Codependency is huge in this community (BS & WS alike). My WW is just coming to terms with learning and accepting her lifelong codependency. Through her IC, she has gained a LOT of insight into her own issues, many of which propelled her to engage in lifelong A-like behavior and other destructive behaviors.
Just recently, my IC has suggested I read up on codependency because she believes I may have codependent coping mechanisms, etc. I'm going to start reading up on it as soon as my WW finishes the book first..! :)
Although I have considerably more DDays than you, I feel our situations are somewhat similar. My WW had a LTA (EA/PA) that has been off and on since 2006 (six months after we got married). Of course, I didn't find out about it until the last half of last year (2012). She didn't disclose it, and didn't end it on her own. I found out about it, and after months and months of repeated lies (first he was "just a friend", then he was an "emotional attraction", then it was an "emotional affair", then finally she revealed that it was a full-blown LTA EA/PA), I finally started my own investigation to blow the cover right off of it. Once she knew I was hot on her trail, she made a bee-line toward disclosing the full A. And I had to literally give her an ultimatum (either you quite fucking around on me and our family, or you can leave - I won't be with you any longer if you continue to attempt to destroy our family and emotionally abuse and betray me). It was only then that she 'decided' that she was done with the A. This was a few months ago, but we still had TTing going on up until 1 month ago.
Another similarity is that my WW had sex with her AP in random hotels, his house, other people's couches, etc. But never in our house (though she toyed with the idea of bringing him to our family home, to fuck and sleep in our marriage bed, for a few days while I was on work travel - but she never went through with the actual planning and executing of it).
But here's the thing that I take from this. Back when she first slept around on me (2006, 6 months into our marriage) we did not have children, and were relatively VERY young into our marriage. Had I caught her then or had she disclosed the A, I would have divorced her so fast it wouldn't have even been funny. The reason being: I didn't know the "real her". She was living a total lie - our marriage was a sham! And we didn't have children. Not a lot of incentive to stay in something like that when you could, instead, just write off the 6-month marriage as a bad life lesson. But now that we're so much further into our M, have children, and she is working to correct a lot of her issues that led to those behaviors (note: I'm working to identify and resolve my issues that also contributed to our marital problems), I am no longer contemplating ending the marriage. But the only way I could sit with my decision to stay in the marriage after almost 8 years of affairs and affair-like behavior is to draw strict bottom lines and firm boundaries. If she engages in any affairs or affair-like behavior, it is over. Immediately. No questions. No discussion. Having that "insurance" has allowed me to see things differently and stay in our M to work through R. That way, I will never have to go through the hell of trying to recover from another A. I cannot control if she'll have another A, nor can I control if ANYONE has an A (say we split up and I hook up with another woman, who's to say she won't have an A?). What I can control is going through R, and all the pain and hard work it takes to do it. I refuse to go through R again. It's hard enough the first time, and I'm just starting out in it.
Maybe you could think of it that way - by drawing a nonnegotiable bottom line and strong boundaries with yourself for her? She "says" she wants R, but it's pretty easy to mutter those words. Is she backing it up by NC with her AP? Contacting him with you present to demand NC and set the record straight on why she is ending it with him and staying with you? Is she going to IC? Are you going to go to MC with her? Sorry, lots of questions, but it can better help frame how sincere she is to R, and if you are even willing to put up with it, with her, if you choose to go down that road.
Best of luck to you, whichever choice you make. In the end, I can assure you, you'll come out MUCH better than you are now, and can live with a clean conscience. Whatever you do, don't compromise your integrity by engaging in anything that would jeopardize your morals or marriage. You may feel like it at times, but that brings you to her level, and will NOT make you feel good about yourself, ever.
