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I am 20 days post D-day. My WS and I are trying to work things out. He was completely honest about the affair with her and had called it off before I found out about it. He said he knew he had to because he loved me and our boys too much to leave us. But, he also said he loves the OW too. The affair was only supposed to be about sex but turned into more. He had no contact with her for two weeks, but she called from an unknown number last weekend to tell him that she is pregnant. I got that bombshell dropped on me at our first therapy session, which was the Monday after he got the call. My heart is so broken. I think she may be lying...he doesn't think she would do that.. I am sure that if she is not lying that she did this on purpose. It makes me so angry and it makes me Hate her! He says he wants to be a part of this baby's life. Be the kid's dad. She asked him to go to her first doctor's appointment.. I flipped out! I don't think that is necessary. I told him that she wants him there to emotionally support her and that wasn't fair to me. He says he is only taking responsibility for his actions. I don't. Know if I can handle him preparing for a baby with his OW while still trying to be a husband and father to me and my 3 kids. I am so lost and in despair over this. Anyone else have pregnant OW in their life? Need advice.

(((lucy)))

oh gosh, your story breaks my heart and I feel for you. I have not been in your situation and have NO idea how I would be handling it! I think you are completely justified in getting upset about the OW wanting your H to accomnpany her to her first visit. How does he know it's his?

It sounds like your H is in a fog and needs to get his head out his arse!

Seriously though, if he is committed to you and making things work in his marriage, then I would demand my husband wait till the kid pops and have a DNA test and then go from there. He owes you - his WIFE - emotional support, not her.

I feel for you and will be keeping you in my thoughts.

If you get a chance, read my story in my profile. My husband has a pregnant OW and has moved out to be with her. It is the most horrific painful thing I've ever gone through. I have no words of advice or wisdom for you I just wanted you to know that you're not alone ((((hugs))))

I had a 'pregnant' OW. At 6 weeks she told my H that it was twins - a boy and a girl. When that didn't elicit the response she wanted, she told him she miscarried. In my situation, I am confident the pregnancy was made up. This OW has been a compulsive liar since we were all in jr high. My only real advice to you is that your H insist on a DNA test for the baby. There is a thread in 'I can relate' about people who have other children in their lives. They will likely be more helpful that I am for your other questions - especially if it turns out she is not lying.

Been there, done that. My fWH whore claimed she was pregnant as well, but also claimed she had an abortion. All lies of course. Just another way for her to torment you.

Don't fall for it. Ask for a paternity test for sure if she really is pregnant, but don't be surprised if/when he ignores her she will either lose the baby or terminate the supposed pregnancy.

It all hurts, but don't let him get sucked in. Even if she IS pregnant with his child, he should be careful in what type of support he and you are willing to provide. (((Hugs)))

If you husband were to take responsibility for his actions, then he'd be doing whatever is necessary to mend his marriage and his family. THAT'S his responisbility. Not running off to play expectant couple with his ex OW.

Secondly, he's not legally bound to do ANYTHING at this point in time. Once the kid is born, a DNA test has to be done in order to establish paternity. In the interim, he's a damned fool for gambling away what little security is left in your marriage to 'do the right thing' when he doesn't even know whose kid it IS.

He's acting the fool and seriously needs to get his priorities straight - NOW.

He has told her that he wants a paternity test. I totally agree that he should not be running around playing like daddy to this baby unless it is proven. If he wants the child in his life I will deal with that. But I can't deal with him going to sonogram appointments and all that prenatal nonsense. But every time I bring it up he starts in saying...how he the kid will be a part of his life if it is his...and he does not think that I am prepared to deal with that. He cannot be her support system while going through this.. It will kill me.slowly

Just in case, consult an attorney about child support. You may want to file for child support to protect your kids. You do not want her to file first because she will get the bulk of it.

So very sorry for the pain you are suffering. IMHO, your WH needs to be NC with OW if he really wants to save his marriage. Your needs come first and whatever you want should be his only desire. She could be lying due to desperation or she got pregnant on purpose trying to trap him. If she is pregnant, it may or may not be his. He shouldn't put you through hell only to find out that she isn't pregnant or it isn't his.

His ONLY responsibility at this point is to shore up his marriage and repair the damage he did to you and your children. He needs to concentrate on supporting you and ensuring his commitment to R your M. The OW is a nobody at this point and should be ignored completely. If she is pregnant, then a DNA test can be done after the birth. If it is his child, he can pay CS but needs to stay NC with OW. If he wants visitation, it should only be if you agree. The "needs and wants" of OW and OC do NOT trump your needs or what is in the best interest of your family. He should respect your wishes and be NC with both of them. You and your children should not be punished and tormented because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

He has no business going with her to any doctor's appointments playing happy family with her. It is a manipulation tactic on her part to bond him to her and the baby. She will use any ploy she can to continue to try to get him away from his wife and family. It is extremely important that he maintains NC or your M may not survive. He needs to decide immediately if he want his family or the OW. If he choses his family then there is no room in your M for the OW. She is history forever and if the two of you agree on visitation, you can work on an agreement after the birth. Use a third party go between for exchanges so that he maintains NC with OW.

In the I Can Relate section there is a thread called OC thread. OC is short of other child. I am sure reading it and knowing you are not alone will in this situation will help.

Hugs,

K

I have an OC in my life. I am so sorry you are here. It is one of the saddest and most heartbreaking situations I have had to deal with up to this point.

We have contact. Some choose not to and I respect their decisions 100%. The whore in our situation wanted my life, my WH,my family and did this on purpose. She is a pain in the ass and continues to try to cause problems. You will have to be a united front when it comes to dealing with her.

My suggestions is to work on you two first. Tell him he does not need to go to any Dr. appts. He needs to do NOTHING for her at this point.Fuck her and what she wants.He needs to support you. You are his wife. He does not know if it is his and has NO obligation until the court says. You will need this time to make you stronger. When the OC was born part of me died that day. It tears you up but if you have been working on your relationship it is do-able. It won't be easy and you do not have to stay. If you do stay make it on your terms not his or hers. If he can't respect that then you may need to tell him to leave. Good luck.

I have not been in your situation and I am so sorry you are there.

Just a thought...if he insists on going to the doctor's appointment then can you go too?

1. Shows where he wants to do the right thing, he is still choosing you and your family over her. Not the baby, but her.

2. If she is lying this might do the trick to flush it out.

3. NC with OW without you present has to be rule #1 regardless of the reason.

Keep going to counseling. You will need it. Hang on to your friends and family and come here often.

We are all rooting for you.

(((hugs)))

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you have a bigger problem then him going to OB appointments. He told you he "loves her too." There can't possibly be R, baby or no baby, if that is where his head is. 180 him, HARD, for your own sanity.

There cannot, absolutely cannot be three in a marriage. It's either you and him, or he leaves you and goes to her. If he wants to be a part of a probably non-existant babies life, then he needs to leave your house immediately, you need to file for CS and SS, and for a divorce. Free him to go dance attendance on her until the inevitable miscarriage or abortion. He can get a good taste of what life looks like when you have to support a family that you deserted to be with a gold-digging ho.

In the unlikely chance that there actually might be a pregnancy, you do need to see a lawyer ASAP and file for CS first. You do not want your children to be standing at the end of the line in CS.

defyinggravity is so RIGHT!

If your husband is telling you that he wants to be involved in the OW's pregnacy he is still in the affair. Hr is setting up the groundwork for him to have 2 families - and doing it with your permission.

This is the time for him to prove to you that you and his children are his #1 priority. Anything otherwise is him wanting the best of both worlds - and you will be destroyed.

He has no business going with her to doctor's appointments, being present at the birth - giving her money - none of this should be happening until a DNA test has been performed.

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW - or you will surely regret it. Every thread that I have read about this scenrio where the WH wants to be involved in the other women's pregnancy has not ended well.

You will be destroyed - your children will suffer - and your family's income will be cut in HALF.

Do yourself a favor - PUT ON YOUR BITCH boots and let him know that you have too much pride and common sence to go along with this insult. That's what he is doing. He is INSULTING you. YOU MUST SEE A LAWYER and file for child and spousal support because youw will surely lose if you allow him to do this.

PLESSE DON'T ALLOW THIS. Now is the time to stand up for yourself. Please read through The OC thread and see what those women and children endure. Just to keep a cheating lying Man who does not put his wife

and children first. Please - your best bet is to man up and approach this now in the way you want to deal with it in the future.

Giving in to him on this is to take your power and your children's right to a safe- emotionally stable home - and throwing it away.

PLEASE DON'T ALLOW THIS.

Thank you Can Not..l that was powerfully motivating.

((L2L))-- All I can say is my heart breaks for you and all the other women (& children/ families) going through this situation. When someone makes a VOW- or is in a committed relationship-- WHY is it so hard to make a god damn decision and STICK WITH IT....?? If you want to keep playing the field and be a full-time 'babydaddy' spreading your sperm all over the world, then WHY bother getting married in the first place..? They either want YOU or THEM. PERIOD.

You have gotten some amazing advice here from these folks. PLEASE listen to them and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family! Your H is being a colossal flake and needs to MAKE A DECISION. He got himself-- and, you- and, your kids- and the innocent OC (if there really is one) in this horrible mess, like countless other guys who can't (as the other poster said)- keep their dicks in their pants. If he wants her so bad-- then he should GO-- and be with her and live happily ever after (yeah right).. and allow YOU to recover from this traumatic bullshit and let you build a new- and hopefully better- life.. hopefully with someone else who WILL be committed and take care of you are be a father to your boys- 100%. So tell him to quit WASTING YOUR TIME. He is insulting you in the worst way and does not have your & your kids' well-being in mind. If he wants a harem, then there are other cultures- and past centuries- he can go live in and have that, so tell him feel free to get in a time machine with his OW and go there.

Wow. I agree that it's collossal disrespect for him to want to go to her appointments. She is likely trying to keep him hooked by making him feel sorry for her. As in: "look what you did to me. The least you can do is...". If he gives in once, it'll snowball until she's living your life completely. I would go see a lawyer if I were you. ((hugs))

[This message edited by PurpleBirch at 8:51 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Once again - Cosmicjoke is RIGHT!

Listen - I know how you feel. Bogged down. Fear running through your body - your mind is ELECTRIFIED. Your thoughts are running so fast - you can't think. Shocks going through your body that makes you feel like your heart is swelling - you actually FEEL a physical sensation resembling pain stabbing your heart. Why - you didn't even know that just the thought of what you are facing - your new reality - is making your heart race. It's probably racing RIGHT NOW!

I KNOW. I KNOW!!

But here is what else I know.

Words (paraphrase) coming from Iyanla (Opera Network)

To fix your LIFE, you HAVE to do the WORK!

Work? What is the work?

It starts with facing your NEW reality.

What is your new reality?

Your husband had an affair. You did not know. You found out 2 weeks after it is SUPPOSEDLY OVER!! It was supposedly ended - BUT - lo and behold - the OW is PREGNANT. Ha - Ha - NOW - he wants to be a part of the baby's life (THEREFORE THE ow'S LIFE). Oh yea - and SHE WANTS ME TO GO TO THE FIRST DOCTORS VISIT WITH HER (with your permission of course).

WHY? Because according to HIM - HE has to take responsibility for HIS actions.

(Nothing said about his responsibility to You (THE WIFE) or the 3 children.)

So what is he telling YOU?

That his RESPONSIBILITY to HER is GREATER than his responsibility to you. EVEN THOUGH - you are the WIFE with 3 CHILDREN.

SO - WHAT can you do?

1. Tell YOUR truth - and FACE the CONSEQUENCES - KNOWING -- you will be okay!!

(paraphrase - Iyanla) YOU will be OKAY

Well - HOW do you do THAT?

By laying the ground work for a win - win -- or-- a win - lose - scenario - KNOWING you will be OKAY!!

Well - HOW do you do THAT?

By starting the procedures and the ACTIONS to PROTECT yourself - and MORE IMPORTANTLY - YOUR CHILDREN? NOW.

WHY NOW?

Because you will NOT ACCEPT THAT INSULT! You will lay your groundwork for what is best for you and your children. NOT HIM!!

By protecting yourself and your children LEGALLY - for spousal support and child support.

How do you fix your MIND do that?

By starting off thinking of the BEST or the WORST outcome - and basing your decision on that.

Best Outcome?

He goes NC with OW - wait until the baby is born - establish paternity - the baby is NOT HIS.

BUT - you had your CS papers in anyway- so it is a win-win for you.

OR

He involves himself emotionally with the OW - baby is born - it is his (OH GOD) - he wants to be an integral part of baby's life (so naturally OW's life also) - BUT - YOU HAVE YOUR CS PAPERS FILED - Her ONE child won't get MORE THAN YOU & YOUR CHILDREN's (3) in CS BECAUSE - you FILED First!

The BEST of a BAD situation scenario?

He goes NC - the baby IS his - He puts his priority into his REAL family - but he still has to pay CHILD SUPPORT. However - YOU FILED FIRST - so the MAJORITY of the MONEY stays in the FAMILY anyway.

So - WIN-WIN - or WIN LOSE - YOU CAN STILL SUCCEED.

The plus to all of this?

You stood up for your self. Even with FEAR running through your body - YOU DID THE WORK.

You empowered yourself - you kept your DIGNITY - and your SELF-RESPECT by choosing NOT TO BE INVOLVED in a situation with a HUSBAND who has a second family - and wants you to accept that. WHERE is the DIGNITY in THAT? You did your best for LONG-TERM SUCCESS. So in any scenario - YOU CAN STILL COME OUT THE WINNER. For You and more importantly - YOUR CHILDREN.

REGARDLESS of HIS decisions - PLEASE protect yourself and your children.

YOU ALREADY KNOW THE LAY OF THE LAND!!

So much great advice here. I know it can be hard to act on, even when it is well founded but do it for your children. Get that child sport first. If/when it turns out there is no OC...Then your WH may want to come back to the woman who protected her children from his insanity.

I really hope there is no OC and like so many other desperate marriage wreckers, she's just showing wat a lying, manipulative waste of food she is.