SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The title says it all. Actually, the title is a reflection of the fear that I can't get over with our upcoming move.

We are leaving for Seattle on July 1. I have a dad in WA and a brother there. My wife has about 100 family members all within the area.

I am struggling with my uneasiness about this move. I do love Phoenix, but I agree that the move is better for the kids and the family as a whole... so it's a good thing.

We are about 15 months from DDay. R is going really well. There was a time when I filed for D. Wife wanted to go back up to Washington then...but I told her that no way would I be divorced and then move so she could be around her family, and I would have essentially no one (my dad is in Washington..but 2.5 hours from Seattle).

O.k. so here we are getting along great. Changes are great, I feel really good about where we are at.

So why am I so scared of this move? Maybe it comes from feeling like her family all knows and thinks she will be better off without me. I don't think so, but that's what I typed. I know her mom isn't crazy about me, but I really get along well with her aunts/uncles and cousins.

Maybe I feel like it will make it easier for her to leave me if we are up there. After all she has all the support she could ask for in Seattle. I think that's it.

I have shared these feelings with her, and she has done everything she can to make me feel safe. And I don't think that is her plan (at all). But why this sense of dread? Why do I feel like I will be the outsider..when I know they have always included me before.

Ugggg. Even when things are going great, the lingering doubts never go away I guess. That's messed up.

Anyway, just putting this out into the universe.

Hey WB,

I know you know that nothing is that simple and that even in a non-A place you are going to have doubts about any major decision. It is normal and natural to process decisions. It is the less impulsive side that reviews decisions to make sure it still is the correct one. With the special group we are in, it adds new concerns that have to be addressed.

My take is that you have these doubts because you don't trust blindly anymore. I have been told that isn't a bad thing either. You talked to your W and based on what you said has mollified your fears. It is going to come up in your head again and again. So the coping strategy you have in place (Your W doing her part to calm these fears) works for you ?

If you know it works, keep doing it.

I am not in the right place to give advice on risks and rewards, but that is part of it, right ?

One thing I do, that may or may not be helpful is playing through the "worst case" scenario in your head and envision what that would be like and see how you would cope. See that you would be fine and realize that even if everything goes wrong (unlikley, but . . .) you will be OK.

FWIW- My IC tells me to stop doing that, but it is a temporary measure until you can see for yourself that things can turn out really well.

PS- Two of the most stressful things a person can go through are Ding and moving. It is natural to fear that they could happen together, so I don't think it is wrong to have some fear about this. Fear can be valuable in the right context as it keeps us safe. It can also hold us back from enjoying our lives and thus the pickle I am in myself.

O.k. so here we are getting along great. Changes are great, I feel really good about where we are at.

And then this:

So why am I so scared of this move?

Just reading this you make me feel like you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. That you are wary about how good you are doing and that maybe its a little too good to be true.

WB-

Welcome to Seattle!!!! We will welcome you with open arms (cuz we are suppose to be so f'ng nice up here)

I think n&d hit it on the head. A's and moving are the most stressful things in life. Having gone thru one, and now having to do the other would make anyone nervous.

Keep talking to your wife. Can you ask her what her take might be on her family? You two need to be a united front, so if you can get that out of the way before arriving here it might help alleviate some of your fears.

Do you think it might change you and her by being so close to her family? Does she plan on spending all of her time with them? Are you going to be living really close to them? If so are you thinking that they might now have some damaging influence on her? Family is great, but there should always be some space!

All your doubts, and fears, are legitimate at this point. If you write them down, and discuss them with her, it may help you once you are here.

Hmmm. That's good food for thought guys.

No, I don't think that the family members..except for her mother...will be bad influences on her. (but her mom's down here all the time anyway..so meh).

We have been pretty open about discussing my apprehensions so that helps...it's just there nagging in the back of my brain still.

Maybe I'm just down cause I sold my boat today too. Sigh. Go figure..owns a boat in Desert..sells it when he moves right next to Puget Sound.

Go figure..owns a boat in Desert..sells it when he moves right next to Puget Sound.

??????!!!

wb, I'm with n&d on this. You're 15 months out, with more healing to do. You've been traumatized recently, and now you're moving. From the sun all the time to sun once in a while. The ocean and Rainier haven't contributed their gifts to you yet.

This would be a tough time for anyone. No matter what, though, you can handle whatever happens.

Best of luck on your new life!

Thanks gang.

Ugggghhh goodbye sweet sun.

(I did live in Seattle from 10 through 25--so I know what I'm getting)---but UGGGGHHHHH!!!!

I think maybe the real is issue is that I am going to miss the sun...probably not the $600 a month A/C bills during the summer though. Upsides, upsides.

But yeah, moving used to be old hat to me. JNRPA and I up and moved to San Fran, Then to Boston, Then New York, and boom to Arizona. It didn't used to worry me, of course back then it was just us and not 3 kids...so maybe that adds a little to it.

It's not that I am panicking..I am just not as easy-breezy as I used to be about moving. Probably a result of the lingering trauma.

I should be thrilled that we are going to her home town right? Our kids will be going to an elementary where her picture is still on the wall (she got a stoplight installed).

Bahhhhh. Not sure what my issue is.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 5:10 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

After everything we have been through, having the rug pulled out from under us, I think change is extra scary. We remodeld our house and I almost shit canned the whole thing the night before we started. The thought of spending money that would have been split between us, etc., really spooked me. I had analyzed it at length, but then panicked. I spent the evening rehashing our finances, ensuring if we divorced that I had plenty of money to start over. And I was like 4 years out!

Change. Scary!!!

But Seattle is so awesome!

H and I have recently been talking about leaving AZ and moving back to CO. We left in 2007, and you can see my fingernail marks in the asphalt on the CO/NM border. I didn't want to leave. I have begged to go back. Until recently, we weren't in a place (emotionally) to even consider a move.

Then, about 6 weeks ago, the universe started putting things in motion that basically laid out our path to CO. We both had jobs land in our laps, we still have a good support group out there, and I still love it there so very, very much. It was too perfect not to go. It was the answer to my prayers.

And I panicked. And like you, I don't know really know why. I suspect it has to do with adding one more change into a life that has already had so many freaking changes in the last 16 months that my head is still spinning. For us, we don't have family in CO like you do in WA, so that aspect is different, but the anxiety is still there. And even though things are trekking along nicely in our R, anxiety still opens the door to other anxiety.

It's a big friggin' deal to be moving, especially with kids. Part of your unease may just be THAT piece of the pie.

Congrats on the move, and best of luck to you. And I would rather be in WA in July (when you move) than AZ!

Read a lot of your posts; obviously you are an intelligent, perceptive individual. Also a permanent victim.

You seem to live in fear of your wife cheating again, betraying your marriage or leaving you. I don't see any signs of your wife worrying if you would maybe initiate a relationship with another woman or leave her. She has total security about your commitment and faithfulness; she never doubts that you will always be there for her; so reliable and trustworthy.

Your wife should have some seeds of doubt; that maybe she needs not only to work hard for your forgiveness, but be afraid that you may withdraw your reconciliation, or find another woman. Not saying you would for one minute, but your wife shouldn't have this total confidence in your dedication to the marriage. Its healthy to have some doubts, that keeps us from taking one another for granted; drives us to work hard to keep relationships fresh.

Don't mean to be even slightly offensive but this traumatic disaster in your life has made you come across as needy. You may have concerns about your wife being away from home and her social drinking, but keep them to yourself. You have told her what you expect, leave it at that.

You are an intelligent, witty, obviously handsome gentleman. To some extent she should worry about possibly losing you because of her destructive betrayal. That doesn't seem to be happening.

We moved 2 years ago, DDay was 2 week after we moved into our new house in a new city. It was horrible. DDay is always horrible, of course, but in a brand new city, with ZERO support, and 3 kids who need you to help them adjust to a new life? Unimaginable.

Fast forward to now...we are moving again. I have none of the anxiety and doubts I had the last time around. Everything feels different and better to me. Mostly because our marriage is in a great place. Partly because we too are moving to where I have some family. (Not to rub it in, but we are moving to SUNNY southern CA!) But moving to a new city, even one with family, is a big fucking deal. Even under the best of circumstances. You have to let yourself feel what you feel, and work through it together. I'm glad you have told her how you are feeling, and she is helping you through it. Just breathe...and pack...and pack some more

[This message edited by Exhausted in OH at 5:27 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Start shopping for a sea worthy boat!! The coast and islands are paradise in spring summer and early fall. Your floating man cave from the lions awaits...

OkNow:

I didn't realize that I came across as needy and a permanent victim. I'll look into that.

But, are you saying that in order to not come across in that matter that I should make my wife think that I am considering finding another woman? Or that when an issue is bothering me such as my wife drinking when out of town that I should keep it to myself?

I don't think that instilling fear in my wife about my commitment to our marriage is a healthy way to conduct a marriage. Or to rebuild a destroyed marriage. I don't think that "fear" should drive her to keep the relationship fresh. She knows my dealbreakers, she knows that R is a gift. But she also knows that Yes, I am committed to making this marriage work. And no, I am not planning on getting a little tail on the side.

Maybe it's just me, but I would rather have a secure and committed relationship without the fear of one of the spouses finding someone else. I don't think the fear of infidelity should be the motivating factor in working on the marriage.

As far as just keeping things to myself to not appear needy. Meh. If it makes me needy, so be it. But one thing I will not do is just bottle up my emotions, if an issue arises, I am going to address it, and not keep it to myself.

Floating man cave! I was so sad to see my boat get towed away yesterday. Uggggh. Yes, I will certainly need to start shopping for something seaworthy.

I am looking forward to getting out on the water out there. I used to race sailboats on Lake Washington when I was younger, I might have to look into getting on a team again.

Moving blows. But we got the house and are set for a move i of July 1st. So things are in the works. Ugggg, lots to do.

WB-

This past weekend was opening day for boating season. The best weather in 19 yrs!!!

We have had our top on our VW bug down for days now.

If you hurry you can still catch some of our May sun. Here till Sunday

Give yourself some time to adjust here. At least you know of the area, most people move to the unknown.

I seem to remember that summer doesn't start until July 5th there. So I will be getting there just in time!

Yep. You remember well. Just having a freak sun streak right now.

Everything is in full bloom and it stays green here all year, unlike AZ.

Hope you can look forward to making some happy memories up here. Maybe thinking of those will help lessen your fears.

Yeah, I know it'll be fine. Just a lot of stuff to get down. And I have to find a job still. Sheesh.

But I do have fond memories of Seattle, so it should be a positive thing (but I must say...I still like Arizona)

First, let me welcome you back to Seattle. It's been sunny all week, so it's even more beautiful than ever. Moving is stressful, even under the best of circumstances. Making such a major move during the ups and downs of R will be a challenge for both you and JN. Be patient with yourselves, and each other. I know you said she is doing everything she can to help you feel safe in your R, but with such a major change in your lives, she may not be able to assure you enough, even though that is what you seem to want. Remember, 2 to 5 years is what it takes to heal from this. If you feel you two are in a good place right now, focus on that and focus on your new adventure together. Perhaps our beautiful May weather will last until the October rains.