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one of the worst aspects of the aftermath of my WH's affair is my loss of identity...sense of self....what i thought to be real. I am struggling with rebuilding me...fixing me. My moods are all over the place....I can be in a great place in the AM and totally tank by the evening. I'm trying hard to control my emotions and get to a better place within myself. its hard.

While my WH needs to make epic changes for me to even consider going all in with R...i acknowledge that i need to work on me too.

I am wondering a few things from those of you that are R'd and on the path to R...

What were some of the things you did for yourself...to rebuild yourself??

What books did you read?? i dont mean books on affairs....i mean books for YOU on rebuilding yourself...finding happiness for you??

What were some of the changes you made for you??

What were some things you did for YOU when you felt stuck in a dark place...the hopeless dark place??

I mean, i am in IC/MC already. i have read books on healing from affairs, I treat myself to a pedicure and go shopping. I make time for some girls nights. I have started jogging again now that the weather is nice. And while those things are awesome....i'm looking to expand my portfolio a bit.

I know its an individual thing and i have to look into myself....but if any of you have any insights on how you worked to empower yourself...take back YOU...i'd be grateful for the words of wisdom!!

I can honestly say, I think most all BSs have 'been there'. So you are in familiar company.

What I can say is that it isn't so much about finding the "right" activities, as it is about finding yourself. I know that sounds abstract, but what I mean is that it's almost a mindset that you have to develop. In a way, think of yourself as an autonomous individual - separate from your spouse. Not separate in terms of the marriage, but as an individual. When you're able to do that, you will be able to see things that sounds very interesting and enjoyable to you. Likely, things that you did years ago that you gave up or lost interest in. Maybe you'll find new things you really enjoy? For me, I found that I really relate to my core group of friends, and share a very special bond with them. So I make an effort to try to spend as much time as I can with them, while balancing a very full, hectic life. They have a way of keeping me 'focused', for lack of a better term. And they provide me with a strong sense of self that my WW's A shattered within me. The way I feel around really close friends reminds me of how much I'm worth as a person, and how much I deserve to be treated with respect, love and decency (none of which exist in the way a WS treats a BS).

I guess that's what did it for me. My sense of self-worth has grown significantly over the last 2-3 months, almost back to where it was pre-A. I can now truly believe that I am an autonomous, independent individual in charge of my own destiny and choices, and that only *I* have the power to choose how I will allow people to treat me.

It's very enlightening and a HUGE wake-up to who you really are. May just take time and self-discovery, but I assure you, with time and practice, you'll definitely get there!

Best of luck to you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I really understand where you are coming from. After twenty years of marriage and two wonderful kids I completely lost myself. I am a stay at him home mom with an Ivy League graduate degree and was a top ranked athlete. I somehow lost me along the way. Long story. But now I want me back. I started losing the thirty pounds that crept up on me and working out. I am going to be taking some masters in social work classes in the fall. Started getting hair blown out and buying me clothes for a change. Wh is loving this but I view it as valuing myself because either way at the end of the day it is ME that has to feel good about myself. If wh regains his attraction then that is a bonus for R. But honestly I am doing it all to be excited about me and things I love again. Hugs to you on this journey.

Pre-A I had all kinds of hobbies, photography group, band practice, weekly teen group activity facilitator, church choir, painting classes. I was keeping myself busy and entertained. fWH was jealous and demanded I quit all of them claiming I was using hobbies to avoid the M. Then he had an A, and now I can relate to feeling a loss of sense of self. I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm a little gun-shy about starting any hobbies up again, but I know I need to do something.

I'm here with you! After the A I started to look at my life an realized I always put my wh first. I stopped caring about my own needs. It only got worse after our DD was born. I am doing all of the things you mentioned in addition I am reconnecting with old friends I stopped spending time with, and started doing things I always wanted to do but didnt. I really don't have any advice per say, but I do feel that if there is any silver lining to this tragedy me realizing that I am important too has been one. Good luck on your journey

Totally lost my sense of self too. I found it helpful to spend time with family/friends from way back pre relationship. I was truly just "me" then.

Also are there any hobbies you've been interested in that WS wasn't? Eg dancing or some type of craft, sailing, indoor rock climbing, martial arts. ANYTHING! Challenge yourself, do something new, make new friends, you'll feel amazing.

I have bought myself a new bicycle and now I'm riding along the beautiful bike paths nearby whenever I can. Also I have made a hobby out of getting regular massage!! Getting back into photography. Look up courses online and pick one :)

Good luck

Rebuilding yourself is the most important thing we can all do. It doesn't have to be creating a new you, but an improved you.

I sat down and took a hard look at whether I was meeting my needs in the the following areas:

Intellectual

Spiritual

Physical

Emotional

Relational

Work

Developed some specific goals to find balance in my life. I think pedicures and doing good things are good, but they don't really get to the core.

I keep a running list of things that I want to do when I find the perfect opportunity. This last week I volunteered at our Arts Fest weekend and it was a blast. Met all kinds of new people and connected with old friends. Got myself appointed to a City Task Force on a very controversial topic and have spent time reading up on the topic. Another opportunity to meet new people and has no connection to any A topics. Downloaded new books for my nook. Connecting more with my Faith group and saying more prayers.

At this point in time I am feeling good about myself, but am still struggling with keeping that feeling when I am with my fWH. He continues to be a trigger for me in general.

Wonderful thread...thank you for starting this.

this....

What I can say is that it isn't so much about finding the "right" activities, as it is about finding yourself.

I think that activities/hobbies that you do specifically for yourself are a huge stepping stone in that direction. I am trying to do those things....i just recently started running again. something that i do by myself for myself.

But its the going deeper that kind of keeps me awake at night. sometimes i just feel sort of stuck. Like, where do i start? Ya know?? I bought this book called The Rhythm of Life: Living Each Day with Passion and Purpose. I am only a few pages in, but who knows...maybe it will give me a place to start.

I have always told my children when they get overwhelmed with work and now am taking my own advice: "how to do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

I can now truly believe that I am an autonomous, independent individual in charge of my own destiny and choices, and that only *I* have the power to choose how I will allow people to treat me.

^This times 100

I will never allow myself to be disrespected the way I was in this M or in life EVER again. It feels much better not feeling like I'll die without WH, because I won't so there

I sat down and took a hard look at whether I was meeting my needs in the the following areas:

Intellectual

Spiritual

Physical

Emotional

Relational

Work

Developed some specific goals to find balance in my life. I think pedicures and doing good things are good, but they don't really get to the core.

I keep a running list of things that I want to do when I find the perfect opportunity.

Love this. Now that the dust has settled and I'm no longer in panic mode, I really need to make specific goals and go for it.

Along the same lines, I wish there was our own 'New Beginnings' running thread in the R forum that we could all refer to for inspiration. I find myself often going to the NB forum for inspiration, but it'd be nice to have one here as well..

Three things: Exercise, productivity, and friends.

Exercise is the best antidepressant on earth. I feel stronger in my mind and heart now that my body is stronger. It takes a lot of energy to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of R, and I find that working out gives me that extra energy to come out of them on top.

Productivity is also a great boost to the soul. I'm finally doing all the stuff that I've been putting off while dealing with my relationship. It makes me feel more like the capable, independent person I was/want to be, and less like the feeble little thing I became on DDay. Three things that helped me be more productive: 1) reading Getting Things Done, 2) gaining energy from exercise, and 3) not negotiating with myself when it was time to get to work.

And lastly, I reconnected with my friends. I was basically completely off the radar in the aftermath of DDay because I couldn't be in public, and I didn't tell anyone (except for a few good friends who don't live in my town). Being able to laugh, make jokes, and talk about something other than my relationship was really healing. It reminded me that I'm still a whole person, not just someone whose heart was broken. Going out also gives me a compelling reason to get out/stay clear of those emotional gutters that I fall into when I'm alone.

I used to wonder if I could ever let myself be vulnerable enough to trust him again. But now I see that you're not truly vulnerable if you're strong within yourself. So I'm keeping with these three paths so that one of these days, I'll be brave enough and confident enough to forgive him.