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Hi, guys. It's been a while since I last posted. A quick recap: I got married almost a year ago, and things were great--for a while. The problem is not with my wife but with her youngest daughter, who just turned 4.

Her daughter, to be blunt, is a brat from hell. She's incredibly smart (I have two children so I know a smart kid when I see one). In fact, I'm not completely unsure the kid doesn't have a genius IQ (no exaggeration).

My wife and I constantly fight over her daughter and how her daughter is a brat.

An illustration: We were at a restaurant recently, and my wife said that the daughter could get a surprise if she would stop swinging her legs under the table (her swinging was wobbling the table). I disagreed with the "surprise" aspect. I thought she should just be made to stop. But my wife tries to reason with her.

Of course, the daughter didn't stop and when my wife told her daughter that the surprise was gone, the daughter started howling. I mean howling. We had to leave the restaurant and for ten solid minutes (no exaggeration) she cried "I want my surprise!" over and over. This was still going on when we got close to our neighborhood. I couldn't bear it anymore and just got out of the car at a stop sign and walked the rest of the way home.

Dealing with her each day is a misery. I get up in the morning and can't wait for her daughter to go to daycare so I wouldn't have to be around her. I (secretly) arranged my teaching schedule this past semester to stay at the university until around 5:30 so I wouldn't have to be around her much in the evenings (she goes to bed at 8).

We went to see a counselor about this, and he gave us some articles to read and they were very helpful but only improved her daughter's behavior slightly.

The biggest problem is that my wife's parents were very strict and she doesn't want to repeat that pattern.

This constant conflict is impacting how I feel about my wife. This morning, my wife said that she loved me and I couldn't even say it back because I was so pissed over another incident with the daughter throwing a fit because she didn't get three ice cubes in her glass. I don't want my marriage to end, but at my age, life is much too short to be in misery every day.

Advice?

I'm sorry, but I don't know your whole story. How long did you know this woman and her child before marriage? Did you know about the child's behavior then?

Your example sounds to me like a basic temper tantrum, not uncommon at four years old. What happened when you got home? (IMO, she should have been sent to her room until she calmed down, and no WAY given any reward).

Unfortunately, as a parent yourself, you must realize that pitting yourself against someone's child will be a quick demise of the relationship. Blended families are so hard, as is being a stepparent.

Have the two of you sat down and talked about how you can resolve this? How does SHE feel about her daughter's behavior and how it's affecting you?

How long did you know this woman and her child before marriage?

I think around six months or so.

Did you know about the child's behavior then?

This behavior manifested itself after we got married. We moved and things went to shit pretty quickly in regard to her daughter's behavior.

Your example sounds to me like a basic temper tantrum, not uncommon at four years old. What happened when you got home? (IMO, she should have been sent to her room until she calmed down, and no WAY given any reward).

She was put in time out, which is about as effective as doing nothing with her.

Have the two of you sat down and talked about how you can resolve this? How does SHE feel about her daughter's behavior and how it's affecting you?

We've talked a lot in the past, but ultimately it causes us to argue even more because she defends her daughter and says "She's just being a four-year-old." My wife wants to satisfy both of us, but I think she resents having to punish her daughter for my sake. I really feel a lot of tension when she finally engages in some kind of punitive effort to reign in her daughter's behavior.

Hi B.

Well, you might not like my advice but here it goes...

As you said, it is HER daughter. Thank God she is not your daughter.(Sorry not trying to be mean, just stating the facts as I see them).

Being that she is NOT your daughter, I would put a certain distance between her DD and you. I don't mean be mean or not loving to DD but don't let it get to you as much. Kind of like if you are in a restaurant and the neighbor table has a brat. Yes, you may be annoid, but you think, at least it's not mine...

I am hoping that she will grow out of that stage, but I am not sure that will happen. It sounds like your wife is NOT in control and I don't see that changing.

I would start "editing" the things I would do based on what you already know this DD will do.

I would schedule romatic alone dinners w/ wifee, but encourage your wife to take her DD to Mc D's or a nicer place to eat when they spend "one on one time w/ mommy"

In other words, don't be a victim, but rather a smart manager of YOUR time.

I hope this gives you a new angle to start with.

Good luck and keep us updated.

OK...trying to get my head around this.

You met, dated, were engaged and then married a woman with a child within 6 months?

Then you moved - assuming here - her (child) away from her home?

Honestly, that is a hell of a lot of change in a child's life at one time.

Do you have her in IC?

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 11:26 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

There are tons of parenting articles, and tons of different approaches on how to manage toddler behavior. Calling a four year old a brat imo is a big stretch because just about every four yr old i know acts like a brat but isn't defined as one solely on behavior. That being said, the one thing i've learned from all of the different parenting styles is that trying to negotiate with a toddler is not something that works in the long run especially when it's at a dinner table, whether at home or in a restaurant and it takes several times to iron out and teach what appropriate behavior is with any situation really. Compromise is one thing, negotiating a prize for "good behavior" will eventually lead to trouble again imo. In that situation, I would have stuck a napkin under the table and ignored the behavior because most of the time toddlers/young kids are LOOKING to get a reaction or attention, so the more attention you give to an unwanted behavior the more they end up doing it, consistency is key. Co parenting is not easy especially when it's not your child, but if you're miserable chances are your stepdaughter is too, and also senses yours. She didn't have a choice in having a man that thinks she's a brat and avoids her at all costs living under her roof, sorry for the 2x4's but i think you're being waay too close minded, there's alot of room to grow here, open up to your wife and try to come up with a solution that will benefit all of you not just you.

I have been through the Valley Of Four three times now. With exceptionally intelligent children (think high school & college level abilities while in early grade school).

What you're describing sounds completely normal to me for a bright 4-year old. I am cringing at your reactions to her. My heart goes out to this little girl because I think she's getting screwed. No, it doesn't sound like she's being parented appropriately, but I think you're being an ogre. If she's as intelligent as you say, then she is aware of much more going on than you want to admit. She's aware of your intense dislike of her and it's going to affect her permanently.

You need family counseling immediately so that this bright little girl is not given a life-long emotional handicap.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 11:41 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Where is the child's father in this equation? Is he in her life?

The fact of the matter is, right now, you are a stepfather to this child. You, your wife, and possibly the child's father, need to figure out what role you have as her stepfather. Are you involved in disciplinary issues? In the decision making process about how this child will be raised? In correcting behavior issues? If not, then you need to back off and let your wife parent as she sees fit; if so, then you two need to talk more (with the MC maybe) about finding solutions and methods that are agreeable to both of you.

You telling her to discipline the child seems really far reaching to me. If you are involved enough to decide when discipline should be implemented, why aren't you the one doing it? And if you're not someone who has the authority to discipline this child, then stop telling her parent how to handle her.

Just my 2c. Step parenting is a bear from what I've heard.

She didn't have a choice in having a man that thinks she's a brat and avoids her at all costs

Everyone--including her grandparents on both sides--thinks she is a brat. I'm not the only one. And I've certainly never called her that to her mother or to anyone else except here.

I think you're being an ogre.

Why? I don't dislike her; I dislike her behavior when she doesn't get her way.

You telling her to discipline the child seems really far reaching to me. If you are involved enough to decide when discipline should be implemented, why aren't you the one doing it? And if you're not someone who has the authority to discipline this child, then stop telling her parent how to handle her.

It's not like I say, "Hey, discipline your daughter." I don't discipline the daughter because she is not mine. I wouldn't want my kids' step-father disciplining my kids.

I suppose I'll just grit my teeth and be miserable until the daughter hopefully grows out of this behavior.

My 5-year-old had been having some problems with tantrums, not to mention the stress of the divorce and having OW forced on him, so I put both my sons in IC, and we have learned some fabulous techniques for dealing with this stuff. I especially like the calming techniques (making a pretzel with his arms, breathing patterns in sync with arm motions, physical movements to get him out of the tantrum and focus). We also now have "calming cream" which is just a regular bottle of lotion with a home-made label, but the trick seems to work.

I think you should be more focused on helping your wife come up with solutions to the issues you are having, not avoiding her daughter and secretly changing your schedule and being resentful. That sounds like a recipe for disaster in your marriage..

How long did you know this woman and her child before marriage?

I think around six months or so.

Have the two of you sat down and talked about how you can resolve this? How does SHE feel about her daughter's behavior and how it's affecting you?

We've talked a lot in the past, but ultimately it causes us to argue even more because she defends her daughter and says "She's just being a four-year-old." My wife wants to satisfy both of us, but I think she resents having to punish her daughter for my sake. I really feel a lot of tension when she finally engages in some kind of punitive effort to reign in her daughter's behavior.

Oh wow Bulldozer!

I cannot say BTDT loud enough and I wish I had answers but all I can tell you is what does not work.

I had the same sitch. XWW and I started dating and were M'ed w/in a span of maybe 8 months. Her 3 year old was already acting out and she was not disciplining him at all and I knew that she didn't discipline her boys.

You cannot be the disciplinarian in this situation. I was and it was not long before my authority was undermined by XWW. The result is that DSS (now 17) has a strong entitlement attitude.

I don't know how to do it but try to find a way to support her in addressing the issues but let her take the lead. Something like getting out of the car and walking really doesn't help but just adds fuel to the fire.

If your W is defending her daughter against you then you need to find a way to get the focus off of you. Back away from the child but be there to support your W. And maybe try to find things that you and her daughter can do together that you both like that she will appreciate. I know she is only 4 but this is the time to really try to bond with her as a friend. Trying to be the parent is very difficult if you don't have your partner's full support.

(((BD)

I think you should be more focused on helping your wife come up with solutions to the issues you are having, not avoiding her daughter and secretly changing your schedule and being resentful. That sounds like a recipe for disaster in your marriage..

Agreed. It sounds like your wife is stressed too and isn't quite sure how to handle it. Perhaps you can find some positive techniques to model, and bring some ideas to the table that don't involve discipline.

A four-year old, even an intelligent one, cannot distinguish between you disliking her versus you disliking only her behavior. Most adults can't make that distinction, either, let's be honest. That you've now stated you're just going to grit your teeth and effectively sulk for the rest of this girl's childhood is disgusting. Who is being a bratty child here? You guys need family counseling.

I suppose I'll just grit my teeth and be miserable until the daughter hopefully grows out of this behavior.

Sure, you could do this.

Or, you, her mother, her father and her grandparents on both sides could help her by getting her some IC.

Bulldozer,

FWW brought two DD into our M. It is hard to not step in to discipline, especially when the behavior is as you describe and Mom is indulgent. As they get to teen years and driving it can even be life-threatening behaviors.

That all said, they are not your kids. They are her kids and they have a Dad, and Mom and Dad are responsible. Every time you step in you create some friction with your W (Mom), and you create a them versus you dynamic.

If your W asks for help, certainly support her in attending classes or gettign IC to find why she is so concerned with being her DD's friend rather than parent.

This morning, my wife said that she loved me and I couldn't even say it back because I was so pissed over another incident with the daughter throwing a fit because she didn't get three ice cubes in her glass.

Is this really the hill you want you M to die on?

Just keep telling yourself not my kid, I do not care what strangers think of me. Do what you can to build connections with the little genius. Participate in her activities, shwo an interest, anything, but make it all positive.

BTW, as you create a positive relationship with her you will reenforce your M relationship with Mom, and build credibility to where the little girl will WANT to please you.

I suspect right now she is jealous of your attention from Mom, and having to sahre Mom.

Let it go, "Serenity Now" Ommmm

ETA: if your W does not ask for help, do not offer to fix her problem. She will see this as a negative reflection on her.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:25 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Dozer, I'd probably feel the same way you do. I cannot stand poorly behaved children either. While I know others are saying this is normal, I cannot relate to that. My son just didn't do things like this. As a result, I'm less tolerant of this behavior in others.

Being the step-parent puts you in a very difficult position. I don't see how you two will remedy the situation if you are each on polar opposite ends of the issue. I think your wife doesn't understand that being less strict doesn't mean there is no discipline at all. Bribery isn't discipline and that's the worst way to try to get a child to behave.

Maybe a different counselor could help you two?

Speaking as a former step-child......she KNOWS you don't like her. And all that crap about it's her behavior you don't like is, well, crap. Her reality is, she KNOWS you don't like HER, just like I knew my step-mother didn't like me.

She is a child. She deserves to live in a home where she doesn't feel that someone dislikes her.

On the other hand, you deserve to live in a home where you are comfortable. Avoiding going out in public with her or scheduling your work hours so you don't have to be home isn't good for anyone and won't fix anything.

You need to have a serious talk with your W and get some family counseling ASAP, or call a lawyer.

Perhaps you can find some positive techniques to model, and bring some ideas to the table that don't involve discipline.

Just to add, I totally agree with this ^^^^

I'm learning it's all about the positive. The rules shouldn't be "no running, no hitting, no etc, etc." The rules should be stated in a positive way, "use your words and hands only for love, be helpful, be kind, etc."

Of course I wouldn't want anyone "disciplining" my child if this means spanking or whatnot, but I think you should have the authority to try some *positive* techniques with your stepdaughter and put her in a timeout if it has to come to that, which I'm learning should even be a last resort. It's about being positive and using those tough times as teaching opportunities.

I agree with some to not overstep you boundaries as you are not her father, but I think if your marriage lasts, you will have a huge influence over this girl's life, and it can only help you to learn some parenting strategies and try to connect with her, which of course will lead to a closer relationship with your wife if she sees you taking an active and positive role in her daughter's life.. You really are setting up a me versus her scenario (jumping out of the car is horrifying IMO), and I would have to choose my daughter if I were her (kids have to come first), but it doesn't have to be that at all..

Please don't let your attempts to help here stop at reading a few articles. You never know what techniques will finally start working. The idea is to be calm, positive, and consistent.. You knew she was a full package when you married her, so I hope you start taking your role as a stepfather more seriously and figure out what you can do to help the situation..

Step-parenting is one of the absolute hardest things ever, especially when your parenting styles are radically different. BTDT.

I walked this path for a couple years and it didn't end well for any of us - me, XSO or our combined six kids. And I'm going to be straight up and say I disliked his DS immensely and I have never had that sort of reaction to any other kid. He was mean, sneaky and a constant liar. It wasn't just his behavior; it was who he was and even if XSO and I had been happy and crazy in love (we weren't) our relationship would have failed because of my feelings toward his kid. No kid, rotten or not, should live with a parent who has such strong negative feelings about him/her.

I have to agree 100% with cd. Get to a new counselor or get to a lawyer, stat, or this will end badly for everyone involved.

Six months is a really short time to get to the point of marriage WITHOUT kids in the equation. When you add kids into the mix, six months is no time at all.

I can understand not agreeing with your partner's parenting style. Its common even in households where both parents are the bio-parents to the kids.

I'd suggest sitting with your wife to come up with household rules and consequences for breaking them.

Outline your objections (bribing the child to behave), your expectations, etc, then discuss this with the child as a united front.

Ultimately, your wife will raise her daughter as she sees fit though.

Good luck....