care of me!